by Judy Blume
“I’ve been through worse,” Vix said.
Abby walked around the room straightening the sea-shell picture on the wall, touching the lamp, picking up the flashlight from the bedside table. “Do you think she knows what she’s doing?”
“I don’t know,” Vix said.
Abby clicked the flashlight on and off a couple of times. “Will he be enough for her? Will the island be enough? Or is she just playing some game?”
“I don’t know that either.”
Abby dropped the flashlight on the bed and took Vix’s hand. “How about you … will you be all right tonight?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“And tomorrow … at the wedding?”
Vix nodded. “Don’t worry.”
Abby kissed her. “That’s my girl.”
Abby
WHAT CAN SHE DO? You have to be happy for your children even when you don’t understand their decisions. Lamb is as surprised as she is, but pleased. Of all the choices Caitlin might have made over the years, this one doesn’t seem so bad to him. And it’s close to home. After the tragedy of losing her friends, after the monastery, this feels like a positive step. Besides, he reminds her, Vix and Bru broke up years ago. He’s sure Vix has given them her blessing.
PHOEBE SPOTS VIX across the room and waves her over. She introduces Vix to her current boyfriend, Philippe, who’s French, older, dignified. “Tacky, n’est-ce pas?” she asks, pulling the T-shirt over her head. She bends over, letting her hair hang to the floor, before quickly straightening up and flipping it back. Then she belts the T-shirt over her long denim skirt. With her Santa Fe silver Phoebe still looks stylish.
Vix isn’t thrilled about wearing the T-shirt either since she’s carefully chosen a dress with an eye-catching neckline. Looking good tonight is important to her. But she can’t be a spoilsport. Dorset, Lamb’s sister, is the only one who refuses to don the shirt. No one argues with her.
Bru’s extended family greets Vix—the uncles, the aunts, all those cousins, including Von with a very pregnant Patti and two little girls, one of whom is wailing.
“What do you say, Vix?” Von asks. “Wasn’t sure you’d show.”
“Please … I’m the Maid of Honor.” She tries to keep it light. No bad feelings on her part. After all, she’s the one who’d said no. She’s the one who wasn’t ready. And that’s exactly what she’ll tell anyone who asks, as if saying it will make it easier to take.
“So, how’s it going in the Big Apple?” Von says.
“It’s lively …” She starts to say more, then thinks better of it. Why try to justify her decision now, especially to Von?
“More lively than here, I’ll bet,” Patti says.
“Bitch, bitch, bitch …” Von gives Patti a look of such contempt it makes Vix cringe. Patti shoves the screaming toddler at Von and heads for the women’s room. Vix follows.
“You just don’t know,” Patti says. “He’s always like that … pissed off at me for living.” She goes into the single stall while Vix applies lip gloss and brushes her hair.
“Everybody goes crazy on this island,” Patti continues, from inside. “ ‘Just take me to Boston a couple of times during the winter,’ I beg him. You think he cares? But let somebody give him tickets to a Bruins game and he’s outta here in a flash. Now you see him, now you don’t.” The toilet flushes and Patti steps out, adjusting the T-shirt over her maternity dress. “That’s all they care about in winter anyway. Every night it’s hockey, hockey, hockey … then it’s a couple of beers with the guys and God knows what else …”
Patti washes her hands and fluffs out her hair. Vix remembers the first time they saw her with Von, at the Ag Fair. She and Caitlin were fourteen, Patti was probably a couple of years older, punk, pierced, and painted, with a purple streak running through her hair. Von introduced her as his main squeeze.
“Does he give you fish heads?” Caitlin had asked.
“He gives me better than that,” Patti told her, sliding one of her legs between Von’s, kissing him open-mouthed.
Caitlin applauded. “I didn’t know they were doing live sex at the fair this year.”
The guys laughed. Guys always laughed when Caitlin talked tough.
Patti’s hair is natural now. “He thinks he’s God’s gift to women.” She’s still going on, ranting about Von. “He can’t stand that she’s marrying Bru. He says, ‘Jeez … all that money and a great piece of ass, too. Now that girl could give blow jobs!’ As if I haven’t been sucking his dick since I’m sixteen!”
Vix pretends to be studying her reflection in the mirror. She doesn’t want to hear this. She has her own problems tonight.
“They’re all the same, aren’t they?” Patti asks. “You think it’ll be any different with Bru just because he’s marrying up? Ha! He’ll be out playing hockey and chasing pussy with the rest of them. You were smart to go somewhere else, to make a life for yourself.” Patti’s face contorts and she begins to cry silently, her shoulders shaking.
Vix pats her back. “You going to be okay?”
Patti nods. She fishes a tissue out of her pocket. “I just need a minute …”
“I’ll see you outside,” Vix tells her.
Von is waiting, one little girl in his arms, the other hanging on to his leg. “I’ll bet she gave you an earful.”
“Nothing I haven’t heard before,” Vix says.
“Look, it was always a mistake. But I never thought it’d get this bad … you know?”
She couldn’t believe it when Bru had told her Von and Patti were married. Married! That Patti was pregnant. He’d called her at school with the news when she was just starting her sophomore year.
“You look great,” Von says, coming on to her. “Very sexy … but then you always were, weren’t you?” He’s in her face, whispering into her ear. His free hand rests on the back of her neck. The toddler pulls at his hair. “How about that birthday party on Chappy?” he says. “I think about that a lot …”
Vix wriggles away and sees that Bru and Caitlin have arrived. The Bride and Groom. The Happy Couple. Bru is looking directly at her. Damn! He looks good. She’s been hoping he’d turned flabby, that she’ll feel nothing, nothing but relief that she’s not the one marrying him tomorrow. But the old physical reflexes kick in, her knees go weak, her palms grow clammy. The moment of truth, Victoria. Don’t blow it! They make eye contact. He gives her his soulful look, that look that could melt her insides. You’re my girl, Victoria. You’ll always be my girl. She has no idea what he’s really thinking. Maybe it’s more like, Get a look at Victoria! Jeez … has she gained weight or is it just that stupid T-shirt?
She grabs a glass of champagne as it’s passed on a tray, holds it up as if to toast him, then gulps it down. He smiles as she ducks out of Von’s reach. There, it’s over … they’ve acknowledged one another and she’s survived.
She makes her way across the room to Sharkey. She hasn’t seen him since Lamb’s fiftieth. There’s a woman at his side with a small child clinging to her back like a koala. He introduces her to Vix as Wren, and the child as her daughter, Natasha. Wren has a hair wrap and wears a long Indian print skirt. Is this a romantic relationship? Does Sharkey have a woman in his life? You might as well marry into it, Victoria. What about the brother? She feels like laughing, either that or crying, but she’s her mother’s daughter. She doesn’t wash her linen in public.
Sharkey hugs Vix carefully, bending his body so that nothing of importance touches her and vice versa. “Are you okay?” he asks, and she understands that his question has nothing to do with her health.
“I’m fine, really …” she tells him, helping herself to a second glass of champagne.
“Good. That’s good.” He moved back east after he got his Ph.D. and is a post doc in the artificial intelligence program at M.I.T. “Daniel and Gus are here,” he says, nodding in their direction.
Vix follows his gaze and there they are. The Chicago Boys together again. She’s Alice, fa
llen down the rabbit hole. Her whole history is connected to the guests at this party. Daniel is tall and slim, with thinning hair, impeccably dressed in Polo Sport, and wearing that same bored expression as the day she met him. He practices law now, with his father’s firm in Chicago. Vix knows that Abby has some unspoken wish for the two of them to wind up together. She wonders if Daniel knows it, too.
Gus is a big man with a thick neck, broad shoulders, dark hair. Vix hasn’t seen him since the summer she walked out on Caitlin, eight years ago. She wades through the sea of T-shirts, Caitlin’s and Bru’s faces smiling at her from all directions, and takes The Chicago Boys by surprise.
“Cough Drop!” Gus gives her a tight hug. Unlike Sharkey, he has no fear of pressing his body close to hers or of kissing her too close to her mouth. “Good to see you.” And for once, she’s glad to see him. The summer sister and the summer brother. Daniel holds her by the shoulders and plants a cool kiss near her ear. “How are you, Vix?”
It’s driving her crazy, all these condolences. She can’t stand the idea of them thinking she’s been betrayed. It’s important to set the record straight, to let everyone know once and for all that whatever she and Bru had, it’s officially over, it’s been over for a long time. He’s free to marry whomever, even Caitlin. Okay, so it’s awkward. But look … is she falling apart? No, goddamn it! Can’t they see she’s fine? That she’s one hundred percent!
“So …” Gus says, “is your boyfriend here?”
“My boyfriend?” She pauses, thinking she should have brought someone. Why didn’t she? Earl would have come with her. He’d have found enough material here for at least two new plays. But she says, “No … he couldn’t make it. What about your girlfriend?”
“What girlfriend?” Gus asks. “I’m still trying to get over you. You were my first love.”
This time she laughs for real.
“You don’t believe me? Ask the Baumer if it’s not true.”
Daniel gives her his haughty look. “God help us … it’s true.”
“Well, Gus … here’s to what might have been,” Vix says, downing a third glass of champagne. This one is a mistake. She knows it the minute she sets the empty glass on the tray. It goes straight to her head, making her dizzy and slightly nauseous. The Chicago Boys escort her outside, where the three of them sit on a log on the beach.
Daniel
VIX IS LOOKING GOOD. Lost that baby fat. You can see her cheekbones now. Not his type though. He prefers cool blondes. Sleek. The last one told him, You’re just too intense for me, Daniel. I need someone, you know, with less intensity.
He’s working on it but given his genes he doesn’t expect to wind up anywhere near loose. Not like Gus with his easygoing humor. Women find him irresistible. Don’t mind his unkempt look. Maybe they dream about making him over, about buying him clothes. You never can tell with women.
Look at Ab … Who’d have guessed his mother had it in her? Drives his father nuts that she’s done so well for herself. Not just the part about Lamb and the money. The other stuff, the philanthropy. She sits on the boards of four major organizations. Lamb’s turned out to be a decent guy. Bought Ab’s folks a place on Longboat Key. Grandma’s the queen of the condo set.
He’s not sure about working at his father’s firm. Since his father divorced the Babe he’s been having some kind of personal crisis. Gets depressed. Doctor had him on Prozac for a while. Maybe it’s time for him to move on, relocate even. Miami’s hot, in more ways than one.
AFTER A MINUTE Vix slides down in the sand, resting her head against the log. Her eyes close. She floats in and out as Gus and Daniel reminisce, their voices coming from far away, though she can feel their bodies right next to her.
“She never could resist those island guys,” Gus says.
He’s got it wrong, she thinks. It was only Bru she couldn’t resist.
“There we were, horny as hell,” he continues, “and she goes and boffs the one with the ponytail.”
Oh, Caitlin … he’s talking about Caitlin.
“She’s still gorgeous,” Daniel says.
“But jaded now,” Gus tells him.
“You think?” Daniel asks.
“You can see it in her eyes.”
They’re talking right through her, as if she’s not there, as if she’s invisible. Maybe she’s dead and just doesn’t know it.
“So this one time,” Gus is saying, “I’m walking by her room and she pulls me in and shuts the door. ‘Gus … would you do my back?’ she says, and she hands me a bottle of suntan lotion. She’s wearing that yellow suit—remember that yellow suit?—and she pulls down the straps … hell, she pulls the whole suit down to her waist. I’m nineteen or something … a kid with hormones.”
Vix isn’t sure if she’s going to throw up or not. She tries opening her eyes but that makes everything spin so she quickly shuts them.
The Chicago Boys must remember her then because she can feel them looking down at her, making sure it’s safe to continue. Gus says, “The Cough Drop is totally out of it.”
Daniel says, “If you tell me you made it with Caitlin and kept it to yourself all these years …”
“Not even close,” Gus says. “I got to cup those perfect little tits in my hands for about two seconds, then she says, ‘I want you to use it while I watch.’ ‘Use what?’ I ask her. She says, ‘The whole package …’ ”
“The package?” Daniel asks.
“The package,” Gus tells him. Vix imagines him jiggling his balls to show Daniel what he means, because the two of them began to laugh.
Vix wants to laugh, too. Wants to laugh about how Cassandra counted Vixen’s pubic hairs. Sixteen. You’re so lucky! But she feels herself on the verge of tears instead.
“I always thought she’d make something of her life,” Daniel says. “Something important.”
A bell clangs announcing dinner, and Gus shakes Vix. “Okay, Cough Drop … time to get up.” He helps her to her feet. “How’re you feeling? You going to survive?”
She’s wobbly but she makes it down to the water, where she pulls off the stupid T-shirt, wets it, then holds it to her face and neck. “Now that’s more like it,” Gus says, eyeing her dress, still a big kid with hormones.
“And just for the record,” she tells him, “I was the one with the yellow bathing suit.”
She’s sandwiched between Daniel and Gus at dinner. When Gus catches Phoebe’s boyfriend giving Vix a sleepy-eyed once-over, he turns to Daniel. “Cough Drop attracts guys like a magnet.”
Caitlin was the magnet. She was just a particle in her magnetic field.
After dinner they’re asked to gather on the beach for a display of fireworks honoring the bride and groom. Daniel covers her shoulders with his linen jacket. She leans back against Gus, who, she thinks, sniffs her hair as the sky lights up, taking her back to other fireworks on other beaches. You’re not scared of me, are you? No, I’m scared of these feelings.
When the party breaks up, Caitlin offers to drive her back to the B&B. “Aren’t you going home with Bru?” Vix asks.
“Not tonight. It’s bad luck for the bride and groom to spend the night before the wedding together.”
Vix never heard that one but she gets into Caitlin’s white Jeep. The top is down and as they head out of town the wind whips their hair. “This isn’t too hard for you, is it?” Caitlin asks. “I mean, seeing us together?”
Vix is grateful for the darkness and the champagne.
“It was over between the two of you so long ago …”
Vix would like to be generous, to reassure Caitlin, but she can’t find the right words, so she says nothing.
“I hate it when you clam up that way!” Caitlin shouts. The Jeep swerves. Vix shuts her eyes and hangs on, sure Caitlin is going to kill them. But no, she just makes a sudden decision to pull into the Tashmoo Overlook where she cuts the engine and rests her head on the wheel. “Oh, God …” she cries. “I don’t even know if I want to marry him.�
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Vix stiffens.
“That shocks you, I suppose?” Caitlin says. “You’ve never done a single thing you’ve regretted, have you?”
At that moment Vix feels such a rush of … what? She’s not sure. She’s not sure if she hates Caitlin or herself, or maybe Bru, for creating this situation in the first place.
“Oh, hell …” Caitlin wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “It’ll be a good party, anyway.” She turns the key in the ignition and revs up the engine, then drives to the B&B where she drops off Vix. “Sleep tight …” she calls, blowing Vix a kiss.
“You, too.”
43
SHE KNOWS she won’t be able to sleep. She tries to read but she can’t concentrate so she grabs her sweater and the flashlight and heads back outside. The wind is picking up. She shines her flashlight along the wooded road leading down to the beach. She doesn’t see the figure stepping out of the shadows until he grabs her. She’s paralyzed by fear. She can’t scream, can’t run. So this is how it’s all going to end. Talk about screwing up the wedding party!
He spins her around … but wait … it’s not a madman, at least not the kind she had in mind. It’s Bru. “We have to talk,” he says. She shakes him off and walks faster. He strides alongside her. “I don’t know how any of this happened. I don’t know what I’m doing with her. What we’re doing together.”
She stops and aims the flashlight at his face. “You two should have a really happy marriage!”
“Look, Victoria, it’s a mistake … I admit it … okay?”
“Spare me,” Vix says, holding up her other hand. He reaches for it and pulls her to him, making her gulp for air. She’s seventeen again, swimming for her life … but this time she’s being sucked under … this time she’s drowning. She drops the flashlight to the ground.
