And just to think, this smug bitch had my baby sucked out of her yesterday, he thought in pure anger and hatred. How can she be that fucking cold?
Easy, another thought entered his mind with pure basic instinct, she’s just another rich bitch looking for a wealthy husband and a free ride.
“Are you reading anything interesting?” Kaz greeted in a cold voice.
She looked up at him before she sat up in bed, Indian-style, and smiled. “Yes. One of my favorite indie authors just released a new book and I am loving it. What’s up? I thought you had practice today.”
“No, the concert is tonight and we decided to practice yesterday. I wanted to rest my vocal chords so I would be in prime shape tonight. However, it’s nice to know you are taking full advantage of your free time.”
She failed to hear the bite in his tone. “What do you mean? I spent yesterday with Talia and we shopped a lot.”
Kaz laced his fingers together because if he hadn’t, he would have walked over to her and smashed that fucking tablet before he slapped the shit out of her pretty face.
“Was this before or after you visited a clinic here in Paris? How can you be so fucking cavalier when you allowed a doctor to vacuum my baby out of your womb?”
Recognition dawned on her pretty face and she chewed on her lower lip as her hands began to tremble and she set the Kindle on the bed. “It’s not what you think, Kaz.”
He was so angry with her he stalked to her, grabbed her by the arms and stood her up. “Then tell me how the fuck it really was like because how can you ask me—practically fucking beg me—to tell me you love me only to turn around and flush my fucking kid down the garbage like it’s a piece of trash you need to get rid of? What was the point of me confessing my feelings for you when you have made me fucking hate you? And I despise you at this moment. I would send your dumb ass back home if you weren’t the concert photographer!”
Tears streamed down Sydney’s cheeks. “I meant…I couldn’t go through with it! I tried but all I kept thinking about was I would rather be in my mother’s position than know I killed a human being. I’m not judging other women who do it but it wouldn’t have been the right decision for me—for us!”
His heart seemed to stop in his chest before it began to beat again with an overwhelming intensity that made it hard for him to breathe. “You’re still pregnant?”
She nodded before she looked away. “The doctor said about six weeks to be exactly. My body parts are working just fine but he told me to take it easy during the first trimester since that is when most women have a miscarriage. I didn’t make love to you last night because I didn’t know what to tell you exactly and how you would react.”
Kaz wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. “I’m happy, sweetie. Is it the ideal time? Fuck no but there never is one and I want this kid with you. I want to have a child with you and if you had killed my baby, I am telling you right now, there would be no me and you. I’m progressive about a lot of different causes but you do not get to decide to throw away our baby, you got that?”
Syd nodded her head as she stared at him with those lovely steel blue eyes. “Talia told me the same thing…she said I should tell you before I made any rash decisions and I am glad I did. I didn’t want to get rid of our child but this is all happening so fast and I don’t think we have had the space to breathe.”
He continued to hold and caress her in his arms before he kissed the top of her head. “Baby, we have plenty of time to breathe when we’re fuckin’ old. I’m just glad you didn’t do anything you would regret because if I didn’t want the baby or you, I would have never confessed any feelings for you.
“Did you think you were going to end up in Misty’s position? That wouldn’t ever happen because I’m not some criminal loser who doesn’t give a shit about who he’s barebacking with. Babe, I love you and I already love this baby. It’s going to be you and me and Xander. He should know his kid brother or kid sister, don’t you think?”
Syd stared him directly in the eyes and inquired, “What about Damira? Do you honestly think she is going to give up her child without a fight?”
He didn’t look at her as he glared straight ahead with cold blue green eyes. “You let me worry about her, is that clear?”
“Crystal,” she replied without hesitation.
Kaz held her close before he kissed her on the forehead.
He was going to be a father again and the thought delighted him to no end. Now he could strut out there like the rock star he was, face a crowd of eighty thousand people and really rock the house.
Chapter Five
The Stade de France Concert
AFTER KAZ HAD found out about my pregnancy, I had no choice but to spend the afternoon with the girls telling them what was going on. The news would spread like wild fire and I wanted my best friends to hear it from me rather than the rumor mill.
I dressed casually in a pair of skinny blue jeans and an oversized black vicuña tunic sweater with a pair of two-inch, knee-length black leather boots. I slipped my hair into a ponytail and made my way down to the W Lounge where I found them sitting around in a cozy little group.
“Look who has decided to grace us with her presence,” Faith announced in a sarcastic yet jovial tone. “Kaz keeps you under such lock and key, we thought we’d lost you there for a moment.”
I took a seat next to Laurel who sipped from a mojito. “You’re kidding, right? I wanted to hang out with you gals yesterday but all you want to do is drink and talk. This is Paris and no way could I pass up the shopping.”
Sasha rolled her eyes. “The hotel has a personal shopper on twenty-four hour duty. We used her yesterday while sipping on champagne while you two were traipsing around the city.” She paused before her hands reached for her fluted glass. “Is it true? Can you not drink anymore for fear of giving the baby fetal alcohol syndrome?”
My expression was less than pleased. In fact, I was downright pissed off. How did they know?
“And, pray tell, how did you find out I was expecting?”
Faith rolled intrigued gray-green eyes. “It’s a tour, Syd…we’re all in close quarters and all the sudden you go from hard core scotch and champagne girl to…nothing at all alcoholic? We’d have to be blinder than Stevie Wonder not to realize something was up. I thought you were using protection. Not exactly the smartest thing to do—getting pregnant by your boyfriend before you’ve been together for a year.”
“Actually, it’s none of our business what happens in their relationship,” Laurel added with more than a hint of annoyance in her tone. “Who are you to tell Syd how to behave when you’ve flushed two of Jaden’s kids down the toilet?”
Faith finished off her dirty martini before she slammed the glass on the table. “That was a bitchy thing to do, Laurel. If I would have known you were going to put my business in the street, I wouldn’t have told you from the get-go. Look at Jaden—he’s in no position to take care of himself let alone be a father. Besides…I told you the second time I wasn’t sure whose baby it was and I couldn’t take any chances.”
“Ohh, so sorry. Didn’t think I was hitting a nerve. You’re so self-assured about what Sydney should do but when the past is thrown in your face, all the sudden you get touchy. No one wants to be told what to do with their bodies. Syd is a grown ass woman and if she wants a baby with Kaz and he’s cool with it then it’s none of our business.”
“Agreed,” Sasha murmured. “Might as well have another drink before we leave.”
Faith stood and grabbed her Hermès Kelly handbag. “I think I have had enough, thank you very much. Nice to know whose side you two are on!”
“Sweetie, don’t leave! I haven’t seen you in ages,” I protested.
“What does it matter? You’ve got Talia and these two who kiss your lily white ass—it’s quite obvious you don’t need me.”
We all watched her stroll off in a huff before I sipped from a bottle of Evian Sasha had discreetly ordere
d for me.
“Jesus, is she always that bad? Is this what I have been missing while Damira and I work our ever loving asses off on this goddamn tour? Some drama queen who gets her La Perla thong in a twist because she’s aborted two of Jaden’s kids?” I inquired to no one in particular.
“Well, technically, they were embryos but…Faith can be a bit erratic. She is using drugs along with her boyfriend so sometimes she’s really sweet and other times, I think there’s too much speed in the cocaine or something,” Laurel said casually before she sipped on her mojito again.
I glanced from my best friend to her stoic sister. “What about you two? Will and Grant aren’t on the ‘night train’ or ‘dancing with Mr. Brownstone’, are they?”
“Are you shitting me? Grant hates that shit!” Sasha exclaimed as she looked up from her Samsung Galaxy Note.
“The only substance I’ve had on this tour besides caffeine and alcohol is marijuana.” Laurel shrugged nonchalantly. “What can I say? Will loves his chronic but he doesn’t do other drugs. He just doesn’t see the point.”
“Smart man.” I finished up my water and stood. “Well, ladies, I will see you tonight after the show. I have to go upstairs and get prepared.”
The two sisters waved before I walked off and headed towards the bank of elevators.
SHORTLY AFTER A desperately needed hot shower, I dressed casually in a pair of skinny white jeans and an oversized black cashmere sweater. It would be a while before I would have to adjust my clothing and I hoped to God it wouldn’t happen on this tour.
The day previous had been an absolute nightmare. Talia had managed to get me an appointment at an ultra-discreet Parisian clinic. My relationship with Kaz was no longer a secret in Europe because several magazines had filmed us together kissing and hugging. They always referred to me as a “Shipping heiress” or “Elusive, obscenely wealthy granddaughter of a Norwegian shipping magnate”; the cabbie we rode with that night in London had sold his story to the Daily Mail and talked about how we “almost had sex in his black cab”.
The only good thing about dating a rock star was none of these antics were continued strange or unusual therefore I only had to look out for paparazzi, even when I was alone.
The moment I’d approached the clinic, my pulse began to race and I wondered if I could truly go through with it. I had never been in that position before in my life but I had to do something. My behavior had gone completely erratic and if I wasn’t attacking Kaz for sex then I was ignoring him. The poor man didn’t know what to think and I could see the confusion in his eyes.
However, I didn’t even know what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t behave normally and deduced it to pregnancy hormones.
The clinic had been high-tech, classy and discreet. The doctor had checked me out thoroughly before he announced I was indeed pregnant and around six weeks. I didn’t understand how this happened because we’d been ultra-careful; I was on birth control pills so how the hell had something like this happened?
And then I remembered how six weeks previously, the tour had finally begun to take its toll on me and I had run out of birth control pills and had to visit the tour doctor who’d filled my prescription. We happened to be in a less than progressive part of the States and it’d taken me almost a week to get the prescription filled. None of the pharmacies in Texas would do it; it was against their religious beliefs or some such shit. I hadn’t gotten them filled until we got to Kansas City, Missouri and all that time, Kaz and I were still fucking like bunny rabbits while I took doses of children aspirin in front of him so he wouldn’t think I wasn’t taking my birth control pills.
As soon the prescription was filled, I had enough to last me the rest of the tour and then some. I began to take them again but it threw off my period and by the time I had started the placebos, my period had been light and had only lasted three days. I didn’t think anything of it and thought I would be okay.
It was my own sorry fault. I should have told Kaz the truth and he would have worn a condom…or would he? The man hated them and it was the precise reason why he’d never been a man-whore on previous tours. He preferred to share Jaden’s piece of ass and his best friend being brought up in the biker lifestyle, wasn’t exactly all that bothered.
It was true, he had kept his cheating on Damira to a minimum but the last year of their marriage, he no longer cared. He’d confessed to me one night how he had as much ass on the tour as he could acquire. Of course he conveniently forgot about that year in his mind and had successfully convinced himself he’d been the perfect husband but the night he’d come clean to me, tears rolled down his eyes.
“You sure you want to be with a fuck up like me? I’ve been a lousy son, a lousy husband and a lousy father. You deserve better, Syd. I’m not all that different from the other rockers out there. I’ve used drugs and fucked women and behaved in deplorable ways. I’m not a saint. I may seem like a decent person but I’m not. This façade I wear—it’s me…I’m tattooed and scarred, both on the outside and in here.” He pointed to his brain before he patted his heart. “I’m so very fucked up and you deserve a man who is going to worship you and realize your beauty isn’t on the outside but inside. You’re an angel.”
I’d laughed at this statement. “Kaz, I’m just as fucked up as you are. What? Just because I haven’t suffered from sexual abuse doesn’t mean I don’t have my issues. I’m so scared of being abandoned, I made you say you loved me before you were ready. I know it probably isn’t true and you’re still quite fond of me because…real love takes time. Patience is something I sorely lack if you hadn’t figured it out yet.”
I remembered him holding me in his arms and squeezing me tighter. I knew he wanted to say something but I wasn’t done, not by a long shot.
“I’m not an idiot…every relationship you have been in has left its scars and marks…it makes it harder for you to trust people and to love. I get that. Me? I’m a goddamn novice. I have never loved anyone other than my grandpa, my mother and my two best friends: Laurel and Faith. I have never been in love with a man so I don’t know what the hell I am doing and I know it just might be the sex that has me sprung but…I swear to God I feel I love you with my heart.”
“We’ve spent a lot of time together, Syd—”
“I know that, Kaz.” My long winded ass still had more shit to get off my chest and I still blamed it on the pregnancy hormones. “You’re beautiful to me and I love your soul and your spirit and your heart. Your physical appearance is what initially attracted me to you but if you were burned in a fire or cut up to be damned and scarred physically beyond recognition, I would still be by your side because your looks mean nothing to me. Neither does the money. I love you, the man…the fucked up beyond recognition, damaged, bruised, battered and scared little boy who has become a fascinating and talented man who I can’t live without.
“What I am trying to say—and yes, I realize I am going through Mississippi to get to New York—is that no matter what you looked like physically, it doesn’t change my feelings for you. I realize this is a deep declaration of love you may never be able to return to me but in time, I hope you will learn to love me and appreciate me. I know patience is a virtue and I will wait until the end of time to be yours, Kasper Gillian…until the end of fucking time, do you hear me? Or at least as long as I have in this fucked up world where everyone is searching for someone or something to love.”
He’d kissed me then and we’d made hot passionate love and the thoughts brought tears to my eyes because for a moment, he’d hated me. I had broken his heart, his love, trust and faith in me. He didn’t think anything I said was the truth due to a visit to a clinic in Paris to rid myself of our baby.
The doctor wouldn’t let me hear the heartbeat or anything else. After he’d determined I was pregnant, he’d started preparing his equipment for the abortion.
I remembered laying on that table and squeezing my hands until my nails bit into my skin. The pain was a small relief and
I knew I couldn’t go through with it. I would never condemn another woman for having the courage I didn’t but I was a rich, spoiled coward; I wasn’t a strong human being and weak as cat shit. I couldn’t get rid of our baby.
My legs left the stirrups and I kind of half-tumbled, half-fell to the cold tile floor. “I can’t do this…”
The doctor turned toward me with equipment in his hand that had made me physically shudder. “Mademoiselle, you have booked the time—”
“I know.” I grabbed my handbag and set the payment I would have given him for a successful procedure in cash—euros obviously—and began to strip out of my sterile gown. “I have decided I want to keep this baby after all.”
After I’d changed back into my clothes, I ran out of that sterile room where the souls of too many dead fetuses could be felt, and approached Talia.
She’d looked me at strangely before relief flooded her face. “Thank fucking God you didn’t go through with it. I know too many women who are still haunted by what they have done…myself included. I am all for women’s rights and would never condone the outlaw of abortions but more women should be educated about what they are getting themselves into. It’s not just the physical procedure that is the issue but the aftermath.
Falling Into Love Page 5
