Earthling Ambassador

by Liane Moriarty

  Gosh. She wore her diamond tiara even when she was sleeping.

  There was a sudden loud rumbling noise and Nicola jumped back in fright.

  "She snores just like Dad!" mouthed Shimlara, trying to suppress an attack of the giggles.

  Sean was all businesslike. He strapped himself into his harness and tied the end of the rope firmly around a nearby emerald turret. He pushed his night-vision goggles over his eyes and whispered, "Ready."

  Nicola silently handed him the invitation. Sean took it and held it between his teeth. Great, thought Nicola. Now it will be all soggy and tooth-marked!

  Using both elbows for support, Sean lowered himself into the vent, while Nicola and Shimlara let out the safety rope.When he was far down enough, he flipped himself onto his stomach with his arms and legs spread out, so he was hanging above the princess's bed.

  "Slowly!" whispered Nicola to Shimlara as they lowered him down. She didn't want Sean crashing onto the princess's floor.

  Bit by bit they released the rope while Sean twirled in slow circles and the princess continued her rumbling snore.

  Finally Sean was close enough to take the invitation from his mouth and place it on the bedside table.

  "He's done it!" whispered Shimlara excitedly.

  They began to haul on the rope to lift him back up, and Sean's elbow knocked against the side of the princess's chest of drawers.

  The princess woke with a start. She sat straight up in bed. "Who are you?" She rubbed her eyes. "And just WHAT are you doing in my bedroom?"

  CHAPTER 22

  Nicola and Shimlara froze.Their eyes locked in mutual terror. Nicola's heart did a triple somersault. Shimlara's face was as pale as vanilla ice cream.

  Somewhere in the distance, a cat meowed.

  They heard Sean speaking in the room beneath them, his voice shaky and polite. "Okay, just relax, ah, Princess, and go back to sleep.You're dreaming.This is all just a weird, far-out dream."

  "I am NOT dreaming! I'm wide awake!" Princess Petronella threw back the covers of her bed to reveal an all-in-one yellow pajama suit. "I demand to know what you're doing here.Are you trying to rob me, you horrible boy? I'll have you beheaded!"

  "Ah, Nic ... boss?" said Sean without looking up. "What would you like me to do here?"

  The princess peered around suspiciously and then tilted her head toward the vent and caught sight of Nicola. "I know you! You're that whiny Earthling!"

  "Oh dear," said Nicola. Another cat meowed somewhere. Was the palace overrun with cats?

  "Look, calm down, we're just trying to invite you to a party," said Sean.

  "I don't believe you. Nobody likes me. I never get invited to parties. Are you trying to kidnap me? Is that it?" demanded the princess.

  Now there seemed to be a whole chorus of louder and louder meows.

  "It's not real cats--it's the signal!" said Shimlara. "The guards must have seen us!"

  "I don't like boys." The princess shook her finger fiercely at Sean, who was still spinning over her bed. "You know what? I think I might have you tortured for a few weeks before I have your head sliced off!"

  Sean's legs and arms spun wildly in different directions. "Nicola! Get me out of here!"

  Glancing up, Nicola saw Tyler, Greta, and Katie all running toward them, shouting, "MEOW! ONE OF THE GUARDS ON THE GROUND SAW US! MEOW, MEOW!"

  A bright yellow spotlight swept back and forth across the palace roof. Nicola made her decision.

  "Grab her!" she called to Sean. "We're kidnapping her NOW!"

  Sean didn't hesitate. He kicked his legs off the side of the princess's bedroom wall, swung hard toward her, and threw his arms around her waist. "GOT HER!"

  The princess easily tore herself away from him. "You have NOT got me!"

  "He's too short," said Shimlara desperately. "He'll never do it."

  Sean made another grab for the princess, and this time the point in her tiara snagged itself in Sean's black sweater as she tried to wriggle away.

  "OWWWW!" She twisted her head from side to side, but the tiara only got more tangled. Sean threw his arms and legs around the princess's back like a koala clinging to a tree.

  "Okay, I've SORT of got her!" he yelled.

  Nicola and Shimlara pulled on the rope, nearly falling over backward with the combined weight of the princess and Sean. Tyler, Greta, and Katie ran up and snatched the rope to help them pull.

  The princess kicked and screamed like a wild animal and sunk her teeth into Sean's hand. "Augggh! Faster, faster!" screamed Sean.

  "I don't remember this being part of the plan, Nicola!" shouted Greta.

  "Oh, would you please SHUT UP, Greta!" Katie shouted back.Then she immediately felt guilty and said, "Please?"

  The Space Brigade gave a final wrench on the ropes, and Sean and the princess tumbled out of the vent and onto the palace roof like two grappling football players. The princess's tiara was jerked free of Sean's sweater, leaving a gaping hole.

  "GUARDS!" hollered the princess, scrambling to her feet and straightening her tiara. "I am being KIDNAPPED by disgusting, squidgy little Earthlings and one dreadful commoner!"

  "Quickly! We need to tie her up and carry her to the helicopter!" ordered Nicola.

  "GUARDS, you incompetent nincompoops! I order you to come and save me RIGHT NOW!"

  Everybody tried their best to tie up the princess, running around her in circles as she swatted at them like flies and jumped up and down on the spot.

  "Keep still!" cried Shimlara in frustration.

  "Why should I keep still? You're trying to KIDNAP me!"

  "Hypnotize her, Katie!" said Sean.

  Looking terrified, Katie pulled off her necklace and began swinging it slowly back and forth. "Ummm . . . watch the necklace, please. Okay, now you're beginning to feel very sleepy."

  The princess grimaced down at her. "I am NOT feeling sleepy, you tiny twerp! I am very awake and very ANGRY! Gshe-ghd-ash!"

  Greta had pulled a roll of masking tape from her backpack, ripped off a piece, jumped up on top of an emerald tower, and stuck the tape firmly over the princess's mouth.

  "Good one, Greta," said Sean.

  The princess's eyes bulged.

  "Got her hands!" said Tyler. He'd managed to tie the princess's hands together behind her back.

  "Okay, let's get her to the helicopter," said Nicola. They surrounded the princess and began pushing, shoving, and pulling her toward the helicopter. It was hard work because she was so much taller than all of them, apart from Shimlara.The princess didn't help matters by deciding on a new strategy of becoming limp and heavy like a bag of potatoes.

  "We need to get her to move faster," said Sean. "Look."

  They looked up to see dozens of helicopters circling above them.

  "Lay down your weapons!" boomed a fierce voice.

  "Ha ha! We can't--we don't have any!" Shimlara yelled back.

  "No need to mention that," said Tyler.

  Sean sighed. "I knew we should have brought weaponry."

  They redoubled their efforts, frantically pushing the princess toward the helicopter.

  "I wonder if she's ticklish," said Tyler.

  Nicola looked up at the princess and caught a tiny spark of fear in her eyes.

  "TICKLE HER!" she shouted.

  Everybody obeyed and the princess tried desperately to escape from all the tickling fingers. She ducked and weaved as if she were trying to win a dance competition.

  "Tickle HARDER!" shouted Nicola. "Go get the helicopter started, Shimlara!"

  Shimlara ran off, while Nicola, Tyler, Sean, Katie, and Greta vigorously tickled the princess. In her panic to evade their tickling, the princess actually ran straight to Shimlara's helicopter and threw herself in the door.The rest of them tumbled in behind her and Nicola shouted, "GO, GO, GO!" just as the first guard ran across the palace roof and grabbed hold of Greta's foot.

  CHAPTER 23

  The helicopter took off straight and smooth into the dark sky
. Below them they could see the guard holding Greta's school shoe, shaking his fist ferociously.

  "He's got my shoe!" said Greta as if that were the most important thing to worry about at the moment.The guard tossed the shoe away and Greta yelled, "Excuse me! That shoe is part of the Honeyville Primary School uniform!"

  "Shgished ugggh idddy Ed Ed Ed!" The princess was making strange garbled sounds through her taped-up mouth.

  "What do you think she's saying?" asked Katie.

  "I think she's talking about how she's going to have all our heads cut off," said Sean.

  "Oh great," said Katie.

  Tyler had his face pressed to the back window of the helicopter. "They're chasing us!" he cried as dozens of helicopters with revolving red lights and shrieking sirens filled the sky around them.

  Sean pulled the Camouflage Mode lever again. "Now they can't see us. Ha!"

  "Mmmm," said Shimlara. "Did I mention Camouflage Mode only works for five minutes at a time?"

  "Ho!" mumbled the princess. Her eyes were triumphant above the masking tape.

  The helicopter filled with red light as one of the guard's helicopters flew dangerously close to them.

  "Can you fly faster?" asked Nicola.

  "Well ..." Shimlara scratched her cheek nervously. "We could go to Super-Fast Mode, but the instruction book does warn against trying it until you're a very advanced flyer. I mean, I guess I'm getting pretty good at it--oopsie! Sorry, everybody!"

  "Don't you even think about flying in Super-Fast Mode!" Greta rubbed her elbow crossly. "You'll kill us all!"

  "But the guards will kill us all if we don't get away," Tyler pointed out.

  "Yeah, I'd rather Shimlara killed us," said Sean.

  "Actually, I think Shimlara's flying is improving all the time," said Katie.

  "It's your decision, Nicola," said Shimlara.

  "Ummmm . . ." Nicola's head ached from all this difficult decision-making.

  Tyler looked at his watch. "We've got two minutes of Camouflage Mode left."

  Sean's hand hovered over the lever marked SUPER-FAST.

  "Nic? Should I do it?"

  Nicola looked out the window at one of the helicopters passing by.The guard sitting in the passenger seat was punching a black-gloved fist into the palm of his hand over and over. He looked like he was preparing to punch an Earthling.

  "Yes. Do it," said Nicola.

  "You ready, Shim?" asked Sean.

  "As ready as I'll ever be!"

  Greta said, "This is the stupidest--"

  Sean pulled the lever and the helicopter shot forward so fast that Shimlara's hands were thrown from the controls.

  What have I done? Nicola thought. All she could see through the window was a blurry streak of colors as they hurtled through the sky.

  "It's okay!" Shimlara clutched the controls. "I've got it all under--" And suddenly the helicopter flipped over and everyone was shouting and screaming as they dangled upside down, held on only by their seat belts.

  "DON'T WORRY!" yelled Shimlara, and to Nicola's surprise, she heard Katie laugh crazily.

  With a jolt the helicopter tipped the right way up and they continued to zoom across the skyline.

  "Okay, everybody, JUST HANG ON! We're coming in to land!"

  Nicola gripped the sides of her seat.The helicopter nosedived toward the ground.They were all going to die and it would be Nicola's fault.

  "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, NICOLA!" yelled Greta.

  "ISH MISH GFUG GLIG, GLIG, GLIG!" That was the princess.

  "WHOOOOEEE!" cried Sean.

  "YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB, SHIMLARA!" screamed Katie.

  "SWITCH BACK TO NORMAL SPEED!" cried Tyler.

  CRASH!

  BANG!

  SMASH!

  And then there was silence.

  CHAPTER 24

  Nicola opened her eyes. Her shoulder ached and she thought her knee might be bleeding, but otherwise she was definitely still alive.

  "Is everybody alive?" she demanded.

  "I am," said Sean.

  "So am I," said Tyler.

  "Me too," said Katie.

  "I'm fine," said Shimlara. "Although my arm sort of hurts."

  "No thanks to you, but yes, I'm alive," said Greta.

  "Ishgo mishgo ed!" said the princess.

  "Where have we landed?" asked Nicola.

  "WHAT IN THE GALAXY IS GOING ON HERE?"

  It was Georgio's voice. Nicola could see him marching toward the helicopter. His hair was all mussed up and he was wearing bright green pajamas. Pajamas were so funny on Globagaskar. Georgio looked like a gigantic baby with a mustache.

  "I think we might have landed right on top of Dad's aero-car." Shimlara pressed a button to lift the dome of the helicopter. She was holding her right arm at a strange angle. "Hi, Dad."

  "Don't you 'Hi, Dad' me! It's the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! I was sound asleep enjoying a particularly pleasant dream, when I heard this terrific bang on the driveway.We nearly jumped out of our skins!"

  "I'm sorry, Georgio," said Nicola. "It wasn't meant to work out this way.Things just got out of hand."

  Mully appeared behind Georgio, rubbing her eyes. Her pajamas were bright pink.

  "Is everybody all right?" she asked. "I thought you were all sleeping nice and snug in your sleep-pouches! Nicola, your parents are going to be so angry with me. Shimlara, what have you done to your arm? It looks--OH MY STARS AND MOONS! Georgio, over there, it's--"

  With one hand over her mouth, she nudged Georgio and pointed wordlessly at Princess Petronella sitting between Sean and Greta.

  Georgio was still busy checking out the damage to his aero-car. "I mean, Bounce-a-Guard can only do so much," he muttered as he squatted down and ran a finger across the paintwork. "It wasn't designed to have a helicopter full of wicked children landing smack-bang on top of it!"

  "Georgio!" Mully tugged at the back of Georgio's pajamas and he stood up.

  "What is it?" he said irritably.

  Then he caught sight of Princess Petronella.

  "Your Royal Highness," he said respectfully, bowing deeply. "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize you were along for the ride. Of course, if it was your decision to land smack-bang on my aero-car--"

  "Ah, Georgio," said Mully quietly. "I don't think it was her decision to be here at all."

  Finally Georgio seemed to notice that the princess had her hands tied behind her back and masking tape over her mouth.

  "Ish mgish ed, ed, ed!" The princess's eyes blazed.

  Georgio gulped and looked at Nicola. "You don't mean you've actually kidnapped Princess Petronella?"

  "I tried to tell her it was a stupid idea!" said Greta. "Do you think I should take over as Earthling Ambassador now?"

  "Oh, do be quiet, you dreadful child." Georgio tried to smooth down his messed-up hair.

  "The plan was to take the princess to Earth," explained Nicola. "I wanted her to see how beautiful it was--I thought that might change her mind about turning it into a garbage can."

  Georgio's voice was clear and precise in Nicola's head: This is risky because no doubt the princess is trying to read as many of our minds as she can, so I'll talk fast. Hopefully at least some of her attention is on trying to breathe through the gag, and that will distract her from what I'm about to say, which is that taking her to Earth isn't a bad idea. But I just need to work out the right things to say here. Obviously I can't be seen supporting your kidnapping her. Aloud he said, "But kidnapping her! I'm sure if you had humbly asked the princess, she would have been delighted to accompany you!"

  The princess shook her head vigorously.

  "How were you planning to get to Earth?" asked Mully.

  "We were going to ask Plum to fly us in Dad's spaceship," said Shimlara.

  "Well, the only tiny glitch in your plans is that Plum has borrowed my spaceship to go on a romantic intergalactic date with her boyfriend," said Georgio. "Apparently I had to make up for spoiling her birthday."

  "Eeedghg
hhhhh!" exclaimed the princess.

  "Yes, indeed,Your Highness," said Georgio. "I do understand you're in a hurry to get to Earth so you can make your final decision! We just need to work out your transport."

  "Gshhh issssh ridgy didge!" The princess shook her head about maniacally.

  "Is that tiara superglued to her head?" asked Sean.

  Georgio nodded graciously as if he were at a tea party with the princess. "Yes, of course, it must seem highly unusual. However, let me assure you this is certainly not a kidnapping as it might appear, but simply an overly enthusiastic attempt by these sweet young Earthlings to introduce you to their planet! The tape across your mouth and the ropes are . . . ummm, an ancient Earthling custom symbolizing, erm, RESPECT! They simply indicate the fact that you don't need to say or do a thing! You can just sit back and relax because the whole trip is in their hands! Admittedly their hands are somewhat incompetent at times, but their planet is so charmingly backward that we can hardly hold that against them, now can we? Of course, if after inspecting Earth you still decide to destroy it, I'm sure these dear little Earthlings will be perfectly happy to accept your decision!"

  "Huh?" said Sean. But he shut up when Greta elbowed him hard in the side.

  The princess bounced up and down in frustration. "OGALOG!"

  "Yes, yes, Princess Petronella, I know you're growing impatient," soothed Georgio. "I just can't quite think--"

  Mully spoke up. "I have an idea," she said.

  CHAPTER 25

  "I think we should give Shimlara her Christmas present a bit early this year," said Mully.

  "Oh, no, don't ruin the surprise for her," said Katie.

  "It's okay if it's important for the mission," said Shimlara nobly.

  It turned out that Shimlara's Christmas present was a Mini Easy-Ride spaceship.

  Tyler was flabbergasted. "You were getting a spaceship as a Christmas present. A spaceship!"

  "Your father and I are too big to fit into a mini spaceship," said Mully. "Otherwise we'd fly it back to Earth for you, considering the recent demonstration of your piloting skills. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And you've flown your friends' spaceships a few times, haven't you, darling?"

  "Yes," said Shimlara, but she looked pale and unhappy. "The only thing is--I think I've done something bad to my arm."

  "Oh, Shimlara," said Mully, in exactly the same way Nicola's mom said, "Oh, Nicola," whenever she hurt herself. She gently examined Shimlara's arm, shaking her head. "I think you might have broken it.We'll have to get an instant cast on it right away. Well, you're in no condition to fly--one of the others will have to do it.Which member of the Space Brigade do you recommend, Nicola?"