Earthling Ambassador

by Liane Moriarty

  "Next we have the lovely Mrs. Molly Smith."

  A plump, freckled lady with red curly hair waved cheerily up at Nicola. "Hello, Nicola! I included the question about freckles, because I've always found you just can't trust a person who doesn't have at least three freckles."

  Nicola smiled politely and thought, You're all as mad as hatters!

  A woman in a gauzy robe with hundreds of clinking silver bracelets sliding up and down her arms stepped forward.

  "This is Ileria," said Georgio. "She's a highly respected astrologer who told us the Earthling Ambassador's birthday would be in March, April, December, or June."

  "May the stars align in your favor, Nicola!" Ileria bowed deeply.

  "And next we have law enforcement professional, Sergeant Tom Atkins," said Georgio. "He very sensibly recommended we check for skills indicating courage, such as backward Rollerblading."

  A square-chested man in what looked like a police uniform gave Nicola a sharp salute. "Greetings, young Earthling."

  Nicola straightened her back. Could he tell just by looking at her that she wasn't really a courageous person at all?

  "Next is Pamela George, one of this planet's most reputable color experts."

  A woman wearing a large purple hat, long purple gloves, and a flouncy purple dress said, "Hello, dear. I made sure we checked you had something purple in your wardrobe because research shows people who like purple are passionate, talented, and capable of achieving great things."

  Nicola winced. She didn't even like purple! The only reason her bathing suit was purple was because she'd been in a rush to buy a new one for the swimming carnival and that was the only one left in her size.

  Georgio said, "Here we have our Committee psychic, Ella Bell, who predicted that something of great importance would happen on an Earth beach beginning with the letter B.That's why we thought it might be a clever idea to ask if your favorite beach began with the letter B!"

  An extremely ordinary-looking woman in a skirt and blouse said, "Hello, Nicola. Congratulations."

  She certainly didn't look like someone with special psychic abilities.

  "And last but not least is pet shop manager Mr. Puck." Georgio indicated a man with a colorful parrot on his shoulder. "Mr. Puck suggested we look for someone who owned a pet fish because fish owners tend to be extremely responsible."

  This was getting worse and worse. Nicola's pet fish before Goldie had died because she'd overfed it!

  "It's an honor, Nicola," said Mr. Puck.

  "It's a horror, Nicola!" squawked the parrot.

  The parrot is right, thought Nicola despairingly.

  "My wife and daughter are also on the Committee," said Georgio. "But my daughter had her soccer play-off tonight, so you'll be meeting them at my place for dinner."

  "Don't forget your own question, Georgio!" called out the freckly woman, Molly. "That was the best one!"

  "Ahem!" said Georgio, "Yes, well, moving right along."

  "Don't be shy, Georgio," said the sergeant. "Your question was the one about whether the Earthling had ever convinced someone to change their mind when their mind was already made up."

  Nicola looked up quickly at Georgio.That was the question he'd said was an error and now they were saying it was the most important one of all! Georgio gave her a barely perceptible shake of his head. He obviously didn't want her to mention it.What was going on?

  "Let's not waste any more time with all that," said Georgio. "The Committee is dying to hear from you, Nicola.We have a ladder here, since you are somewhat . . . vertically challenged."

  He indicated a small ladder leaning against the podium and looked at her expectantly. Nicola felt an overwhelming urge to turn around and run as fast as she could, but that would be embarrassing for Earth, and besides, they could easily catch her.

  She lifted her skirt and carefully climbed the ladder. It wouldn't be a good look if the Earthling Ambassador fell flat on her face.

  She tapped the microphone and cleared her throat. What could she say? She looked down at the eager, kind expressions on the faces below.These people might be a little loopy, but they'd all been working so hard to help save Earth.They deserved a nice speech.

  She opened her arms wide like she'd seen politicians do on TV.

  "Speaking on behalf of my planet," she began, "I would like to express our, ummm, most sincere and humble gratitude for all the fine work of the Save the Little Earthlings Committee. I am . . . overwhelmed."

  That sounded pretty good, thought Nicola, feeling quite proud of the "overwhelmed" part. She could see the lady who liked purple actually wiping a tear from her eye with a purple-painted fingernail.

  "So, ah, erm, thank you."

  Not quite so good.

  "I am ummm, honored to be chosen by you as the Earthling Ambassador and tomorrow morning I will do my . . . utmost to convince Princess Petronella not to go ahead with this, this most . . . preposterous and petrifying plan!"

  The Save the Little Earthlings Committee erupted into rapturous applause. Oh dear, thought Nicola as she inclined her head graciously. If only she actually felt as confident as she sounded.

  CHAPTER 10

  "Don't stare!"

  "But Mom, look at her! Why is she so short? What's wrong with her?"

  "Shhhh!"

  Nicola was walking with Georgio from the community hall to his house and she knew that people, especially children, were staring at her as they walked by, but it didn't matter because she was staring goggle-eyed up at the people herself. It had been strange enough seeing just one person of Georgio's height back on Earth. Here, everywhere she looked she could see giant-size people casually going about their business.There was a distracted-looking mother, as tall as a lamppost, hurrying down the street with a baby on her hip.Two men, as tall as small trees, had stopped to laugh heartily over something. A hunched-up old lady as tall as Nicola's wardrobe sat on a bench enjoying the sunset.

  Actually, there wasn't just one sunset.There were two. Twin cherry-colored suns shone cherry-colored rays as they simultaneously sank on the horizon, giving everything a rosy glow.The houses were lofty dazzling buildings of gold, silver, or copper.Their front gardens were crammed with giant tropical flowers with heavy, fragrant scents.

  "We live just around the corner," explained Georgio. "Obviously, there's no need to use the spaceship for such a short journey and I thought you might enjoy seeing our local neighborhood.What do you think?"

  "It's very--" Nicola searched for the right word. "Impressive."

  Globagaskar was so big, so colorful, and so confident. It made Nicola feel about as significant as a mosquito.

  "Here we are." Georgio stopped in front of a silver house, slightly smaller than the ones on either side, with a profusion of pale pink roses as big as cauliflowers lining the footpath.

  "Gorgioskio family!" shouted Georgio as he bounded up to the front door and swiped a card across a screen. "Your lord and master has returned!" He winked at Nicola. "My little joke. I'm not really their lord and master."

  "Ha ha," said Nicola politely. It seemed that dads all across the galaxy made similar terrible jokes.

  The door sprang open and Nicola followed Georgio into a circular room with brightly colored murals painted on the walls and a strangely springy floor that seemed to make her do a cheerful little bounce with each step.

  "It's an Easy-Walk floor," explained Georgio. "It puts a spring in your step. Or so the advertisements say."

  One whole wall of the room was taken up by a giant movie screen. Lying on the floor in front of it was a boy sucking his thumb.

  "That's my son, Squid," said Georgio proudly. "Come and say hello to the Earthling Ambassador, Squid!"

  The boy bounced to his feet and ran to his father. He was probably only about two or three years old, but he was exactly the same height as Nicola.

  "Earthling!" Squid pointed at Nicola. "I want an Earthling!"

  "Earthlings are not toys, Squid," said Georgio firmly
.

  "Well, hello! I've been wondering when you'd get home!"

  A woman walked into the room. She was just a little shorter than Georgio, with apple-red cheeks and short, curly blond hair. She could have been any one of the moms from Nicola's school, except that she was as tall as a stilt-walker.

  "Nicola, I'd like you to meet my wife, Mully," said Georgio. "Mully, this is Nicola Berry, the Earthling Ambassador. I've had a terrible time tracking her down but she's definitely the one for the job!"

  "Lovely!" Mully squatted down to shake Nicola's hand. "Congratulations! You must be starved."

  "Well, I'm starved, if anyone is interested! Hey, Dad, guess what, we won the play-off!"

  A girl wearing a sports uniform walked into the room. Her thick black hair was tied back in a ponytail and she had sparkling blue eyes just like Georgio. She was about the same height as Nicola's dad, but Nicola guessed she was probably about her own age.

  "This is my daughter, Shimlara," said Georgio.

  "Hi!" Shimlara gave Nicola a big smile. "Wow! You sure are short!"

  "Shimlara!" said her mother crossly. "Manners! You know perfectly well that Nicola is an Earthling!"

  "I'm sorry," said Shimlara to Nicola. "Sometimes I just say the first thing that comes into my head. It's always getting me into trouble. I didn't mean you were short in a bad way. I just meant you were, ummm, short."

  "It's okay," said Nicola. "Actually, I'm the shortest one in my class. I always have to sit right in the front row for school photos."

  "Me too!" said Shimlara. "So I guess you don't like zucchini, hey? That was my question. I told Dad that anybody who liked zucchini could not possibly be the Earthling Ambassador. Mom's question was whether you were good at writing stories, which I didn't think was at all relevant."

  Mully said, "I felt the Earthling Ambassador needed to be someone with a good imagination.You've got quite a challenging task ahead of you, Nicola!"

  "Dad's question was pretty good," said Shimlara. "The one about whether you'd ever convinced somebody to change their mind if it was already made up! So you must be pretty good at making people change their minds, hey?"

  "Well, actually--" began Nicola uncertainly.

  "Actually, I sort of changed that question at the last minute," said Georgio. "Just slightly. So when's dinner?"

  "You changed the last question?" Mully looked shocked.

  "Well, my instincts were telling me that Nicola was the right person for the job, and the last thing you said before I left Globagaskar was to follow my instincts," said Georgio. "So I happened to notice something red in Nicola's hair and I thought to myself, Now that's a good question: Are you wearing something red in your hair? and by golly she was! Ha ha!"

  Nobody laughed.

  "You told Dad to follow his instincts?" said Shimlara to her mother. "What about when the king and queen first went away and Dad said he had a 'good feeling' about Princess Petronella?"

  "Well, I hadn't actually met the princess," said Georgio defensively. "I thought she looked like a nice girl on television.That was obviously before we heard the news about Earth."

  "And whenever we watch a movie you always get the good guys mixed up with the bad guys.Your instincts are terrible!"

  "That's enough, Shimlara!" said Mully sharply. "You're being very rude to your father, and even more so to Nicola."

  Shimlara looked apologetically at Nicola. "Sorry! I didn't mean you weren't the right Earthling for the job. I bet you'll be great! I just meant Dad doesn't have very good instincts--umm, but I'm sure you're the exception! Oh boy, I keep making things worse."

  "That's okay." Nicola felt very panicky.This was terrible. She didn't trust Georgio's instincts, either. There was probably some persuasive, brave, clever child in a school in Mongolia who would make the perfect Earthling Ambassador.

  She started to pull the sash off over her head. "I don't think I'm the right Earthling, either. Is there time to go back and find somebody else to meet the princess?"

  "Nicola." Mully bent right down and placed a gentle hand on Nicola's shoulder. "As soon as you walked in the door, I knew you would make a wonderful Earthling Ambassador. Georgio has picked exactly the right person. I have complete confidence in you."

  There was something both soothing and compelling about Mully's voice. If Mully thought she could do it, then maybe she could.

  Maybe.

  "You really think I can do it?" asked Nicola.

  "Really," said Mully.

  "I think so, too," said Shimlara.

  "Well, that's that then!" Georgio clapped his hands together. "Have I ever been wrong? Don't answer that, Shimlara. Now, is anybody else as hungry as me?"

  "ME!" Squid came running.

  Georgio scooped him up. "I hope you're going to be good in front of our guest."

  "Nope," said Squid, and Nicola laughed. She pulled the same funny face at Squid that she did for her three-year-old cousin, Sam. Squid started laughing hysterically. It didn't seem to matter what part of the galaxy you were in; if you bulged your eyes, puffed out your cheeks, and wobbled your head, little kids would laugh at you.

  The dinner table turned out to be a simple metallic oval, without any plates or silverware. In the middle of the table was a strange sort of gold hutch, with a large red button.

  "Right, Nicola," said Georgio. "Have you ever used a Telepathy Chef before?"

  "Dad!" said Shimlara. "Don't be so embarrassing. Of course she has!"

  "Um, sorry," said Nicola. "But I don't think I have."

  Shimlara slapped the side of her head. "Oops."

  "They still cook food on Earth," explained Georgio.

  "What's 'cooking'?" asked Shimlara.

  "Well, if you paid attention in your Galactic History classes, you'd know!" said Georgio.

  "Probably something boring," muttered Shimlara.

  "Using the Telepathy Chef is very easy," Mully said to Nicola. "You just use mental telepathy to order what you'd like for dinner. For example, I love mandarins, mussels, and macadamia nuts. So I just concentrate on those foods. See?"

  Nicola watched carefully as Mully closed her eyes and licked her lips. After a couple of seconds, she opened her eyes and pressed the red button on the gold hutch. A tray slid out from the hutch with a plate containing a rather strange but elegant-looking concoction of steaming mussels and juicy orange pieces topped with a scattering of macadamia nuts.

  "Now you try," said Mully. "Just close your eyes and think very hard about whatever you'd most like to eat."

  "I'm not very good at mental telepathy," said Nicola hesitantly. "I tried today with my teacher and it didn't work at all."

  "Oh, don't worry, it never works with teachers!" said Shimlara. "Give it a try! It's easy!"

  "Think of something extra nice," advised Mully. "You'll need your strength for seeing Princess Petronella tomorrow."

  "Well, okay," said Nicola. She closed her eyes tight and tried to think as hard as she could about her favorite dinner, which was All Day Lasagna. It was called All Day Lasagna because Dad always said it was a good thing everyone liked it so much because it took him ALL DAY to cook it.Whenever he made it, everyone had to clap and shout things like, Yay! Go, Super Dad! as he served up each plate.Then he did a big bow from the waist. He made quite a fuss about it.

  Nicola imagined All Day Lasagna as hard as she could: the bubbling lid of cheese, the paper-thin layers of pastry, and the tasty tomato-y sauce.The problem was that other thoughts kept coming into her mind. She thought about how she was in charge of saving the planet and wished she wasn't. She thought about how much fun cloud-swimming had been that day. She thought about the expression on Mrs. Zucchini's face when Georgio first came into the classroom.

  She heard Mully cough and say politely, "Okay, Nicola, I'm sure it's got the message now.You can press the red button."

  Nicola opened her eyes and nervously pressed the red button.

  A tray slid out.

  "Oh yuck!" cried Shimlara
.

  "My goodness," said Georgio. "Is that really what you'd like for dinner?'

  Nicola looked with horror at the tray.There was an enormous plate of mashed-up bright green zucchini mixed with something that looked at first like ice cream, but which Nicola recognized as cloud. Next to it was a large tall glass of black goopy liquid. A label on the glass read: 100 PERCENT PURE WORRY.The only sign of anything remotely resembling lasagna was a single tomato sitting sadly on a saucer.

  "The Earthling has to eat her dinner!" crowed Squid, banging his spoon on the table. "Eat it, Earthling! Eat it!"

  "Quiet now, Squid," said Mully. "Don't worry, Nicola. The Telepathy Chef has been messing up recently. I think it's time we got a new one. Shimlara, why don't you order your own favorite dinner for Nicola and give her a taste of Globagaskarian food?"

  "Okay," said Shimlara cheerfully. She opened and shut her eyes so fast it practically counted as a blink and then banged her fist on the red button.

  "No need to show off, Shimlara," scolded Georgio.

  Nicola's gasped when she saw the plate.

  It was her dad's All Day Lasagna. Actually it was an even better version because, to be honest, her dad's All Day Lasagna was always just a little burned on top.This was because her dad always treated himself to a "little rest" after he'd been cooking all day and would go off and read one of his big fat library books until he would lift his head, twitch his nostrils, and go running wildly through the house, yelling "FRIZZLE!" But this lasagna was perfectly cooked and next to it was a thick chocolate shake, which Nicola was never allowed to have with lasagna, because her mom said the thought of the two things combined made her sick, a fact Nicola didn't consider to be all that relevant.

  "But this is my favorite dinner, too!" she said to Shimlara.

  "What a coincidence!" said Shimlara.

  "Oh, Shimlara-Anne," said Mully in a disappointed tone.

  Nicola saw that Georgio and Mully were both looking at Shimlara with exactly the same expression on their faces that her own parents got when she was trying to explain why she hadn't got around to unloading the dishwasher, or why it really hadn't been her fault when she threw her basketball in the hallway and shattered Mom's favorite vase.

  "You know better than that," said Georgio. "Reading people's minds without their permission is the height of rudeness!"