For a moment, there’s total silence.
Tubridy clears his throat. ‘There might be people watching who are going through what you’ve been through. Have you anything to say to them?’
I look directly at the camera. Because this is important. My one chance to make a difference.
‘I’d say, hold on. You think that things will never get better, but they do. And when they do, you can’t believe what you almost did. When people are trying to ruin your life, you have to fight. You can’t take it personally. Because it’s not personal. It’s about power. They don’t care who they pick on as long as it’s someone. You have to believe that you are better than them and you deserve better. And I know that’s so easy to say. It’s so hard when you’re in the middle of it, when you feel so alone. And that’s why I think people shouldn’t have to face it alone. The only way to stop bullying is together. By not tolerating it in our society. We need to treat it like a crime - an actual crime. And it is. It’s stealing. Stealing a person’s happiness, stealing their confidence, stealing their lives. The most important things we have. From the time they’re tiny, kids need to be told that they’re as good as everyone else. They need to know that bullying is wrong - and it will be dealt with, that all they have to do is speak up. Right now, so many people are out there, too afraid to say anything in case they get it worse for speaking up. What I’d say is, speak up. At the very beginning. And if your school doesn’t back you up, then move. Start over with new people. It’s just bad luck they picked you.’ I stop. And take a breath.
‘Did you move school, Rachel?‘
I nod. Then I look at the camera. ‘And I don’t know if my friends Alex and Sarah are watching, but they were real friends to me when I needed friends.’ I look back at Tubridy.
‘Rachel,’ he says. ‘I know you’ve so much more to say. And I know that people are listening. Unfortunately we’ve run out of time. Maybe you’ll come back and talk to us again?’
I nod, then shrug. ‘Sure.’
There’s a huge round of applause. I look at the audience for the first time. And I can’t believe it. One by one, they’re standing up. Till they’re all standing. While still clapping. And I know that this is because everyone knows someone who has been bullied. And they want something done.
Tubridy wraps up the show. He hugs Maisie and me when we stand up to go.
‘Thanks for being so brave,’ he says to me.
I don’t feel brave. I feel free. I’ve nothing to hide anymore. But I need to talk to my parents. I need to talk to Jack. I really need to go home.
I walk out with Maisie. She puts an arm around me and gives me a little squeeze.
‘You were a sensation.’
I look at her. ‘Maisie, I have to go home.’
She smiles. ‘Good.’
I think of her going back in Graham on her own. ‘Will you be OK?’
She winks. ‘I’ll manage.’
‘Thank you so much for everything. Without you … I don’t know.’
‘I just provided a bolt hole. No more.’
‘Yes more.’ I hug her.
‘See you Monday,’ she says when we finally pull back. I love that we’ll still be sharing a dressing room.
‘See you Monday.’
‘Till then, how’re you fixed for Internet Scrabble?’
I smile. ‘That would be amazing.’
We take our time leaving. Finally, we walk out of the TV Centre. It’s cold and our breaths fog up.
‘I’ll drop you home,’ Maisie says.
‘It’s fine, I’ll get a taxi.’
‘Rachel!’ comes a voice from behind me.
I turn. It’s Mark, walking towards us.
‘On second thoughts,’ she says. ‘I’m going to say goodbye.’ She winks and whispers, ‘Good luck.’ Then she’s gone. Leaving me standing, facing the guy who walked away. So easily.
‘Hey,’ he says when he gets to me.
‘What are you doing here?’
He shrugs. ‘Don’t know.’ He shoves his hands into his pockets. ‘Saw you on TV, got in the car. Here I am.’
We stand looking at each other. I hope he can’t see that I still love him.
‘You were good,’ he says.
‘Thanks.’
We’re quiet again.
‘If I’d known all those things she did to you, I might have actually killed her. And I’m not joking, this time.’ He sounds angry, hurt. For me. Which would probably be nice if he hadn’t let me go. ‘Do you want a lift?’
It seems weird. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Since I’m here. And I’m going your way.’
I shrug. ‘OK, if you like.’
We walk side by side to the car. His car, now. He’s looking at his feet. I don’t talk. Just watch my breath frosting up. Bizarrely, I think of our bulbs and hope they’ll be OK.
He looks up. ‘I think you helped people.’
‘It takes more than someone on TV.’
‘I don’t know. I wish someone like you was on TV when I was going through it.’
I stare at him. ‘You were bullied? When?’
He makes a face like it doesn’t matter. ‘Before we moved back to Ireland.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I start, but I know the answer. He wanted to leave it behind.
But it’s not his answer. ‘I’m a guy. We’re supposed to be the tough ones.’ He smiles. ‘I didn’t want you to think I was a wimp.’
‘Mark, some of the best people are bullied,’ I joke.
He smiles.
‘What happened?’ I ask him.
He looks away for a moment, then back. ‘They were my friends. They just turned on me. Don’t know why, but it was suddenly like they didn’t want me around any more. And they kept reminding me about it. The thing about friends is they really know how to hurt you.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It was only for eight months. You had two whole years of it.’
‘How did it stop?’
‘I started to pretend I didn’t care. I hung out with other people. Became the class clown, the joker.’ He looks at me apologetically. ‘It’s become a bit of a habit.’
Wow, I think. It’s like everything’s changed.
‘They backed off eventually. Anyway, it’s over now.’
‘You sure?’ I ask.
‘What d’you mean?’
‘It wasn’t over for me till tonight. Well, it still isn’t. I need to talk to my parents. And Jack. But it will be. Then. I hope.’
We get to the car. I run my hand along Millie’s bonnet. Remembering. Then we get in.
He looks at me. ‘Do you ever think that good can come from bad?’
I shrug. ‘Sometimes.’
‘For me, it was good that we split up.’
Ow.
‘I never thought I was good enough for you, Rache. All the time we were together. Before that, really. I don’t know how I ever got the courage to ask you out.’
‘What?’ I whisper, not believing.
‘Until you said you wanted to see other people, I was the most easy-going person in the world. I was cool about everything - even things I wasn’t cool about. I was the class clown, hiding behind jokes, never being serious about anything. Those scenes with Josh - I encouraged you all the way - I couldn’t watch them. And then, finally, because of you, I had to make a stand. I couldn’t watch you with other people. It would have killed me. If I wasn’t good enough for you, then I had to let you go. But the thing is, everything’s changed. By standing up to someone I loved, it meant that I can stand up to anyone now. You kind of set me free.’
‘Loved?’
He looks at me as if to say, ‘of course’.
‘Hang on. You loved me?’
‘You know I did.’
‘No. I told you I loved you and you said nothing.’
‘Because it would have been a response.’
‘What?’
‘I didn’t want the first time I said
“I love you” to be because you’d said it first. Or because we’d just had sex. Or because you were upset. I wanted it to just be, “I love you.” Me to you, no reason.’
I’m so completely stunned. By how sweet that is. By how wrong I got it. But mostly by the fact that, after all this time, Mark Delaney is as sensitive as I am.
‘I was going to tell you, next day. But that was when you announced you wanted to see other people.’ A look of hurt passes over his face. ‘For the record, it was my first time too.’
‘What?’
‘You weren’t the only virgin. People get better, you know?’
‘You think I wanted to see other people because you weren’t good enough? Mark! I said it because I thought you didn’t love me.’
He looks confused.
‘That day. I wanted to end it because I thought you didn’t love me. But when I opened my mouth all the stuff about seeing other people just poured out.’
He stares at me. ‘So it wasn’t that I was no good?’
‘No!’
‘Then why were you so upset, after?’
‘Because you never said you loved me.’
He puts the car into gear and takes off. Fast. We’re both totally quiet. No music. Just the sound of the engine, and my heart thumping. As we drive, I go through everything in my mind. He loved me. And I stopped trusting that. So I hurt him. Insulted him. Made him think he wasn’t good enough, which he believed anyway. Jesus.
He pulls up outside my house. I look at him. ‘I’m so sorry.’
For a second he says nothing, then he turns to me. ‘D'you know how hard it is not to crack a joke right now?’
I smile.
‘Maybe we could start over?’ he says.
I’m so relieved. I open my mouth to say yes, but he gets there first.
‘Be friends again.’
Friends? I want to say we were never friends, but I’m so shocked that I don’t say anything.
‘We could hang out a bit,’ he continues. ‘Get to know each other properly, no secrets, without all that boyfriend-girlfriend stuff getting in the way.’ He smiles innocently as he crushes my heart.
I tell myself it’s logical. But for once, I don’t want logic. I want Mark. More than ever. He, loved, me.
‘Cool,’ I say. I start to open the door.
‘Millie missed you,’ he says.
I feel like asking, ‘How about Caecilius?’ But I just smile and get out of the car.
TWENTY-FIVE | }I{
I let myself in and go straight up to Jack’s room. There’s a crack of light under his door. I knock and go in. He’s in bed with his laptop. He looks up.
‘Hey!’
‘Hey, yourself,’ I say, smiling.
‘You were great.’
‘You saw?’ I ask, walking in and sitting on the bed. ‘Everyone saw. The phone never stopped ringing.’
‘I never thanked you, Jack.’
He looks at me for a long time. ‘You think I wanted thanks?’
‘I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.’
Another long pause. ‘Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘I took the choice from you. Stopped you doing what you wanted to do. Like, what right did I have?’
‘Jack, you saved my life. I am so glad you did. And so sorry I never told you that.’ I think of him fighting for me, standing up for me, and I start to get upset.
‘It’s OK,’ he says.
‘No. It’s not. I hated you for stopping me. I hated that you knew. I hated everything back then. And that was OK. I was messed up. But it’s never been the same between us since you found me like that. And that’s because of me. I should have thanked you. I should have made it OK.’
He shakes his head. ‘I should never have let you copy my stuff. If I hadn’t, you’d never have been moved back. None of this would have happened.’
I smile, remembering. ‘It was our rebellion. Us against the world, remember?’
‘It was dumb. If I’d known what was going to happen—’
‘How could you?’
‘I’m the oldest.’
‘By six minutes.’
‘Six and a half.’ He looks at me. ‘I left you behind.’
‘It wasn’t your idea to hold me back.’
‘I bought into the individuality thing. I thought I was squishing you. Blocking you out. Otherwise I’d have put up a fight. I thought they were right.’
‘So did I.’
‘Were they?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘It was hard,’ he says.
‘Like losing a part of yourself.’
We’d shared everything. Birthday parties. Friends. Illnesses. I hadn’t wanted a party when I was eleven, so he didn’t have one either. When he asked if I was OK, I told him I was. What was the point in going through the pain of becoming an individual if he bailed me out? I look at him, as realisation hits.
‘They were wrong. We always were individuals.’ All the memories that came to me in the mountains come flooding back. Me looking at stones on the beach while he tore around. Me cooking while he played with trains. Me trying to get him to act in my home-produced plays and failing. ‘You were stronger than me, bolder, more outgoing, a better plotter of pranks. But I was me, I was always me.’
‘I should have protected you, though. Then - and now. I did try this time. For what it’s worth.’
‘I know you did. And I’m just saying, not accusing, that trying to protect someone is like saying they can’t do it themselves. And I can. I’ll never let myself be bullied by anyone ever again. I swear to God.’
‘I believe you,’ he says, like he’s afraid of me. And we laugh.
‘When are you coming home?’
‘I am home.’
‘Good. So I’m having a problem with this guy in school, maybe you could sort him out for me.’
I roll up my sleeves. ‘Just give me the name.’
We smile at each other.
‘Where’s Mum?’
‘Downstairs, ironing.’
I check my phone. ‘At half-twelve?’
‘After you were on TV, she just got up and started cleaning. When there was nothing left to clean, she took out the iron.’ He looks at me. ‘She’ll be glad you’re home.’
I go down to the kitchen. Mum looks up from the ironing board.
‘Rachel!’ she says. She puts the iron down, hurries over and hugs me.
‘I missed you so much.’ She holds me out to look at me. She’s been crying. ‘You were amazing tonight. So strong.’
I look her in the eye. ‘I am strong, Mum.’
‘I know, pet.’
‘No you don’t. And neither does Dad. You worry about me. And then you fight. And I worry about that. And it’s just this big cycle of worry. And that’s why I had to go away.’
She looks shocked.
‘You have to stop. You have to trust that I can handle things.’
She nods, her face serious.
But I have to make sure. ‘I’ll never do anything stupid like that ever again. OK? Ever. And I’ll never put up with any shit from anyone either. It’s over. It really is over.’
She takes a deep breath and her whole body deflates.
‘So you trust me, right?’
She looks into my eyes. ‘I trust you.’
‘Good.’
She hugs me again and I let myself relax in her arms. Finally, I pull back.
‘Is Dad awake?’
‘I think so. Go on up.’
I knock and go in. He sits bolt upright. He turns on his bedside lamp. His hair is sticking straight up. I feel like laughing.
‘Rachel? Are you OK?’
‘Fine. I’ll talk to you in the morning.’
‘No, no. Stay.’ He looks like a little boy in his plain white T-shirt and sticky-up hair.
I say to him exactly what I said to Mum. But I’m stronger with him, firmer.
/> He looks all emotional. Then he says, ‘When I was watching you on TV, I realised something … You don’t need us any more, do you?’
I smile. ‘Well, I need your money. And, like, a roof over my head, and that.’
He laughs.
But the great thing is, I know that if I had money I could leave tomorrow and survive. And there’s something amazing about that.
In bed, I turn on my phone. It bleeps with messages and missed calls.
From Sarah: ‘I can’t believe how awful they were. I can’t believe you almost . . . I cried, Rache. }I{’
From Alex: ‘Always knew you were the strong one. }I{’
From Peter Sweetnam: ‘And I thought Naomi was a survivor.’
From people in my class:
‘I didn’t know.’
‘Thank you for telling my story.’
‘Go you.’
‘What’s Tubs like?’
‘Where did you get your top?’
There’s even one from Amy Gilmore: ‘You rock.’
Another from Sarah: ‘I’m soooo sorry. }I{’
Then, from a blocked number: ‘U r such a loser.’
I smile. Someone’s obviously jealous.
It’s too late to call anyone, so I text Sarah and Alex, telling them I’m home and asking if they want to come over tomorrow.
‘Hey, Uggs, did you miss me?’ I remember a time Mark put him under the quilt, with his tiny arms out over it, making him look like he’d just had sex. He kept putting his arm towards his mouth as if he was having a smoke. Why didn’t I keep on believing that he loved me? Why didn’t I hold on? Why didn’t I have the confidence? Then I realise, I let Rebecca French break it. I make a promise to myself that that will never happen again.
Next day, Alex, Sarah and Maggie call over. Do babies really grow that fast?
‘Oh, my God, she’s got a tooth!’ A tiny, bright white square. So cute.
Alex takes off her coat. Maggie’s striped babygro says: ‘I’ve done nine months inside.’
I burst out laughing.
Maggie looks hurt. And she’s only four months. I put my face up to hers. ‘I’m sorry, Maggie May. I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing with you.’ And I swear to God, she gives me a look that says, ‘yeah, right.’ So I tickle her. Her laugh is like energy. I look at Alex. ‘How could she have got even more gorgeous?’
The Butterfly Novels Box Set: Contemporary YA Series (And By The Way; And For Your Information; And Actually) Page 78
