“Yeah.”
“Why are you calling?”
“I don’t know.” It was lie. I knew why I was calling. I wanted to get down on my knees and beg for him to take me back.
“How are you?”
“Miserable, and you?”
“About the same. I miss you.”
“I miss you too, Dax. Too much to stay away.” I figured if I eased into it, he would want me back, but that idea flew out the window about the time the next words did. “I want to come home.”
“Charlee, you know I want that more than anything, but how do I know you won’t change your mind again, and up and leave me. I don’t think I could take that again. I can’t go through that again.”
“I know, Dax. I’m sorry. All I can say is that I’m sorry, and I promise I will try my damnedest to make it work.”
The line was quiet for too long. I wanted to say something, urge him to answer me, but I knew if I did that, then he would say no. So I sat there, waiting patiently for him to answer. I glanced at the clock in my car, realizing I needed to get back to work or I was going to get into trouble, but I couldn’t. I had to hear what he had to say, and apparently I was having to wait for that answer.
“How soon can you get home?”
I let out the breath I was holding and sighed in relief. “Really?”
“Really! Come home to me, Charlee.”
“Okay, I’m coming home. I’ll call you when I get on the road. I love you, Dax.”
“I love you too, Charlee.”
I ran into my work and quit my job five minutes later. There was no way in hell I was about to let go of this second chance I was getting with him. I was going to make things work with him even if it killed me.
~ ~ ~ ~
Five hours later, I was on the road and headed home to the comfort of the love of my life. I couldn’t wait to feel his arms around me. His lips on mine. The warmth of his body against mine. I missed every single thing about him and I couldn’t stand being away from him for another second.
Unfortunately, sometimes life has other plans for you. You may know the path your on, or the one you want to take, but something happens along the way, and your entire plan ends up being a mistake. I thought we could get past it. I thought we could just jump right back into who we were, and how things were before anything ever happened. I was wrong. Oh, was I wrong.
I didn’t get my humble homecoming like I thought, and Dax just wasn’t the same person he was when I had left a few months ago. He had changed, and not for the better. I guess I could blame myself, but the things he did were unforgivable, and I could only take blame for part of it.
He asked me to come back. He told me he loved me. He wanted me back. Or at least I thought he did. He wasn’t even happy to see me when I showed up after twelve long hours of driving by myself. He opened the door and went straight back to bed. And every day since then he has gone out of his way to punish me for the mistake I made, when I chose my family over him. He didn’t want me back. He wanted me to suffer. He wanted me to pay for what I did to him, and I was just supposed to sit back and take it? For crying out loud, he even lost my fucking cat.
I was only back in Arizona for three weeks, before I finally couldn’t take anymore. The girls, the booze, the friends, the drugs, it was all too much for me. And I had had enough. When I left him this time, I didn’t feel bad. I didn’t regret it for one second. He told me he knew I would leave. He told me what a horrible person I was, and that he wanted nothing to do with me ever again, but in all honesty, I didn’t want to see him either. I deserved better. I didn’t deserve to be beaten like a dog, or kicked when I was already down. I deserved more.
The next time I heard from Dax was about seven months later. I remember that night as if it were yesterday. It was late, probably around twelve thirty in the morning when my cell phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number, but I answered anyways. That was my first mistake.
“Charlee?”
“Who is this?”
“It’s Trevor.”
“How did you get my number?”
“It’s not important. I need you to talk to Dax. I need you to give him just two minutes to explain some stuff.”
“Trevor, I’m pretty sure I got the gist when I moved back. He doesn’t want me. All he wanted was to punish me, and that he did.”
“He’s thinking of going into the Air Force. He wants to leave. He wants to leave because you’re gone. Here, just talk to him.”
I almost hung up the phone more than once as I waited for him to get on the line, but a part of me had to hear him out. As much as I wanted to hang up and give him what he deserved, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“Charlee?”
“I’m here, Dax.”
“Tell me not to go. Tell me not to leave, Charlee.”
“I can’t do that, Dax. You wouldn’t leave for me, but you’ll leave now? Maybe this is what you need to do.”
“No Charlee, I need you. Meet me.”
“What? I can’t. I’m in a different state Dax, or do you not remember?” I couldn’t decide if he was drunk or not, but he wasn’t making any sense.
“Jump on a plane and meet me somewhere. Anywhere. Let’s go to Hawaii. Meet me in Hawaii, I don’t care where, just meet me.”
“I can’t, Dax.”
“Why?” His voice was shaky and filled with apprehension.
I looked down at my pregnant belly, and rubbed it. I wasn’t sure if I was making the right decision, but I knew I couldn’t leave my life to be with him. Not after what he had done. So instead, I broke his heart all over again. “Dax, I’m pregnant, and married. I’m so sorry.”
Tears started to steadily fall down my face uncontrollably, but I stood my ground and tried to be strong. I was preparing myself for the reaction I knew I would receive.
“Fuck you, you whore. I’m done. Have a nice fucking life.”
And then the phone went dead.
I never heard from Dax again and I moved on with my life. It was hard every single day, but I did it. I made something of myself. I had my family, and friends, but I’d be lying if I didn’t think about Dax occasionally. He was a part of me no matter how hard I tried to get rid of him.
Only ten years later, would he come back into my life in a way I never thought possible. I had been back to Phoenix at least a million times over the last ten years to visit family and Taylor, but when the opportunity to go there for an amazing assignment for work, I was elated. This was my chance to go home and show everyone what I had accomplished in my life. And while my thoughts should have been focused on just that, something in the back of my mind was telling me to reach out to him.
Chapter Thirty-One
Present Day
Dax
I sat in my truck staring at the note her best friend left me. As I continued to stare, I couldn’t help but replay the first day I told her I loved her over and over in my mind. I had never said those three words to any other girl in my entire life, and when I said them to her, she melted. I melted right along with her, but I clearly remember her melting. I had the one woman I ever wanted in my arms, as I made love to her in her pool. With every moan and every look, the feeling intensified. I never wanted to let this girl go, and as I whispered those three little words into her ear, as I thrust myself deep inside of her one last time, I knew in that instant, that she would forever have my heart.
I turned the key over and started my truck as I glanced back down at the note sitting in my hand. I glanced back at my house, the house where my wife was currently still sleeping, until she had to get up and get ready for work. Every time I looked down at the small white piece of paper, my heart beat a little bit faster. I wasn’t sure if it was a happy faster, or if it was me being concerned. What if something was wrong with her? What if Taylor was getting a hold of me after all this time, to let me know that… I stopped myself from assuming the worst.
I shook the bad thoughts from my mind and turned my truc
k around to start heading to work. I tossed the white piece of paper onto the passenger seat. As much as I willed myself not to glance over at that damn thing, I couldn’t but not look. With every mile that brought me closer to work, the further away my mind went. When I pulled up outside of the warehouse, my feet and hands refused to start working. I found myself sitting and staring aimlessly in my truck. There was no way I could concentrate on work today, or anything else for that matter.
Taylor had left her number, and as much as I wanted to make that phone call, I just couldn’t. I put my truck in reverse and headed to the nearest gas station. When I pulled up, I made myself exit the truck and get a cup of coffee. I knew it was the last thing I needed right now, but it was something. As I stood in line waiting to pay, the last twelve years began running at lightening speed, through my head. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about her at least a dozen times a day over the last ten years, but now my past was invading my life, and I hadn’t the slightest idea how to make it all just go away.
Against my better judgment, I reached for that stupid fucking piece of paper and started to dial. It was only seven in the morning, but I was beyond caring. I had to know if she was okay. I had to make sure that nothing bad had happened to her. At least that’s the logic that was keeping me sane at the moment.
Taylor’s phone rang and rang, and by the third ring, I was about to hang up and cut my losses, but then Taylor’s voice broke through the line.
“Hello?”
“Hey Taylor, it’s Dax.”
“Oh hey Dax. How are you?”
“I’m good.”
“Shouldn’t you be at work or something?”
Oh, shouldn’t I ever. Work was the place I should be, but unfortunately my heart had pulled me into a different direction. “Let’s just say I took a personal day. Is she with you?” The line went silent, but I knew she hadn’t hung up. I could hear her whispering something to someone, and my heart rate spiked knowing it was probably Charlee that she was speaking to. I was now faced with a choice. I could hang up now and know that she was alive and okay, or I could wait, and see what she had to say. I could wait and hear her voice for the first time in what has felt like a lifetime.
“Yeah, she’s right here.”
“Okay.”
The minute I heard her angelic, husky morning voice, a smile broke out across my face. She sounded exactly the same, and suddenly all I could think about was what she looked like first thing in the morning. The way she was on the crabby side, until she had her coffee, and the sexy way she used to look at me, with so much love behind her eyes.
“Hello?”
“Hi. How are you?”
Really? Small talk, she really wanted to do small talk right now? “I’m okay. A little confused, but whatever. How are you? It’s been forever.”
“I’m good.”
“Good. I was worried when I got the note. I thought maybe something was wrong.”
“No, sorry. I guess, I just wanted to talk to you.”
She was nervous, I could tell. Even through the thick morning voice, the just waking up grogginess, and the I can’t believe this is happening, I still made her nervous. A small part of me was happy about this little nugget of information. “Well, I’m actually headed to the drop zone. I took a personal day.”
“Oh! Sorry.”
“But now I’m not so sure that I should even be jumping.” I wasn’t trying to make her feel sorry for me in the least, but she had to know the affect that stupid fucking note had on me.
“Why?”
“I’m not in the right frame of mind. So why did you track me down?” I knew I was coming off far harsher than I needed to be, but this situation was one clusterfuck that I wasn’t sure I was ready to deal with just yet.
“I guess I just wanted to see if maybe you wanted to meet up and say hi. Catch up and maybe grab some coffee or something.”
In that very moment, the thought of seeing her made my heart skip a beat. For ten years all I had wanted was to see her face, to hold her in my arms one last time, and as much as it was going to break my heart, I still had to tell her no. “I don’t think that would be a good idea. My wife couldn’t handle that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s just say that the mere mention of your name would wreck her. She knows all about you, and us.”
“I guess I still don’t understand.”
Frankly, I didn’t quite understand either. “Honestly, she knows how much I was in love with you. Her and I were friends when we split up. She basically got the broken version of me. She wanted more, but I was so wrecked over you that I didn’t want a relationship. So we decided to be good friends. I talked it through with her. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best idea, but she was there for me when I needed someone, and she helped me through everything.”
“I honestly, never thought you loved me that much. I always thought I loved you more.”
It was literally killing me to talk to her about all of this. I knew deep down, it was a good thing, to get it all out in the open and be over it, but a part of me knew it would only make saying good-bye, harder. “Honestly Charlee, I felt more strongly than I led on in the end. It was hard for me when you left. I would love more than anything to see you, but if we were to meet up, it would literally wreck her. She knows the love I felt for you, and she feels like she will never be able to live up to that. And, I’m not sure that I could see you without having feelings get involved.”
“I understand, I guess. It would be nice to see you though and at least be able to hug you.”
Man, this girl was killing me. If she kept asking, I don’t know how much longer I would be able to hold out. “I would love to, but when I want something, I go for it one hundred percent. Even if those feelings weren’t there on your behalf, but I felt them, I would completely self-sabotage my life to get it. I used to talk to Trevor about you and about “us” a lot. He’s the only one who knows how I’ve felt and how much you affect me. I’m afraid I’ll see you, and all those feelings, I know I have, will intensify.”
“I’m not sure what to say. I’m disappointed, but I guess I understand.”
I needed to get off of this topic. I needed to not think about the prospect of meeting up with her. I needed to hear her talk about her life. I needed a reason to say no to her.
“So why are you in town?”
“I work for a major publication as a writer, and there was a story they asked me to cover this weekend.”
“That’s amazing. I’m proud of you. So, do you have any kids? Are you married?”
“No kids, but yes, I am married.” I could sense the trepidation in her tone.
“For how long?”
“Three years.” She laughed and I wasn’t sure if I should laugh along with her.
“Does he treat you good?”
“Yes.”
“Well that’s good. I’m not gonna lie, I think about you a lot.”
“So, let’s meet up.” I could hear hope filter through her voice, and I instantly felt horrible for putting it there. I knew deep down I wasn’t going to meet up with her, but suddenly the words were coming out of my mouth, with no way to stop them.
“I’ll think about it. Honestly, I miss the shit out of you.” I could hear a tremor in her voice as I said it, and I knew her well enough to know that she was crying. “I’ll think about it, Charlee. If you don’t hear from me, we’ll talk again soon…someday.”
“Okay.” Her voice was muffled and I wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to her shortness.
“I’m really glad I got to talk to you.”
“Me too.” She whispered back.
“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon.”
And just like that, our conversation ended. Once again I was left, sitting in my truck staring at that piece of paper, wishing life could be different, even if only for a day.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Charlee
The phone slid fr
om my trembling fingers as the onslaught of tears took over me. Taylor was instantly at my side, pulling me into her as I bawled my eyes out. I wasn’t sure if it was the gravity of the situation, or the feeling of rejection, but something inside of me broke into a million different pieces as our phone call ended.
“What did he say?”
“About a million things I wish I would’ve never heard. I honestly don’t know if it would’ve been easier to just not hear from him, or what. I’m an idiot for ever thinking he would want anything to do with me after all this time.”
I made my way downstairs to have a cigarette and think about the conversation that just took place. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, just hearing his voice made my entire day. I was only in town for four days to cover this story, but knowing that I still had a few days when we could possibly meet up, gave me a small glimmer of hope. I sat back in my lounge chair, letting the warm Arizona sunshine on my face. I closed my eyes and was instantly transported back to a time when we were so over the moon happy to be together.
There were entirely too many good memories to recall. I had loved that boy more than anything else, and there once was a time when I would’ve given everything up for him. Just hearing his voice killed me. I could tell just by talking to him that he had changed so much over the years. He apologized for the things he did, and even took blame for some things he never would’ve before. In my heart I knew nothing good would ever come from us meeting up, but a bigger part of me needed to try. I needed the closure. I needed to know that my entire life hadn’t been a mistake.
“Hey girl, you doing okay?”
Taylor sat down in the lounge chair next to me, with a very worried expression on her face. “I’m okay. It’s just hard to understand why he won’t at least see me.”
“Charlee, do you honestly think you’d be able to see him and not completely self destruct? He was your first love. He held your heart for so long, and I honestly think seeing him would do more harm than good.”
Deep down, I knew Taylor was right. I mean really what good could come from us seeing one another. Obviously the love I felt for him was exactly how he felt for me. “I don’t want to think about it anymore.”
Forever and Almost Always Page 15
