by kendra Smith
‘It brought back so many memories, seeing that letter, remembering that time with Lucy, how excited we were that we were going to have a baby… after she’d been told she was infertile. The heartache that brought – all the decisions we had to make. And then she found you. She just said she’d sorted it; she was very efficient like that, in control.
‘And I also remember all those years ago that letter you sent to me, after Lucy died, explaining what you were going to do—’ He stops almost as if he can’t bear to say it and looks up to the sky.
I stand next to him as a thought occurs to me. ‘But once you did find that photo of me, Daniel, why didn’t you say anything?’ We both start walking again, and as I turn to look at him, desperate for answers, sunlight is filtering across us both, dancing on his broad shoulders.
I push my hands into my jacket pockets and look at the stones on the path, force my feet to walk one foot in front of the other.
‘Look, when I saw the photo,’ he begins again, ‘and realised it was you, that you had been our surrogate all those years ago, I’d already – well, and then when I saw Tyler, I just— I knew…’
I stop. ‘That I hadn’t gone through with it? The abortion?’ I bite my lip.
He nods and reaches a hand out, holds my arm gently to turn me round to face him.
‘I couldn’t go through with it,’ I say. ‘How could I? I couldn’t let the baby go, even though I’d written that letter saying I was going to…’ I stare at his face, at those crinkles at the edges of his eyes, where the South American sun has made its mark. I’m trying to process it all, the memories of that time washing over me – the sadness, the pain. ‘I was so young, Daniel. Only a year older than Tyler is now; no wonder I was confused.’
‘Of course you were. But Charlie, your – our?’ He smiles and squeezes my upper arm. ‘Our son is a wonderful young man – and talented. You’ve done an amazing job. I can’t believe I didn’t want— wanted to—’
‘Why?’ I’ve been chewing this over more and more recently.
Daniel rubs his forehead distractedly. ‘I was twenty-five, much younger than Lucy. People used to joke that I was her “toy boy”.’ He smiles. ‘I couldn’t handle it, back then. I felt that if I couldn’t have Lucy, then I didn’t want any part of her in a baby. I didn’t realise then how wrong I was. I was all over the place when Lucy died, you’ve got to believe me, I…’
‘But why didn’t you talk to me when you knew, when you’d figured it out?’
‘Because I realised you didn’t have a clue who I was, and I didn’t want to shatter what we had. I was beginning to feel, well, so close to you then.’
‘But why didn’t you tell me, once you knew?’ I hold my breath. My heartbeat is off the scale; surely Daniel can hear it.
‘Because I didn’t know how you’d react to me once you found out: the man who asked you to get rid of the baby – can you imagine? I was in an impossible situation. On the one hand, I was desperate to tell you, on the other, I didn’t want to break it up. I was getting very fond of you.’ He’s staring right at me. ‘But when I found out you were being a surrogate again…’ He shakes his head. ‘Well, it opened up all sorts of old wounds. I felt mixed up and I didn’t want you to feel obliged to me, to feel that you had to see me… I don’t know, I didn’t want you to know the truth, if I’m honest, because I didn’t want you to feel that you needed to see me out of a sense of duty – I wanted you to want to be with me. I was really confused. And then, you stopped answering my texts, you shut me out and I didn’t understand why – after that time at the park, I thought we were getting on – I, I – presumed you’d gone off me, I don’t know. I wanted to talk to you then, but you went all weird on me.’ His eyes look down at the path, as he scuffs the ground with his shoe.
‘So you turned to someone else instead?’ I realise that’s when he must have fallen into someone else’s arms, when he started seeing ‘L’. I need to know if he’s telling the truth about this and everything else, so I take a deep breath and plunge straight in: ‘That’s when you started seeing your girlfriend, “L”?’
His shoe stops mid-scuff and looks up at me. ‘What?’
‘You know, the one who was texting you, her initial was “L” – I’m sorry.’ I squint in the sun and look up at his worried face. ‘I read your text in the car that day when you went to get a drink – I know I shouldn’t have. And that’s when it started. After that you were just kind of “off” with me.’ I look down at my toes, ashamed of what I did. ‘And,’ I quickly blurt out, while I still have the nerve, ‘that’s who you were dancing with at the ball – you don’t have to say anything, it’s OK.’ I shrug and start to walk on.
‘L?’ he says behind me, then suddenly grabs the belt-hoop on the top of my jeans and yanks me back. He scratches his head.
How can it be so hard to recognise your girlfriend’s name, for goodness’ sake!
‘God, no!’ He suddenly looks at me. ‘That was Lucinda, one of my ‘young at heart’ clients. But she’s seventy-nine!’ A grin has spread across his face. ‘I take her to ballroom dancing lessons on a Tuesday evening – that’s how I knew Veronique, Eric’s dancing teacher at the ball. That’s who I was with at the ball, Veronique. Charlie, you stopped answering my texts after that day in the park. I thought you’d gone off me. I was, I don’t know, pissed off, confused.’
A thought suddenly occurs to me. ‘You paid for the damages, to my neighbour’s van?’
‘It’s all I could think of, to do something for you, from me, to get your attention. I thought you’d call me after that.’
My head’s spinning and blood is pounding in my ears. ‘Really?’ Is he telling the truth?
Daniel nods and there’s a peculiar smile on his face. ‘I’m telling the truth, Charlie, why would I lie about that?’ He’s taken a step closer to me. ‘Why would I visit you and come here and go for a walk if I didn’t want to see you?’
He has a point, but I thought he wanted to discuss Tyler. I’m so overwhelmed now I can’t think straight. ‘Well – and, are you, are you still confused?’ I say as I shuffle my feet, then look up at him. ‘I mean, about everything – about – I can barely say it – “us”?’
A red and purple butterfly has just landed on a nearby leaf. It’s fluttering its wings, which have dramatic black eye-spots on them. Slowly, the wings close up together as it stills itself on the leaf. I watch the butterfly behind Daniel, then return my gaze to those chestnut eyes. He is right next to me. I know the details of his face, the way his fringe sometimes goes in his eyes, and he flicks it off absentmindedly. His face is clean-shaven now, so smooth, and there’s a tiny scar just under his chin that I’ve never noticed before. What would his cheek feel like? Silky like a rabbit’s ear?
‘No.’ He interrupts my thoughts and takes my face in his hands as I hold my breath. ‘Not confused at all, Charlie. Will you give me a second chance? I never want to let you go and lose you again.’
‘You didn’t lose me.’ I am shaking.
‘Yes, I did, I lost both you and Tyler. I was young and hurting and I didn’t want to know about a baby and another life, I was left with nothing. Tyler’s such a gift – and you gave him to me without knowing.’ His eyes are filling with tears.
The feelings washing over me right now are overwhelming: elation, happiness, and a surge of something I can’t put a name to. The circle is being closed; it’s relief. Not only have I found my son’s father, I now realise, but he’s the man I have wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but thought I couldn’t. My companion, a soulmate. Someone on my side, for once. But does he feel the same?
And then he leans towards me, puts both hands behind my head, gathers my hair up in one hand, clutches it and pulls me close. And then he’s kissing me. At first, I’m rigid. I still can’t believe it after all these months. He wraps his arm around me and pulls me towards him. All the memories of us being together before come flooding back and I start to melt in his arms. Then all the days and nights o
f longing, all the evenings sobbing to myself in my bedroom come tumbling across my memory and I kiss him back with such a force that we both nearly topple over.
One of his hands is on the small of my back, the other is firmly holding the back of my head. His fingers are caressing my hair. I can feel his chest beneath mine, his firm muscles underneath. He feels solid and strong and I breathe in that delicious familiar spicy scent of him. Never have I wanted a man so much, and by the feel of Daniel gripping me closer, he feels the same.
86
Charlie
I’m getting the third degree. ‘So why hadn’t he said anything?’ Suzie quizzes me, holding a snuffling Jacob protectively in her arms. We’re at the café at the gym and, for a nice change, I’m on the other side of the counter.
‘Because he thought I’d be angry.’ I smile. ‘Furious with him for “abandoning” me all those years ago – which he kind of did, but I didn’t know him, and in the end, I had this baby growing inside me. I felt so close to it, my baby – what better gift? He worried that if I found out who he really was and how our pasts were intertwined, that I’d hate him. He also didn’t know what to do about Tyler. But, in fact, when Lucy died, and he called it all off, I was relieved not to have anything more to do with him. It was all just so awful.’ I shake my head. ‘But I couldn’t do what he suggested in the email – get rid of the baby – you know what I mean?’
Suzie cocks her head to the side and smiles. ‘As if you have to ask.’ Suddenly she’s serious: ‘Charlie?’
‘Yes?’
‘Thank you.’
She’s said it a million times before. ‘It’s fine, Suzie, you know that.’
‘I do. No, I mean thank you, well, for everything, now that I’ve heard all that – also—’ she dangles Jacob’s tiny hand on one finger ‘—also it was the hearing on Friday. The legal side is all done – we are officially parents. Everything’s legal now. Jacob is ours. I didn’t quite know how to tell you.’
‘I’ve always known he was yours, Suzie; it’s fine. I’m just pleased he has such great parents.’ And even though a tiny splinter just got nudged a little in my heart, I am pleased. I’m really glad for Suzie and Rex and their new beginning.
‘Girls!’ shouts Dawn from the counter. ‘Anything else?’ I glance over at Dawn who still has wet hair from our aqua aerobics class. She’s nodding to our coffees on a tray.
We both shake our heads as a man’s voice booms out: ‘Hey, Dawn-y! How ya doing? You spinning today! Gonna bring your buddies?’ A loud bloke with tight black cycling shorts wanders past and winks at Dawn.
‘No.’ Dawn laughs. ‘I’m giving spinning a rest for a while, Ted!’ She walks past him with her tray.
‘Too bad!’ And with a wave, he saunters off, clearly enjoying the fact that every woman in the café is staring at his tight cycling shorts.
‘Who’s that, Dawn-y?’ says Suzie playfully as Dawn carefully places all the coffees on the table and starts to blush.
‘That is Ted, the spinning guru – and biggest flirt in the gym!’ Dawn laughs. ‘No more spinning at the moment! It hurts my “butt”.’ She smiles, turning sideways to show us. ‘And I think I’m going to keep things low-key, you know, after all the—’
‘Yes, darling, you’ve been through a lot.’ Suzie touches her arm. ‘How’re you feeling?’
‘Yes, OK. Bit shaky,’ she says sitting down, ‘but fine. Relieved – I mean, bloody relieved. Can you imagine? You hear such stories.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘I will be so careful now, checking every month, and the doctors will keep an eye on me, but, for now, I’m over the worst. It does change you – you know?’ She stares into the distance and then fiddles with her earrings.
‘How are you and Eric?’ I say, acutely aware of Suzie next to us.
She’s silent for a while and takes a sip of coffee. ‘You know, it’s been good for my marriage. I know it sounds weird, but it’s made me focus on what matters, on who matters. And that’s Eric.’
I nod. And then Suzie cuts in, ‘Dawn, by the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you for ages, about that day, the day of Charlie’s accident. You should have been at that spa. I didn’t think you’d be back when I phoned you. You never told us what happened.’
We both look at Dawn who has turned the colour of beetroot. ‘Um, well, Eric and I were found in the pool.’
‘The pool?’ Suzie says. ‘And?’
‘Um, it’s kind of how we were found in the pool…’
Suddenly Suzie looks at me and we both burst out laughing.
‘Dawn!’ shrieks Suzie. ‘That’s ridiculous! Honestly.’ She picks Jacob up, and blows a raspberry on his tummy. ‘Silly Dawn, eh Jacob? And that’s why you left early?’
‘Well, yes, Eric found the whole thing a bit too uncomfortable, and we had the most terrible row,’ she says rolling her eyes. ‘Anyway, enough about me… Charlie.’ Dawn touches my arm and I sense she wants to change the subject. ‘What happened before, with Tyler? I’ve always wanted to ask you. How did it all happen? You were going to tell me all about it in the Coffee Cup that day, remember? Then Ramone came in.’
‘You know I’d never have asked you if I’d known that you’d—’ Suzie starts to speak.
‘What? Done this before?’ I look over at Suzie. ‘Yes, I know, it was very different then…’ I feel myself tense up. ‘I met Lucy here at the gym. One day we got chatting—’
‘Gosh, I remember Lucy coming here quite a bit,’ interrupts Dawn, ‘but I never knew she wanted kids; she never told me about the surrogacy.’ Dawn shakes her head. ‘In fact, she used to make a point of saying how annoying all the kids were, can you believe it?’
I look towards a small toddler and his mum wandering down the corridor to the crèche. Dawn carries on. ‘She used to pretend she didn’t want kids, that she thought they were all too hard.’
‘I used to do that,’ cuts in Suzie, ‘before I started all the IVF, when Rex and I were just trying ourselves. I used to say to people we were leaving it for a bit, but in fact we were desperate. Every month I felt like a failure.’ She kisses Jacob on the top of his head. ‘But when we started IVF, we had to tell everyone. It was too hard to keep that secret.’
‘When I worked here initially, I used to clean the reception,’ I explain, ‘before they enlarged it and gave me the coffee shop job – and I got quite friendly with Lucy. I’d never met her husband. All I knew was that he was some high-flyer in the city – which Daniel was. He worked in finance but he hated it, he told me. Anyway, they were desperate for a baby. She had been told she was infertile and I’d just read about this woman in the Sun newspaper back then who’d made masses of money in America…’ I shrug, remembering how back then it seemed like such a great idea. How naive I was.
‘And?’ Dawn prompts.
‘Well. It wasn’t like it is today: all clinics and clipboards; it was a bit DIY, really. She came to my house with, well, with his sample and then we used a syringe. I lay on my bed for half an hour with my legs in the air. All perfectly doable.’
Dawn looks horrified and spills her coffee. ‘Really?’
I shrug. ‘Yup. I didn’t think it would work, but lo and behold, we’d got our timings right and I was young and fertile – and I got pregnant. I was gobsmacked.’
‘And then, and then Lucy died?’ Dawn says quietly, wiping coffee up from the table with a napkin. ‘I know Daniel was a mess.’
I carry on: ‘It was awful. He phoned me up – once – he was all over the place, in pieces, then he sent a few emails. He said he just couldn’t face it all, but we lost touch; all the emails I sent to him after a while came back unsent. I panicked when I couldn’t get hold of him, so I wrote to the last address I had, telling him that I would deal with it, that I wouldn’t keep it, not to worry. It was quite early days. I was only about twelve weeks. He sent me a little money, to “sort” out the baby issue. I don’t really think he was thinking straight himself – which as he said now, he wasn’t. He was pretty young. T
hen I never heard from him again.’
‘Yes—’ Dawn nods ‘—because he left for South America. He just couldn’t handle it here any more. I used to go round a lot, make sure he was eating, looking after himself. In the end, he just wanted to move away – right away.’
I add, ‘It had all been about trust, a private agreement. I felt pretty alone when I was pregnant and trying to decide what to do. And I had no one to talk it through with. I felt so stupid. But I went to that first scan at twelve weeks – alone – and when I saw the baby, that tiny life floating in the inky fluid on the screen, and knew it was inside me, well—’
‘Oh, Charlie, no wonder you were all over the place at that scan.’ Suzie is nuzzling Jacob’s head and looking up at me.
I nod.
‘Charlie, I can’t imagine how awful it all must have been for you, you poor thing.’ Dawn pats my arm.
‘You see, he was half mine, there was no way I could go through with—’ I can barely say it ‘—getting rid of him. But it was bloody hard, being pregnant and working, I was so alone – and of course, everyone thought I was some stupid girl, getting up the duff with a tosser who’d run off.’ I sigh and close my eyes, remembering those days.
‘How brave, going through all that, Charlie,’ says Suzie, ‘and for doing it again.’
I reach out and stroke Jacob’s cheek. His skin is soft and beautiful; his tiny hands are clasping the top of his baby blanket in Suzie’s arms. He was in me. He is part of me. It’s never going to be easy to see little Jacob, but as much as he was part of me, I know very clearly that he belongs to Suzie and Rex.
‘You and Rex have fought a very tough battle to bring little Jacob into the world – I know I didn’t really help at times.’ I stare at the floor, then look up. ‘But you were quite a nightmare, Suzie!’ I grin.
She laughs. ‘It’s been tough, but worth it.’ She leans over and puts an arm around me. She pulls back gently and smiles. ‘Tell us, anyway – how’s it going? With Daniel?’
I can’t help grinning from ear to ear. ‘Brilliant. He’s asked me to move in with him and stop my cleaning jobs. But I said no way.’
