by Howard Mohr
Duel of the Giants
Last Sunday in August, at the Carl Bintoton farm, two miles south and a mile east of Trasto, or six miles west and a mile north of Wadden. Called the “Battle of the Red and Green,” each year a late-model International tractor (Red) is matched with a late-model John Deere tractor (Green) of the same horsepower and the drivers go at each other until one of the tractors is just a pile of parts and an oil slick. Very popular. The outcome has a significant effect on farm equipment purchases in the Midwest. Noisy but funny. Pork feed on the grounds. Parade. Queen.
Particle Board Pageant
June 14, Millborton. A small, carefully crafted dramatization of the impact of the compressed-wood-chip industry on the town’s economy. Those of you in the market for wall paneling can buy it at 30 percent off on pageant day. Delivery is extra.
Talking Money and Road Repairs in Minnesota
INDIRECTNESS
Being too direct in Minnesota is a common mistake made by visitors. For example, if you’re not from around here, and you drive into a gas station, you might be tempted to say
—“Fill it with lead-free, check the oil, and get the windshield.”
A Few of the Phrases of Indirection Out of Thousands
If you feel like it
If it’s not too much trouble
If a guy
A lotta guys
These and many other Minnesota words and phrases are used to make indirect commands and statements. Let’s head back to the gas station and listen to a Minnesotan talking to the attendant.
—“Yeah, I’ll take a little lead-free then, and you could maybe check the oil if you go past the hood, if it’s not too much trouble. Whatever. No big rush. I’ll do the windshield. I have to get out and check the tires anyway, you know.”
Two people approach the reference desk at the public library. Which one is the Minnesotan?
A: “I want a book on mountain goats.”
B: “If you’re not too busy, ma’am, I was sort of wondering if you could maybe help me find a book about mountain goats then?”
The driver of a car has parked with the back end out in heavy traffic. Which speaker is the Minnesotan?
A: “Say, Mert, you could maybe move in a little closer to the curb if you wanted to then.”
B: “Mert, move this pile of junk before we get our butts knocked off.”
A Lotta Guys, A Guy Could
Another common Minnesota phrase of indirection is a guy could and its variations, including if a guy and a lotta guys. Here’s a Minnesotan who’s been asked about how to repair a leaking toilet:
—“Well, I think if a guy took off that float valve with a Vise Grips, he could maybe get at the gasket then.”
See how different that is from:
—“Take off the float valve, dummy!”
Again:
—“I wonder if a guy couldn’t attach a handle to that thing without too much trouble.”
At the smelt feed:
—“A guy could sit here all night and eat smelt and beans.”
A lotta guys do, too—as long as the beer holds out.
A lotta guys is often used to give an opinion when it was not asked for but is maybe needed anyway.
—“A lotta guys wouldn’t use a welder so close to a gas tank like that.”
A lotta guys is also used in sarcastic statements. If a stud wall on a house under construction has just fallen over, a Minnesotan might say to his carpenter friend:
—“A lotta guys would’ve braced that wall, Joe.”
Recognizing Minnesota sarcasm is one of the toughest lessons a visitor can learn. A lotta guys never hear the difference.
A lotta guys and its variations are used mostly by Minnesota men, but not exclusively. The phrase a lotta gals should never be substituted for a lotta guys. If the friend helping fix the toilet is a woman, a guy should know better than to say:
—“I think if a gal took off that float valve with a Vise Grips, she could maybe get at the gasket then.”
Her natural reply would be:
—“I wonder if a guy could talk with a Vise Grips clamped on his nose?”
On a first date, a Minnesota man might easily say:
—“Do you suppose a guy could maybe get a kiss before you went inside?”
The Minnesota woman could say:
—“A lotta guys wouldn’t ask.”
Or she could say:
—“If a guy left right now he could be a block away before I got sick.”
Minnesota women are not as indirect as Minnesota men.
TALKING MONEY
Phrases
How much do I owe you?
Let’s settle up.
Your money’s no good here.
What’s this?
Some Minnesota Proverbs to Keep in Mind
Money talks, but not much.
Every good turn deserves to be paid back.
A gift out of the blue is like a kick in the teeth.
You don’t compliment me, I won’t criticize you.
It is better to give—receiving is not a good deal.
As long as you don’t make friends during your visit here, you’ll be okay when it comes to money. But if you stay awhile, trouble could develop. The following dialogue between two neighbors in Minnesota is word-for-word as it occurred. If you think you understand it completely, write me a letter—I know it’s right, I just don’t understand why.
—“Boy, Harold, my car works real good after you fixed the carburetor. Thanks.”
—“You bet. No problem.”
—“How much do I owe you?”
—“Owe me? Not a dime. Your money’s no good, so stop talking.”
—“But I want to settle up with you. You must’ve worked an hour out there in the cold.”
—“I worked two and a half hours out there in the cold, Arnie, but I’m not gonna take your money, so forget it.”
—“Sheez, Harold, I feel bad—let me give you something for your trouble. Here, take this twenty, it’s the least I can do.”
—“No, it’s not the least you can do—you can take that twenty and put it back in your billfold. Don’t get me mad.”
—“Look, Harold, I’m gonna lay this twenty on the table here, and then I’m gonna walk away. What you do is up to you.”
—“What I’m doin’ is, Arnie, I’m picking this twenty up and stuffing it in your shirt pocket, and if you take it out again and wave it in my direction, I’m gonna walk away.”
—“You haven’t heard the last of this, Harold. I’m gonna figure out some way to pay you back.”
—“Whatever.”
WHERE TO GO IN MINNESOTA
Minnesota Academy of Handypersons Award Ceremony
—by Lester Brown, acting chairperson of the Academy
If you’re here the first Saturday in February, there’s something you shouldn’t miss. I’m talking about the gala handypersons event of the year, when the Minnesota Academy of Handypersons gives the cherished Golden Vise Grips to the top handymen and handywomen of Minnesota.
Television coverage begins as the guests and nominees from all over Minnesota begin arriving in their vans and pickups at the curb outside the old Dell Theatre in St. Paul. You see a lot of toolboxes, and hammers hanging from belt loops, pliers in leather holsters, steeltoed shoes, overalls, flannel shirts.
The ceremony officially opens when the lights dim and the grand old man of Handypersons, John “Shingles” Lister, shouts the rallying words of the Academy: “Say, I can fix that. Let me get my tools!!” John—regarded as the “best damned roofer in the business, bar none”—is joined as always by the beautiful co-hostess, Doris Peterson, the first woman ever to be inducted into the Home Repair Hall of Fame. They say she was born with a three-eighths variable-speed reversible drill in her hand.
From then on it’s pandemonium as the nominations are made in each category and the Golden Grippies presented to the winners.
For information a
bout tickets and a colorful booklet with biographical information about past winners, write to the Minnesota Academy of Handypersons.
What follows is a list of some of this year’s nominees and winners. (An asterisk denotes the winner.)
Best Handy Idea
Nominees:
Teddy Nichols (extending the life of egg cartons with varnish)
Irene Field (spice shelf organization plan)
*Bud Bowman (patching old overshoes)
Most Amazing Single Handy Act
Nominees:
*Ephra Glenwood (repairing and replacing the ball-valve float assembly in a toilet tank without shutting off the water) [Ephra told the audience his secret was long rubber gloves and making sure your tools are greased.]
Mike Mikelson (reducing refrigerator odor with a simple device made from a food blender and two feet of garden hose)
Leo Rossburger (jump-starting his car in a blizzard with static electricity from his wife’s raccoon coat)
Creative Recycling
Nominees:
Andy Richmond (studio couch made from chunks of truck tires found along the highway)
DeeDee Whalen (revolving doghouse made from a discarded washing machine)
*Henry H. Holtrow (typewriter paper from old clothes)
Best Handy Group Performance
Nominees:
Bob, Bart, and Bernie Bogen (group insulation)
Roger and Edna Abbott and son Gordy (group carpeting)
*The Flying Sheetrockers (four neighbors from Ortonville) [The Flying Sheetrockers stole the show this year when they demonstrated their art on a bare 8-by-24-foot wall. They measured, cut, and installed all the Sheetrock in less than three minutes.]
TALKING ROAD REPAIRS
This is a primer of road-repair talk transcribed from an actual conversation, and used with permission. This is the first ten minutes. The full conversation is available by request.
—“What are they doing out there on 45?”
—“They’re gonna widen it.”
—“I thought it looked like they were moving the telephone lines back a ways.”
—“It’s gonna be kinda tough for detours, see, ’cause 45 right now is the way around the bridges they’re putting in on 72.”
—“Typical.”
—“The one bridge they just replaced last year, and here they are tearing it down to put in another one.”
—“I took that road last week. It looks like they’re putting in seven, eight, I don’t know, nine bridges.”
—“They’re tearing out nine bridges, but they’re gonna put culverts in five of them. They say some of them don’t need a bridge, really, because the creek was rerouted last year. But we’ll see.”
—“Oh, the new dam. Right.”
—“It’s gonna be tough getting to town. I figure it’s about twenty-five miles farther now.”
—“You got that right. Twenty-five hard miles. That gravel road is not the best either that goes off west there past the old Martinson place.”
—“That has got to be the worst excuse for a road I have ever seen. And then they go and use it for the detour.”
—“It’s like driving on railroad ties.”
—“If they’d come out here and asked us we coulda told them to route the traffic over that wide township road south there. You know the one I mean.”
—“I know. The slough road. It was overbuilt at the time. Looks like a freeway. Nobody ever on it.”
—“It was supposed to be blacktopped in ’79 or ’80, but all they got done was the grading. That’s the one I take.”
—“When they figure they’ll be done with all this?”
—“When they figure or when they’ll be done? They say by Labor Day. But I don’t know.”
—“Maybe Labor Day next year.”
—“That would be more like it. I remember that piece of County 8 they resurfaced in 1974. What was it, all of ten miles? They had that thing tore up from March till Thanksgiving.”
—“Wasn’t that because the ground was so soft?”
—“That’s what they said, but that road was there for who knows how long. Did it get soft while they were working on it, or what?”
Romance and Marriage:
An Update
The Romance and Marriage lesson of 1987 is still pretty much valid, according to a survey conducted in 2002 by an independent organization hired by the state of Minnesota. But that said, a couple of changes should be noted in our rather active courtship and marriage activities in the Gopher State since 1987.
In 2012 courting in Minnesota by e-mail, by Facebook, and even (though rather rare) by Twitter has a particular fascination for Minnesota men especially, because not one of these media has direct physical contact as a factor in finding a potential love of one’s life, and heck, that sure saves a lot trouble of the kind you can imagine if you had to be there right in person and think of something to say, or be expected to hug or something, or go to a fancy restaurant.
It is important to note that Minnesota dating, courtship, and marriage took a hard right turn in 1983, when the Domestic Claims Court of Minnesota ruled in favor of the wife who sued her husband for more hugs, thus creating a great burden to many Minnesota men. The plaintiff, arguing her own case, proved beyond a shadow of doubt that her husband never initiated any hugs, and when she hugged him, he drew back and screwed up his face like somebody in pain.
In 2007 the Domestic Appellate Court heard an appeal by three Minnesota husbands representing the class of Minnesota Husbands made on the grounds that it violates a Minnesota man’s constitutional right to be unemotional, if he feels like it. The appeal was denied and the three plaintiffs were the object of several humorous editorial cartoons and no end of comments at work.
I want to strongly point out that I tried to remain neutral on the ruling and the appeal, but neutral left me sleeping in the basement on the sofa bed with the iron bar under the mattress that digs into a guy’s back, so I bit the bullet, took a side, and then there was no more talk of separate vacations.
But strangely, independent of the ruling, Minnesota men began showing signs of growing affectionate behavior in regard to their wives in the area of hugs. Experts believe it started, another surprise, with men holding hands with their wives. One thing can lead to another, as we know. That’s not to say it’s an epidemic yet, but I’m telling you that it’s quite the deal to see Minnesota men hugging their wives in public, mostly the one-arm side hug, but there’s also been a huge jump in the full-frontal hug, with the concomitant patting of the recipient’s back, in private or right out in the open where somebody might see you.
Social scientists at the University of Minnesota are baffled by this outbreak, but university climatologists are not. There is convincing evidence that the increased frequency of husbands hugging their wives coincides with global warming. It is predicted that at the present rate of warming, marital hugging could go viral about the time the Atlantic Ocean begins seriously nibbling at Manhattan’s real estate.
This is all good news for wives, but before somebody thinks of awarding a Nobel Prize to Minnesota men, it must be said that Minnesota men remain semi-adamant about hugging relatives or friends, male or female. They’ll do it, but it is not a pretty sight.
Romance and Marriage in Minnesota
Minnesotan is not high on the list of the world’s romance languages, but it’s not quite as bad as some people make out. We do just fine here with dating and all the rest. I’ve got no complaints. But the fact is, if you’re taking a vacation for romance, you’d be better off in Hawaii or Ohio. They pay the price for that reputation though. But you never know, you could meet that special person right here in Minnesota. Many of us have.
DATING
—“So you don’t have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might want to go someplace with me, not tonight exactly, but you know, sometime then?”
—“Well, I could think of a lot worse things, David.”
—“So, Friday then?”
—“No problem, David, it might even be fun.”
You may quite possibly be very excited about your first date, but it’s best to suppress that excitement. Don’t go out of control. My experience is that it could turn out different from what you might expect, and so why stick your neck out and get your hopes up and then have them dashed. It’s better to keep your hopes down to a realistic level, or even lower.
But, even in Minnesota you can be caught by surprise and the sparks will fly. One minute you’re just drifting along, and the next minute, there you are, in the middle of a passionate romance. The following romantic encounters did happen in Minnesota, but what I wouldn’t like to say is how I got the information. Let’s just leave it that they’re true, and I have my sources. And don’t jump to conclusions about my private life either. Some of these encounters may have involved me and maybe not. I’m not real big on intimate confessions. Actually I’m not big on confessions period.
FALLING HEAD OVER HEELS IN MINNESOTA
At the Laundromat
—“I dropped my quarters all over the place, ma’am. I must’ve tripped on the bedspread hanging out of my clothes basket.”
—“You should have a belt-loop change holder like mine. They sell them at Ben Franklin. They’re real handy.”
—“What a great idea. This is all so new to me.”
—“That’s what I figured. It’s written all over your face. I’m Edna, by the way—and you dropped your Wisk.”
—“Thanks. Wally here. Would I be out of line if I asked you something? It’s personal.”
—“I don’t mind if you get personal.”
—“What temperature setting should I use on the dryer?”
—“Use the warm setting for polyesters, but for everything else I turn it all the way up to high. Except underwear.”
—“What’s the deal on underwear, anyway?”
