by A. C. Bextor
“Hayden.” She moves to step closer, but I back away.
“This is my problem, too.”
“Not really. You’re still Hayden.”
“Hayden and company.”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
“No, not never mind. Say it.”
My life will never be the same. It hasn’t been since meeting her. Since I started falling for her, my thoughts and emotions have been scattered and unstable. I successfully avoided all of this shit on purpose. Here I am anyway.
“We were done. I’ve been with other women since you. We were over.” I hear the lie as I say it; too late to pull it back. I’m trying to hurt her the way she’s hurting me. I haven’t been with anyone else; she’s wrecked my motivation and desire to ever have another one-night stand.
She did that and now she’s doing this.
I don’t want this.
Her face is set hard but her eyes are shining with hurt. I’ve cut her just as sure as the glass that sliced her leg. The scar it leaves will fade, but the memory of how it happened will never die. I mean to injure her; it’s exactly what I want. I want her world to shake with the same severity she’s done to mine.
She straightens her posture and meets me toe to toe. “You’re right. We were done when you fucked me like one of your whores.”
“Whores get paid.”
“I hate who you think you are.”
“I told you then and I’ll remind you now. You shouldn’t have liked me in the first place. I didn’t hide that from you. I never lied about that.”
Her tone is full of anger as she expresses it. “I should have listened. I should’ve listened to everyone who warned me about you.”
“Guess so,” I agree with limited enthusiasm. “That night. When I fucked you like an unpaid whore,” I pause, ensuring I have her attention before I strike. “Did it hurt you? Did it change you, Lacey? Did it sicken you?” She doesn’t answer, but her eyes grow wide as realization hits on the point I’m about to drive home, ensuring she never forgets it. “That’s what you just did to me.”
“You’re not who I thought you were.”
She turns toward the door, and this time, I don’t make a move to stop her. We’ve gotten nothing accomplished together. I need time alone to process. She had that for who knows how long before driving over here and dropping this on me.
She’s pregnant and it’s mine.
Before she closes the door behind her, she stops and turns to me with certainty. “People make mistakes. It happens. It’s life. No matter how you try to avoid it, people let you down, Hayden.”
“Yeah, you fucking did.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Hayden
IT’S BEEN THREE months since Lacey walked into my house, turning it upside-down by telling me I’m going to be a father. Three months of struggling with each other and side-stepping explosive conversations which revolve around one of us placing blame on the other.
Our lives have become a sad routine of unspoken anger and resentment.
After the initial news of the baby settled in, I sought advice from my dad and that’s something I had never done. He told me this was an opportunity not a life sentence. He advised me to have Lacey move in and bring this child into the world as a family. Even if we weren’t together in a traditional sense, we could make the attempt to co-parent and offer this baby every opportunity to feel a part of a family. Lacey and I haven’t been anything traditional since we started anyway, so if the arrangement doesn’t work at least we can walk away knowing we tried. I was apprehensive, but after talking to Lacey, we both agreed to do exactly that.
We moved her stuff in a few weeks ago, after our cooling-down period ended. I wasn’t sure she would forgive me for striking her with my words as I had and to be honest, I don’t think she has. She was angry, bitter, and although she never said it, she hated me for making her feel the way I did. Her reaction when I asked her to try was a little scary. She threatened me. She told me if I fucked this up, I’d live every day in fear. I don’t think she did this for me. Her concern was for Travis and she didn’t want our mistake to affect his life as it would if she lived with him. He tried to convince her not to leave, not to stay with me, but in the end, she agreed to try.
We told the group the news and were met with a variety of reactions. It wasn’t easy watching the painful expressions shielded by the mumbles of congratulations, but it’s done and we’ve decided to move forward the best we can.
Although she won’t admit it, she feels as trapped in this as I do. She’s not come out and said it as I have, but she feels the same blatant insecurity and fear. It’s paralyzing. It’s the one thing we know we have in common, and we do all we can not to bring it up.
We don’t laugh anymore. We don’t share stories of our day before bed as we once did. We don’t talk about our lives and where we imagine it to be going because we already know.
Unorganized routine.
I hear her cry sometimes. The silence in the living room where I’ve started sleeping to give her space isn’t far enough away to avoid it. Although my condo is three bedrooms and I could have moved out all my music equipment and memorabilia, I didn’t. I feel as though I’m being punished and this should include the sentencing to take place on an uncomfortable couch that gives her enough space in distance so even though we live together, we aren’t sleeping only a wall away. It doesn’t always make sense, even to me, but nothing anymore does.
None of this makes sense.
She won’t talk to me when I ask her about it. Instead, she tells me her hormones have caused her unstable emotional state. She’s lying; it’s me who causes her tears. It’s my reaction to this situation that is hurting her the most, and I put her in it.
Over the past three months, I’ve woken in the middle of the night unexpectedly. I don’t sleep as much as I used to and the exhaustion has weighed heavily. I watch her sleeping sometimes from the bedroom door. She’s restless. Her body jolts in movement and I ache to touch her, hold her, and soothe her worries. I don’t, though. It would confuse our already delicate imbalance.
Sarah turns seventeen today. The party is being held at Bean’s and all of our closest friends are here. Sarah doesn’t have a lot of friends at school, so it’s a small mix of our close-knit friends and family here to share her celebration. I feel like an outsider, though. I’ve agreed for Sarah to make an appearance, but it’s highly doubtful anyone cares if I’m here or not.
Travis’s anger toward what happened hurts the most. He knows he was right about who I am, and although I can’t fault him for hating me, I resent him just the same for being right.
Ace and Raegan have kept their distance. Every now and then, I catch Rae’s eyes on me and sense her disappointment through her unwavering stare. She’s done her best to remain neutral, but she and Trav are close and it’s a natural reaction to take his side. I get it and don’t blame her at all.
Toby and Marlee live in their own world and I’m happy not to taint their expected arrival. Her pregnancy so far has gone smoother than anticipated, and I’m thankful for the small peace that offers.
“Are you going to eat that cake, Hayden, or continue to stare at it like it has all the answers? It’s your favorite; try some.” Bean smiles at me from her chair as I lean against the wall, looking down on her from the side.
“I’m not really hungry.”
“It’s German chocolate. You and Sarah love that mess. Personally, I find it offensive to mix coconut with cake.”
I appreciate her effort in trying to get my mind off everything that’s happened, even for a few minutes, and with her cooking as always. “Don’t judge the coconuts or cake, Bean. It’s good shit.”
Her eyes furrow and her lips draw straight before she corrects me. “Mouth, young man.”
“Sorry,” I utter back with petulance.
“Ace said you were going to help him with my car today. I don’t want Sarah driving it alone
until I know it’s safe. She’s a good ole girl, but she’s got some problems under that hood of hers.”
“I told him I’d hand him tools. I’m not so good at the fixing.”
“Yes, you are. You just haven’t figured out how yet, but you will.”
Her insinuation leaves me without words. I don’t want to get into this with Bean. When she found out Lacey was pregnant, the little woman was elated. That is, until she was informed of my jackass response. Then she told Ace I had it coming if I didn’t straighten myself out. Right now, she’s ready to give me her bucket of ‘what for’ but I’m hoping for a distraction.
And lucky for me, here it is.
Decklan and Rae break in from outside and Decklan is panting. “Diamond is crazy, Bean,” he claims as though we don’t already know this. Ace’s dog is not only crazy, he’s stupid.
“What’s he up to now?” Bean asks with excited eyes.
“He was all over Lacey when she sat down, so Travis tried to block him and Diamond went for his feet and knocked him down and started biting all over his face.”
“He was playing,” Rae corrects. “Not biting.”
“Sure, Mom. Whatever. He doesn’t bite me like that.”
“Is Lacey okay?” I gave them my attention after Deck explained Lacey was being mauled by an animal weighing a good solid eighty pounds.
“Physically? She’s fine,” Rae informs with snide insinuation. “You could go check if you’re worried, Hayden.” She looks to Decklan standing beside her. “Deck, go get Diamond’s stuff and let’s take it outside.”
“Toy bags and backpacks for dogs,” Bean accuses. “I must have missed something growing up. My dog got a milk bone if he was lucky.” She’s got as little love of Diamond as Rae does.
“Thanks for the cake, Bean. I’m going out to check on Lacey.”
“No problem. Give her a hug for me.” Bean, ever the matchmaker, doesn’t stop.
“You’re a sneaky woman.” I bend to kiss her forehead, taking the empty plate from her lap.
“You’d do well to remember this.”
“I could never forget,” I say, smiling as I walk away.
*****
Lacey
The outside community backyard to the complex Bean and Sarah live in is littered with our friends and family.
Sarah and Trav are tossing around a football and Diamond is unknowingly the monkey in the middle. Decklan and Maddux are laughing hysterically as they chase his tail. The dog pays no attention to their heavy footsteps aimed to cause him pain.
Rae and Ace are watching from the picnic table. Ace’s stance is typical; he’s waiting on alert for someone to get hurt. Rae, sitting below him as he perches on top of the picnic table, rests her head on his knee.
Toby and Marlee sit beside Rae, watching the others and smiling.
I’m seated on Bean’s small porch, protecting myself from that behemoth of a beast. I’m an animal lover; I love all things sweet and furry, but Diamond tests my patience. More so since being pregnant.
“Rae said Diamond came at you. You okay?” Hayden’s concerned voice behind me causes me to close my eyes and savor it. I miss talking to him about anything other than the baby and how it will inevitably impact every facet of our lives.
“Yeah. He came at me. Trav grabbed him in time, though. It was close. Ace has a stupid dog.”
“That dog loves you.”
“That dog would love you if you offered to let him hump your leg.”
Hayden walks to stand beside me and I look up, using my hand to block my eyes from the sun. He’s smiling down at me with childlike glee. “You’re sick, Lacey. Even for you that’s gross.”
“You’re awkward, Hayden. You just enacted that scene in your head, didn’t you?” My playful response causes us both to look away and into the yard. Things were so much easier not so long ago.
“Nice day out, isn’t it?” he asks.
Small talk. I hate it.
“Yep. Do you want to sit?” I point next to me and start to move over, giving him room.
“For a few minutes. I came out to get Ace. We’re supposed to fix Bean’s car today.”
I laugh out loud. The image of Hayden under the hood of any car is comical. “You’re not fixing anything, are you?” I nudge his shoulder, signaling I’m not being serious.
“I could fix it if I wanted to, but Ace would get pissed if I showboated my mad mechanical skills, though.”
We sit in comfortable moments of silence for a few more minutes, neither of us paying much attention to the group in front of us.
Until . . .
Travis goes in to tackle Sarah. He hits her harder than it looks like he’d planned and she goes down quick and hard with Travis landing on top of her. I glance to Ace who stands, ready to bolt toward them if Sarah so much as whimpers in pain.
It’s the next thing we see which brings Hayden and me to our feet.
“That’s not . . .” I stutter.
“Holy fucking shit. Tell me it’s not . . .” Hayden visually shudders.
Diamond has a bone. It had to have come with the bag Rae brought out. Raegan is on her feet running toward the dog and the rabbit bone.
“I can’t look away,” Hayden says softly, leaning down to me as I stand next to him.
“I can’t either. This is messed up.”
Raegan is screaming at the top of her lungs as she lunges for Diamond, but now it appears she’s the monkey in the middle. Travis starts to get off Sarah, not seeing any of this play out.
Until . . .
Diamond drops the pink vibrator next to Trav and Sarah’s shoulders and both heads turn at once. Sarah’s eyes grow wide—really wide. Travis immediately starts to push off Sarah and scoot away from it as though it’s on fire while screaming at Diamond to get back and for Ace to come get his ‘fucking dog.’
Hayden and I both take in a breath, look to each other, then back to the chaos in the front yard and burst out laughing. My stomach hurts, my eyes are watering, and I can no longer breathe.
Ace has a hold of the vibrator, hiding it from the kids. Decklan, being just a kid, doesn’t understand the commotion. “Ace! That’s his bone,” he says, following Ace back to the backpack. Ace says nothing but tosses it inside and throws the bag to Toby for guarding.
Raegan’s face is planted in her hands as Travis walks by, leaving her plenty of room to mourn in her embarrassment.
Hayden’s arm comes around my shoulders, and force of old habit has me positioning my arms around his waist and burying my face to avoid feeling the shame of others watching our non-stop laughter.
“Now that’s not something you see every day,” I tell him, looking up and watching him smile at the others.
“It’s Rae’s toy. That fucking dog loves her, but she won’t give him any attention so . . . that happens.”
I control my laughter long enough to look up at Hayden’s still red from laughing face. The past few months, I had forgotten how beautiful he is when he’s at peace with himself.
“I haven’t laughed like that in a long time,” I tell him with honesty.
His smile falls, he bends to kiss the top of my head and pulls me tightly against him. “Me either.”
“What the fucking hell am I supposed to do with this shit? Talk to him, Hayden. The dog’s gotta go!” Raegan passes us in a fury to get into the house without giving Hayden time to respond.
Travis and Sarah come up behind her. Travis’s face is red and Sarah’s eyes are no less wide. With Hayden’s arm still around me, Sarah sends me a sly, short, knowing smile.
It’s not what she thinks.
“I’ve now seen Rae’s underwear and her vibrator. Two very personal things I can’t un-see. This is shit, Ace.”
“Fuck off, Trav. I’ve got a fuck of a lot more to deal with than your weak ass. Raegan’s going to kill him this time,” Ace responds, opening the screen door.
Travis looks to both Hayden and me, who are now huddled in a corner. “I
’ll get the fuckin’ rope and help her,” he says, staring behind him.
After Trav pushes Sarah in the house, Hayden and I watch the boys continue to chase Diamond. Marlee and Toby smile wide at us from the picnic table and Marlee waves. They get how funny that was. One day, the rest of them will, too.
Maybe a few days after Diamond’s funeral.
*****
Hayden
“Are you ready?” I ask Ace, drying my hands with Bean’s old dishtowel.
“Fuck, yes. I need a beer.”
Lacey took Raegan home not long after Diamond’s dash of true poetic humor. Decklan is staying with Bean tonight, so Ace and I can go have a few beers and I can listen to him vent about his domestic issues. As if a dog is such a challenging burden.
“Ace, be sure to tell Sarah goodbye. She seemed a little bit upset with you when she came in earlier. Check on her for me?”
Ace stutters. Seeing his little sister’s face as she processed what was lying in front of her, while Travis was on top of her . . . no. I’m with him on this.
“I’ll text her, Bean. She’s probably asleep.”
“Words on phones,” Bean utters to herself as she turns the television on. “Wasted youth.”
Ace gives me a hard look and we walk outside.
Sitting at The Ward on a Sunday night affords us the opportunity, or costs us dearly, to meet the new waitress. She’s older than Lacey, but younger than me and she’s a slut; I already know. She’s had her hands on me three times since we sat down twenty minutes ago.
“Not interested in the new girl, huh?”
“No. She’s not my type.”
Ace looks up from his beer and questions me. “Since when have you had a type?”
“I’ve always had one.”
“Right.” Sarcasm. “So, how’s Lacey doin’ with the pregnancy? I didn’t talk to her much today with everything going on.”
“Same. She’s not had much morning sickness as far as I can tell.” I hear my answer as I say it. I haven’t been paying much attention to know if she’s been sick or not.
“How the fuck can you not know if she’s had morning sickness? Jesus, Toby wears the sickness most days. Holds her hair back and all that shit.”
