by Noah Harris
“Whoa, that’s wild! Sorry about that, man.”
“They walked out, they won’t return my calls…they hate me. My parents want nothing more to do with me, and he doesn’t even see that there’s anything wrong with what he did!” Barry felt his eyes burn with welling tears. He held them back but the sting of all of this still hurt a great deal.
The two sat quietly in the booth under the heavy subject that loomed over them ominously. Barry seemed content to let it just hang there. He brought it out so it may as well stay there. Guy did no such thing, however. His eyes glowed compassionately as he looked at Barry.
“Shit. That really sucks. I’m sorry,” Guy said softly, keeping his eyes locked on Barry’s. “Could always be worse though. I know, cliché as hell. But wanna know how I had to come out?”
Barry quietly nodded. Anything was better than having to talk right now. There was something mildly therapeutic about casually talking to someone else who was gay. He seemed to know the ropes, or at least be more comfortable with it.
“So I used to work in this office. Data entry, that sorta thing. I hadn’t really come out yet. There was this one chick who was super into me, like crazy into me. I’d reported her a couple times for constantly trying to grab my ass, but ‘women can’t harass.’ That old chestnut? Bullshit. Anyway, she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Meanwhile I made a connection with this guy there, we got along real well and decided to hook up. Turns out crazy coworker was not only stalking me, but had a damn Polaroid. So she’s thinking if she can’t have me, no one can. Photocopies that shit and smears it all around the office. I couldn’t prove it was her, everyone knows we’re gay now, but she still kept chasing me for a while. On the bright side: it was a great picture.”
“Jesus, that’s nuts. How’d…How’d everyone react?”
“Surprisingly, they were very supportive. More outraged that someone would post pictures of us like that. Some guys thought I did it, but for real, why would I post pictures of myself like that?”
“What about your parents?”
“They didn’t work there,” he snickered. “Nah, I know what you mean. My family and I have a strained relationship. Like they’re there for me, I guess, but they also couldn’t give a rat’s ass what I do.”
“Not sure if that’s better or worse.”
“Neither, really. Can’t go around comparing people's problems on a scale. Otherwise only a few problems will matter.”
“—I’d never really thought of it like that.”
“Eh. It’s not amazing. I’ve just had a lot of time to think. But that sucks, what happened. Sounds like a goof. I doubt he’s doing it to hurt you, though. Just…young? Different background? All that stuff.”
“You’re right. I just wish this was easier sometimes.”
“All life struggles gets easier with time. But only if you let them.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“I’dunno. Read it off a fortune cookie once, kinda hoping it’d be useful.”
Barry laughed as Guy sat quietly investigating the bar with curious eyes, until he thought of something else to talk about. The two talked for hours until the bar closed, although they became so enraptured by their conversation they felt their discussion was nowhere near drawing to a close. The two stood out in the parking lot next to Barry’s car.
Barry looked at Guy and felt a tingling warmth wash through him. He felt oddly comfortable around this man. Something about him felt like he had known him all his life. He hadn’t bared his soul like that in so long and he was glad and a little relieved that he had made the trip out here. The conversation flowed so naturally he didn’t want it to end. He felt a kind of comfort around him that he hadn’t felt in some time.
Guy held out a slip of paper with his phone number on it. “That was the most fun I’ve had in a bar for a while. Gimmie a call sometime.”
“What? But I have a boyfriend, I—”
“Whoa. Whoa. Easy.” Guy leaned against Barry’s car as he slightly tilted his head, “You’re cute. I’m flattered. But just for fun, someone to talk to. Your boyfriend has friends now. Why can’t you?”
“You know what? You’re right.” Barry agreed as he placed the number in his pocket. “I’ll uh…”
Barry felt himself freeze as he made eye contact again and he watched as Guy’s thin lips lifted into a smile. All of a sudden he couldn’t find any words. All he felt he could do was to write out his number on the closest piece of paper and hand it over with shaking hands.
“I’ll talk to you later,” Guy said as he put the scrap away for safekeeping.
His sharp black boots clomped across the pavement as he strolled lazily to his car. With a quick wave he piled into his old car and drove away.
Chapter Five
“I’m heading out,” Xanathen announced on his way to the front door.
Barry was sitting complacently on the couch, lazily scrolling through his phone. Xanathen lingered as he internally shook. If Barry would just turn around and meet his eyes, he would count it as a personal victory. A small one, of course, but a win was still a win to Xanathen.
His eyes were fixed on the back of Barry’s blond hair and he felt like he could pierce a hole through it if he just continued to stare. He scowled as Barry remained unmoving in his position, tapping away on the smooth screen with the occasional chuckle.
Barry, why won’t you listen to me? Xanathen thought as he let his hand slide from the doorknob.
He stood motionless in the doorway, seemingly caught in his own thoughts as he looked back towards Barry. His sturdy brow was sunken over his eyes, as what felt like hollow echoes clanged in his empty chest. They only got louder the longer he looked. His feet began to move softly in the direction of the couch.
“I said I’m heading out,” Xanathen repeated in a low grumble as he stood over Barry.
“Oh. Sorry,” Barry replied, glancing up for a second.
“I’m heading out.”
“I know, I heard you.”
“I’m going to make more of those videos.”
“Have fun.”
Have fun. Xanathen couldn’t help but scowl at those words. As empty as they were, he knew they were scathing and toxic. His face curled in on itself and the emotion that crossed it fluctuated as he thought about that response, then he sat beside Barry with a heavy thud. Barry’s eyes flicked back to him as the shock of his impact’s rocked him out of his place.
Xanathen’s head hung low over his broad shoulders as his body arced over his long, muscular legs. His fingers dangling like dark icicles between his thighs twitched with anticipation. The usual brilliance of his golden eyes had been dimmed, replaced with a lifeless stare that could only bare to focus on the floor beneath his feet.
Barry’s eyes widened as he looked at Xanathen, taking in this new manner. He had never sat like that before. He looked like he was slumped over from the weight of something piled on his back. The look in his eyes almost seemed apologetic. Barry turned his phone over silently, keeping his expectant gaze on Xanathen. The two sat choking in the awkward silence.
“Do you really want me to have fun?” Xanathen asked softly.
“I mean…,” Barry trailed off, his expression souring. “You already know my feelings about this.”
“I’d have more fun if you came with me,” his posture straightened as he suddenly looked Barry in the eyes.
His large hands reached out for Barry’s and folded over them with tenderness, as if holding a baby bird. At his touch, Barry felt goosebumps ripple across his skin, from his hands all the way through his body.
I want to spend more time with you again, Xanathen thought as he looked deep into Barry’s blue eyes.
“I think you’d like the guys. They’re a fun group of people.”
I just miss you.
“And you can be in the videos, too. The people would like you a lot.”
Please say yes.
“No thanks,” Barry said ster
nly, with an air of disappointment to his voice, as he grabbed his phone again. “The whole thing creeps me out. I don’t like the idea of everyone knowing who I am.”
“I don’t get that. Why wouldn’t you want to be acknowledged for your talents?”
“I do. But not by every creep with a smartphone,”
“So you like keeping everything a secret,” Xanathen concluded plainly.
“No.” Barry simmered. “I just think there’s a time and a place for everything and you don’t need to go exposing everything about yourself.”
“But if you’re proud of what you do or who you are, then why hide it? Not everyone’s going to like you, but there’ll be plenty of people that will. At least it shows you like yourself.”
“Because some of those people that might not like you could be crazy and dangerous. Or worse, people you already like.”
“Not everyone’s terrible, and if people start disliking you because of who you are and what you do, then maybe they’re not worth it.”
“I don’t know.” Barry rolled his eyes. “Maybe I’d be more open to the idea if the people I knew in real life were—”
Xanathen’s eyebrow arched curiously as Barry burrowed himself deeper into the couch, refusing to finish the rest of his thought. As much as Xanathen pried, Barry wouldn’t answer, claiming he forgot what he was going to say. Even if the sentence wasn’t complete, the sentiment was still there, sitting right between the two of them.
This had been the most involved conversation the two of them had engaged in for a while, at least that either could remember. Between the busy hours at work and the trivial chats about nothing, the two hadn’t had much to say recently. They kept all their real words bottled up behind a glass wall of spite, for fear of hurting each other. This had been the most real discussion they had and as much as their pride stung as they sat in silence again, there was a warmth to it. They had forgotten how it felt. They even quietly craved for it to continue, to at least feel that connection again.
Barry looked over at Xanathen and his eyes softened. As frustrated as he felt, he could never deny to himself how much the dragon’s face warmed his heart and left his pounding. He admired his enthusiasm and curiosity; he often wished he could have the same traits. There was a part of him that was happy for Xanathen and was cheering him on with all the loud bravado of a stadium crowd. Even if that were so, he wished Xanathen would listen to him and understand where he was coming from. He was so recklessly brave in whatever he did, it was almost like it didn’t matter. If he would just apologize, Barry would melt in his arms and focus on the future.
Xanathen’s eyes glanced over to Barry’s round face and felt his frustrations subdue. He was stubborn as hell, of course, but Xanathen had admired that about him from the start. To him, Barry was a wall of fiery strength and tenacity that no mortal man could break down. Any human that could stand to bust a dragon’s chops was so much more than just a regular person, and Xanathen knew that as a fundamental truth. Barry wasn’t malicious, just protective. While Xanathen felt he was the sword, Barry was the matching shield. Still, there’s only so much protecting a person can do before a haven becomes a prison and Xanathen had begun to loathe his own home as a result. A part of him even began to question whether Barry was ashamed. Ashamed of the love he had for Xanathen, or even himself. Xanathen longed to hear Barry say he was sorry. If he heard those words, he could finally sleep peacefully.
“So…You’re not coming with?” Xanathen repeated, hoping Barry had changed his mind.
“No thanks,” Barry said again.
Before Xanathen got up, Barry leaned in with a swift peck on Xanathen’s lips. Xanathen cherished that small act of affection as he rose to his feet and made his way to the door. So today wasn’t the day, they both thought as they separated. There’s always tomorrow.
Barry remained on the couch as he browsed the internet in silence, watching Xanathen’s videos for himself. The views had exploded into the six digit bracket in no time, a feat that, while Barry certainly wasn’t a fan, he couldn’t say wasn’t impressive. It felt like everyone with access to a computer was sharing these videos and posting them around. Even at the base, when they weren’t working, someone had saved the videos to their phone just to be able to share them with the rest of the team.
The most important thing to him had become the comments. He scrolled through and browsed them repeatedly. His anxiety lessened a little as he read them, seeing that no one seemed to actually suspect the truth. Everyone seemed to think it was all editing tricks.
He paused to think. Maybe he had overreacted. Until he met Xanathen, he never believed that dragons actually existed. Aside from a few strange people that seemed to only exist on the internet, no one would actually believe Xanathen was a dragon. He began to chuckle a bit at his own paranoia. How silly could he have been? He looked at the closed front door and winced; Xanathen had already long since left. He could possibly find him if he-
No. He eased himself up as he looked away from the phone. Chasing after him would only drive him crazier, even if it was to apologize. He looked out the window at the clear, sunny day and smiled to himself. If Xanathen wanted to have fun with his newfound friends, who was he to get in the way of that? He’d been cooped up for long enough.
He felt his phone vibrate and looked down.
Hey. I got today off. Wanna get a drink?
It was Guy. He smiled a little to himself as he typed back:
In the afternoon?
It doesn’t have to be now.
Barry read over the message a few times over. He hadn’t seen Guy since the night at the bar. Since then, it had only been friendly texts here and there. He accepted Barry’s rather hectic schedule. Barry wondered what his job was. Guy barely talked about his own job and when he did, he gave vague answers or sent photos to emphasize how bored he was at work. He seemed bored to tears just talking about it. From the way Guy described things, it must have been data entry or at the very least something in a cubicle. Barry liked to imagine he worked some soul-crushing office job and did stand-up comedy at open mic nights as a form of free therapy.
It was a nice way to get Barry’s mind off all the little things. He appreciated being able to make a joke without having to explain the punchline. More than that, he felt more at ease having someone else making him laugh, even if it was just for a little bit. He wasn’t sure if he was doing it on purpose or if the way Guy talked was just naturally funny to him. Even in a digital format he could feel a dry sarcasm behind so much of what he said that he found it amusing, though he sometimes had to wonder if he was actually being serious. As small as it was, it was a relief to have a friendly person willing to listen and spin things for the positive for a change.
Barry smiled as he thought about it. It was good for both him and Xanathen that they were making friends. After all, ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, or however the expression went. He sat and typed back: I’ve got some errands to run if you really wanna come with.
The shopping carts were the exact same factory-assembled, bent metal rods on top of squeaky wheels, but as the two men strode side by side their carts couldn’t be more different. The metal that made them may be identical but the contents told a completely different story. Barry looked down at his cart as he travelled down the isles, wheels squealing desperately as it swayed back and forth wildly. It seemed determined to escape his control and slam into whatever display was closest. He had barely been through the store (he had only heard a couple of songs from the store’s easy listening playlist) and already the cart was filled with an abundant pile of prepackaged fish.
Nearby, Guy pushed his cart with one hand; it seemed to mostly glide under his control. On closer inspection, Barry noticed his arm swiveling along with it to keep it in line.
“I take it you like fish?” Guy asked as he glanced over at Barry’s cart. He tried to avoid eye contact with the fish, staring up at him from beneath their glossy plastic wrapping.
> “I think it’s okay,” Barry replied as he put one last package in the cart. “My boyfriend’s the one that likes it.”
“Ah,” he replied, his gray eyes dimming as he immediately focused elsewhere. “It’s weird, but unless it’s sushi I can’t eat fish. Never could.”
Barry chuckled as he watched Guy’s face grimace at the thought of eating fish, “My boyfriend’s the exact opposite. Last time we tried it he said it was ‘too small’. He wasn’t a fan of wasabi either.”
“Let me guess: he smothered the whole thing in it?”
“Yeah,” Barry laughed as he remembered. He felt horrible for laughing but it wasn’t even the pain Xanathen went through that made him chuckle, but the sincerity of it all. “Now he won’t eat it at all, even without the sauce. But, nah, I don’t usually buy this much. I just wanna be nice to him tonight.”
“Oh? Just tonight?”
“Nah. I mean…” Barry sighed as he continued around the deli, barely paying attention to things on the shelves. “We’ve been goin’ through kind of a rough patch recently. I’m thinking I should be the bigger person and apologize.”
“And the fish is your peace offering?”
“It won’t hurt.”
“That’s adorable,” Guy grinned as he turned away from the variety of cheeses. “Maybe that’s why no one ever apologizes to me. All my favorites are too complicated. But what are you making? Like, specifically?”
“Just…fish.”
Guy shook his head, his chestnut waves swaying gently along with him until he focused a stern, knowing look at Barry. His thin lips formed a wicked smile as he began to form an idea in his mind. “Listen. If there’s anything I’ve learned in life it’s that if you want to make a good apology, you need to pull out all the stops.”
“That’s what I’m doing, though,” Barry replied and thought to himself, This is more effort than Xanathen would go through.
“Well that’s a start, but you gotta do more than just that. Candles, tablecloth, maybe a little wine. Actions speak louder than words. Call me old fashioned but I like to be shown I’m cared for, don’t you?”
