by Giselle Fox
“Maybe you don’t want to have a partner, maybe you’re a loner,” Rhi said.
“Is that the trade off?”
Rhi shrugged. “It’s easy to fall in love. It takes strength and selflessness to make it last.”
“Maybe I’m too selfish,” I said.
“We all need to be selfish to some degree.”
“I hurt her. I can’t believe I hurt her,” I said.
“Then go say you’re sorry.”
I looked at her and she stared right back at me.
“Maybe it’s better this way,” I mumbled and then covered my face with my hands again.
“Bullshit,” Rhi said. “Whether this girl is right for you or not, Rocky, don’t make decisions based on what happened with your ex. Your spirit belongs to you.”
“She’s way younger than me. She’s enamored with me because of my work. She’s going to get tired of me and move on.”
“That’s your ego talking,” Rhi said as she leaned forward again. “What do you think about her?”
I thought about Candy for a moment with my eyes closed. I couldn’t wrap the feelings I had for her in words. All I saw was color and light. “She’s beautiful,” I whispered.
“Yes, she is,” Rhi said quietly. “Here’s something to think about...”
“What?”
“Maybe you two aren’t right for each other.”
I lifted my head. “That’s not what I was expecting you to say.”
“No? What were you expecting?”
“That we were meant to be together and the fact that all these coincidences have been triggering around us is just the universe’s way of making sure it happens.”
Rhi chuckled. “That does sort of sound like something I would say. But you know, maybe the universe got it wrong this time.” She sat back in her armchair.
I blinked a few times. “How can you of all people say that?”
“Well... there’s a first time for everything, right?”
“You’re playing with me,” I said.
“No, I’m not. Convince me. What makes you two so special that you actually caught the attention of the omnipotent powers enough to sway logic, reality, and fate so they could put you two in the same spot at the same time?”
“The dreams,” I said. “We both had them. I had mine for months before I met her or even knew she existed. When I saw her for the first time, I knew, even though I couldn’t admit it.”
“Knew what?”
“Knew that it was her. It was the color around her face that confused me. It was her pink hair.”
“Okay well, that’s just a coincidence,” Rhi scoffed.
“What about her dream, where she and I were driving down a desert road and then we stopped for gas and it was me she was dreaming about? I had a truck and a dog in that dream. She couldn’t have known that.”
“So she had a crush on her idol and had a nice dream about her. And besides, every second lesbian drives a truck and owns a dog.”
“Okay but... the minute she thought about taking a trip out here, family friends who just happen to live in my building and know me are ready to sublet their place. I mean, it’s bizarre, don’t you think?”
“Well sure, it’s a coincidence but I see the same guy in the alley every time I take out my bottles. Doesn’t mean I’m supposed to dump my wife and run off to Brazil with him.”
“Yeah, but you don’t feel anything for that guy, do you? You just see him. It’s not the same thing.”
“So you’re saying it’s a feeling?” Rhi asked.
“Yeah, it’s a feeling. A gut feeling.”
“Well,” she tossed her hand, “you can’t trust feelings. They’re hormones.”
“Why?” What else do we have but our gut instincts? My gut has practically dictated every choice I’ve ever made. I only know when a piece is right because it feels right.”
“So you’re telling me it feels right to be with this girl?”
“Yes!” I said and sat forward on the edge of my seat. “When I’m with her it’s like our bodies were made for each other. It’s like there’s no separation between our skin and when we touch we’re just…” I had to take a breath because the sensation that washed over me when I thought of her was so electrifying. “There’s something magical about it, Rhi. It goes beyond sex and orgasms and fucking. It’s union. It’s togetherness. It’s what I always wanted being with someone to feel like.”
Rhi sat back in her chair with a satisfied grin on her face. “Then what are you waiting for? Go get her.”
I jumped to my feet. “Thanks, Rhi.”
“Anytime.”
Skip and I ran up the stairs to the seventh floor and down the hall to Candy’s suite. I pounded on the door with the palm of my hand. “Candy,” I said softly. I waited and so did Skip. Both of us poised, staring, waiting for a sound. But I heard nothing. I watched Skip’s ears rotate and pivot and tune into the space behind the door, but he heard nothing either. I knocked again and waited but there was still no answer.
“Shit,” I said. “Shit, shit, shit!”
I racked my brain and then suddenly Skip ran back down the hallway and stood outside the stairwell door. He looked back at me and barked.
“Shhh,” I said trying to hush him since it was late. “I’m coming.”
He led me down the stairs. I expected him to stop back on the fifth floor but he kept going all the way down to the lobby. I had to take the steps two at a time to keep up with him.
“Where are you going?” I called down to him. I realized I didn’t have any socks on inside my boots and they weren’t laced up.
The rain had stopped, but the night was cold and damp. I didn’t even have Skip’s leash.
“Alright, go pee and then we’ll wait back upstairs,” I said. But as soon as I opened the door, Skip kept running.
“Geez, wait up,” I called. He beelined down the sidewalk and then suddenly, I realized where he might be taking me.
“Okay, I get ya. Hang on,” I called after him as I ran to catch up. I could see the flashing lights of a police cruiser a couple of blocks ahead. My stomach sank.
“Skip!” I called after him. He stopped where he was. His eyes were trained on the cruiser ahead. “Stay with me,” I said. We walked fast toward the old building site. A fresh span of chain link fence had been set up around the periphery. As we drew closer, I could see where the gate had been pushed open as far as the length of chain would allow it to go.
The flashing lights on the cruiser made it hard to see who was inside, but somehow I already knew. I pulled my collar tight around my neck.
“Heel,” I said to Skip and he fell in tight against my leg.
As we approached the car, I could see that the driver side window was down. Candy was sitting in the back behind the safety divider.
The officer nodded to me as I approached. “Evening,” he said.
“Evening officer.” I bent down so that I could see inside. Candy’s face smiled back at me for an instant and then her smile faded.
“Are you okay?” I asked. Skip barked and whined when he saw her.
The cop opened his door and stepped out of the car. “I’m going to have to ask you to keep moving.”
“Of course, I apologize. It’s just that I know the woman in the back of your car.”
Skip went up to the policeman and licked his hand.
“Hey,” the cop said. I could tell he was trying not to be friendly but Skip’s attention was a little distracting. “Don’t you have a leash for him?”
“I forgot it back at the apartment,” I said and pointed to my building. “He really had to go.”
“How do you know this woman?” he asked me.
“We’re good friends. She lives in my building,” I said, unsure of how gay-friendly he was.
“Well, she was trespassing on this property. Says she was trying to find a piece of camera equipment she left behind on the weekend.” He didn’t look as if he was buying the story.
&
nbsp; “Yes, she mentioned that,” I said. “I think she was down here taking some pictures before the building got torn down.”
“Well,” the officer said, “we got a call that there was someone spray painting down here.”
“Oh?”
“Have you seen anything tonight?”
“No sir, but I’ve only been out for a few minutes. My dog likes to walk down here and sniff around.”
The cop looked like he wasn’t sure what to do. I looked over to the wall and in the streetlights could see the outlines of new text.
“A lot of folks live in this building at night,” I said. “I see people coming in and out on my way to work in the morning. Maybe that’s all it was.”
The officer nodded. Skip sat at his feet and nuzzled his hand again. The officer smiled down at him and gave him a scratch.
“Is he a border collie?”
“He is,” I said. “Hey, Skip, say hello.” On the rare occasion, Skip would talk on command. I figured it was worth a try.
“Ar-oh,” Skip howled. It was almost perfect.
The officer’s face lit up. “Wow! Can he say anything else.”
“Well, we’ve been working on I love you,” I said as I looked into the back of the cruiser again. Candy smiled back at me.
“Hey, Skip,” the officer said down to him, “Can you say... I love you?”
“Ar-uh-woo,” Skip yowled back.
The cop laughed. “Close enough!” He opened the back door of the car. “Okay, Miss, you’re free to go.”
Candy’s legs swung out from the back of the cruiser. “Thank you, officer. I’m so sorry for the trouble.”
“Just stay off the property. No more sneaking through the fence, okay? It’s not safe in there.”
“Yes sir, I understand,” she said.
“You ladies have a good night. Bye Skip,” he said as he climbed back behind the wheel.
“G’night,” I waved.
We walked a short way down the sidewalk before either of us said anything. Skip pranced happily ahead of us.
“Skip, you’re a good dog,” Candy whispered.
“You’re going to get a pig’s ear,” I said to him when he looked back.
Candy checked over her shoulder. “Oh my gosh, that was so close.”
I wrapped my arm around her waist. “I’m so sorry, I feel like this is all my fault.”
“Shh, it’s not your fault. I managed to get rid of the can and my gloves before he shone his flashlight on me.”
“I guess you don’t fit the profile of a street artist.”
“Not today, I guess.”
I let us back into the building and we headed for the elevator. When the doors opened, we all stepped inside, me on the left in my usual spot, Skip beside me and Candy on my right. I looked down at the keys in my hand. Below were my black boots and the frayed edges of my ripped black jeans. My black coat hung open. But there was no déjà vu. Candy watched me as the doors closed. She pushed the button for her floor and then for mine. I looked around me, at the ads on the walls and the buttons on the panel and at the ascending numbers above the door. I looked at Candy and her pink and platinum hair and black leather jacket, at her rosy cheeks and plump red lips. I crossed the space between us and wrapped my arms around her.
“You found me,” she whispered.
I looked into her beautiful blue-gray eyes. “Yes, I finally found you.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
Candy and Skip laid on the rug in front of the fire.
“I love you,” Candy said to him.
“Ar-uhr-woo,” Skip whined back.
“It totally sounds like he’s saying it,” she giggled. She gave his chin a scratch and kissed his nose. “I love you too, Skip.”
I sat down on the rug beside them and lifted Candy’s hand to my lips. “I’m sorry I freaked out,” I whispered.
She held my hand tightly. “You don’t have to apologize. I get it.”
“Well, thank goodness one of us does,” I said.
Candy sat up and put her arm around me. “Don’t be so hard on yourself for having feelings.”
I looked into her warm eyes. “How is it that you’re so strong?”
Candy looked into the fire. I could see tears well in her eyes but she wiped them away. “I’m not sure I’m that strong. I would love to be able to think about my father without crying, without feeling that deep pain. I would love to remember how amazing he was and feel his love inside my heart. To be able to listen to the recordings I made of him telling stories about my mother and me when I was young so we would know how much he loved us. But I just can’t. It’s still too sad.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks and sighed. “But maybe one day I will be able to. Feeling sad just means that I really loved him.”
I wrapped my arms around her tight and we both stared into the fire.
“When something bad like that happens, it’s easy to forget that it’s okay to feel happy too,” she whispered.
“I feel like an idiot for moaning about what happened to me when you’ve been through so much worse,” I said.
“Hey, we both went through something that shook our foundations. We both have a right to our feelings.”
“Thank you for being so understanding,” I said. “It’s not about Christa, you know. I’m not in love with her still or anything like that.”
“I know that,” she said softly and stared into my eyes.
I took a deep breath. “And it wasn’t all her.”
“No?”
“No. I was miserable after I packed up and left San Francisco. The honeymoon didn’t last. I probably made her feel responsible, that I’d left everything behind for her and she couldn’t live up to it. The people around us, our friends, they weren’t my people, they were hers. I never blended with them. They probably thought I was an arrogant snob.”
“You definitely have an air about you,” she grinned.
“Well, I don’t like head trips and gossip. Christa was always way more social than me since it’s a part of her job. She opens her mouth and everyone seems to love her. Half of it is an act, but no one cares. They’d lavish her with compliments and adoration and then look over at me like I was imagining them naked.”
“I think the worst thing Christa did was rob you of your chance to make peace with your break-up. I bet if she’d sat you down and talked it out instead, you would have come to the same conclusion, that it was over.”
I nodded. “Probably, but sensitivity isn’t her strongest suit.”
“You should tell her what you want to tell her.”
“That might get ugly,” I said.
“I bet it won’t. But if it does…” she shrugged.
“Well, it’s not something that I can even wrap my head around right now,” I said. “I feel like I would just get angry, especially after she instigated the whole thing with Darcy tonight.” I stared back at Candy.
“Do you want to talk about that?” she asked.
I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “What will your friends say about the age gap between us?”
Candy took a deep breath. “I really don’t give a shit what they say. This is my life.” She looked at me seriously. “It bothers you. Tell me why?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Come on, try harder. Why does it bother you?”
“Because you’re more beautiful than me and your whole life is ahead of you. Because you haven’t even had a chance to make mistakes yet.”
Candy shook her head. “Please, I’m not eighteen, Rocky. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. If anyone thinks anything about the age difference, it’ll only be for a few seconds. Their thoughts will be replaced with something else because it’s really not that interesting. If you were a guy in his forties dating a younger woman, would you be having these thoughts right now?”
She had a point. “No, I think I’d be feeling pretty good about myself.”
“So choose to feel good about yourself. A younger woman thinks yo
u’re hot enough to fuck... repeatedly. Yay!”
I rolled onto my knees and sat back on my heels. Candy’s eyebrow arched as she gazed up at me.
“You’re really sexy when you stare at me like that. I know exactly what’s going through your mind as if it was painted on your wall.”
“What’s going through my mind?” I asked.
She studied my face for another moment. Her eyes flickered back and forth between mine.
“You’re studying my proportions, figuring out the gesture, the expression. Will it be a soft stroke with your brush or a hard one?” She gripped my hand and lifted it between us.
“Your brush,” she whispered and splayed my fingers so that my palm faced her. She lifted her back from the floor and pulled my index finger between her lips. I watched her tongue curl over the pad of my flesh and then shift along to my middle finger. I was mesmerized by the soft sensuality of her lips. I watched her eyes grow dark. I heard the breath within her rise and fall more quickly. It was as if her tongue was trailing up the inside of my thigh. This woman wanted me, no matter what reservations still lingered in my mind. I could weigh and reweigh the situation. Or I could let go and dive in.
I cupped my fingers under her jaw and lifted her chin. Her eyes opened and stared into mine.
“I had a copy of The Rock Posters Anthology when I was in art school,” she said. “There was a picture of you sitting on the counter in your studio in San Francisco. You had ink all over your arms and tattoos where the ink ended. You were smiling to someone out of frame.”
“I know the photo,” I said and sat back.
Candy swept her fingers over mine. “I clipped that photo, even though I loved the book. I framed it and hung it in my little workspace at OCA. Everyone thought I’d clipped it because you were one of my heroes. You were, but I also thought you were gorgeous. Someone told me that they’d seen you at an opening with a woman, that they’d seen you kissing her in the parking lot after. I didn’t even realize I was into women yet, but knowing that you were made me want to meet you even more.”
“Really?”
“Really. I had a hundred fantasies about you and your ink-stained hands, believe me.”
“You vixen,” I grinned.
