by Kailin Gow
I run to him and envelop him in a hug.
“But – I don’t understand,” I say. “They said Roni had you. I thought Roni…”
My father holds me tight. He strokes my hair. He whispers comforting words into my ear. “I’m so sorry, Staci,” he says. There are tears in his eyes. “I had no idea of the danger I put you in. I had no idea about any of it. I was so worried about you…I had to go into hiding…I wanted to tell you where I was but I was afraid knowing anything would put you in more danger. People might try to hurt you to get to me. I should never have come into your life like this, Staci. I should have stayed away. But the second I found out I’d had a daughter – a daughter that my own family had been hiding from me your whole life – I had to see you. Even if it meant…all of this.”
“Daddy…” Tears spring to my eyes. He loves me, too; I can trust him, too. The world is slowly righting itself again.
Then I catch a whiff of something. A sweet, beautiful smell. The smell that always makes me weak at the knees. A perfume that reminds me of the most wonderful woman in the world, my great love…
“Rita?”
I whirl around.
Standing before me is a girl with long blonde hair, with Rita’s lips, Rita’s nose.
But not Rita’s eyes. Not Rita’s hair color, which was dark. At first I thought it was Rita in disguise as a blonde, but now…
“Rita?” I whisper, for a second time. But this time my voice falters. This girl – who looks so much like Rita – isn’t Rita at all.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “My name is Gina.”
Then Gina isn’t Rita, after all?
I whirl back around to Xander. “I – I don’t understand,” I say. “I thought…”
“I should probably explain myself,” says Gina. “I work for Xander Blue. I always have. Well, not always. I used to work for Roni Taylor. I was part of her scheme, too. Blackmailing, secrets, the usual trade. It was a way to make a living, I guess, and I didn’t feel bad bilking billionaires with more money than sense out of both those things. But Xander found out about me, what I was doing. He gave me another chance: the opportunity to turn myself around. He asked if I’d work as a double-agent: working for him instead of Roni. Now, Roni was a bit of an…unstable employer, to say the least. I’d already become suspicious of her. Afraid that once I’d outlived my usefulness to her, she’d get rid of me. So I was only too glad to have a way out. When Roni saw your father on the premises of the Blue Room, she recognized me. Ordered me to spy on him: what he wanted with you. Originally we thought he was just a patron. But the truth…Xander told me to spy, too. But with a different motive. Keeping your father safe. So when I “kidnapped” your father for Roni, I actually took him to a location to which I already had access, and the key. I took photos of your father, sent them to Roni as “proof’ of what I’d done. And Roni never even realized that your father had been safe all along. But I didn’t want it getting out that I was a double-agent. That was too dangerous. So I used the identity of a woman I’d impersonated before – often taking over her bookings when Rita was double-booked. I became Rita. This was useful, too, because it made people think Rita was still alive. Made them wonder. Made the killers angsy so they’ll make their move. Also, it helped us keep our plan secret.”
“Then Rita…”
So Rita wasn’t still alive, after all, masquerading as Gina. That hope – my last hope – was gone.
“I’m so sorry, Staci,” says Xander. He gathers me into his arms, kissing me deeply.
“She can’t be dead…” I say. The tears come once more. “She was just pretending. She was just pretending to be dead…wasn’t she? Wasn’t she?”
So that was the end to the Rita mystery, all along. She was dead. She’d always been dead.
My tears fall to the floor.
Chapter 7
So, Rita is dead. Gone. Buried – maybe – I don’t know – but certainly vanished. But that can’t be right. I keep going over that knowledge in my mind, trying to make sense of everything I’ve heard. If Rita was dead, then who did Terrence go see at the Malibu rehab clinic? His “Virginia’ whom he went to visit? There are more and more layers of truth here. The Blue Room is like an onion, I think. There are always more layers. And every cut makes you cry.
I have to have some answers.
I call up Terrence. I feel embarrassed, talking to him, after what happened in Vegas. He looked so hurt, storming out like that. So unhappy. And I hate causing him pain.
I think about Terrence for a while, standing, looking out the window of my new suite. He wasn’t a fantasy, not like Mr. X. He didn’t spoil me – take me to his beach house – cook me dinner – buy me dresses – watch the waves with me. None of that. He was real. We were real. United not by a fantasy, not by a fiction of patron and Blue Girl, but by our mutual desire. The sex we shared was always white-hot, electric. Two bodies desiring one another so badly that we could not let anything stand in our way. Two bodies, becoming one. We would laugh together, Terrence and I. We’d talk. We were just people. Not a patron and a client. Not Mr. X. – or Mr. O., for that matter – but just us.
Was I being too hasty, running into Mr. X’s arms?
I’m not sure. I’d loved Xander so much – fallen for him so deeply. But right now the world of Xander Blue seems a whole universe away. And my heart aches for Terrence.
He answers the phone within two rings.
“Hey,” I say. “It’s me. Can we talk?”
I hear silence on the other end of the line. I know what he’s thinking. Wondering if he could ever bring himself to see me again. I have to admit it; I understand. It’s pretty damn hard to fall in love with somebody. It’s pretty damn hard to lose them. And maybe just seeing me will cause him pain.
“It’s about Virginia,” I say.
I can hear an exhalation of breath on the other line. Is it relief – we don’t have to talk about Us – or disappointment – I haven’t shown up to tell him that he’s the one that I want to be with, that he’s the one I love.
“Oh,” he says. His voice betrays little. Maybe even nothing. “Okay. I understand. Meet me on the Blue Beach. You know where that is, right?”
Figures, I think. The Blues own everything in this town. Why wouldn’t they own a section of beach as well.
I meet Terrence on the beach. The summer sun is shining down on him, and when I see him shirtless, in his swimwear, I allow myself an involuntary gasp. He looks good. I can’t deny it. Terrence is one of the sexiest, the most attractive men I’ve ever seen. His muscles are extraordinary. Every single one of them ripples. My body reacts to his, the way it always does: with a powerful flush of arousal. Even after having “chosen” Xander, my body seems to have other ideas about what it wants.
But I’m not here to talk about Us. Not right now. Right now, I’m here to talk about Rita.
I tell Terrence what Alexander told me about Rita, about Gina, about how the two of them assumed one another’s identities for a time.
“When did you last see Rita?” I ask. “I mean, that you was sure it was her.”
“A couple of months ago,” he says. “When I first got kicked off the staff and board of the Blue Room. I went out to the clinic to talk to her. But she still couldn’t talk to me. Her head was still all bandaged up so I couldn’t see her face.”
“And you’re sure it was her?”
“I don’t know – what do you mean?”
“It couldn’t have been Gina pretending to be Virginia?”
“Why would she do that?”
“I don’t know. To keep us off the track. To hide her own identity?”
“I mean…” Terrence wrinkles his brow. “Maybe. I mean – her face was all bandaged up…I couldn’t see her. I just assumed, I mean. Why would someone send in a body double to impersonate a dead girl? Who would do such a crazy thing?”
“Then the Center – they could have lied to me about Rita dying. To get me off the track, too. When Gin
a wanted to leave, they had to make an excuse somehow…”
Terrence sighs, putting his head in his hands. “I don’t know,” he says. “It would be a cruel thing to do – a really cruel thing to do – to everyone who loved her. I know Xander owns part of the Center, and he has sway over the staff. I guess he could have said – he could have instructed them to say certain things to visitors looking for her so she can remain safe. But it’s still such a cruel thing to do. I know Xander is ruthless in business, but this…” He closes his eyes. I can see the pain on his face. “She can’t be dead,” he says. “She just can’t be. I keep thinking this must be one of Rita’s tricks, one of her schemes to stay safe. But…”
The tears roll down his face. I lean in. I dry them.
Terrence might be the only person in the whole world who knows how I’m feeling right now. Even Xander doesn’t understand my relationship with Rita, how strong it was and is, how she was the most important person in my life. Even Xander doesn’t understand how nobody matters to me the way Rita does. Or did.
But Terrence gets it. Terrence knows.
I can feel the sting at my eyes. Terrence is crying, too.
And then we are in one another’s arms, just the two of us, just me and Terrence, sharing something that is more raw, more honest, than any fantasy, than any sex, than any dream of love. This is just two people – just me, just him – bonded by the grief of losing the woman we both loved. That’s all this is. That’s all we are. And our loss galvanizes us, yes, but we will not let it destroy us. We will stay together. We are clinging to one another like two drowning men. As if one of us can save the other. As if we will both not just drown. We are clinging to one another so tightly, so desperately…
How much did Rita go through – for my sake? How much did she risk to protect me from Gloria Tannenbaum? And did she make the ultimate sacrifice – for me, who never deserved it, who doesn’t deserve any of this? For me – I was a nobody, once. Now it is my name on everybody’s lips. Now it is my name everyone is saying. And I can’t take the responsibility. I can’t take the pressure.
“She was such a special girl,” Terrence takes me in his arms. Holding me as a friend, not a lover. “She meant so much to me. She was smart and resourceful. But she knew what she was doing. She knew the risks she was taking – working as a PI for your dad, working undercover at the Blue Room for Xander. She knew the danger she’d be in. She saw what fear of the Tannenbaums did to your mother, after all….”
All my life…so much danger. And everybody seems to have known about it but me. I never knew, that whole time I was growing up, how much chaos and danger my own mother faced. So much fear. She gave up everything for me: all her dreams, all her opportunities. For me, the daughter whose birth had cost her so much.
It’s almost a shame that Gloria Tannenbaum is dead, I think. It means I’ll never get the revenge on her I wanted. It means I won’t get to consider killing her myself.
“Terrence,” I whisper. “Is it really over?” I don’t even know what I’m asking. “Am I safe now?”
He sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t know, Staci,” he admits. “I know we know who hurt Rita now. But Roz’s killer is still out there. And even if we have Roni in custody – we don’t know who is involved with the blackmail scheme at the Blue Room. So much rides on who knows about you: who you are, what you know, what you do. You have to be very careful, now. Don’t let Roni being taken away lull you into a false sense of security.”
“I know it’s wrong,” I admit. “But right now all I want is revenge. All I want to do is get back at those men and women who made my mother’s life a waking nightmare all those years”
Terrence smiles sadly.
“What is it?”
“They say the best revenge is living well,” he says.
“What are you talking about?”
“Become a Tannenbaum, Staci. Go public. Admit who you are. Gloria’s dead; she can’t touch you any longer. Admit who you are, get your father to publicly admit your identity and a status as the Tannenbaum heiress, and change things. Finally change things around here. That’s what we’re all trying to do: me and Xander and Danny. We’re trying to undo the evils wrought by our forefathers. Clarence and Roni – particularly Clarence under Roni’s influence – did so many terrible things. They made so many enemies. They burned a lot of bridges. But you can build them up again. You have that power.”
Me – power? I’d never thought of it that way before. Ever since I first found out about being the Tannenbaum heir, my feelings had all been of anger. Why me? Why do I have these responsibilities – I don’t want them! Why force me into this? All I’d wanted was to not be the Tannenbaum heiress. To get a quiet life far away from all this turmoil. But now, for the first time, I start to see that my wealth, my name, could make a real difference in the world. I have real potential. I have real power. And that realization is intoxicating to me.
“Thank goodness someone finally reined Roni in,” I say to Terrence. “I promise you – when I’m able to help with the Tannenbaum name – I’ll do what I can to undo some of the damage she’s done. But first, I need to talk to my father. I need to figure out when it’s all going to happen. And how.”
I turn to leave. But Terrence holds onto my hand.
“Are you serious about Xander?” he asks me.
It’s such a sudden question. My jaw drops.
“What do you mean?”
“Are you with him now?”
“I…don’t know.”
“Do you want to be?”
“I don’t know.”
Earlier today, that’s all I wanted. But something about standing on the beach like this with Terrence, away from all the fantasy, makes Xander feel very far away right now.
“Look, Staci.” He takes a deep breath. “I know…look, I know I’m not as suave as Xander. I’m not polished. I’m rough around the edges. But Staci…” He holds my hands tighter. “I’m growing and learning every day. Just like you. And I want to share that with you. That growing. That learning. That screwing up. Xander – he’s a grown man. And I know he loves you. But you and me – we’re so young. Both of us. Together…
“And I love you, Staci. I can’t stand being without you. And I swear to you, Staci, whenever you’re gone or there’s a moment I’m not with you, I’m going crazy missing you. I don’t want or need anyone else. No more girls, no more booze, no more drugs. Meeting you has helped fill this void I’ve had all these years.”
He pauses, touching my face tenderly. “I need to know how you feel about me, Staci. I know – I know things started as a casual fling with us…but…if you would just give me a chance, just one chance, for a real relationship, outside the Blue Room, I will give you everything I have. I will give you everything I am. I will give you all of me. You already have it, Staci. All of me. Including my heart.”
I’m shocked. I knew Terrence had feelings for me – but love? He’s never talked like this the way Xander has.
“I…wow,” I try to process things. “I love being with you. You know that.” Damn it, Staci, say I love you back… “I love how you make me feel. I mean – the sex – but not just the sex. But outside the sex – what do we even have? I don’t know. I’ve been playing a role for so long I’ve forgotten how to deal with my real feelings…”
“What if we were outside the Blue Room,” Terrence says. “And you’d just met me for the first time. What would you think then?”
I hardly know the answer.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I’d be attracted to you.” Definitely. “And then I’d find out you were slacking on the job, sleeping with co-workers. Being pretty irresponsible.” I smile at him. He smiles too.
“I know I have a lot of growing up to do,” Terrence says. “But I still want you. And love you. Even if you leave the Blue Room – Staci – please….don’t leave me. I want us to be together. You make me believe I can be a better man. A good employee. A good boyfriend. Maybe one day
a good husband, a good father.”
He kisses me. It’s not electric. Not a fantasy kiss full of passion. But a gentle, soft kiss: full of real, human warmth.
I realize it’s the first time I’ve been kissed as myself: Staci Atussi. Not a Blue Girl.
“You already are that man, Terrence,” I tell him. “You just need to believe it. Stop playing your role. The playboy bad boy. That’s a fantasy, too.”
I kiss him back.
“I have to go now,” I say.
“But is that goodbye?”
And as I look him in the face, I know what my answer is.
“No,” I say. “It’s not goodbye.”
I leave him standing on the beach under the slanting rays of the setting sun.
Chapter 8
The next few days pass by in a whirlwind.
On the first day, my father gives an official press conference. I stand at his side. He announces to the media that I, Staci Atussi – soon to be Staci Atussi Tannenbaum, as soon as the paperwork clears – am his long-lost daughter: the result of a relationship with Genevieve Atussi, the only woman he ever really loved. He says that “unfortunate factors” prevented him from realizing my existence earlier – he’s tactful about what those factors were, and leaves Gloria Tannenbaum out of it entirely.
“It is an honor to bequeath my empire to this wonderful young woman,” he says, grinning. Patting me on the shoulder. Like he’s been my dad my whole life, instead of a few short weeks. “I know she will carry on the Tannenbaum family name. She makes me proud to be a Tannenbaum again.”
I know what he does not say. How ashamed he was of his family after learning the truth about Gloria Tannenbaum and what she did. How this is the first time in a long time he’s not ashamed to be who he is.
My mother is in the audience, too, smiling up at him. Her hair has started to grow back, now, and a stylish short cut is hidden with an Hermes scarf. Something my father has bought her, no doubt.
I smile for the cameras. I’ve learned some tricks from Mrs. Walters, after all. I’ve learned the importance of being able to pose for photographs, looking cool as a cucumber under pressure. These are the skills I practice now. I smile and nod as the flashbulbs go off in my face. I try to stay collected. This is my new identity now. It may not be a fantasy, but it is certainly a role. I am the prodigal princess, the long-lost daughter, the heiress to a great fortune. I am Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday meets Katharine Hepburn in The Philadelphia Story. I am not myself any longer. Even my name – Staci Tannenbaum – will be different now. Even my name will set me apart from the Staci Atussi I have been.
