My husband knew me so well. He could see the war going on inside my body — the struggle between what my head wanted and what my heart begged for. He also likely knew my heart wanted him.
“I don’t know.” I was being honest. At that point, I mostly felt numb, though I was sure anger and hurt would come in larger doses soon. Right now I didn’t want to yell, and I didn’t want to fight. I just wanted to leave and be alone. I felt more exhausted than I ever had, and it was an effort just to keep myself from collapsing.
“Would you stay if I asked you to?” He was leaning against the counter and staring intently at me, trying to maintain eye contact.
“No, I can’t be around you right now,” I choked out, emotion clouding my voice as the comforting numbness began to recede. Amazingly, the two warring parts of myself agreed on this point. My head didn’t want to be anywhere around him ever again, and although my heart craved his touch, it was in too much pain to stand being near him now.
Cameron’s hands — the hands that I loved, but had caressed another woman — moved up, and he scrubbed them roughly over his face.
“When will you leave?” he asked, his voice shaking.
“Now.” I turned the faucet back on and rinsed the last few plates before stacking them neatly in front of him. I wiped down the counter and swept the floor. Cameron leaned against the counter the whole time, silently watching me.
“I never meant to hurt you, Charlotte. I honestly love you, and if you’d just let me explain, I think — ”
“Don’t!” I almost yelled as I finally started to cry. “I can’t talk about this now.”
“We have to talk about this. I’m not going to let you just walk away from me…from us,” he yelled back, waving his arms emphatically. “If you would just stop and listen to me for two minutes — ”
“There’s no us left to talk about,” I replied, cutting him off. I was trying to stay calm, but my traitorous voice was shaking.
“Char!” he called, moving toward me.
He held his arms out, and I stumbled backward. I saw the hurt in his face when I wouldn’t allow him to comfort me, but I couldn’t believe he thought it was appropriate. Surely he could understand that his were the last arms I wanted around me right now.
“Char, please just listen to what I have to say,” he pleaded.
“I’m just going to get some more clothes.”
“No! You have to listen!” he protested, his voice rising.
“No, I don’t,” I shot back.
“I didn’t — ”
“Stop it!” I yelled, cutting him off.
“No, you will hear me!” he demanded, grabbing my arm and trying to hold me in place. “Lucy and I — ”
“Shut up!” I screamed, wrenching my arm from his grasp and stepping away from him.
He opened his mouth and looked as if he was going to protest again, but then he nodded sadly and went into the living room. I walked quickly to the bedroom, grabbed some clean underwear and a change of clothes, and shoved them roughly into my handbag. I took a quick glance around the room, but since Cameron had slept on the couch, it looked exactly as it had when I left the day before.
When I woke up yesterday morning, my life was in order and I was happy and in love. How things changed in just one short day.
I went back through the living room on my way out and found Cameron sitting in the same position he’d been in when I’d arrived this morning: slumped on the couch with a glass of amber liquid in his hand.
“Merry Christmas, Cam,” I said softly as I went to the front door.
His eyes snapped up to mine, and he gave me a hopeful smile. “Merry Christmas, baby.” He held his glass up to me in salute.
I wanted to smile at him. I wanted to hug him goodbye and promise that I’d see him soon. But as I looked at his face, my eyes focused on his lips, and all I could think about was those lips pressed against the lips of my supposed friend and bridesmaid at our wedding. I turned away quickly and pulled the door closed so he couldn’t see my pain anymore.
***
“Are you coming to breakfast?” Cameron asked softly.
I rolled over in bed, holding my cell phone tightly to my ear, relishing the husky sound of his voice. I was hurt and angry, but his voice had a calming effect on me.
“I don’t think so,” I replied with a long, sad sigh.
“I want you to. Everyone would want you there.”
Every year on the morning after Christmas, the entire Harper family had breakfast together. The tradition — a big meal, followed by a relaxing day of games and movies — started when the family was young and had carried over into Cameron’s adulthood. I always loved those breakfasts. There wasn’t the pressure of making everything perfect like on Christmas Day, but there was still excitement in the air.
“Tell them I’m not feeling well.” It was the truth, after all.
“I’ll just call and say we both can’t make it. They’ll ask fewer questions that way,” he sulked.
“No, you should go. Your family needs to find out that we… aren’t together anymore,” I stuttered, holding back tears. I heard Cameron grunt at the finality of my words.
I was overcome by a surge of anger. What right did he have to be hurt? His actions had ruined us. I was the one who’d had my life ripped out from under me and was now dealing with the consequences of his decisions. If he wanted Lucy so much, he should be happy I was out of the way. He was now free to be with her.
“Okay, I’ll go. I’ll miss you, though. It won’t feel right without you there.”
“Well, maybe you should have thought about that before…” I stopped, not able to end the sentence. I didn’t mean to lash out like that, but I hated his martyrdom and spoke before I’d thought it through. I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted to stay calm. I didn’t know if it was for me or for him, or for the life we’d had, but I didn’t want to break down within earshot of him.
Cameron remained silent, and I decided not to speak either. The silence, punctuated only by the steady rhythm of his breathing, lasted several minutes. When he finally spoke again, I wished he’d stayed silent.
“I truly am sorry, baby,” he whispered.
His apologies were meaningless. If he hadn’t wanted to hurt me, he wouldn’t have had an affair with my best friend.
“I’m going to go. Give Ellen a hug from me.”
I hung up without waiting to hear his response. As much as losing my husband had destroyed me, losing his family — my family — was almost as bad.
He didn’t try to call back.
I put my phone down and in the silence and loneliness of my childhood room, I cried. I cried for the loss of my mother and the woman I thought she was. I cried for my father and the pain he lived with after losing the love of his life and his best friend all in one moment. I cried for Ellen and how she would feel when she heard this news. I cried for David and the disappointment I knew he’d feel about his son’s actions. I cried for Ryan and the brotherly hugs I’d never have again. I cried for Sarah and the friendship we shared as the outsiders welcomed into the Harper family. I cried for Bonnie and how I’d never get to see her fall in love or graduate college. And finally, I cried for myself. I cried for the loss of my lover, the loss of my best friend, and the loss of my soul mate. I cried for the life Cameron and I should have shared. I cried for the children we’d never have and the home I’d never live in again. I cried for hours. I cried until there were no more tears.
Once my eyes were dry and my sobbing had slowed to deep breathing, I thought realistically about where my life was headed. Cameron had stolen my previous life from me, and I now had to build a new one from scratch.
At 10:30, I dragged myself out of bed with a new determination and decided it was time to be proactive. I walked downstairs and was relieved to see my dad wasn’t home. I hadn’t actually had the “breakup” conversation with him yet, and I didn’t feel like doing it today.
I rummaged around in the
garage for a few minutes before finally throwing my hands up in defeat. I was sure Dad had some packing boxes, but they were nowhere to be found. Instead I grabbed a box of large garbage bags and drove to the house I used to share with Cameron.
I sat in the driveway and looked at the house, remembering the day we’d moved in. While Ryan and my dad carried in most of the heavier furniture, I’d stood in the front yard and looked at the house in wonder. I remembered Cameron’s arms slipping around my waist from behind and his kiss on the side of my neck. I’d been sure that was the start of our happily ever after. Now when I looked at the house I saw broken promises and the life I’d cherished chopped into tiny pieces and scattered around the yard.
With a long sigh, I got out and let myself in. Cameron had indeed gone to his family breakfast and wasn’t here to try to stop me from packing. I scanned the living room for anything that belonged to me, but there wasn’t much. I lived with my parents right up until Cameron and I moved in together, and we’d bought everything for this house. Nothing was mine or his — it was all ours.
I went straight to the bedroom and found the sheets pulled back and still messy from his sleep the night before. The bedroom smelled like his cologne, and I took a deep breath, allowing the scent to permeate my senses. When I felt my throat tighten with unshed tears, I snapped myself out of it and walked quickly to the stereo, picking the loudest heavy metal album in our collection and turning it up to full volume to drown out my feelings.
I pulled open the closet and started throwing my clothes into a large pile on the bed. Once I emptied my side of the closet, I pulled everything out of my dresser drawers and moved on to the bathroom. I collected my makeup, shampoo, and body wash, dumping them unceremoniously on top of the clothes. I then moved to the bookcase and removed the photos of my family, the candles, and the books I’d accumulated during our marriage and dropped them all on the bed.
Even though I’d just done it, seeing all of Cameron’s things still in place while everything I owned was in a pile was like a slap in the face, a mockery of my self-worth, and I longed for this day to be over.
I was stunned at how easy it had been to remove my presence, as if I’d never been here in the first place. I suddenly felt the urge to be gone from the house as quickly as possible, so I shoved my belongings into the garbage bags, not caring what went where.
Once the bed was empty, I took one last look around and said a silent goodbye. I turned off the stereo and the instant quiet was eerie, making me feel even more alone. I carried the bags out to my trunk. Everything I owned fit into four garbage bags, and the pain in my chest increased as I realized how little of a life I had away from Cameron. Everything I was had become tied to him.
I walked back in to do a final walkthrough. I was leaving everything behind. I didn’t want our plasma television, I didn’t want the new leather sofa, and I didn’t want anything from him. He’d already stolen my happiness, and without that, without him, all the material possessions in the world meant nothing to me. I walked over to the dining table and slowly slipped my wedding and engagement rings off my finger, placing them in the center of the dark wood. I adjusted them so they were perfectly lined up, and without looking back, I walked out of the house.
***
“Come on, Charlotte. You haven’t come over in ages!” Ann whined into the phone.
Ann and I were barely more than acquaintances, but she was the only friend in my life who was completely separate from Cameron — now that Lucy was gone. So I was relying on her more than I ever had.
“I know. I’m sorry. I haven’t really been up to it,” I said.
The last few weeks had been rough on me. I moved back in with my dad and developed a safe rhythm of keeping busy. I continued my work as a babysitter for several of the police families in my dad’s precinct, and when I found myself around the house, I read and spent time on the computer, not allowing myself any time to dwell on my life as a twenty-three-year-old about to get a divorce. Cameron tried calling me over and over, but I never answered and hadn’t seen him since Christmas Day. He left voicemail messages begging me to talk to him, apologizing, and asking if I was all right, but I didn’t want to hear his excuses and hollow apologies, and I certainly didn’t want him to see how crushed I was.
I had created the perfect “happy mask” that I slipped on as soon as I crawled out of bed in the morning and never took off during the day. Nights were a different matter, though. I cried every night, and the only way I could eventually fall asleep was with the television on as background noise. The white noise helped stave off the Cameron dreams and allowed me some peaceful sleep.
After the shock of discovery had worn off, I realized I wasn’t even surprised by Cameron’s actions. My mother had done it, so it stood to reason that the same thing could happen to anyone, including me. “You need to get your mind off that douchebag, soon-to-be ex-husband of yours and start living your life again,” Ann insisted.
I knew she was right. I really wanted to forget all about Cameron and move on. I knew I was young enough to start over and pretend — if I wanted to — that I’d never been married at all.
“Okay, I’ll come over and watch a movie, but I’m not staying late,” I agreed half-heartedly.
“Great, can you grab some orange juice on your way over? I want to make cocktails!”
***
An hour later, I was at the grocery store on my way to Ann’s house. I strolled through the aisles, enjoying the mundane activity. In the past few weeks, I hadn’t done any of my normal tasks. I’m embarrassed to say I’d gone back to letting my dad take care of me, so being in the grocery store was a novelty. I could almost pretend I was just like all these other people, not the broken husk of a person I felt like.
As I approached the refrigerated section, I glanced down one of the aisles and saw Cameron. I froze. Part of me wanted to say hello, and part of me wanted to run. The decision was made for me, however, when Lucy came around the corner carrying a box of cereal and placed it in the cart in front of Cameron. Then I watched in horror as she leaned in and kissed him on the lips. It was so casual, like she’d done it a million times before and expected to do it a million more. My heart was in a vice, right there in the cereal aisle, and I stood frozen, trying to catch my breath.
I was torn out of my trance when Cameron glanced over his shoulder and saw me staring at them. A huge smile spread over his face, then vanished as he looked quickly at Lucy, then back to me.
“Shit!” he said, loudly enough for me to hear from the other end of the aisle.
I turned and walked away as fast as I could, pushing past some people waiting at the checkouts and racing out the doors.
“Charlotte! Charlotte, wait!” I heard from behind me. “I’m sorry you saw that.”
I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t talk to him and watch his lips moving — lips I’d just seen kissing another woman. I approached my car and dug furiously through my bag for my keys.
“Fuck!” I threw my bag onto the hood of the car and rifled through it frantically. I couldn’t find my keys anywhere, and there was nowhere for me to hide from him as he approached.
“I’ve been calling. How…how are you?” Cameron asked as he ran up to the car, breathing heavily from chasing me.
“I haven’t answered your calls because there’s nothing to say, and I would appreciate if you’d stop calling,” I replied curtly as I pulled every item out of my bag and placed it on the hood of the car. The keys weren’t there. I sighed in frustration.
Not being able to find my keys was the last straw, and I allowed myself to feel the anger that had been bubbling inside me for the past four weeks.
“So are you with her now?” I spat, making eye contact with him for the first time.
“No, not really,” he replied, looking at the ground.
“What does that mean?” I hastily pushed everything back into my bag and leaned against the car. I felt something hard in my pocket against the metal of th
e door and remembered shoving my keys in there when I walked into the store. I pulled them out and heaved a sigh of relief.
“It means that no matter what’s going on between Lucy and me, you’re the one I want,” he said meekly, shoving his hands in his pants pockets.
“You were picking out cereal together, Cam. Cereal. She’s obviously spending the night.”
I folded my arms across my chest and waited for him to reply. He didn’t. He just stared at me apologetically, and I felt the fury rise again like bile in my throat. I allowed the rage to boil for a moment before I noticed people staring at us from their cars. I gritted my teeth and forced my anger back down.
“Cam, I don’t want to see you again. Ever.”
I heard the coldness in my voice and was shocked at how even and calm I sounded. I unlocked my car and sat down inside.
He yelled, “Fine!” just as I slammed the door and started the car.
I knew he didn’t really mean “fine.” The pain on his face and the desperation in his voice led me to believe he meant the exact opposite, but I wasn’t going to challenge him.
As I drove off I saw Lucy walk out of the store with an angry look on her face, and I accelerated to get away from them faster. Before I left the parking lot, I glanced into my rear-view mirror and saw Cameron watching me drive away. His shoulders were slumped, and his hands were buried in his hair, but I wasn’t turning back. I was beyond hurt now. I was done.
Chapter Three
All Around Me
“How does it feel to be home?” Owen asked, stroking my thigh softly.
I sighed and looked out the car window, focusing on the trees and fluffy white clouds flying by, not the buildings and houses. They were certainly familiar, but also painful. I associated everything in Fairfield, Connecticut, with him.
After the confrontation in the grocery store, I’d packed up and left town in a hurry. I hadn’t seen or spoken with Cameron since. I’d moved to Boston and tried to start my life over. I changed my name back to Charlotte Barnes, and within twelve months of leaving Fairfield, the divorce was final. My father had liaised between us for the divorce proceedings so there was no face-to-face contact needed. I was eternally grateful to my dad for understanding my need for space.
Pieces of Us Page 4
