by Trey Parker
"How do you know he's telling the truth?" asked Wanda.
"I didn't believe him at first, so I started asking other lower level workers, and apparently everyone knew. They would leave for lunch together, he would take her home after work. Obvious shit like that."
"I didn't pay any attention to that Tina. I'm just working, trying to learn my position," Latoya replied.
"You're right, Latoya. I'm sorry. I'm just paranoid. I love this man so much. I don't know what to do."
"I know what you can do. Get back at his ass! Get even. I would fuck the worker, James..." said Wanda.
"No! Don't do that. That's only going to make matters worse. Tit for tat never works," said Latoya.
Tina chuckled. "That would kill him inside. That would tear his pride apart. James is kind of cute too. Hmmmmmm."
"Tina, you're not thinking straight. What about your morals? Just fucking for revenge will not make you feel better. Plus, you have no concrete proof," said Latoya.
"I have enough proof," said Tina holding up a picture with the secretary laying down in the bed with a man sleeping. "I pulled this from her Instagram. You see that tattoo of those praying hands on his chest. That’s Marvin. I ain’t stupid. And this bitch has the nerve to say in the caption, he's the cutest when he's sleeping. He's going to learn not to fuck with me."
Latoya shook her head. " I just don't think it’s a good idea."
Wanda looked at her, “Latoya, are you saying this because you don't want to lose your job and place to lay your head? Because usually you'd be on board with something like this. You're the queen of petty."
"I just don't want Tina to do something that she'd regret."
"I'm sorry you have to be in the middle of all this, Latoya. Really, this should have nothing to do with you, this is between me and that cheating, lying, punk. Your job shouldn't be jeopardized because of this. We'll live with Wanda if we have to. I'll make sure you're fine."
"I have plenty of room,” said Wanda. It would be a huge slumber party every night. I’m down for that. No men are allowed! I don’t get dick to visit me anyway so it won’t be anything new for me.”
The next day, Latoya was home contemplating on if she should up and move in with Wanda before shit hit the fan. She just didn't know what to expect. The front door alert came on.
Latoya cracked her bedroom door to see who it was. It was Tina.
She looked a little disheveled. Her hair, was a bit frizzed. Her outfit was wrinkled. Her lipstick was gone. But her facial expression was relaxed.
"Hey, you ok?" she said.
"Yep. I fucked James," she said with a smirk.
Latoya stood up. "You did not!"
"I sure did. And I liked it," said Tina shrugging her shoulders.
"Oh shit," Latoya said putting her palm to her face.
"Latoya, relax. I'm not worried. Why should you be?"
"I just. I just didn't sign up for this shit," Latoya said.
A minute went by. Then they heard keys jingling at the door. Marvin entered. They both looked at him. He looked at them in suspense.
"Ummm. Well good evening to you all too," he said as he closed the door behind him and begin walking to put his coat on the coat hanger.
"Marvin do you have a minute? I need to talk to you," said Tina.
"Not tonight. It’s going to have to wait. Long day, I need to rest," he said heading to his room and rolling his eyes.
"This can't wait, it’s urgent," Tina urged.
"Y'all I'm going to head to Wanda's for a bit so that you all can talk," Latoya said.
"No. You don't have to go anywhere Latoya, because like I said, I don't feel like talking right now," said Marvin undoing his tie and looking at Tina.
"So, when are you going to tell me about your little secretary? Or are you going to keep lying?" asked Tina.
"There's nothing to tell you. I have no idea of what you're talking about," said Marvin.
"Have you had sex with your secretary? Just tell the truth Marvin and I won't get mad."
Marvin laughed. "Who, Kayla? That's the stupidest thing I've heard all day. Who’s putting these lies in your head. Latoya did you tell her this foolishness?"
"I did not," Latoya replied.
"So, who told you that lie?” asked Marvin.
Tina took out her phone and held it up. "No one told me, I just found this on your secretary's Instagram."
Marvin looked at the phone and said nothing. He continued heading to his room and undressing. Tina ran in front of him and blocked him from walking.
"Why can't you just tell the truth?!"
"The truth is she's just a worker. That will be fired tomorrow for posting that shit. That picture doesn't mean anything. It’s a picture of me sleeping. So, what? It doesn't mean we had sex."
"So why the hell would you be sleeping with your secretary?! Stop lying!"
Marvin turned to her, "Ok. You want me to admit it, huh? You want me to admit that I fucked my secretary? Maybe. Ok. Maybe we fucked once. I was drunk, it was an after work function, and we may have got a little frisky. You happy?"
Tina backed up. And smiled. "That's all I needed you to do. Admit it. Now I can admit that I fucked James from your morning shift."
Marvin turned around. Dumbfounded. "You what?!"
"You heard me right. I fucked James. I was drunk, it was an after work function, and we got a little frisky," said Tina with a little smirk.
Marvin picked up a vase and threw it at Tina. She ducked, the vase hit the wall and shattered, missing Tina. Tina screamed.
"You put your hands on me and I'm calling the police and I'll have you put under the jail! I have Latoya here as a witness."
Marvin put his hands on his head in disbelief "Ahhh!!! You hoe! You stupid hoe! You dumb bitch. You fucked big mouth James?! He's going to tell everyone! I'm going to be the laughing stock of the whole organization."
"You put this on yourself Marvin! You cheated on me first!" said Tina.
"Get the fuck out of my house! It’s over. Forever. Both of you, get out! You fucking slut!"
Latoya’s stuff was already halfway packed. So, she quietly started getting it all together.
"That's okay, James dick was better than yours," said Tina with a smirk.
"And that's why Latoya's pussy was better than yours!" said Marvin.
Latoya felt like her insides had just exploded.
"So, what! Wait what?!" said Tina looking at Latoya.
"Yep. I fucked Latoya. So, we’re even. " Marvin said winking.
"Go to hell! You're the weakest fuck boy that I've ever seen. I swear you’re going to pay for this," said Latoya.
Tina looked at her, "Latoya, what is he talking about?"
"Tina… I made a huge mistake.”
“Please tell me that he’s lying?!”
“This was the worse decision that I've ever made...very bad judgement on my part... let me explain.”
"Hush! Don't say another word. To me ever. You and Marvin are made for each other," said Tina as she ran out of the house crying.
Latoya looked at Marvin, “I fucking hate you, you little dick, bitch-ass fuck boy!”
Marvin looked at Latoya with a childish smirk on his face and pointed towards the door. “You’re fired. Get your worthless ass out of my house.”
Latoya ran outside looking to try to make amends with Tina. Knowing that it would be a failure. She was walking towards the street headed to Wanda’s car. She got to the car and hopped in the passenger’s seat.
“Tina! I was blackmailed,” Latoya yelled.
“You fucked my man! And you had the audacity to stay under my roof and soak up my utilities?! Rent free?! After all that I had done for you ever since undergrad. You are a hoe! A straight-up no good slut. I should’ve known better! You fucked Lisa’s man, you fucked April’s man, and it was only a matter of time before you fucked my man. The only thing you’re good at is hopping on dicks that don’t even belong to you! You are a broke-ass, wor
thless piece of shit. You rotten coochie bitch!” she said as she rolled up her window.
Latoya was going to respond but she stopped. To say that her feelings were hurt was an understatement. Cutting deep into her heart like a steak knife. She trotted to the driver side to see if she could get Wanda to sympathize with her.
“Wanda. Listen. Please,” said Latoya as tears started to roll down her face.
"Latoya, I have nothing to say to you right now. There’s no way to make this situation better,” she said as she rolled up the window. Tina and Wanda pulled off.
1
NAKED HUSTLE
16. Help Wanted
Latoya had enough money to get a hotel. She stayed at the Marriott downtown. She had stayed in the hotel for two days straight and she didn’t leave. She couldn’t eat anything. She didn't know how she was going to mentally survive this situation. A couple of weeks back she had gone to the dentist to get her tooth pulled and the dentist had prescribed her Percocet for the pain. She had plenty left and she was prepared to numb the pain that she was having for good, even if it meant that her life would be over.
She sat in her hotel room. Everything was dark. Thinking about everything that Tina had said. About how she was worthless. Worthless was a strong word. But she agreed with her. She thought about her grandma and how she had let her down. Latoya always wanted to pretend like she would end up better than her mother, but in the grand scheme of things, she was no different. Maybe even worse. At least her mom had made it to her 40s. All the while, Latoya was ready to end her life before the age of 30. She saw herself as a loser. A worthless piece of shit. She sat on the edge of the bed and poured eight pills in her left hand, and in the right hand she had a cup of Patron ready to wash them down. All of a sudden, the phone rang. It scared the hell out of her.
She did not recognize the number. But something told her to answer it anyway.
“Hello?”
“What’s up, girl?”
“Who is this?”
“It’s Lisa.”
“What? Lisa! What do you want from me?! Are you calling to crucify me too?”
“Not at all. I was calling to check up on you, just like I said I would. Are you ok?”
“Of course, I’m not Lisa! Do I sound ok?!”
“Toya, talk to me, hun, tell me what happened?”
“You wanna know what I did?! I fucked Tina’s boyfriend while living with her. Everyone hates me! I’m worthless. I’ve never been good at shit my whole life. I’m a fuck up. Why should I not just put myself out of my own misery right now and make everyone’s life much easier?”
“Toya. That is the last thing you should be thinking about. You have a purpose on this earth. DO NOT take your life prematurely. So what? You used bad judgement. You can and will bounce back from this. You’re strong. Just pick yourself up and dust yourself off. God has a plan for you, you remember?”
“Easy for you to say! You’re out here living your dream. Doing what you love! While I’m here just fucking everyone’s life up. I know God has forgotten about me because I ain’t shit and I ain’t never going to be shit.”
“Toya. You must have forgot! I got fired from my job because of a sex tape! I was humiliated, and I was clueless about what I was to do next. I was suicidal, too. But I didn’t give up on my life. That embarrassment and humiliation was exactly what I needed to find out what my purpose was on earth. As I look back and connect the dots, everything happens for a reason.”
There was a long pause of silence.
“You’re right. My grandma would kill me if I killed myself. She’d hunt me down in hell and kill me again.”
“Just don’t give up. I didn’t give up. Do you need me to come keep you company?”
“No, thank you, Lisa. I need some time to myself right now. But I appreciate you talking me through this.”
“Anytime, love. From here on out, just look at me as your spiritual teacher. If there’s anything you are going through, please feel free to reach out.”
Latoya hung up with Lisa. She sat there, eight white pills in her hand. Liquor in her cup. She looked at the pills and she swore they looked like little devils. How could something so small and innocent looking be able to take a life. She busted out crying, thinking about everything that was happening. Trying to figure out if she had a future or not. Or if she was willing to take on the future. She thought about her grandma. She pictured her grandma looking at her in a casket. She pictured Grandma Betsy shaking her head in disappointment. That vision of her made her realize that she didn't want to give up on life, not yet at least. She knew her grandma thinks she can do more. It then dawned on her that Lisa had saved her life.
A couple days after her brush with suicide, Latoya agreed to meet with Lisa at a coffee shop. They were officially friends again. But most importantly, Latoya let Lisa become her life coach. Lisa wanted to do a friendly consultation.
“Have you read the book called The Alchemist?” Lisa asked.
“No. Never heard of it. You know I hate reading. What’s it about?”
“Whenever you get a chance check it out. It’s my favorite, but it’s basically about a little boy on this journey in the desert, looking for this treasure. So that he can become his personal legend, the ultimate version of himself. What would the ultimate version of yourself be?”
“A super rich bitch that everyone envies,” said Latoya.
“Ok. Well, you have a lot of work to do then. Do you know your purpose in life?” Lisa asked.
“Girl, I don’t know. My purpose is just to be rich.”
“Ok. Why do you want to be rich?”
“Because I know how it feels to be dead broke,” she said laughing.
“Oh Lord. This is going to be fun,” she said sarcastically. “There has to be something else that drives you.”
“Hmmmm. My little sister, Leah. My sister is in the sky looking down at me right now. Hoping that I lead by example. She wouldn’t want me to give up. And my grandma drives me. My Grandma Betsy wants me to succeed more than I want myself to succeed. She wants me to turn out better than my mom. My mom’s a drug addict. That’s why I went to live with my grandma. My mother killed my little sister Leah when she was driving while on drugs.”
“Wow, what a story Toya. I had no idea. Do you think you can ever forgive your mom for what she did?”
“Fuck no. Martha is the reason why my life is so fucked up now.”
“Do you think you can ever help Martha, try to change her life for the good?”
“No! There’s no chance. And I’d rather not talk about her at all. Ever. Can we move on to the next question?”
“Ok. Fair enough. So, every time you feel like giving up, think about your grandma. Think about Leah. Think about how you don’t want to walk in your mother’s footsteps. Think about how you’ve failed all of those times and let that be the reason why you strive to win. Now answer this, What are you good at?”
“Not a damn thing. That’s why I’m at where I’m at now. I’m just good at looking good. That’s it.”
“Well what interest you?”
“Make-up and clothes maybe. I love shopping. And partying. I like to dance. That’s about it.”
“Well that’s a start. And actually, I have a great relationship with an executive at Sephora name Sarah Hamilton. Sephora is a partner with my non-profit and she’s the one who writes the checks. It may take awhile, and it may be a stretch, but I may be able to get you a solid position at Sephora. Would you like that?”
“Girl, I love Sephora. They get all of my money. Of course, I would work for them.”
“Good! That way you will be doing something that you love. If you do well, you will move up in the company in no time. In the meantime, we just need to help you get a quick job to get you some income.
“Yea, I’ll start looking and applying now,” said Latoya.
“Good. Now Latoya, my name is all I have. I’m vouching for you. Sarah is a big time donor to my organizati
on. If I get you this interview, please don’t let me down.”
“Girl. I got you. And Lisa, Thank you for everything. I am truly grateful.”
She was on her way home from the meeting. She was on I-75, about to send Lisa a text to let her know how much she appreciated her. Boom! She felt a jerk. Yep. She’d just hit someone's back bumper. It was a Porsche. A new one at that. 2017. She had never got into a car accident before. No insurance. No money. She started shaking. She pulled over behind the Porsche. She waited for the other person to get out of the car first. She was so embarrassed. A woman got out of the Porsche. She looked about Latoya’s age. She looked foreign. Long hair. Glamorous. She had some expensive shades on with red bottom heels. She had on a red dress. Latoya was impressed. Latoya stepped out of her car after her.
The woman examined the back of her car. Then she looked at Latoya.
“Girl, you almost broke my neck,” the woman said.
“I’m so so sorry. I was...”
“Texting and driving? Don’t lie I do it all the time,” she responded.
“Unfortunately, yea I was.”
“Well, The good thing is that my car looks fine. Your shit is a little fucked up. You have a dent.”
She looked and saw the dent the size of a football on her front bumper.
“Yea. Well I don’t even have insurance.”
“You’re a pretty girl. I know you have money. What do you do?” said the woman.
“Well, I’m in between jobs right now. Hopefully, I start working at Sephora sometime soon. Maybe I can pay you after I start there.”
“In between jobs? hold on.” The woman started walking back to her car. Latoya didn’t know what to do. She reached in the car and grabbed her purse. She started walking back.
“Here. This is probably how much the damage is worth.” She pulled out a wad of cash. About $1,000 plus a little more.
Latoya looked at the woman like she was insane. “But, I was in the wrong, I hit you. Why would you pay for my damage?”
