“I loved you so much, Charlotte. Do you know how hard it was for me to see you in so much pain and not be able to help you? You grew more and more distant, and no matter what I tried to do to connect with you, you’d resist. It was like I could see your trust in me fading.”
I nodded, acknowledging that everything he said was true. I remembered him holding me as I cried, rocking me as I fell into restless sleep, and always being there. I also remembered my emotional detachment, my withdrawal from our physical relationship, and my telling him I was fine — to stop fussing over me. I had pushed him away, and that realization was terrifying. Looking back, I knew it was because if my mother could do that to my father, I thought Cameron could it to me. So I distanced myself, putting up walls to protect my heart.
A sinking sensation settled in my stomach as he continued to speak.
“I was lost, hopeless and desperate to make a connection with you, but you didn’t even notice. I didn’t need you to support me, but I did need you to let me support you. I was convinced you didn’t want me anymore, that you didn’t need me around and had fallen out of love with me — ”
I gasped loudly, cutting off his speech.
Cameron looked down at the ground, ashamed. “Nothing I’ve said is an excuse for what happened. I’m not trying to make excuses. What I did was very wrong, and I know that, but this is how I was feeling.”
“You thought I wasn’t in love with you anymore?” I asked as I grasped his hand.
“Yes,” he whispered, his eyes on the ground. He squeezed my hand tightly.
“Cam,” I cried as I slipped off the log and sat in the dirt with him. “I never stopped loving you. Never.” I wanted to show him he was wrong, to prove I’d still loved him, but I couldn’t think of a single example to give him.
We stared into each others’ eyes for a moment, and all the things Cameron had said rolled around in my head. The sinking feeling in my stomach now rose to my chest. I doubled over, hugging myself again.
“Charlotte, what is it?” He placed his hand on my shoulder.
Suddenly Cameron’s words from yesterday afternoon made sense. What we’d talked about had changed nothing; he’d still cheated, but it had also changed everything. I finally understood.
“I drove you away. The affair was my fault,” I whispered as tears ran down my cheeks.
Chapter Eight
The Safe Coffin
He was right. I’d pushed him away, over and over. I’d been there for my father as much as I could, but I’d neglected my husband. And I never really let him back in after that. I was too afraid of how much he was capable of hurting me.
“No! Charlotte, no!” Cameron took both of my trembling hands in his. “The betrayal was completely my fault. You needed me to be there for you, and I wasn’t. I should have been there, even when you pushed me away. I should have stayed. There’s no excuse for my behavior.”
I was sure he meant the words he was saying, but they didn’t change our situation. Cameron had tried to support me, and I’d pushed him to the point where he didn’t even believe I loved him anymore.
“Charlotte, say something,” he begged.
“I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. I was the one who went to Lucy.”
At the mention of Lucy’s name, the guilt I was feeling dried up. How could I have forgotten about her? No matter what I did to him, no matter how hard I’d pushed him away, he shouldn’t have sought out my best friend.
“Lucy,” I said, my voice cold and hard as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. I moved away from him, standing up and ripping my hands from his.
He sighed and leaned against the log with his knees bent. “Do you want to know about her? My association with her is not what you think it was.”
I balked at the word “association.” It was too cold a term for an act of such intimacy.
I turned to face him. “I’ve come this far.” I knew I needed to hear this, but I was terrified of the emotional ramifications.
Cameron nodded and patted the ground next to him, but I shook my head and sat on the log, as far from him as I could get. He gave me a sad smile.
“Lucy was…a distraction. She wanted me and made me feel needed. She was someone to talk to, someone to listen who wouldn’t push me away. That’s all she was — wh-where are you going?” he asked as I stood up, brushed the dirt off my jeans, and started back into the trees.
“I thought I was here to listen to your version of what happened between us,” I said, turning back to glare at him, my arms over my chest. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to your lies.”
“I’m not lying!” Cameron protested, scrambling to his feet and coming toward me.
“You chose her over me!” I threw my arms up in the air. My voice echoed around the trees and Cameron looked at me, shocked. “You stood in front of me, while we were still married, and told me you cared about her. You can’t tell me now that she didn’t mean anything to you!”
Cameron sighed and ran his hands through his hair, tugging on it before pacing through the clearing. His face fell into shadow as moved under the trees.
“I never wanted her more than I wanted you… I was so confused.” He sighed. “She gave me something I needed, something I craved, something I wasn’t getting from you. I loved that she needed me. I loved that she made me feel wanted, but I never loved her. I’ve only ever loved you. Does that make sense?”
I slowly walked back to the log and sat down.
“You cared about her enough to throw me away.”
“I honestly never meant it to go as far as it did. But it really wasn’t what you seem to think it was. It was not a sexual relationship…until after you left.”
He took a deep breath and sat down next to me. “You were growing further away from me every day, and I tried to talk to you about it. I wanted to make you trust me again. But over the weeks you remained distant, and you even stopped saying you loved me. At night I’d reach out to hold you in bed and you’d shrug me off, as if you didn’t even want to touch me. Do you know how painful that was? One night I went for a walk down by the harbor, and I ran into Lucy. We sat on the sand and talked for hours. I cried, and she was there for me. I told her how I missed you and how I didn’t know how to make you love me again. I shared my pain, and it made me feel better. It made me feel close to her. That night we shared a kiss. It was one kiss, Char, nothing more than that, I swear. And after that kiss I felt sick. I couldn’t believe I’d done it, and I never wanted it to happen again.”
I stopped myself from blocking my ears and singing LALALALALA in my head until he stopped talking.
“You remained so isolated, and the guilt I felt from kissing Lucy just grew,” he continued. “But I swear, apart from that one kiss it was only an emotional relationship. I never let it become sexual…until after you moved out.” He looked down at the ground, and I could tell he was ashamed.
“Emotional betrayal is so much worse than physical…so much more hurtful,” I said, trying my best to hold in my tears.
Cameron didn’t say anything more; he just looked down at the ground.
“I don’t think I can listen to any more right now,” I told him, standing again.
“There’s still so much you don’t know. Everything that happened after you left, how I ended it with her, and how my family reacted… Please, you have to hear the whole story before you can understand.”
“I can’t. You have no idea what it does to me, what it’s doing to me right now, listening to you. This hurts me more than you can know.”
I swiped the drops from my face with my sleeve. “I have to go home. I can’t listen to any more tonight,” I said and began to move away from him, back toward my car. The moonlight cast eerie shadows through the trees, and I watched as the silvery light danced over my skin.
“Don’t you want to hear the rest?”
“I need some time to process everything you’ve said. This is a lot to take in.
” I could hear Cameron following me. “I’m so sorry I pushed you away. I never meant to hurt you,” I said softly as I reached the cars.
“And I never meant to hurt you.”
“You were right,” I said, turning and giving him a weak smile.
He cocked his head to the side.
“What you told me changes everything I thought I knew, and yet nothing between us has changed. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk again,” I explained before turning and closing the remaining distance to my car alone.
I got in and started the engine but didn’t drive away. I sat in the car and cried. I’d been wrong about so many things, and the truth was much more bitter than I’d been expecting. This was almost as painful as when the wounds were fresh.
I looked up to see Cameron getting into his car. He stopped and gave me a wave and a smile. He fucking smiled.
Rage boiled inside me. The crushing defeat I’d been feeling dissolved when I saw his smile. He smiled at me like everything was fixed between us now, like I’d forgiven him. He was wrong.
I opened the car door and ran, almost falling over my own feet as I raced across to his car.
“Don’t act like everything is okay with us!”
“Huh?”
“Just because I was distant doesn’t justify you sneaking around with my best friend! You broke me, Cameron! You broke me!”
“I’m sorry,” he said, reaching out to pull me into a hug.
“No!” I screamed, pushing his arms away. “You can’t touch me! You have no right to touch me!”
Cameron’s mouth fell open, and he flinched as if I’d struck him.
I hated myself for crying, but I couldn’t stop. I stumbled back and leaned against Cameron’s car for support.
He stayed a few feet away, for which I was grateful.
“You have to forgive me,” he whispered.
My eyes shot up to meet his. “And why do I have to do that?”
“Because we’re meant to be together, Char. You can’t deny that!” he said, thoroughly convinced.
“We aren’t meant to do anything. Do you understand what you did to us? You completely destroyed any chance for us to be together ever again. You lied to me and snuck around behind my back, even after what happened with my parents. Can’t you see that I’m not capable of trusting you now? Do you take this seriously at all?”
“You won’t understand until you hear the rest of what I have to say. Do you want to hear it?” He offered a tentative hand to me.
“No! I’m going home!” I pushed myself off his car and walked back around to mine.
“I’ll be here when you’re ready to listen. I’m sorry I’m still hurting you.”
I looked over, saw his crushed, defeated body language, and almost gave in. I almost walked back over and told him it was okay, that I was as much to blame as he was, and it would all work out for the best. But I didn’t.
He deserved to suffer the way I’d suffered, and as immature as it was, part of me was happy to see him crushed. With one final look, I opened my car door and was about to climb inside when I heard him say the words I couldn’t handle hearing right then.
“I love you,” he said.
My anger flared again. “Don’t you say that to me! Don’t you dare say that!” I slammed the door and drove out of the clearing as quickly as I could.
I cried all the way home — great heaving gasps that echoed in the car. I drove past the “Welcome to Fairfield” sign and slowed as I turned down the main street. I wiped my eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm myself.
At home I parked the car and crept into the house. I took a shower so hot that steam filled the bathroom and my skin was pink when I got out. I changed slowly into pajamas and climbed into bed. I was on autopilot, going through the motions but not really experiencing anything.
I pulled the blankets over my head and tried to block out Cameron’s words. I didn’t want to think about how all this had been partly my fault. I didn’t want to think about the hurtful words I’d said to him, and I certainly didn’t want to think about the three words he’d said before I left.
In the safety of my bed, my reaction in the forest now seemed a bit extreme, and I felt a little guilty for yelling at Cameron. What he’d said had hurt me. I was honestly surprised that he hadn’t cheated on me physically, but emotional betrayal was just as bad, I told myself. Though maybe I just wanted to feel less guilty about not listening to him all those years ago.
I decided to make myself a safe place where thoughts of Cameron weren’t allowed. I lay on the bed and straightened out my arms and legs. I imagined I was lying on a warm, soft cushion, and I added walls around the cushion: one above my head, one below my feet, and one on either side. Then I lowered a roof onto my safe box and smiled.
I lay in my imaginary safe box for a few moments, feeling quite relaxed until a disturbing thought crossed my mind: I’d put myself in a coffin.
I shook my head. Was that how I saw a life without Cameron? A death sentence? I pulled Owen’s pillow over from the other side of the bed and clutched it tightly to my chest, letting out a long sigh.
I closed my eyes and thought of all my favorite memories of Owen: the night I came home and found him standing in the rain with flowers, the first time we made love, when he asked me to marry him, and our trip to Italy last year. I slowly calmed, and my breathing regulated as I drifted off to sleep.
***
Bang! Bang! Bang!
My eyes flew open, and I rolled over. Owen was lying in bed next to me with the same shocked expression on his face I was sure was on mine. He had dark circles under his eyes and looked exhausted. He’d driven through the night and arrived at two in the morning so we could spend the whole day together today and go to Hartford to look for houses. A few days had passed since my confrontation with Cameron in the forest, and I still hadn’t made much sense of things. I was grateful to have Owen here now to help me keep everything in perspective.
“Where is she, Michael?” I heard from downstairs. I groaned, recognizing the voice.
I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and I pulled the blanket up over our heads in an attempt to hide.
“What’s going on?” Owen asked.
I was about to answer when there was a soft knock on the bedroom door.
“Char?” my dad called through the door. “Bonnie is here to see you.”
“Charlotte Grace Barnes! Get out of that bed right now!” Bonnie yelled from downstairs.
Owen threw off the blankets and sat up. “Who the hell is that?”
“My friend Bonnie,” I said carefully, getting out of bed and putting on my robe. “I’ll go see what she wants.”
I followed my father downstairs where I found Bonnie in the living room, hands on her hips, foot tapping impatiently.
“Hello, Bonnie.”
“Hello, Bonnie? After five years that’s all you have to say to me?” she asked incredulously.
I tapped my chin in faux thought and gave her a smile. “Yep, that’s it!”
“Ah, I’ve missed you!” Bonnie said, laughing and launching herself at me. She hugged me tightly, all signs of anger gone.
“I’ve missed you too!”
“When Mom said she saw you, I couldn’t believe it. You’re not so great at answering the phone, so I had to just come over,” Bonnie said raising her eyebrows pointedly.
“Well, you could’ve tried calling,” I said with a scowl. But she did have a point. “And I’ve been a little overwhelmed with Harpers the last few days. I ran into Ellen in the grocery store, and Ryan was here for my dad’s policemen party — ”
“Wait! Ryan saw you before I did?” she shrieked, anger flashing in her eyes.
“Uh, yeah,” I said, trying to hide my smile.
I looked her over. Bonnie’s hair was darker and shorter, and her makeup was less intense than it had been when she was nineteen. Even though she was apparently just as spoiled as I remembered, I still loved her.
/>
“How do you know Ryan?” Owen asked, suddenly appearing behind me.
I cringed. Poor Owen had been face to face with too many Harpers already.
“He’s my brother. Is that okay with you?” Bonnie asked with more than a little attitude.
Owen shook his head and kissed my temple. “I’m going to take a shower,” he said, heading back upstairs.
Once Owen had left the room, I slapped her shoulder playfully. “Be nice to him, please!”
She rolled her eyes dramatically. “Yeah, yeah, Mom told me the deal. We all have to be nice to the new guy.”
“His name is Owen, and if you gave him a chance you’d see he’s a really good guy.” I smoothed my hair and pulled my robe tighter around me.
“I don’t care if he’s Jesus reincarnated. You belong with my brother. You know it, I know it, and even the new guy knows it,” Bonnie said, smiling.
“Just butt out of it, Bonnie,” I said, my tone bordering on rude. I was sick of being told who I should be with. I was more than capable of making my own decisions.
“So, what are we going to do today?” Bonnie asked, sitting on the edge on the couch.
“Well, I don’t know what you’re doing, but Owen and I are going to look at houses in Hartford.”
She pouted and folded her arms across her chest. “You can look at houses anytime. Why don’t we spend the day catching up?”
“Owen made a special trip from Boston to spend time with me. Why don’t you and I catch up later in the week?”
Bonnie sighed dramatically and stood up.
“Fine. Saturday afternoon. You and me, lunch at the diner.”
I nodded and gave her a hug. “I’ll see you there. Now, you better take off before Owen comes back.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m still not happy about the new guy,” she said as she headed out the door.
Not long after I went back upstairs, Owen reappeared with wet hair, wearing old sweat pants and a T-shirt.
“Is she gone?” He looked around as if she might jump out from behind the closet door.
“Yes. Sorry about that. I guess Ellen told her I was in town.”
Pieces of Us Page 13
