by kendra Smith
Yes, there is no mistaking Daniel. He’s in some glittery cowboy hat and dancing with someone. Oh God, that’s his girlfriend – the sexy salsa partner. I feel sick – absolutely sick. I almost can’t breathe. I stand rooted to the spot. I actually believed he would be here on his own. He’s leaning in and grinning, holding her in the small of the back. Embracing her. She’s got her hands all over his back and she’s beaming at him. His eyes are fixed on her, watching her. No wonder. With her head thrown back, her mahogany hair falling over her bare shoulders, she’s the sexiest woman in the room by far.
I shiver and feel incredibly queasy. Now he’s spinning her round and she’s moving away from him shaking her hips, then coming in closer, one of her hands is forming that ‘come here’ gesture to him with her fingers. I cannot stop watching in horror.
A surge of nausea washes over me, or maybe it’s the champagne. Of course, why would he have eyes for me when she’s here? She’s like a model: tanned, stick-thin, an emerald green top knotted under the bust, revealing a smooth midriff, legs that don’t seem to stop. She’s utterly gorgeous; of course he’s with her. Why wouldn’t he be? This place is too hot. I feel ridiculous that I’ve made such an effort with my hair, my dress. Wearing what you suggested! Kiss, kiss, fucking kiss.
I stare at them both, when suddenly Daniel turns around completely and sees me. I look at him and frown. There’s something different, very different about him. He looks more gorgeous than normal. And then I realise. Where’s the beard?
I make my way towards him, across the dance floor, to get to the main ballroom door. My head is held high. I pull my shoulders back, determined to walk right past them. I am going to do this. I am going to march right across the dance floor and out the door, out of his life, finally. But then I spot it.
Right there.
In front of me.
It’s so obvious now, with Tyler standing just a few feet away from him, the camera slung around his neck and his mouth open as he watches me.
I stare at them both, looking from one to another as the penny drops. My mouth falls open as I realise what’s been in front of me all along: with Daniel’s beard gone, and Tyler having his messy hair finally cut, the resemblance is astounding. Daniel is walking towards me, and I can see that his expression is serious, his brow furrowed.
‘Charlie—’
I’m speechless. ‘Tyler. He’s… is… Tyler’s your—’
‘Son,’ Daniel finishes the sentence for me as he comes up close and stands in front of me. Tyler is just behind him and they both stare at me while I feel the room spin around me.
Daniel is Tyler’s father? I listen to the sound of that and it feels unreal. The room starts to close in. I’m trying to make sense of it all and I feel sweat on my brow. Daniel was Lucy’s husband? – the husband I never met seventeen years ago. I was their surrogate. When was Daniel going to tell me? Does Tyler know? I look around for Dawn. I need some help. I’m overwhelmed by a maelstrom of feelings I don’t understand. I feel sick and light-headed all at once. I need fresh air. And I really need to think.
I carry on walking towards the huge door, fixate my gaze on the door handle. When had Daniel realised? How had Daniel realised? Am I happy or sad? How could Daniel deceive me like that – come here with his girlfriend and flirt in front of me, knowing all of this? Knowing about me being a surrogate all those years ago… And Tyler – when had he known? Known about my secret, the one I’ve kept for seventeen years. The baby I kept. I was a surrogate and he wasn’t mine to keep – but I did. And now I don’t know what to think. The phone message…
One thing I do know is that they are both watching me as I carefully reach the door, turn the handle, walk out, and shut it firmly behind me with a thud.
79
Dawn
It was just after 2 a.m. Eric lay snoring peacefully next to her. Well. You can forget Viagra. Just let your husband do a salsa number and that seemed to be quite enough, thank you very much. She said a silent prayer of thanks to the gods of late night sex, of proper, hair-grabbing, monkey-sex. She reached out and stroked his cheek as he lay calmly next to her and she smiled to herself.
She recalled her conversation with him before they made love, when he told her that he’d been going up to London on Fridays, learning to dance. That’s why he’d been so tired! That’s why stupid Victoria had seen him in that hotel lobby, the same one they’d just returned home from, giggling in an Uber, heady with the memories of the night behind them.
He’d wanted to surprise her, to give her a birthday present she’d never forget. She let out a sigh. Who needs a Do it Before You’re Fifty six-point plan in your life, when you’ve got this? She remembered, hazily, that she’d agreed to learn to dance with Eric – their lessons began next week. That had been the rest of his present to her. She’d always wanted to ballroom dance, and he’d always been so adamant that he wouldn’t do it. Until now. Her eyes closed just as she resolved to call Suzie in the morning and, happily, as she drifted off to sleep, realised that maybe she was falling in love with her husband all over again.
*
It was half-term and she woke with a start to find it was ten o’clock. Eric had already left, but he’d placed a sweet birthday card on her bedside table. She reached over and opened it.
To my dearest Dawn. My one and only. Forever. x
She stretched lazily, then suddenly remembered she still needed to get Alice to her ballet lessons and sat up wondering how much time she had. She glanced again at the clock, did a quick mental calculation and decided she’d just pop into the shower first to wake up and get rid of a niggling headache.
Humming to herself, she reached up for her favourite jasmine body wash and was busy recalling last night in her head. She watched the bubbles multiply in her hands and inhaled the lovely sweet fragrance and carefully lathered up her arms, the back of her neck, under her arms. She did have a bit of a hangover, if she was honest, so it was very soothing. She had taken two paracetamol before she’d gone to bed, but hadn’t drunk the coffee Eric had also left next to her.
So today. What would she wear? What would Eric like her to wear? And what should they have for dinner. One of his favourites, or should they splash out and get some Marks and Spencer luxury meal? Maybe there was one in the freezer. She was just thinking about some salmon en croute when she found it.
Unmistakable.
Fear clutched her heart as she felt again. A lump. In her breast. Right there. She stood glued to the spot for a while as the water slid over her. All she could hear was the steady drum of the splashes hitting the tiles on the floor of the shower, as the ‘essence of jasmine’ mingled with the steam to create a sweet-smelling cocoon in the shower cubicle. She wanted to claw her way out of there.
‘Mummy!’ Her heart was racing.
Alice was banging on the bathroom door. ‘Mummy!’
Oh my God. Get a grip. She turned off the shower and stepped carefully outside the cubicle, wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. Was it breast cancer? Well, it would have to wait. Being a mummy came first. Compartmentalise, Dawn! ‘Yes, darling, Mummy was taking a shower.’ She felt numb.
‘It’s the phone. Look! Nanna’s sent you a funny picture.’
Dawn stared at the shot. It was a picture of Joyce’s cleavage. She knew this because there was a necklace on that cleavage – one that Joyce’s late husband had given her on their wedding night, apparently, an emerald gem set in a tiny heart shape, and she had never taken it off. Who on earth was that meant for? Not me. Joyce is getting out of control… but then again, why shouldn’t she have a bit of fun? You never knew what was around the corner. She let out a sob.
‘Mum?’ Felix appeared in the doorway, fully dressed in combat gear complete with head guard.
‘Yes, darling, sorry.’
‘Can you play dead? You’ve been shot, OK?’
‘What?’
‘You’re on Alice’s team, remember, and you’ve been shot!’
/> ‘Oh, right. Listen, Felix, this isn’t a good time,’ she said yanking up her towel.
‘MUM! You promised yesterday! You said, “On the first day of half-term I will definitely be the enemy army and go into combat.” Then you told me to brush my teeth – remember?’
Felix stomped out of the room in his combat trousers and jacket and she heard him thump down the stairs and slam the front door. Nerf Gun wars would have to wait.
She needed to talk to Suzie, but wasn’t sure if Suzie would even pick up the phone. But first she had to get rid of Alice who was sitting at her dressing table, trying on some lipstick.
‘Alice, darling. There is a packet of biscuits in the cupboard. Chocolate ones. Can you open them and share them with Felix?’
Alice spun round, grinned at her, and leapt out the room.
Dawn sat with wet hair dripping down her back, picked up her phone and dialled Suzie’s number. The phone rang for ages, then suddenly she heard a clipped voice. ‘Hello.’
‘Suzie?’
‘What do you want? Listen, if you’ve phoned to apologise then I don’t want to hear it. I just think we need to…’
‘I found a lump.’
‘What?’
‘A lump,’ Dawn whispered.
‘Where?’
‘In my breast.’
‘I’ll be there straight away.’
*
As Dawn slumped down on the sofa a little later, she shook her head. They hadn’t mentioned this on their website to shake up your life. ‘Get Cancer!’ She fiddled with the hem of her jumper and thought about her world – if you took away all the layers, the school runs, the dinner parties, the arguments over dinner, the blocked drains and the tax bills – this is what you were left with: being a scared, fragile human being who isn’t in control of their own body.
Did she have cancer? What had she done wrong? Was this her punishment for her dalliance with Rex? For letting him kiss her? She was about to walk a tight-rope of wondering have I, or haven’t I? She reflected on the arguments she’d had with the kids, with Eric. It all seemed so futile now. If someone had come along in the middle of their arguments and had said: ‘Whoa, do you know what, if I told you you’d got cancer right now, would you still be arguing? No, no, you wouldn’t.’
She felt ashamed for all her bad feelings about Eric – he was such a kind, dependable, loving man. Why now? Just when things were on track?
Her thoughts were broken as she heard the door bang and Felix ordering Suzie to march into the lounge. ‘C’mon, Suzie, left right, left right…’
Dawn smiled at her as she came into the living room and ‘mouthed’ sorry to her. Suzie walked in briskly wearing a baggy jumper, jeans and trainers; Suzie smiled tightly, placed the car seat with a sleeping Jacob on the sofa and then came over and put her arms around Dawn tightly. She smelt of fabric conditioner.
Dawn let the tears fall. Suddenly she was sobbing and telling Suzie all of it – well, nearly all of it, saying sorry for all the silly thoughts she’d had about Rex, about how bad she felt about Eric and how she hadn’t trusted him, and now – the lump.
‘Look, we need to get you to see a doctor, straight away,’ said Suzie holding on to the top of her shoulders. ‘I’ll talk to them right now.’ She rubbed Dawn’s arm in a motherly way.
After Suzie had made her a cup of tea, and made several phone calls, she wandered back into the lounge and told Dawn that the receptionist had said she’d call straight back the minute there was a slot but that it would be soon.
She put a hand on Dawn’s shoulder. ‘I’ll call Eric – then I’ll make us another cup of tea.’
80
Suzie
She felt sorry for her friend as she stared at a mark on the wall in the doctor’s consulting room. After everything that Dawn had gone through, and despite all the ‘complications’, as she’d decided to call them, with Rex – which were partly her fault, she realised. She was still her best friend. Suzie realised that she hadn’t been much fun for nearly a year now; first the surrogacy, then a new baby. Obsessing over a tiny tot, the sleepless nights, waking Rex endlessly to ask if he thought the baby was all right, was alive, for goodness’ sake.
The final straw had been asking Ramone to take Pixie to a dog psychologist because he was barking at Jacob. For fuck’s sake, Suzie, you need to get a grip – he’s a DOG, said Rex. He’d been furious that morning. She could see her behaviour was, well, as Dawn had hinted at times, just a little neurotic. Now that she was here, at the doctor’s with her dear friend who might have cancer, who must be terrified; it really had put things into perspective.
She had talked to Dawn a lot in the last twenty-four hours. No wonder Rex had turned to Dawn for a bit of TLC. But nothing had actually happened, had it? She didn’t really want to know. Very little, at least. She shook her head. All these thoughts were tumbling around her head as she stared at Dawn, her ‘rock’. After all the years of IVF hell, Dawn had always been there for her, for chats at midnight, for ‘park runs’ in the park some Saturdays when, she now realised, Dawn would have preferred to be anywhere else than a muddy park, but she’d never said no. She’d chummed her to the gym. It had been Suzie’s suggestion to start Zumba all those years ago when she was pregnant with Felix, and she’d said yes, she’d give it a go, waddled along to classes and been a good sport.
It had been Dawn she’d turned to after each and every miscarriage, after each failed IVF attempt. Suzie had never appreciated how hard it must have been to drop all the commitments she had as a wife and mother and come running. Suzie could barely cope with feeding one baby, never mind two, never mind adding school runs and after school clubs, being on committees and, God forbid, the laundry. She had Ramone; Dawn had nobody. After all these years, Dawn needed her now. And she was determined to help her through this.
The doctor was examining Dawn’s breasts in a very matter-of-fact way. But then he started to frown.
‘Well?’ Dawn whispered.
‘Right, Mrs Hughes, you can pop your top half back on. You’re correct, there is a lump. I think we need to see a specialist.’
A specialist. It must be serious. ‘Why?’ Suzie asked. ‘Could it be anything else?’
‘It could be a cyst, but I want to be sure. But we need you to have more investigations. I am concerned about this, but there are many reasons for lumps in the breasts, and they are most certainly not all cancerous.’ The man in the sky-blue shirt smiled reassuringly at Dawn. He reminded Suzie of all the IVF specialists they’d seen – smiling their ‘doctor’ smiles. How many patients had he reassured like this when, in fact, nobody knew?
‘Yes, all right; what happens then?’ Dawn asked quietly.
‘I’ll refer you and it will take up to two weeks to get a letter,’ he said, typing some notes on his computer.
‘Two weeks?’ Suzie found herself saying. ‘We’ll go private.’ He turned around in his chair and looked at both of them. ‘Very well. You’ll get an ultrasound, and a biopsy, then we will take it from there.’ He stood up.
‘Just tell me the best consultant and I will sort it out.’ There was no way Dawn was going to wait.
The doctor nodded. ‘Right. If you see Angela at reception, I will write this up now and send it through. You can probably be seen in the next couple of days.’
81
Charlie
The roads are dark, there’s a man following me, I’m running. There’s a street light up ahead. I must get to it. My dress is catching on my heel and I don’t care. I can hear the sound of ripping satin, a man’s voice calling my name. You’re a whore – you lied about my child! I’m sobbing, wet tears are falling down my cheeks and I fall. I trip up over the dress. You lied to me! The road is brittle on my skin. I hit my elbow on the ground and it’s bleeding, everything’s wet…
‘Mum!’ Tyler is standing next to my bed. His hand is on my shoulder. I turn my head to look at him. My pillow is soaking. ‘Mum,’ he says softly, ‘you’re having a ni
ghtmare, wake up.’
I slowly sit up and look around. Daylight filters through the curtains and I remember last night. It’s the morning after the ball. My head is splitting. I’m not used to having all that champagne – especially with very little food.
‘Are you OK, Mum?’ He sits on the bed next to me and for once, I just don’t know what to say to him. The full shock of last night comes flooding back and I stare at him.
Tyler avoids my eyes. ‘I’ll put the kettle on,’ he says and gets up and wanders slowly out of my bedroom.
The cat is meowing in the corner when I get to the kitchen, so I let him out; as I open the back door a cool breeze hits me and I shiver in my light dressing gown. I look out onto the back garden. It’s neglected and nettles have sprung up in the borders, the rose bushes are past their best, the flowers faded and depleted – yellow and red petals lie, like rotting confetti, all over the soil. I feel awful. Betrayed, angry, I don’t know who to trust. I feel like going into the garden and shouting and shouting, until all my words are used up, until all my tears are dry. I feel like I have lost something real.
‘Here’s your coffee.’ Tyler comes into the kitchen and slides a cup of coffee towards me. He sits down heavily on one of the wooden chairs and it creaks in the silence.
‘What were you dreaming about, Mum?’
‘Being chased. Being called a liar.’ I turn around to look at him and fold my arms across my chest.
‘Who was chasing you?’
‘Daniel.’
‘What’s the deal between you two?’ He stares at me.
I come to the table and sit down.
