Metria shrugged. “She wouldn’t need anything special to deal with you. I wouldn’t learn anything. Well, toodle-oo.” She faded out.
“Why am I annoyed?” Hapless inquired rhetorically.
“Because she obviously dismisses you as too easy for a hint,” Feline said. “But she raised a good question: why does Isis keep the Orb if she’s not using it?”
“Maybe she wants folk like us to come for it, like a special flower to attract bees.”
She nodded. “The next question is, then what does she want with us?”
“I have another: why would the Good Magician send us to her?”
“That’s another good one,” she agreed. “Are we mere pawns in some larger game? I don’t like the smell of that.”
“I thought it was Demons who made pawns of people.”
“Well, then, could this be a Demon bet?” she asked. “I heard it was one of those that got Princess Harmony her suitors.”
“If I really thought it was a bet, I’d do my best to mess it up.”
“You can’t mess up a Demon bet. They take all that into consideration. You really can’t do anything about it; one Demon wins and one loses, whichever way it turns out.”
“So I guess we’d better ignore that chance.”
“That’s easiest,” she agreed.
The path soon debouched into a larger track. There in the center of it was a kind of wheeled wagon labeled CENTAUR STAGE COACH.
They paused. “Is that a pun on center stage, or on stage coach?” Hapless asked.
“Both,” a centaur answered, appearing from behind the coach. “Get in.”
“But we’re on a Quest,” Feline protested. “We can’t just ride randomly.”
“This isn’t random,” the centaur said. “It’s available for those on centaur business. Since you’re on a temporary centaur trail, you must qualify.”
Hapless looked at Feline. “Does this make sense?”
“It must. He’s a centaur. They always make sense.”
“It couldn’t be a fake centaur, designed to get us off the enchanted path and into mischief?”
She paused, considering. Then she addressed the centaur. “If I asked you whether you are a fake, what would you say?”
“Of course not. Centaurs don’t do fake.”
“Then thank you for the ride.” She went to the coach and stepped up into it.
“Uh—” Hapless said uncertainly, too late. Then he shrugged and joined her.
The centaur took hold of a strap at the front of the coach and set off down the trail at a trot. Soon they were moving along at a good clip-clop.
“The way I phrased it, he had to give me a true answer, either way,” Feline explained. “So it was a good verification.”
“That is not the case,” the centaur called back. “You confused it with the truth-teller/liar syndrome, where each always honors his code, and the liar lies about what he would have said and so tells the truth. In the real world, the liar knows that sometimes he can be a more effective liar by telling the truth.”
“Uh-oh,” Hapless said, chagrined.
“Fortunately I am legitimate,” the centaur continued. “Enjoy your ride, but be more careful in the future.”
Feline blushed. “I’m sorry. I thought I had it figured.”
Hapless took her hand. “You tried. And it got us a good ride.”
“Brace yourself. I’m going to kiss you.”
“I don’t need to brace myself for—”
She intercepted him with a kiss so forceful that he fell over on the seat. He had needed bracing after all. He had learned not to take too much for granted with women, but he was really getting to like Feline. Would that be mischief?
They rode on, looking out the small windows. The scenery was fairly racing past. In fact the wind of their passage leaked in and chilled them. There was a blanket, which they pulled over them, but their ears still were cold.
“Use the ear wigs,” the centaur called back.
These turned out to be hairy caps—wigs—with padded muffs that did indeed keep their ears warm. “Thank you!” Feline called.
“I think we got the wrong ones,” Feline said.
He looked at her. The wig made her look like an old time barrister. “You look elegant.”
“Thank you. You’re beautiful yourself.”
“I am?”
Then she fetched out her little makeup mirror and handed it to him. He held it up so he could see his own face.
His wig made him into a long-haired blonde.
“Um, maybe we can exchange?”
She pulled off her wig and gave it to him. He gave her his. Now she looked like the blonde, and actually she was quite appealing that way.
She made a wry face. “You like her better than you like me.”
“I, uh—”
Then her frown-face cracked and she burst out laughing. She had been teasing him.
“Brace yourself,” he said. Then he kissed her. She could have dodged it, but didn’t. So far each kiss had been better than the last, and this was no exception.
“Oh, my,” she said when it ended. “A little heart.”
Now he saw it, floating away like a soap bubble. “Does this mean we’re getting serious?”
“You just love my curves.”
“I, uh”
“Got you again,” she said, smiling.
He spread his hands. “I do like your curves. But I like your personality too.”
“I am slowly coming to believe that,” she said seriously. “But let’s give it time. Other girls have curves too.”
He was glad to leave it at that.
The coach slowed, then stopped. “We have a problem,” the centaur said.
They got out and looked, leaving the ear wigs in the coach. The trail ahead went to a bridge over a deep ravine. It looked all right, with a tall center pole from which cables curved gracefully down to help support the planking. “What is the problem?” Hapless asked.
“The inspector says this bridge might not be safe.”
“Inspector?” Feline asked.
“Me.”
They turned. There was a man who looked to be about 61, give or take a few months. “And you are?” Hapless asked.
“Peter Reddick, from Mundania. I helped build bridges there. Now I inspect them. It’s a living.” He smiled. “Though it seems I died.”
Hapless exchanged most of a baffled look with Feline. What did this mean?
“Some Mundanes come to Xanth when they’re through with Mundania,” the centaur mentioned. “He evidently caught on.”
Oh. “This bridge looks all right,” Hapless said.
“It’s not,” Peter said. “I need to inspect it.”
“How do you know, if you haven’t inspected it yet?” Feline asked.
“It’s a sense I have. It may be magic, this being a magic land.”
“A talent,” Hapless agreed. “To sniff out unsafe bridges.”
“Exactly. I don’t know how it’s unsafe, but you shouldn’t risk it.”
“But we’re going somewhere,” Feline said.
“You won’t get there if the bridge collapses when you’re crossing.”
That was a sound point. “So are you going to inspect it?” Hapless asked.
“Yes. I just got here. My sense indicates that it was in good order, but something about this situation makes it unsafe.”
“This is an enchanted path,” the centaur said. “It should be safe.”
“Unless the enchantment summoned me to make sure,” Peter said.
“Does this make sense?” Feline asked the centaur.
“Yes. Enchanted paths may take new untried routes, as they can’t choose their destinations. The bridge could have been safe with regular use, but not for the coach; it may be conditional safety. So help was summoned.”
“Then let’s get it inspected,” Hapless said impatiently.
Peter put a foot on the bridge. He tapped the sid
es. “This seems solid, but it may take awhile to verify its structural integrity. I don’t have the tools I had in Mundania.”
“Can we help?” Feline asked.
“I’m not sure. I’d like to check out the cables, but they would not be safe for you to try to climb, and—”
He broke off, because Feline had become the cat. She leaped on a thick cable and scampered up it. It vibrated from her slight weight, and there was a faint rattle.
“It shouldn’t do that,” Peter said. “It’s supposed to be secure.” He went to the cable anchorage. “Uh-oh.”
“Loose?” Hapless asked.
“Yes, and it shouldn’t be. This has corroded over time, and though normal weight would not have dislodged it, the weight of that coach probably would have. You could have been dumped into the ravine.”
“Uh,” Hapless said, taken aback. So the threat had been real.
Feline scampered back down, rejoined them, and returned to human form.
“Fortunately I can fix it.” Peter worked on it, and soon pronounced it secure.
“Thank you,” Feline said, and kissed him on the cheek.
“Glad to have been of service,” Peter said, dazed. Hapless knew how that was. Those kisses were potent.
They returned to the carriage and the centaur hauled them across. The cable remained securely connected. “I am relieved,” Feline murmured. “I did feel that rattle when I was on it.”
“Yes. That’s what gave him the clue.”
They waved to Peter from the other side, and he waved back.
“I think I have learned something about enchanted paths,” Hapless said.
“What is that?”
“It’s not just where they go, but how they get there.”
She nodded. “I think someone is angling for another kiss.”
“I wasn’t!” he protested. “I just am coming to appreciate things I never thought of before.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
He looked at her. “It certainly seemed as if—”
“I meant me.” She leaned toward him and kissed him.
Oh. She had gotten him again. He didn’t mind at all.
Soon the coach slowed again. “I hope it’s not another obstruction,” Hapless said.
“What. You don’t like being stuck alone with me?”
This time he was ready. “I like it well. But an obstruction will interrupt our alone togetherness.”
Feline laughed, “Well put. But there should be other occasions.”
The coach halted. “I think we have a problem,” the centaur said.
They got out and looked. The trail ahead was moving, shifting positions from side to side. One moment it led through a forest; the next, through an adjacent field. Then across a swampy area. When it moved, the scenery reappeared where it had been, uninterrupted. It was weird.
“It’s as if it can’t make up its mind,” Feline said.
“I know how that is,” Hapless said. “I am often that way myself.”
“It is supposed to be locked onto its destination,” the centaur said, perplexed. “That should not be moving.”
Hapless got an idea, not enough for a bulb flash, but still interesting. “It’s locked onto Zed. A zebra-striped centaur. Maybe he’s moving.”
“A striped centaur?” the centaur said, frowning. “That’s irregular.”
“You don’t approve?” Hapless asked, knowing the answer.
“Naturally I don’t. Zebras have striped hides; centaurs don’t.”
“Unless maybe his folks met at a love spring,” Feline said. “A zebra and a centaur.”
“That would be miscegenation. We definitely don’t approve of that.”
“My parents met at a love spring.”
“Well, you’re a cat. You have lesser standards.”
“Lesser standards! What are you, a bigot?”
“Everyone knows that cats have no morals. Centaurs, in contrast, do.”
Feline opened her mouth, showing catlike teeth. Hapless rushed to get between them. “We thank you for the ride, centaur. We’ll take it from here.”
“He’s snatching for a scratching!” Feline spat.
“We can stay on the path,” Hapless said. “Maybe it will move us with it.”
“You’re taking the part of that catty creature?” the centaur demanded.
“Catty creature!” Feline exclaimed. “You horse-faced hoofer, what makes you think—”
Hapless wrapped his arms about her, picked her up, and hurried down the switching path. “Thank you!” he called back to the centaur.
The centaur shook his head, then turned and hauled his coach back away from them. Immediately it dissipated, and he was left in brush. “Serves him right,” he muttered as he set Feline down.
“You did take my part,” Feline said.
“Well, sure. We have to get where we’re going, and—”
“Weren’t you afraid I’d scratch you?”
“I guess I’d rather get scratched than see you insulted.”
“Are you trying for another kiss?”
He paused, taking stock. “If it’s a choice between scratching and kissing, I’ll take the kiss.”
She swiped at his face with claws extended. He scrunched his eyes shut, unable to get his face out of the way in time. Then her kiss landed. She had been teasing him again, at least in part. It was another wonderful experience.
“You do like me for more than my curves,” she said.
“For your curves and your kisses,” he agreed.
“Are we still on the path?”
“I think so. But it’s weird the way it’s switching.”
“It is.”
They stood and watched the scenery change around them. The path was keeping them on it as it jumped from place to place.
Then they saw what was at its end. A zebra-striped centaur was dodging back and forth, and the path was switching to keep up with him.
“He’s trying to avoid it!” Feline said, amazed.
“Why would he do that?”
“We’ll just have to catch up and ask him.”
They ran along the switching path, getting closer to the centaur despite the changing background.
“Hey, Zed!” Hapless called. “What are you doing?”
The centaur paused at the sound of his name. That was all the path needed. It latched onto his hind hooves, securely anchored.
“Oh, bleep!” Zed swore.
They reached him and stepped off the path. “We’re coming to help you,” Hapless said. “Why were you trying to avoid our path?”
“Because I changed my mind,” Zed said. “I thought I’d undertake a Quest to find my true wish. Then things got weird and I realized it was a mistake, so I tried to cancel it. But that creepy path kept coming after me. Now I’m stuck.”
“What is your true wish?” Feline asked.
“To find true love.”
“You no longer want true love?”
“Oh, I still want it. But I don’t think I’ll find it by traveling along weird paths.”
“Well, this path is gone,” Hapless said. “You don’t have to take any path you don’t want to.”
Zed looked around. There was now no path, just scenery. “I don’t?”
“It was just to lead us to you,” Feline said. “You can quit now if you want to. Otherwise we should get acquainted, because we’ll be keeping company for a while.”
“Who would want to keep company with a striped centaur?”
“Have you looked at me recently?” Feline stroked her own striped hair.
“Um.” The centaur was plainly taken aback.
“Try thinking outside the box,” Hapless said. “Consider doing something you haven’t tried before, like joining a Quest.”
“That’s a novel notion.”
Hapless plowed ahead. “I’m Hapless. My talent is to conjure musical instruments, but I can’t play any. My wish in part is to find an instrument I can play.�
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“I see,” Zed said cautiously.
“I’m Feline. I’m a human/cat crossbreed.” She changed to cat form, and back. “My wish is to find someone who will love me for something other than my curves.”
“You’re a striped cat!” Zed said.
“Like a blue and white zebra,” she agreed. “You get mocked for your stripes? Tell me about it.”
“I apologize,” Zed said. “You folk are like me. Misfits. No affront intended.”
“None taken,” Feline said. “That’s what we are.”
“Now we understand each other,” Hapless said. “Are you with us? You can go your own way and we’ll go on without you, but we figure there is reason we are being put together and we’d rather have you along.”
“Go my own way?”
“In due course we’ll activate the path to the next Quest Companion,” Hapless said. “If you don’t get on that path with us, we’ll separate and probably never meet again. So it’s your choice.”
Zed considered, then took hold in the centaur manner. “You mentioned thinking outside the box. I am interested. But I prefer to know more. How did you get started on this Quest? There has to be more to it than just enjoying each other’s company.”
“The Good Magician came to see me, and talked me into it,” Hapless said. “He said I was needed for the Quest, and others would suffer if I didn’t take it. So I did.”
“Just to find an instrument you can play?”
“Well, he said I would also accomplish something meaningful, and have two or three girlfriends.”
“Feline looks like one,” Zed said. “You need more?”
Hapless felt a bit out of sorts. “I don’t know whether Feline is one. The Good Magician mentioned two good girls and one bad girl.”
“Well, villains are the reason that heroes exist. Maybe you need a villainess in order to become a hero.”
“I don’t know. But I think I’d settle for Feline.”
“Except that you like her human curves too well?”
Centaurs were sharp! “Yes.”
“So the two of you could quit the Quest now and be satisfied, if she were amenable.”
Hapless felt himself blushing. “Yes. Except I wouldn’t have accomplished anything meaningful or have found my musical instrument.”
“How do you feel about that?” Zed asked Feline.
“I wouldn’t want to deny him his instrument.”
xanth 40 - isis orb Page 7
