by Jewel E. Ann
“Ryn?” He hooked just her pinkie finger with his finger and tugged it. That small touch stopped her heart.
“Please don’t,” she whispered, not wanting him to know the fragile shell of her heart could splinter into tiny pieces from his slightest touch.
“I miss you.”
Ryn bit her tongue instead of screaming. Why did he say that? He missed her, so what?
“That’s not my fault.” She pulled from his grasp and even though it was just his finger, it took incredible strength to let go. Ryn hated herself for giving a man that much power over her again.
“What if we just went back to how things were before, except … without the sex?”
On an uncontrolled laugh, she turned. “Friends? Are you taking another vow of celibacy or is this just your way of keeping me under your control so no one else can have me even if you don’t want me?”
“Dammit!” He pushed her against the door, caging her in with his hands against the window.
She didn’t move, not even a breath, as his came in huffs of angry hot air over her face. “Two weeks. Give me two weeks and it will be like this never happened.” The muscles in his jaw pulsed.
“Just like that? Whatever it is that has you so ‘fucked up’ is just going to disappear in two weeks?”
Jackson stared at her with determination etched along his tensed brows, eyes narrowed as he nodded.
She turned, waiting for him to release her from his prison. Jackson let his hands drop to his sides. Ryn opened the door and climbed in the driver’s seat.
“Two weeks,” she said and shut the door.
*
Denial comforted Jillian on the days that AJ slept eighteen to twenty hours. She convinced herself the body heals while sleeping and AJ’s had a lot of healing to do.
“I’m tired.” He yawned as she made him breakfast at eleven thirty.
“You just woke up twenty minutes ago.” She slid him a plate with toast and butter. That was her specialty as long as the settings didn’t get bumped on the toaster.
AJ looked down at the table and slowly moved his hands toward the plate.
“Can you see it?”
He blinked several times. “Yes, I can fucking see it!” AJ clenched his fists at the sides of his head.
Jillian took a step back. Her heart pounded against her chest. The rage hadn’t reared its face for quite some time. The personality changes seemed to be non-existent since the radiation.
“AJ—”
“SHUT. UP!” He hammered his fist into the plate, cracking it into several large pieces.
Jillian flinched. His behavior frightened her the most because she knew no matter what he did, she wouldn’t fight back.
He slammed his fist down again sending toast and pieces of plate flying.
“WHY…” BANG “…CAN’T…” BANG “…YOU…” BANG BANG BANG “…LEAVE ME THE FUCK…” BANG “…ALONE?”
The next bang came from the front door slamming against the wall like it had been knocked off its hinges.
Silent tears rolled down her face as Jackson stormed around the corner.
“Go home, Jill,” he said, narrowing his eyes at AJ who stared at his bloodied fist covered in toast and embedded with bits of ceramic from the shattered plate.
The vacant look in AJ’s eyes would haunt her, maybe forever.
“I’m not—”
“Jillian, I swear … I will physically remove you from this house if you don’t leave right now.”
The need to wrap her arms around him and promise that everything would be okay remained locked inside the walls of fear. Fear that it wouldn’t ever. Be. Okay. Again. Instead, she walked away.
*
That stranger had taken a vacation. AJ had hoped for good. But there he sat at the table, sweaty and bloodied with rage. His head jackhammered with pain as waves of nausea grew with intensity. He scooted his chair out, but before he could stand, his body buckled over his legs. He vomited the pills and water Jillian gave him when he woke up. The next round consisted of bile until all that remained were dry heaves, aching stomach muscles, and a burning throat.
A hand rested on his shoulder as his eyes watered with more pain. “What can I do for you, Sarge?”
AJ had an answer to that question, but he couldn’t speak.
“Water?”
AJ nodded as Jackson handed him a towel.
The man who, by all rights, hated him, cleaned up his vomit and helped him to the bathroom.
“Do you want me to have Jillian come back over to help you shower?”
AJ shook his head.
“Okay. I’ll be out here.”
AJ nodded as Jackson shut the door. By the time he undressed and stepped into the hot shower, he could barely stand. Choosing to find the floor of the shower before it found him, he slid down the tile wall. Resting his head on his bent knees, he let the water wash away everything. He chased away the loneliness by feeling Jillian’s hands on his head like a ghost. There would never be the right words to describe that touch. It brought him back from the deepest depths of pain and darkness. Would she ever know that? Would she ever know she loved him at his very worst? There was so much to say, but not enough time; there was never enough time.
By the time he toweled off and dressed, he needed another shower. Busting up his breakfast and blowing up at Jillian for absolutely no reason, expended his allotment of energy for the day.
“Do you need anything?” Jackson asked as AJ lumbered to his bed, collapsing into a partial sitting position at the head of it.
“Wwaor …” AJ closed his eyes. Anger. Humiliation. Rock bottom.
“I’ll get it.”
Jackson returned with more water.
AJ wrapped both hands around the glass. He didn’t trust his body. It seemed to be failing him.
“It’s affecting your speech?”
AJ nodded.
“Did it just start?”
AJ nodded. “Y-es.” He felt like a child trying to say his first word. And if life weren’t already cruel enough, tears pricked his eyes because even his emotions were out of his control.
Jackson narrowed his eyes a bit. “Are you done?”
AJ stared at the glass of water still half-full.
“I’m not talking about the water.”
He looked up. Jackson didn’t blink or say another word. He didn’t have to.
AJ nodded.
Chapter Thirty-Six
The droning whistle of the furnace ceased on the chilly November evening, leaving Jillian in silence. By the time Jackson texted her the all clear to go back to AJ’s, he was already asleep again. She thanked her brother for cleaning up after AJ and staying with him while he showered. Then she thanked him for his patience, in spite of AJ’s earlier outburst. Jackson kissed her on the head and left without saying much of anything. Perhaps there was nothing to say.
AJ needed her.
She would help him get better.
Luke belonged to Jessica.
He was her past and she died.
Everyone needed a mantra and that became hers. The bed creaked as she crawled in next to AJ and took his hand in hers. The need to feel the warmth of his body, the beat of his heart, the whisper of his breath … it felt as vital as the air in her lungs, the blood in her veins. Seeing Luke, or what felt like a ghost of a life that no longer existed, only intensified her need to be in the arms of the man who gave her a second chance. AJ accepted the woman and the monster without explanation. Who does that?
“I love you, Aric James. You’ll never know how much I needed you to come into my life when you did. You’ve given my existence a life again. This feeling in my chest feels like …” she placed her other hand over her chest “…like a fucking heartbeat. I don’t even know how that’s possible, but it’s there…” she rolled to the side and pressed her lips to his shoulder. “…and I need it.”
He didn’t move. Not a twitch. Nothing more than a slow breath and weak heartbeat. The lump in
Jillian’s throat thickened.
“I need you,” she whispered as the first tear fell. “Until you asked me to come to Portland, I’d gone to all of Cage’s games. I didn’t tell you before now because I knew how much pain you’d feel just from the mention of his name. He’s so damn talented and strong, but he needs his father. You need to be there to cheer him on, not just on the field but in life. Children need their parents … even when they die, that need doesn’t ever go away.”
She closed her eyes and prayed. For years she questioned God’s existence, most people in hell probably did. But maybe God saw how she’d loved another selflessly and would grant her one wish … one answered prayer.
“Let me keep him … even if I burn in hell later, just for now … let me keep him.”
*
God had decided to at least give her request some thought, because Jillian awoke from the floor to the sound of AJ coughing. It wasn’t a miracle healing, but ten hours after her request, he was still breathing. Or at least trying to breathe.
“Here.” She knelt beside the bed holding a glass of water as he struggled to sit up a little bit.
He took a small sip and tried to clear his throat. “Tha-th-tha—” Closing his eyes, he shook his head and clenched his teeth.
“You’re welcome.” Jillian kissed his lips, resting her hands on his face. “I know this is hard for you right now, but it’s going to get better.” She nodded her head, waiting for him to open his eyes.
When he did, he shook his head. “N-no.”
She resented the pleading look in his eyes. He covered her hands with his, pulling them to his chest as he tried to squeeze them.
“Mm-my r-re-real.”
Pulling away, she stood and walked to the other side of the room, keeping her back to him. “Stop saying that. I don’t want to be your fucking real. I want to be your goddamn future! Do you kn—” Her voice cracked from the pain her chest “Do you know what I’ve endured to get to this point in my life?” She shook her head, brushing her fingers over her cheeks. “I died to be with you, and I know you don’t understand that, but it’s true. I gave up my last fucking breath to be here.”
Jillian turned. And that new heart? It broke.
AJ looked at her through red eyes … tears trailing down his face.
“Let me take you back to Portland. Please. I’ll stay with you. I’ll go to every appointment and hold your hand … or prance around the room naked, or read you the boring newspaper. Just … let me take you back and let me fight this with you.”
AJ looked down at the floor for a few seconds that felt like an eternity as she waited for his answer. When he looked up … he nodded.
*
Jillian packed AJ’s bags while she waited for Jackson to get back from running a few errands. She hoped one of them was to Ryn’s. It would be an awkward Thanksgiving dinner if they didn’t at least call a couple hours truce. AJ had slept most of the day, but she hoped he would be awake for Thanksgiving dinner, even if he didn’t eat anything.
“Jill?”
“In here,” she called out the door of AJ’s bedroom.
Not even a freight train could wake him when he was in his deep sleep.
Jackson stood in the doorway as she zipped up AJ’s travel bag on the floor.
“Hey, did you get your errands ran?”
Jackson nodded.
“Please tell me you saw Ryn and made up.”
“I messaged her.”
“About dinner?”
He nodded.
“And everything is good?”
Another nod.
“Are we still eating here? I don’t want to try to move AJ.”
“Yes.”
“What time?”
Jackson stared at her then looked at his watch. “Three hours.”
“Perfect. I can do a load of my laundry, shower, and pack. Text me when she gets here with the food?”
A nod.
Jillian kissed a sleeping AJ on the forehead. “Love you,” she whispered. “Don’t look so grumpy.” She pinched Jackson’s cheeks as she squeezed by him. “It’s Thanksgiving. I’m not cooking the meal. And AJ agreed to fight. It’s a good day.”
“A good day,” Jackson repeated like he was testing out the words.
Jillian rolled her eyes. “I’ll be back.”
“Wear something nice.”
She turned at the front door. “Really? You’re in jeans.”
“Ryn’s dressing up. She doesn’t want to be the only one.”
Jillian shrugged. “Okay then.”
She threw in a load of laundry to wash, then soaked in the tub, taking the time to shave all her neglected parts. After doing her hair and packing for their trip, she shrugged off her robe and slipped on a red shift dress and black heels. Just as she glided on her favorite red lip stick, her phone vibrated.
Jackson: Dinner.
Jillian: Be right there.
Jackson: I love you, Jillian.
His holiday sentimentality made her smile.
Jillian: U2
She slipped on a wrap and stepped out into the cool breeze. Ryn’s car wasn’t in AJ’s driveway. Jackson must have let her park in the garage to haul in all the food. Soft music played in the background as she stepped inside. All the lights were off except for a soft glow that flickered from the dining room.
“Hello?”
No one answered.
She stopped at the entry to the room illuminated with candles everywhere. A table was set for two with the elegance of a five-star restaurant, a massive bouquet of roses in a large glass vase divided the two place settings at opposite ends. Jillian smiled.
Cloth napkins.
As she moved around the table to the setting behind the roses, her smile faded. The white napkin folded and held by a silver napkin ring had black ink—writing on it. She slowly eased into the chair, letting her wrap fall to the floor as she slid the napkin from the ring.
Jillian,
You look beautiful tonight—simply stunning as always. Please accept my sincerest apologies for missing our first official date. I had a chance to go and I took it.
“No …” she sucked in a shaky breath as tears filled her eyes. “What have you done?” she whispered.
I don’t know what’s on the other side or even which direction I’m going, but I hope by the time you’re reading this I’m sitting across from you, even if you can’t see me.
She looked up at the empty chair across from her. “Aric James …” she breathed his name as her tears stained the table cloth.
Some things in life you just know. I knew the day I laid eyes on you that the course of my life would change forever. I knew the first day you helped me through that migraine in the shower, that no one had ever touched me so deeply … so completely. I knew the night you broke my nose that I hated you. It was also at the exact moment that I knew I loved you. Don’t roll your eyes—it’s the God’s honest truth.
She sobbed and laughed a little through her tears.
And I knew the day I was diagnosed with cancer that I was going to die. What I didn’t know was how desperately I would want to live. As we both saw, my body wouldn’t cooperate with my mind. You deserve a life … a real life. Not the pathetic excuse for existence that I had become.
The napkin shook in her trembling hands.
Time couldn’t mend my body … but you mended my soul. I’ll leave knowing that I was the luckiest bastard alive because I was loved by you. And you, my beautiful girl … you were loved by me.
~ Aric James Monaghan
Also by Jewel E. Ann
Holding You Series
HOLDING YOU
RELEASING ME
Jack & Jill Series
END OF DAY
Standalone Novels
IDLE BLOOM
ONLY TRICK
UNDENIABLY YOU
Look for the third and final book in the Jack & Jill Series, Dawn of Forever, coming February 2016.
jeweleann.co
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About the Author
Jewel is a free-spirited romance junkie with a quirky sense of humor.
With 10 years of flossing lectures under her belt, she took early retirement from her dental hygiene career to stay home with her three awesome boys and manage the family business.
After her best friend of nearly 30 years suggested a few books from the Contemporary Romance genre, Jewel was hooked. Devouring two and three books a week but still craving more, she decided to practice sustainable reading, AKA writing.
When she’s not donning her cape and saving the planet one tree at a time, she enjoys yoga with friends, good food with family, rock climbing with her kids, watching How I Met Your Mother reruns, and of course…heart-wrenching, tear-jerking, panty-scorching novels.
