Forever and Almost Always

by Bennett, Amanda

Charlee

  Throughout the years, my feelings for Dax never wavered, and now that I knew he still loved me, I felt complete. My love for him had grown to exponential amounts over the last twenty-four hours, but as far as I knew, he was still happily married.

  After we got dressed, Dax led me down to the outside of the restaurant and I was taken back by the amazing table that he had called down to have set up for us. There were two vases overflowing with peonies, my absolute favorite flower, in every shade of pink possible. And to top it all off, he had ordered everything on the menu, knowing that I could never decide on breakfast foods. I gripped his hand tight before we took our seats. Our table was right at the edge, overlooking the beach and the entire ocean. I glanced over at Dax in this perfect moment. Dax never ceased to amaze me. He was more romantic than any other man I had ever met, and he always looked at me as though nobody else in this world exist, but me. It was flattering how much he was willing to do to show me just how much he loved me.

  “You okay over there?”

  I tore my eyes away from the gorgeous view outside, and met his gaze. “I’m perfect. Seriously, there is nowhere else in this world I would rather be.” He smiled that panty-dropping smile, and I was overcome with happiness. “So, what do you want to do today?”

  “Well I actually set us up for a couple’s massage.”

  I smiled over my fork of eggs. “Really?”

  “Yes, really. Today is a day for relaxing and that’s it.”

  “But, I have an article I have to get done. That’s the whole reason I came here.”

  “I said, a day for relaxing.” He winked. “No arguing either.”

  I smiled and finished the remaining eggs on my plate. “Dax, I have to ask you something.”

  He glanced up from his waffles with a distraught look on his face. “And what would that be?”

  “I have to know, are you still married? I noticed you don’t have your ring on, but you could’ve just taken it off for my benefit. I just need to know.”

  He let out a loud sigh as he set his fork down on the table. “It’s complicated, Charlee.”

  “No. No, it’s not complicated. You’re either married or you’re not.”

  “Yes, I am.”

  My heart dropped and I felt faint. Deep down I knew what his answer would be. I didn’t assume that he would just up and leave his wife for me, but I also didn’t think that he was the cheating type. Which I guess, made me the other woman. My fork dropped from my hand, clattering against the plate.

  “Charlee just let me explain.”

  “What is there to explain, Dax? You’re married and you came to California to what, fuck me then leave me?”

  “It’s not like that Charlee, and you know it. You know how I feel about you.”

  “Do you still love your wife?”

  He sat there with a stoic look on his face. After a few minutes, when he still hadn’t answered, I stood up and walked away from the table. I needed to get away from his intoxicating presence and clear my head. I took the stairway that led to the beach and headed towards the pier. The wind had picked up a bit and it was getting chilly, so I hugged my sweater tightly to my body to stay warm. When I got close to the pier, I stopped and dropped to my knees sobbing. I covered my face with my hands to muffle the sound of my crying, and just let it all go. The water crashed down around me, but I didn’t care. With every wave my body became wetter, as it slowly started seeping through to my clothing. My body was shivering and the tears just kept flowing. It was like I turned on a faucet and now it was stuck.

  I wanted to get up and talk to him. To try and work this thing out, or whatever it was we were doing, but I just didn’t have the energy for it. After ten years of holding out hope that we would eventually be able to be together again, I had finally reached my breaking point. There was nothing left for me to do, and no way for me to fix this. He was right the day that we talked, when he said that it is what it is, he was right. There was never a future for us, but apparently I was the last one to realize this.

  I felt his hands wrap around my shoulders, trying to force me to stand, but I didn’t want his help. I wanted to be alone. “Just leave, Dax. Please just go. I can’t take another heartbreak from you. From anybody else I would be fine, but not from you. I need you to leave me alone.”

  He never said a word. His hands were suddenly gone, and he never said a word. I would have cried, but I had no more left in me. I was all out of hope, faith, and love, basically anything that took any effort on my part and my part only. I pulled myself together and started to head back to the hotel, a little while later. When I reached the top of the stairs, I saw Dax walk by the open entrance at the front of the hotel. I ran the rest of the way, just in time to see him getting into his car. I wanted to yell for him, tell him to stop and talk to me, but nothing came out. He was leaving me this time, and I didn’t get a say so. I told him to leave, and for once in his stubborn ass life, he actually listened to me.

  The pain in my chest started to subside, after I watched his car disappear in the distance. I wasn’t sure if I would ever see him again, and that’s the part that killed me. I had finally had him back in my life, after ten long years and just like that, he was gone. I was starting to shiver from my wet clothing, when the valet attendant came up to me.

  “Are you okay, miss?”

  I nodded my head vigorously, not wanting to admit that I had finally been broken beyond repair. “Yes.” I answered through chattering teeth.

  “Do you need help up to your room?”

  “No. I can do it on my own.” And I knew I could.

  I spent the rest of the day on a lounge chair, on the beach. I sat there, staring at the ocean, drink in hand, not being able to have one coherent thought. I was in a daze, and as long as I was drunk, it didn’t bother me. I grabbed my phone and called the one person I knew I could always count on.

  “Charlee?”

  “Hi, Mom. What are you doing?”

  “I’m just at home, doing some housework. Where are you?”

  “I’m in California, sitting on the beach with a drink in my hand. It’s amazing and absolutely beautiful. I wish you were here.” I was starting to get choked up talking to her.

  “Honey, are you okay?”

  “Maybe I was meant to be alone forever. You’ve been alone a long time, does it ever get any easier?”

  She sighed. “Oh honey, it does, but it’s lonely sometimes. But you have your work, Charlee. You have an amazing job that you fought so hard to get and your amazing at it. I couldn’t be more proud of you. You’ll find somebody someday, I promise, baby girl.”

  A stray tear rolled down my cheek and I quickly swiped it away. “Thanks Mom. That means a lot to me. I’ll call you when I get back from the awards show, maybe we can get together for dinner?”

  “Sounds great. Now go enjoy your beach and I’ll talk to you soon. I love you, Charlee.”

  “I love you too.”

  I closed my eyes as I soaked up the remaining sun for the day. Tomorrow it was back to reality, and then two days after that, it was off to New York. I loved my life. What wasn’t there to love? I had an amazing job, a nice house and car, my family and basically everything I ever wanted, almost.

  ~ ~ ~ ~

  New York was beautiful in the fall, and I was beyond excited to be back in this amazing city. The awards show went great, and I got my article done that night and sent it off to my editor. I now had two free days to do whatever I wanted to do, and in New York, that meant a million things. I went to every major landmark, and maxed out my credit cards at stores I never thought I would ever get the chance to shop at. I was finding my groove again and it felt great.

  I hadn’t heard from Dax since that day in California, and I didn’t expect to be hearing from him anytime soon. Life was funny like that. Even when you thought you knew exactly what you wanted, someone comes along and changes your entire world. I regret choosing my family over him. I’ve regretted it everyday
since I did it, and that was exactly what I was going to tell him, before he left. Missed opportunities. They were something I was all too familiar with.

  I had just fallen asleep, when my hotel phone started ringing. I wasn’t sure who would be calling this late, but I picked it up anyway. “Hello?”

  “Hi Charlee, it’s Renee.”

  “Oh hi, Renee. Was there something wrong with my article?” Renee, my editor, rarely if ever called me, and now I was starting to worry that my work had been suffering given my current depression.

  “Oh, no sweetie. The article was fabulous as always. I was just calling to give you the good news. We’ve decided to run your article as our cover story next month.”

  I sat straight up in bed, shocked. My editor was hard to please, to say the least. “Oh my god. Renee, are you serious?”

  “That’s not it, Charlee. We would like to offer you a senior editor job. You would still get to write some pieces as well, but you would also have the new title and the responsibilities of that position. So, what do you say?”

  I was blown away. This is what I had been working towards since the day I graduated college. “Yes. Absolutely. I would love to take the job. Thank you, Renee.”

  “Fantastic. That’s fantastic. Okay, well as soon as you get back home, start packing. We will need you in Phoenix by next Monday.”

  “I’m sorry, what? Phoenix? But I live in Utah. I guess I just assumed the job was there.”

  “Nope. Phoenix. You still in?”

  I sat there in my pitch-black hotel room trying to think of a logical reason to say no. He was in Phoenix. My old life was back there, and I had no intentions on ever returning, ever.

  “Charlee, you still there or did I lose you?”

  “No, no I’m still here. Yes, Renee. I’m in.”

  “Perfect. I’ll email you all the details, and have my assistant set you up with some realtors in Utah and Arizona. This is going to be great for you, Charlee. I can feel it. Now go back to sleep. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  “Thank you, Renee.”

  I flung myself back on the mound of pillows behind me and stared blankly at the ceiling. My life was changing, and changing fast. I wasn’t exactly sure what I had just gotten myself into, but this was my dream job and I couldn’t say no.

  After an hour of laying wide awake, I decided to call Taylor. She was the only one who would be able to talk me through this.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Taylor. I’m so sorry I’m calling so late, but I need to talk. Were you sleeping?”

  “No, what’s up?”

  I took in a deep breath. “Guess who’s moving back to Arizona.”

  “NO WAY!”

  “Ow Taylor. That’s my ear.”

  “How did this happen?”

  “My editor just called me. She said my article will be the cover story for the magazine next month, and then she offered me a senior editor job.”

  “That’s amazing, on both counts. I’m so proud of you, Charlee. So proud. So, have you heard…”

  “No.” I cut her off before she could even bring up his name. “Well, I’m going to go back to sleep. I have an early flight tomorrow. I guess I’ll be seeing you next week.”

  “I can’t wait, Char.”

  “Alright, I’ll talk to you later. Sleep good, hun.”

  “Oh, hey Charlee?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Congratulations.”

  I smiled through the phone line. “Thanks, Taylor.”

  I hung up with Taylor and tried to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned for hours and by the time I was finally ready to fall asleep, it was time for me to get up. I took a quick shower, packed my bags and headed out. Time to get home and uproot my life. Hooray for me.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Dax

  I regretted leaving her, every day since. As much as I didn’t want to walk away from her, I had to. I had to come home and deal with my life on my own terms. I wanted to tell her my plans, and that I was going to be leaving my wife anyway, but it wasn’t fair to her. I didn’t want her feeling as though she was the one to blame for the demise of my marriage. The truth was, my marriage was over a long time ago. I married her out of convenience; we both did. She was there when I was hurting and at my lowest point, and we both leaned on each other. We didn’t marry one another because we were in love. Well at least it wasn't love for me. We married each other because we were both so badly broken from our previous relationships, that it just made sense in the long run.

  I loved my wife. I can’t say I never did, but it wasn’t the same love that I felt for Charlee, and my wife knew it. She always knew that she was my second choice, and she never let me forget it. When we first got together, I never thought that I would ever hear from Charlee again, let alone see her. We were even somewhat happy for the most part, but the minute I got that note from Taylor asking me to call, my entire world changed.

  When I got back from California, my wife was waiting for me at home. She sat on the edge of the couch, with a suitcase packed and keys in her hand. I convinced her to hold on just a little bit longer, to give me time to figure some things out, but she was done and honestly, so was I. Now I was driving with her to go finalize our divorce papers. She had been giving me hell all morning, but I was suffering through it for the sake of my sanity. I didn’t want this marriage to end on bad terms, and I needed to make sure that she didn’t take me to the cleaners when it came to the divorce. I was basically biding my time, until she was ready to let me go for good.

  I was caught up in my thoughts of Charlee when I heard a faint honking of a horn in the far off distance. Before I could even glance back at the car that the honking was coming from, glass was flying everywhere and I was being ejected through the windshield. Everything was running in slow motion. My head flung back and hit the seat, and then I was catapulted over the steering wheel and through the windshield. I could feel the glass cutting every inch of my face as I landed in the street. My chest hurt and I could taste the metallic taste of my blood pooling in my mouth. Small sharp, grainy pieces of gravel were protruding through my skin, as my face lay lifeless against the ground. I blinked my eyes for a brief second, and then my entire life flashed before me.

  I saw nothing of my recent life, which was odd. Every flash of memory was of my time with Charlee. I could see her face almost as though she was right in front of me. I could smell her vanilla lotion that she insisted on using, even though I couldn’t stand the smell of it. I could hear her voice calling me. Asking me to be with her. My eyes opened seconds later, and all I could see were flashes of red and blue. I could hear people talking, but couldn’t make out anything they were saying. Seconds later, my world went black.

  I gave up and fell into the dark oblivion where everything was uncomplicated. Life was easier. Choices didn’t need to be made, I was free to do whatever I pleased and best of all, I was free to be with Charlee with no remorse. Some say this would be considered hell, but this was my heaven. Being with Charlee, no matter the place, would always be my heaven.

  I felt my body lift from the ground, and then the faint sound of my heartbeat was all I could hear. I could feel every vein, every artery and every muscle come to life, and I secretly wanted to scream out in agony. I wasn’t ready to leave Charlee. I needed her to live. I needed to be able to be with her whole-heartedly.

  “I have a pulse. Let’s get him into surgery.”

  I wasn’t sure where I was and who was talking around me, but it sounded bad. I was fading in and out and couldn’t grasp on to anything tangible, other than random words that were being shout out.

  “We’re about to lose him again. Let’s get him under now. Call neuro.”

  In my mind I was trying to force myself to speak. To tell whoever it was around me, to just let me go so I could be with her. Then she appeared. Charlee came back to me. She was standing across from me, smiling that mega watt smile.

  “What are you doing here?” I wait
ed for an answer, but she just stood there with a smile. No words passed between those beautiful lips, and her expression never changed. “Say something Charlee, anything.” Still she didn't answer. “I miss you, Charlee. Every single minute of every single day.” I needed her to answer me. I needed to hear her voice in my time of weakness. I moved towards her, and she started to fade away. “Wait, Charlee. Don’t go.” It was too late. She was gone. I started running. Trying to chase after her, but she was nowhere to be found. I shouted her name, but the only thing I heard was the echo of my own voice bouncing off the walls. I urged myself to keep running down the white walled hallway, even though I was going nowhere. There was nobody to be found, and nowhere else to go, but down the exact same hallway.

  Finally a corner appeared, and I ran around it, hoping it would lead me to Charlee, but all it led me to, was more white walls. I stopped running. I stood in the middle of the hallway and looked in every different direction. I was trying to catch my breath, when my body gave out. I was on the ground, and my heart was struggling to keep beating. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel. My body was slowly shutting down and I was all alone. My body arched off of the ground again and I took in a deep breath of fresh air. I could smell the ocean, and that damn vanilla lotion again, and it reminded me of when we were in California together. I smiled. I smiled knowing that if this was the last memory I was able to access before I died, at least it was a good one. Then the blackness took over again, and I took my last breath.

  Chapter Forty

  Charlee

  I was just about to walk out the door and head to work, when my phone started ringing from my purse. I reached into my oversized bag for it, almost missing the call in the process. Because it took me so long to find my phone, I didn’t bother checking the caller ID before I answered.

  “Hello?”

  “Is this Charlee?”

  “This is. Can I ask who is calling?”

  “My name is Rachael. I’m Dax’s wife.”

  My heart stopped and my mouth went dry. I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t even sure as to why she was calling me. “Um…hi?”