by Hope Edelman
Hermes, Patricia. You Shouldn’t Have to Say Goodbye (1982). Thirteen-year-old Sarah, a gymnast, is having an uneventful year at school until her mother is diagnosed with cancer. In the remaining months they have together, Sarah’s mother tries to prepare her daughter for her death. Ages 9 and up.
Johnston, Julie. In Spite of Killer Bees (2002). Aggie, Jeannie, and Helen Quade, ages fourteen to twenty-two, are orphans who receive an inheritance from a grandfather they never knew. To receive it, however, they have to live in his dilapidated house with an eccentric great-aunt and learn how to work through their conflicts. Ages 12 and up.
Kimmel, Elizabeth Cody. In the Stone Circle (2001). A motherless girl and her widowed father move into a 16th-century Welsh house for the summer. They’re joined by a family struggling to cope with a divorce, and a mysterious young female ghost who needs their help. Ages 9 and up.
Kline, Christina Baker. Sweet Water (1993). Cassie, a twenty-five-year-old artist who was only three when she lost her mother under mysterious circumstances, inherits a house in rural Tennessee near her mother’s family. The story is told in alternating chapters by Cassie and her maternal grandmother, who knows the details of the mother’s tragic death. Ages 13 and up.
Leonard, Alison. Tina’s Chance (1988). Tina sets out to discover the truth about the mother who died when she was two. From her Aunt Louise, a lesbian, she discovers that her mother died of a disease she has a 50 percent chance of inheriting. Ages 13 and up.
MacLachlan, Patricia. Sarah, Plain and Tall (reprinted 1987). Jacob and Anna, two motherless children on the Midwestern prairie, meet a potential new stepmother when their father places an advertisement in a New England newspaper, looking for a bride. Made into a 1991 TV movie with Glenn Close as Sarah. Ages 8 and up.
Marvin, Isabel. A Bride for Anna’s Papa (1994). Twelve-year-old Anna and her nine-year-old brother Matti try to arrange for a mail-order bride for their father in 1907 Minnesota. Ages 9 and up.
Mazer, Norma Fox. Girlhearts (2002). Fourteen-year-old Sarabeth loses her young, widowed mother to a heart attack and moves in with family friends. Soon after she embarks on a journey to her mother’s hometown to uncover secrets about her past. Ages 12 and up.
______. When She Was Good (reprinted 2000). Teenaged Em loses her mother and runs away with her emotionally troubled older sister. After her sister dies, Em must face her family’s legacy of abuse. Ages 12 and up.
Maynard, Joyce. The Usual Rules (2003). Thirteen-year-old Wendy moves to California to live with her father after her mother dies in the Twin Tower attacks of September 11, 2001. But she must leave a beloved stepfather and half-brother behind. Ages 13 and up.
Penson, Mary E. You’re An Orphan, Mollie Brown (1993). After their mother dies, Mollie and her twin brother live with relatives while their father goes off in search of work. Set in 1870s Texas. Ages 8 and up.
Radley, Gail. Nothing Stays the Same Forever (1988). Twelve-year-old Carrie has a widowed father who plans to remarry, an older sister who just started dating, and an elderly friend in poor health. Ages 9 and up.
Snicket, Lemony. A Series of Unfortunate Events series (1999-2004). Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire lose their parents in a fire, inherit a fortune, and try to elude the evil Count Olaf while searching for a stable home in this eleven-book series. Made into a 2004 film with Jim Carrey and Meryl Streep. Ages 9 and up.
Sones, Sonya. One of Those Hideous Books Where the Mother Dies (2004). Fifteen-year-old Ruby loses her mother and is sent to live with her father, a famous actor in Los Angeles whom she has never met. Written as a series of prose poems.
Whelan, Gloria. A Time to Keep Silent (1993). Thirteen-year-old Clair stops speaking after her mother dies. Then she befriends Dorrie, also thirteen and motherless, who lives alone because her father is in jail. Ages 11 and up.
Woodson, Jacqueline. I Hadn’t Meant to Tell You This (1994). Marie, an African-American eighth-grader whose mother left two years ago, befriends a white girl at school who confides that she’s being molested by her father. Ages 12 and up.
Wyman, Andrea. Red Sky at Morning (1991). Callie Common and her older sister Katherine go to live with their aging grandfather after their father leaves for Oregon and their mother dies in childbirth. Set on a hardscrabble Indiana farm in 1909. Ages 9 and up.
Children’s Picture Books
Holmes, Margaret M. Molly’s Mom Died (1999). School-aged Molly talks about the emotional aftermath of her mother’s death from illness. Includes a special note for caregivers at the end. Ages 5 to 9.
Madonna. The English Roses (2003). Four little English girls are envious of their “perfect” classmate—until they learn she’s motherless and in need of a friend. Ages 4 to 8.
Moore Campbell, Bebe. Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry (2003). School-aged Annie lives with a mother who suffers from bipolar disorder that can make her ‘angry on the outside.’ A supportive grandmother and a pair of silly friends provide Annie with consistent acceptance and love. Ages 4 to 8.
Ruben Greenfield, Nancy. When Mommy Had a Mastectomy (2005). Coping with a mother’s breast cancer, from a young child’s point of view. Ages 4 to 8.
Bibliography
Altschul, Sol, ed. Childhood Bereavement and Its Aftermath. Madison, Conn.: International Universities Press, 1988.
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Bowlby, John. A Secure Base. New York: Basic Books, 1988.
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Harris, Maxine. The Loss That Is Forever. New York: Plume, 1995.
Kennedy, Alexandra. Losing a Parent. New York: HarperCollins, 1991.
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Lowinsky, Naomi Ruth. The Motherline. Los Angeles: Tarcher, 1993.
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______. The Drama of the Gifted Child. New York: Basic Books, 1981.
Minot, Susan. Monkeys. New York: Washington Square Press, 1987.
Moffat, Mary Jane, ed. In the Midst of Winter. New York: Vintage, 1992.
Myers, Edward. When Parents Die. New York: Penguin, 1986.
O’Fallon, Margaret, and Margaret Vaillancourt, eds. Kiss Me Goodnight. St. Paul, Minn.: Syren, 2005.
Pogrebin, Letty Cottin. Deborah, Golda, and Me. New York: Crown, 1991.
Quindlen, Anna. Living Out Loud. New York: Ivy Books, 1988.
Rando, Therese A. Treatment of Complicated Mourning. Champaign, Ill.: Research Press, 1993.
______. How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam, 1991.
______. Grief, Dying, and Death. Champaign, Ill.: Research Press, 1984.
Rich, Adrienne. Of Woman Born. New York: Norton, 1986. ______. On Lies, Secrets, and Silence. New York: Norton, 1979.
Secunda, Victoria. Women and Their Fathers. New York: Delacorte, 1992.
______. When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends. New York: Delta, 1991.
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Silverman, Phyllis Rolfe. Never Too Young to Know. New York: Oxford University Press, 2000.
Smiley, Jane. A Thousand Acres. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1992.
Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses. New York: Fawcett Gold Medal, 1987.
Vozenilek, Helen, ed. Loss of the Ground-Note. Los Angeles: Clothespin Fever Press, 1992.
Walsh, Froma, and Monica McGoldrick, eds. Living Beyond Loss. New York: Norton, 1991.
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Notes
“It is the image in the mind . . . ”: Colette, My Mother’s House (New York: Farrar, Straus & Young, 1953), cited in Mary Jane Moffatt, ed., In the Midst of Winter (New York: Vintage, 1992 edition), 193.
Introduction
xx “My mother died when I was nineteen . . . ”: Anna Quindlen, “Mothers,” Living Out Loud (New York: Ivy Books, 1988), 210.
xxii The Dougy Center Web site . . . : http://www.dougy.org
xxiii As Phyllis Silverman, Ph.D. . . . : Phyllis Rolfe Silverman, Never Too Young to Know (New York: Oxford University Press, 2000), 15-16.
xxiii At least 2,990 children and teenagers . . . : Andrea Elliot, “Growing Up Grieving, With Constant Reminders of 9/11,” New York Times, September 11, 2004.
xxiii Six years earlier, more than 200 . . . : Personal correspondence, Jane Thomas, Collections Manager, Oklahoma City National Memorial, January 25, 2005; backed up by personal correspondence with Betty Pfefferbaum, Director, Terrorism and Disaster Branch of the National Center for Child Traumatic Stress, University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center, February 11, 2005.
xxiii Accidents and cancer are . . . : Table 1, “Deaths, percent of total deaths, and death rates for the 10 leading causes of death in selected age groups, by race and sex: United States, 2002,” National Vital Statistics Reports 53, no. 17 (March 7, 2005): 18.
xxiii But the U.S. cancer rate among women . . . : Table No. 109, “Death Rates from Malignant Neoplasms, by Race, Sex and Age: 1950 to 2000,” U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States 2004-2005, www.census.gov/prod/2004pubs/04statab/vitstat.pdf.
xxiii The AIDS epidemic in the United States . . . : Hope Edelman, Motherless Daughters (New York: Delta, 1995), xxii; “Estimates of the Number of Motherless Youth Orphaned by AIDS in the United States,” Journal of the American Medical Association 268 (December 23-30 1992): 3456-3461.
xxiv As of March 2005, seven American . . . : Jerry Adler, “Children of the Fallen.” Newsweek, March 21, 2005, 27-32; Lisa Hoffman, “Six Moms Have Been Killed in Iraq,” Scripps Howard News Service, December 15, 2004, www.shns.com/shns/warkids/warkids-moms.cfm.
xxiv Among some of its findings are . . . : J. William Worden, Children and Grief (New York: Guilford Press, 1996), 95-96.
xxvi In every racial group in America . . . : D. L. Hoyert, H. C. Kung, and B. L. Smith, “Deaths: Preliminary Data for 2003,” National Vital Statistics Reports, 53, no. 15 (Hyattsville, Md.: National Center for Health Statistics, 2005), Table A, 3.
xxvi Today, the average twenty-year-old Caucasian male . . . : Table No. 93, “Selected Life Table Values: 1979 to 2001,” U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States 2004-2005, 71, www.census.gov/prod/2004pubs/04statab/vitstat.pdf.
xxvi Among African Americans . . . : Ibid.
xxvi American men of all races . . . : Hoyert, Kung, and Smith, “Deaths,” 7.
xxvi In 2003 alone: Ibid.; Table 1, “Deaths and death rates by age, sex, and race and Hispanic origin and age-adjusted death rates, by sex and race and Hispanic origin: United States, final 2002 and preliminary 2003,” 7; and Table 2, “Deaths, death rates, and age-adjusted death rates for 113 selected causes, injury by firearms, drug-induced deaths, alcohol-induced deaths, and injury at work: United States, final 2002 and preliminary 2003,” 15.
xxvi More than 676,000 American children . . . : Calculated from statistics printed in Neil Kalter, et al., “The Adjustment of Parentally Bereaved Children, Omega 46 (2002-2003), 15-34; Katherine Porterfield et al., “The Impact of Early Loss History on Parenting of Bereaved Children: A Qualitative Study,” Omega 47 (2003), 203-220; U.S. Census Bureau, Table No. 11, “Resident Population by Age and Sex: 1980 to 2003,” www.census.gov/prod/2004pubs/04statab/pop.pdf; U.S. Census Bureau, Table No. 12, “Resident Population Projections by Sex and Age: 2005 to 2050,” www.census.gov/prod/2004pubs/04statab/pop.pdf.
xxvi Nearly 25,000 girls have . . . : Ibid.
xxvi I calculate that there are . . . : Ibid.
xxvi Fn: More than 532,000 children . . . : The AFCARS Report: Preliminary FY 2002 Estimates as of August 2004, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb.
xxvi Fn: Approximately 126,000 children have mothers . . . : Christopoher J. Mumola, “Incarcerated Parents and Their Children,” U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, August 2000, NCJ 182335, 2; J. Poehlmann, “Incarcerated Mothers’ Contact with Children, Perceived Family Relationships, and Depressive Symptoms,” Journal of Family Psychology 19 (Sept. 2005), 350-357.
xxvii When a parent dies young . . . : Maxine Harris, The Loss That Is Forever (New York: Plume, 1996), 48.
xxvii “Some events are so big . . . ”: Ibid., xvii.
xxvii As Maxine Harris points out . . . : Ibid., 10-11.
Part I: Loss
1 “The loss of the daughter to the mother . . . ”: Adrienne Rich, Of Woman Born (New York: Norton, 1986), 237.
Chapter One: The Seasons of Grieving
7 “Some individuals become . . . ”: Tamar Granot, Without You (London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2005), 11.
7 Vacillation over a career . . . : Ibid.
7 (One grief counseling Web site . . . ): TLC Group, Dallas, Texas, “Beware the Five Stages of Grief,” www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm.
8 I prefer J. William Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning . . . : Worden, Children and Grief, 12.
8 Unlike adults . . . : Erna Furman, A Child’s Parent Dies (New Haven, Conn.: Yale University Press, 1974), 12.
9 They do it in the midst . . . : Mary Ann Emswiler and James P. Emswiler, Guiding Your Child Through Grief (New York: Bantam Books, 2000), 18.
10 ”They know how much pain . . . ”: Ibid., 19.
11 It’s difficult for children . . . : Harry Hardin and Daniel Hardin, “On the Vicissitudes of Early Primary Surrogate Mothering II: Loss of the Surrogate Mother and Arrest of Mourning,” Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association 48 (2000), 1246.
1
1 Researchers have found . . . : National Public Radio, “Morning Edition,” August 30, 1988; Furman, A Child’s Parent Dies, 16-17, 22-23, 112-113; Nan Birnbaum, personal communication, October 25, 1991; Russell Hurd, “Adults View Their Childhood Bereavement Experiences,” Death Studies 23 (1999), 17.
11 Some therapists have viewed adolescence . . . : Martha Wolfenstein, “How Is Mourning Possible?” Psychoanalytic Study of the Child 21 (1966): 93-123; Anna Freud, “Adolescence,” Psychoanalytic Study of the Child 13 (1958): 255-278; Moses Laufer, “Object Loss and Mourning during Adolescence,” Psychoanalytic Study of the Child 21 (1966): 269-293; Max Sugar, “Normal Adolescent Mourning,” American Journal of Psychotherapy 22 (1968): 258-269.
12 In response to a major loss . . . : Wolfenstein, “How Is Mourning Possible?” 111.
12 Because she equates crying . . . : Ibid., 110-111.
13 Fathers may feel grief . . . : Therese Rando, How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Has Died (New York: Lexington, 1988), 65-67.
16 Rage, rather than grief . . . : Judith Mishne, “Parental Abandonment: A Unique Form of Loss and Narcissistic Injury,” Clinical Social Work Journal 7 (Fall 1979): 17.
19 As Virginia Woolf . . . : Virginia Woolf, “A Sketch of the Past,” Moments of Being (New York: Harvest/Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1985), 89.
20 But negative emotion . . . : Therese Rando, Treatment of Complicated Mourning (Champaign, Ill.: Research Press, 1993), 476.
