by Hole, Carrie
“Reina, let me drive you home, it’s not safe.”
“You are the danger,” she scoffed.
“I won’t say a word.”
“Like your presence isn’t loud enough...”
“Reina please let me drive you.”
Reina was drunk and angry, but she wasn’t a fool. She probably couldn’t make it all the way home walking. She got up without saying anything and got in the car. She put on her seatbelt and folded herself into her door. As soon as they reached the house and the car was in park, she was out and slamming the door. She went inside slamming the front door, only to find Amy waiting up for her.
She put her hands up, “Don’t speak.”
She went in her room, visited the bathroom for another round of being sick, and passed out on her bed.
Chapter 25
Reina once again woke up feeling like death. She forced herself into the spinning shower, took some aspirin and fell back to sleep. It wasn’t until late afternoon that she stumbled out for coffee, only to find Amy at the dining table waiting. Amy waited quietly until Reina had coffee and sat.
“Ok Reina, I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen.”
Reina didn’t hear that tone of voice from Amy often, but she knew this was about to be unpleasant. Not being fully functional yet, she gave her a sarcastic hand gesture to continue.
“Firstly, I don’t want to hear any bullshit from you about a guy coming between us, or whatever nonsense you might come up with. You are my family and I love you. You know damn well I would never do that, so don’t even try it. I know you didn’t expect him to be here, but I didn’t expect him to knock on the door, and I’m not you.”
Reina just looked at her trying to concentrate over the pounding in her head.
“Secondly, it’s time to cut the crap Reina. This destructive behavior has to stop. You’re hurt, I get it, but you’re hurting everyone around you. You’re hurting me, you’re hurting James, you’re hurting yourself...you’re hurting everyone that comes into contact with you. Get it together, do you hear me?”
Reina nodded her head with a roll of her eyes. She really should have some crackers with this coffee.
“Lastly, you need to deal with whatever is going on between you and James. He’s obviously in love with you, and you’re being an ass. I’m not telling you to get back together or whatever, but you need to have a conversation with him. Resolve it instead of running away and dragging it out.”
Reina gave her the “whatever” death stare, wishing the room was steadier. Stupid whiskey. Fuzzy memories of James at the bar were hovering on the edge of her throbbing brain, but then Amy was speaking again.
“I’m not putting up with it anymore Reina.”
“Ok, Amy.”
“That’s it!? Ok, Amy?”
“Be good, get my shit together. Got it.”
“I hope you do hear me,” Amy replied huffily, leaving her sitting by herself.
And this day officially sucks, Reina thought. She took more aspirin, choked down some crackers, and went back to her bed. She didn’t want to deal with this day anyway.
She woke up the next morning with vague memories of Amy’s words ringing in her head. She grabbed coffee, sat at the breakfast bar, and tried to piece it all together. Amy was right about one thing, she did need to get it together. This wasn’t who she was. Time to start returning to logic, and stop letting her emotions rule her actions. James’ number was written across a tablet on the counter, and memories of the bar came back slowly. She rubbed her hands across her face remembering some random guy. Oh God. She’d never picked up a random guy in her life. She remembered James’ at the door, a confrontation. Warning bells started ringing in her head. James had said he loved her. Her hands came to the back of her hair, making a fist. She had not handled that well at all.
She got more coffee and sat quietly, trying to sort through it all. She kept skipping back to their argument in Vancouver, what he’d said, the look in his eyes, and started to see them for what they were. He’d done exactly what she’d wanted to do; he tried to break it to make it easier. Maybe she was broken, breaking everything in her path. She was longing for him and couldn’t get past her own fear. Being afraid of having her heart broken had brought her to exactly where she didn’t want to be. Now that she was weathering the storm, she was still afraid. If they were together and didn’t work out, she’d be right back to this place. She definitely didn’t want to live through it twice. She did owe him an explanation, and an apology. That was going to require more coffee.
She sat there for a couple of hours drinking coffee and trying to work up courage. Obviously this wasn’t going to get any easier. She tore off the number, took her phone and sat on her bed. Gotta do this, she thought. She dialed the number and put it to her ear, before she lost her nerve.
“Hello Reina,” he answered.
Hearing his voice always made her heart pound. “Hey,” she replied, then thinking about it she added, “how did you know it was me?”
“Amy gave me your number,” he answered cautiously.
“Oh. Yeah…” she hesitated. “I um, I called because, I...” she paused again, trying to breathe. “I wanted to say, I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Breathe. “I’m sorry if I keep hurting you,” she almost whispered.
She really wasn’t sure what else she had intended to say, but he was quiet, and without thought her eyes were welling up, voice breaking, and everything she had been feeling came spilling out.
“I’m sorry. I’ve never felt this way before. I can’t even imagine a future with you, I don’t know what that looks like,” she paused to breathe. “I’ve never given anyone the power to hurt me,” she said quietly. “I gave you my heart and now, now I’m so empty, and,” she paused. “I just can’t,” her voice broke.
“Reina,” James said in a strained voice.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Reina I need to see you.”
She closed her eyes. Just breathe. “Ok.”
“Meet me at The Crowe’s Nest in an hour.”
“That didn’t work out so well last time.”
“Meet me there.”
“Ok.”
“Yes,” he challenged.
“Yes.”
There were a handful of people playing pool when she arrived. She sat at the bar, ordered water, and tried to stay calm. She turned to the sound of guitar strings; James was sitting where she’d first seen him play. When their eyes met, he started singing “Lovesong” by The Cure. It was like the day they’d met, except this time there was no mistaking his intentions. She realized she’d already willingly surrendered, she’d been claimed and she didn’t want to run from it anymore.
She stood up as he put the guitar down and came for her.
He watched her eyes as he spoke, “I’m sorry I hurt you Reina. I don’t want to hurt you; I only want to be where you are.”
His thumb caressed her face, wiping a tear from her cheek.
“I’m so in love with you,” she replied softly.
His hand came to the back of her neck, arm wrapping around her as she stepped into him.
“Say it again,” he asked.
“I’m in love with you.”
“Tell me you’re mine,” he murmured against her ear.
“I was always yours,” she answered.
“I’m yours too Reina.”
“I trust you,” she whispered.
She knew she could hide her heart in his hands, and call it home.
Epilogue
Reina knelt on the bed, hands tied, black scarf blindfolding her, and senses humming. She could hear James’ movements, the anticipation making her body tremble. She tried to keep her breathing steady and calm her beating heart as she waited.
To be continued…
Playlist
A tremendous Thank You to all of the musicians of the world!
You inspire, motivate and console us.
You touch our hear
ts and speak to our soul.
Below is a playlist of songs I listened to while writing, listed alphabetically by song title.
(All copyrights belong to their respective owners. No copyright infringement intended)
Animals - Maroon 5
Autumn Breeze - Perfect Confusion/Cage The Elephant
Close - Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo
Closer - Nine Inch Nails
Dark Paradise - Lana Del Ray
Desire - Meg Myers (Hucci Remix)
Don’t Let Me Down - The Chainsmokers ft. Daya
Hands To Myself - Selena Gomez
Haunted - Beyonce’
Lovesong - The Cure (acoustic cover by Matt Commerce)
Margaritaville - Jimmy Buffet
Never Be Like You - Flume
One Bite - Todor Kobakov ft. Adaline
Pillowtalk - Zayne
Rolling In The Deep - Adele
Say Something - Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera
Scars - Boy Epic
Take Me To Church - Hozier
Unsteady - X Ambassadors
Use Me Up - Wanderhouse
Vampire Sunrise - Boy Epic
Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
Thank You’s & Recognition
Thank you to my best friends Amy Harris & Carlos (Chuck) Rodriguez
We’ve known each other since we were kids, and you still put up with me. Thank you for being on my reading team too.
Thank you to my reading team. You not only support me, but trusted me enough to be my guinea pigs.
* Crystal Jones *
Ashley Zimmerman
Michelle McCommon
Enda Staples
Lesley Ellis
Patty Beyer
Jackie Harris
Thank you to Shani Kenny. You took time out of your hectic schedule to support me, make promo packages and promote me. I am forever grateful
A special Thank You to Shannon Hilliard. You helped me edit, make teasers, promote and showed mad support. You also helped me through my moments of weakness, and I love you for it.
Thank you to all of the tagging community! You’ve helped me blend my love of designing, reading & writing into one beautiful world.
Thank you to everyone simply for putting up with my creative madness.
It wouldn’t be complete without a Thank You to my mother Sandy McBee.
I couldn’t even begin to list the things to thank you for, but we both know I’m a pain in the ass. I love you!
