Once the day arrives and I’m sitting in the vast church that is filled to overflowing, I think it fully hits me that my father is dead. It still doesn’t seem possible, but it does feel real. The pain is acute. I swallow back the tears and keep my head down. The whole service is televised, which just feels like a horrific way to treat a grieving family, but Mother didn’t contest it for the sake of those who weren’t able to attend…so they could feel part of it too.
Titus, Cece, and Mara arrive and each kiss my cheek. I thank them for coming and they take a seat behind our family. I decide to bury my distaste of them for at least the day and focus on my family. It’s hard to do when I turn and see Mara dotting her nose with her handkerchief for the sake of the camera on her. I just can’t think about them today, I tell myself.
Luka holds my hand and keeps me supplied with tissues. I don’t know what I would’ve done without him. He’s been a shoulder—a literal, physical shoulder—that has sometimes been the only thing holding me up.
I hear the songs that I suggested, and I hear phrases from the speaker, but Jadon is really the only one who captures my attention when he speaks.
“A man cannot truly be a great man without honor, and our father and king, Neil Safrin, was a man with the utmost honor. Kind to a fault, yet bold when he needed to be—he knew when to discipline us at home and when to extend mercy—just as he has with this country. Far too soon, he was taken from us, along with his faithful driver, Sebastien, who was by his side for forty years. But he will never be forgotten, and instead of mourning his passing, which is inevitable, I know my father would want us to celebrate his crossing into the next life. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord and besides ruling this country to his greatest ability and caring for his family, that was his greatest hope. To one day meet his maker with open arms. Rest now, Father. We will hold your memory safe here for as long as we live. Until I reach the other side, farewell for now.”
There is not a dry eye in the house as Jadon steps down from the grand staircase and walks back to his seat.
Within the week, the coronation takes place and my brother is crowned king of Farrow, ruler of our land and household.
Chapter Thirty-Three
It’s been two weeks since my father died and beyond putting his arms around me each night and holding me, Luka hasn’t touched me. Even during the day, he is attentive yet keeps his distance. At first I appreciated it and needed the space, but for the past couple of days, it’s made all my doubts about him resurface. He’s been spending more time on the phone, and he seems antsy, which makes me feel bad for keeping him here when we’re all so melancholy.
After lunch he’s especially quiet, only smiling here and there at Jadon and Ava bantering back and forth. I excuse myself to my room and he comes in a few minutes later, assessing my mood.
“I feel like you’re always checking me out to see if I’m about to have an epic breakdown; you’re on pins and needles all the time. I can’t take it!” I sound much harsher than I intended, but once I’ve said it, I realize I mean it.
“I…you’re probably right. I’m sorry.”
“And that—you’ve never apologized so much in your life. You don’t need to start now!” I’m yelling at him and he’s staring at me, eyes huge. “Just stop watching me. Don’t even look at me,” my voice drops to a whisper, “I mean it.”
A small smile starts at the corner of his mouth and then grows. “I can’t not look at you. I mean, have you seen you?”
I turn away from him but not before he sees me smile. It falls away when I think about what I need to say. I don’t want to, but it’s the right thing.
“You should go home.” I turn around and face him again. “I need to be here with my family and I can’t fully focus on them when I’m worried if you’re okay. Not that you’re acting like you need anything—you’ve been wonderful actually. But I want to spend the holidays with them, maybe come back when a little time has passed.”
His left hand grabs onto his right shoulder and he’s quiet for a moment. Finally, he nods. “I don’t want to go, but I think you’re right. There are some things that need to be looked into at home and I can’t really be effective doing it from here.”
The air whooshes out of my chest. I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath those few seconds. I’m devastated that he agrees with me so quickly yet glad he’s being truthful.
“When will you leave?” I ask.
“Well, there’s a good chance that I’d just prolong going because it’ll be hard to leave you, so I should probably head out tomorrow. Not put it off.”
My eyes blur and I blink, hoping he doesn’t notice. Too late. His arms grip mine and he looks concerned.
“Or whenever you say. I don’t have to leave tomorrow.”
“I hate how I’m like a water faucet that won’t turn off.” I laugh and wipe my face. “No, you’re right. Tomorrow would probably be best. It will be a busy week with getting Mother moved into her new quarters.”
“Are you sure she won’t regret making such a hasty decision?”
“No, once she sets her mind on something, good luck trying to change it.”
My mother hasn’t wanted to stay in the room she slept in with my father, and by right, it’s Jadon’s now anyway. I doubt he will even change rooms, although his guard says it would be safer. It’s caused a few arguments, but Jadon can be stubborn when he wants to be.
Mother will be moving into the west wing, an area of the estate that never gets used.
“I actually think she’s looking forward to diving into a remodeling project.”
“Maybe it’ll be good for you too.”
I sigh. “We sound like an old married couple talking right now.”
I plop down on the bed and fall back. He sits next to me and does the same thing and turns his head sideways to look at me.
“I’m just trying to be the calm. If you need me to be the storm, I can turn it up.” He grins when he says it and I see the twinkle in his eyes that has been missing since we got here.
“How would you turn it up, if I needed it?” I turn to face him and he does the same, tracing a line down my cheek and neck.
“How raging do you need the storm to be?”
“Lightning, thunder, power outage, pouring down so hard you can’t see in front of you…”
“Quite a storm.” He licks his bottom lip and grips my chin between his two fingers. “It’s already brewing,” he whispers. “You better protect yourself. Can’t hold back much longer.”
I lean into his hand when he brushes back my hair.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
I nod.
“Let’s get this dress off of you. I need to feel your skin. There’s been way too many clothes between us in bed every night.” He unzips the back and I lift my legs so he can pull it all the way down. “Get on your hands and knees and let me make you forget for a while.”
And he absolutely delivers.
* * *
The next morning I’m still sleeping when he leans over and kisses my cheek.
“Take care of yourself, Eden,” he whispers. “I’m sorry I have to go. Goodbye, I’ll miss you.”
I’m half asleep, but when I come to as he shuts the door, I sit up in a panic. That was not an I’ll see you soon goodbye, but a goodbye.
I feel sick all day. I can’t concentrate on anything anyone says to me and walk around the house listlessly. Every time the grandfather clock chimes, I do the countdown in my head.
Five hours until he’s home.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
He should be home by now.
He’s been home at least an hour.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
When I go to bed that night and check my phone for the thousandth time, I convince myself it would be okay to check in with him. We’ve never
really talked on the phone or texted, so it feels strange.
Checking to make sure you got home safely…
It’s midnight my time when he answers.
Made it!
I can’t go to sleep after that. Made it? Is that really all he’s going to say?
I lie awake most of the night, wishing I was in his arms. There are no tears left to cry and all I want is for him to hold me.
* * *
When a full week has passed and he’s made no effort to communicate—I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. Brienne hovers worse than Mother, trying to make me eat something, but it just comes back up.
When she comes in on Monday morning and won’t look me in the eye and doesn’t mention food, I know my worst fears are coming true.
I resist looking online all day. I stay away from Brienne in case I’m tempted to ask what she knows, but before bed, against my better judgment, I pick up my laptop.
I can’t fight the truth any longer.
The first picture is of Luka and Nadia leaving the hotel we stayed in the night of the charity function. His fingers are threaded through hers and they’re huddled together.
The next article shows a series of her exiting the castle, so the shots are not the best, but it’s clearly her leaving after sleeping over. Luka hugging her goodbye, kissing her, and leaning over the car door when she gets in.
A glutton for punishment, I wipe the tears that are dripping off my chin and keep going. One more, from last night.
He’s got her on his shoulders in the ocean and Mara is nearby laughing like she doesn’t have a care in the world.
I throw my laptop against the wall and scream. Brienne comes running in and sits down on the bed, nervous and unsure of what to do. I fall into her arms and she holds me until I pass out from exhaustion.
* * *
Hell.
I’m in hell.
I gave my body to a monster. Not just once or twice, but countless times.
He fed my cravings like I was starving, and I was—I wanted him beyond all reason.
And in return I spoonfed my soul to him at the expense of all sanity.
I knew who he was. Didn’t I?
I’m so confused because I thought he grew. I thought my love for him changed him.
Love.
I never even told him I loved him. He never came close to telling me he loved me.
And what woman has ever changed a man?
I’ve been so incredibly stupid.
* * *
Jadon comes to my room the next night after I’ve not shown up for any meals.
“He’s not worth this, Edie. You have to get up and fight. You can’t let him win.”
“Was I crazy? Blind? Stupid? You thought he cared for me, right? He told you he did?”
He puts his head down and looks back up at me with such sorrow, I feel bad for bringing more pain on him.
“I believed him with everything in me. I-I don’t even know what to say. I’ve been the worst judge of character.”
He wraps his arms around me and my eyes fill, my skin aching with rawness as the tracks fall down my face.
“Please forgive me. I will get you out of this. I swear to you, Eden, you won’t stay married to that bastard.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
As news of our open marriage fills the airwaves and TV hosts discuss it over coffee on their morning shows, I fold more and more inside myself.
It takes effort to get myself out of bed in the morning; to listen to Ava, who is trying so hard to distract me; to help my mother move everything to the west wing; to go through my father’s things and box them up—it takes everything in me to function.
A few nights after I’ve seen the pictures, I get a phone call in the middle of the night. I’m awake. I’m always awake now. His face flashes across the screen and I debate not answering it, but like the pathetic person I am, I need to hear his voice.
I pick up the phone and don’t say anything.
“Eden? Are you there?”
“I’m here.” My voice comes out raspy because as soon as I hear his voice, I start crying. Again.
“I’m sorry, Eden. I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t need your empty apology. You told me from the beginning, I should’ve—”
I hold up the phone and it’s dead. I’m not sure if he hung up on me or if the call dropped. When he doesn’t call back, I assume he couldn’t handle hearing my anguish.
I sit up all night, trying to figure out what to do.
It’s been nice to be home and with my family, but I don’t feel settled here. It’s not the same. I came home a different person. I know I don’t belong in Niaps either, although my blood craves the water. I miss the ocean almost as much as I miss Luka.
I decide after the holidays I will travel. Maybe even go back to Kings Passage. It would feel strange to be there without him, but I’d like to finish what I started. Or maybe I can see if Ms. Macardi would still come here without Luka.
I need new paint supplies…
My eyes drift shut and I think about all the things I want to paint. I need to paint the water.
* * *
My mother is in my room when I wake up, standing over me.
“Oh, I hope I didn’t wake you. You’ve just been out for so long, I wanted to be sure you weren’t sick.”
“I finally slept,” I say, mostly to myself. I stretch and then sit up. “I needed that.”
“You’ve barely functioned for weeks now. I’m so worried about you.”
“It’s been weeks? Wow. It feels like moments and months all at the same time.”
She smiles. “Christmas is the day after tomorrow. Your father loved Christmas most.” She presses her lips together and we both tear up at the same time. “You’ve been through too much, losing your father and now your husband…” She smooths my hair back and wipes away one of my tears. “You fell for him, didn’t you.”
“I tried really hard not to, but yes…I did. Completely.”
“Perhaps he needs to grow up, sow a few wild oats before settling down…the two of you are really young.”
“I won’t be here waiting should he decide to grow up.”
“There’s still a marriage agreement. All of his foolishness aside, you are his wife and he has an obligation to protect you.”
“Where is the protection now? Father is dead. I’m here where I belong and if Alidonia or Niaps tries to take over our country, they’ll have a fight on their hands. Jadon has more allies than Father ever did—did you know that? They trust him, they will fight for him, and he’s prepared. You should believe in him. It would mean everything to him.”
She turns away. “I’ll have to take your word for it. Watching everything your father has built go into a mere child’s hands. It’s hard to watch.”
“Jadon is five years older than me!”
She smiles. “As I said, a mere child.”
I shrug. “He’s older than Father was when he became king.”
“True. And I hope with everything in me that you’re right. Otherwise, our life as we know it is about to change even more. With Luka behaving like this, it creates more division between all of us, and our surrounding countries aren’t going to know who to follow. Alidonia will have a way in.” She shakes her head and puts her handkerchief to her nose. “I just don’t know why it couldn’t have been me instead…”
I throw my arms around her. “Never say that. If you are alive, you have a purpose. You are meant to be here and only you can do what you’ve been called to do. Never forget that.”
She sniffles and when she pulls back, she’s smiling. “You went and grew up while you were gone, I see.”
“Who’s the mere child now?” I smile. “Not me.”
* * *
I think about Luka as we have the noodle contest. He would’ve enjoyed this even though we’re drastically more subdued without Father here. The gaping hole my father has left is excruciating for all of us, but we p
ress on. I’m proud of my mother for trying.
I think about him as we get up before the sun on Christmas morning and open presents.
I think about Luka when I see all my new art supplies and his eyes are the only eyes I can paint.
I think about him with every canvas I hide away because it’s him. He stands in the water, he looks back at me, he smiles with mischief, he sobers and that moment just before he kisses me…I paint it all.
I think about him when I paint over his image, slashing red and black paint in bold strokes. The blue in his eyes stares back at me until I swish, swish, swish that brush right over him until it’s like he was never there.
* * *
It’s the end of January before I realize I never made any resolutions and I decide to do so. Resolutions that do not involve Luka Catano. Well, everything seems to revolve around him, but soon, that won’t be the case.
I resolve to take care of myself. I’m still not eating much, but it’s getting easier.
I resolve to paint whenever I feel like crying. I’ve painted a lot.
I resolve to not let any man ever consume my heart again.
That one will take longer to accomplish, but I vow to myself that I will wipe my heart clean of Luka.
* * *
“I have a meeting with the future queen of Alidonia, Delilah Farthing,” Jadon announces at supper that night.
My mother’s fork clatters to her plate and we all stare at him.
“She will be coming here. We will speak peacefully and hopefully restore relations between us. The king is dying and it will be her who carries on. I’m hopeful.” He holds his glass up for us to celebrate and we all numbly lift our glasses.
It’s just the five of us, counting Brienne.
“Are you sure this is wise?” I ask.
Downfall: Kingdoms of Sin, Book #1 Page 19
