Forever and Almost Always

by Bennett, Amanda

  “Look, I’m sorry to call you, but there’s been an accident.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m confused. Aren’t you his wife? Why are you calling me, if you’re there with him?”

  “He’s asking for you.”

  I sat down on my front porch, to compose myself before continuing this conversation with a woman that knew exactly who I was. “I don’t think it’s a good idea if I come up there. Is..Is he okay?”

  There was a long pause before she answered and I nearly had a heart attack because of the silence. “They had to shock him twice, and he’s in critical condition. Look, I didn’t want to call you. You’re the last person I wanted to call, but I’m trying to be the bigger person here. Can you please just come up to Phoenix Memorial? I’ll wait for you in the lobby.”

  Before I could answer her, she hung up. I pushed myself up from the front steps and got into my car. I felt like Alice, in Alice and Wonderland, having to choose which direction to go. I knew what my heart was telling me to do, but my head knew it was a bad idea. I was finally starting to heal a little bit after what had happened. But seeing him, seeing him would bring it all back. The feelings, the memories, and the life I once wanted with him. I quickly turned the wheel and was suddenly heading in the direction of the hospital. I was terrified that this could possibly be my last chance to see him, if he was in that bad of shape. I was trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of questions, and the evil looks for the mistress who her husband still loved, but nothing could’ve prepared me for what I was about to walk in on.

  I pulled up to the hospital about thirty minutes later, and slowly made my way into the lobby. I didn’t know what his wife looked like, but I’m sure she knew what I looked like, so I wasn’t worried. When a familiar face started walking towards me, my heart began to hurt. I never knew his wife’s name before today, and it still didn't click in my brain. He never said it. He went out of his way to not say it, and now I knew why. As she approached me, my breathing became erratic and I had to force myself to calm down. I had to remember that she was who he chose.

  “It’s been a long time.”

  “That it has, Rachael. Where is he?”

  “He’s upstairs in the ICU. They said that he has to go in for a post-op scan and that he will be back in about thirty minutes. That gives us thirty minutes to talk.”

  “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. Look Rachael, you won. You have him. He’s yours. I just came to make sure that he was still alive. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn't at least come by.”

  “Just sit down, Charlee and give me a minute.”

  I sat down in the chair right behind me, closing my eyes and taking in a deep breath as she started talking.

  “I knew he never loved me. I thought maybe over time, he could learn to love me, but I knew even if he did that love would never compare to what the two of you had, or have. I fell in love with him before he met you. When I got pregnant, I honestly thought that was our chance to be together. I knew I was fooling myself. When he took me to get the abortion, I knew how much he cared about you. If he was willing to do that to keep you, I knew what that meant.”

  “Wait a second, he took you to get an abortion?” I was flabbergasted.

  “Sorry, did you not know that?”

  “No, he just told me he took care of it. I didn’t know what he meant, until now.” I hung my head in defeat.

  “When you left him, you broke him. Not just figuratively speaking either. He was so depressed and distraught when we started hanging out again, that I didn’t even know how to be there for him. But I learned. I got him through all of it, and we were happy. But, I knew the minute you came back into his life. His whole demeanor changed. He was distant and cold and I knew that the only reason he would ever leave me, would be because of you.”

  I tried to interrupt her, but she put her hand up.

  “Just let me finish. He doesn’t love me, Charlee, and honestly I don’t think I love him either. At least not the way you’re supposed to love someone you’re married to. He needs you now more than ever, and if you can’t be there for him I understand, but he wants you. He asked for you. We were heading to the courthouse to finalize our divorce, so don’t think you were the cause, because you weren’t. Him and I were at fault. We knew we weren’t meant to be together.”

  “Rachael what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I’m walking away. You two belong together. I know it, you know it, and he knows it. Hell everybody who has ever met the two of you knows it. Go to him. Go be with him before I change my mind.”

  I stood up from the chair and glanced over at the elevators. I turned back to Rachael and smiled. “Thank you, Rachael. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this is how it ended for the two of you.”

  “We were over a long time ago. Tell him I said good-bye.”

  “I will.” I watched her walk away and out the hospital doors, before I turned and ran. I ran like I was on fire to get to those elevators, and up to the only man I had ever loved. I slowed my pace as I approached the nurse’s station. I didn’t want to go in to see him and react badly, making him even more anxious than he probably already was. So I tried to get myself together now.

  “Hi, can I help you?”

  The short nurse behind the desk was looking at me as though I was in the wrong place. “I’m looking for Dax Harper.”

  “And you are?”

  “I’m his…um…I’m. I’m Charlee. His wife Rachael said I could come up.” I swallowed down the bile that rose in my throat at calling her his wife. I had to just keep reminding myself that they were in the process of getting a divorce.

  “Oh, okay. He’s right down the hall, on the right. Room 211.”

  “Thank you.”

  My feet were going faster than the rest of my body, and before I knew it, I was standing in front of the glass doors to his room. I looked up with tears in my eyes, as he lay there half dead. He looked so lifeless, so at rest. I reached for the handle on the door, but couldn’t bring myself to open it. But I had to do this, so I shook off my anxiety and fear, closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I slid open the door.

  I wasn’t sure if he was still unconscious, so I pulled a chair over to the side of his bed and sat down. I was afraid to touch him. His face was almost unrecognizable with the amount of swelling from the trauma to his face. His head was wrapped in gauze across his left eye and all around his head. It was heart breaking to see him in this condition and every time I would look at his face, a shiver would run down my spine. He had to be okay. He had to come back to me. This couldn’t be how our story ended.

  “You can touch him, and we encourage the family to talk to them. I know it may seem like he can’t hear you, but I like to think he can.”

  I glanced up at the same nurse from the desk with a half-hearted smile. “Are you sure?”

  She walked towards me, checking the dozens of monitors that were attached to him, as she smiled back at me. “I promise, it will at least make you feel better. Just try it. I’ll be back in about twenty minutes to check on him again.”

  I nodded and slowly reached for his hand. His fingers were colder than I remembered, but it put my heart at ease being able to touch him again. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze and leaned forward clutching his hand to my chest.

  “I’m not sure if you can hear me. This is stupid.” I whispered the last part just in case he could hear me. “I don’t even know what to say, Dax. I wasn’t prepared to see you again, ever. When you left, well, never mind it isn’t important now. I miss you. I’ve missed you, so much. I’m sure you expected to hear your wife’s voice, but I talked to her. She’s actually the one who called me. I didn’t know it was her this entire time. I didn’t know that you had married, Rachael. God, this is all coming out wrong. Maybe I should just be quiet.” I let go of his hand and sat back, covering my face with my hands. I had no idea what to say to him. I was at a loss for words, and my heart was breaking just seeing him in th
is condition.

  “Don’t stop.” His voice was horse, and I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly.

  “Oh my god, Dax? Are you awake?”

  I leaned forward, grabbing his hand again. This time my grasp was firm. I pressed the call button for the nurse and tried to look at him.

  “Yes. What happened?”

  I opened my mouth to tell him, but I honestly didn’t know what happened. “Um, I don’t know. The nurse should be in here in a minute. She can tell you.”

  His right eye opened and I sucked in a deep breath. His eyes searched my face, for what I wasn’t sure. “I’m so sorry, Charlee.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. He was seriously worried about me, when he was the one in the ICU. “I know, Dax. Don’t even worry about it right now. Just worry about getting better.”

  “Charlee, we-“

  “Look who is finally awake. How are you feeling?” I let out a loud sigh as the nurse came walking in.

  “My head hurts.”

  “Well that’s normal given your condition.”

  “What happened?”

  “You were in a car accident with your wife. You weren’t wearing your seat belt, and you were ejected from the car through the windshield.”

  “Rachael? Oh my god, is she okay?”

  “Your wife is fine. Fortunately, she was wearing a seat belt, so she had minimal injuries. As far as I know, she just had a bad headache and a small laceration to her chest from the seat belt catching after the impact.”

  “Oh good. Is she here?”

  I slowly pulled my hand from his and sat back against the hard chair. I knew how selfish I was being, but it hurt knowing that all he could do was think about Rachael when I was sitting right here. It was understandable, given the fact that she was still his wife, but that didn’t lessen the blow it took to my ego. She said he loved me, but in all honestly, I was beginning to get the feeling that he had actually fallen in love with his wife.

  The nurse continued to fill him in on what happened and Dax’s current state, but I didn’t hear a single word she said. He didn’t try to reach for me. He didn’t even try to talk to me, or look at me briefly, and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. When you get married, you say for better and worse, but what if I couldn’t handle worse?

  About ten minutes later, the doctor came in to speak to Dax and he still hadn’t made any attempt to keep me in the know. So I stood, grabbed my purse and walked out of his room. He didn’t call for me, and I’m not sure I would’ve stopped even if he would have. When I got to the nurse’s station, and went to turn the corner, I felt a small hand grab my elbow. I turned unprepared for who was grabbing me.

  “Sometimes it just takes time.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “Come with me.”

  I looked down at the petite nurse’s name badge, wanting to make our conversation a bit more personalized. “Look Tracy, I’m not sure what you want to say, but-“

  “Just follow me, Charlee.”

  When we stopped in front of a coffee maker, I was grateful. There were too many things running through my head, and I was in serious need of caffeine. Tracy poured herself a cup and then handed one to me. She led me over to the small table in the corner of the room and took a seat.

  “I know it’s hard. Sometimes it just takes a little while for patients to come around.”

  “He doesn’t even care that I’m here.”

  “He does, I know that much. I was here when he first came in, and the only thing he kept saying was, Charlee. He asked for you every time he was coherent. I watched as his wife held his hand, hoping that he would ask for her, but he never did. When he asked about her just now that was the first time he has even said her name. I don’t know your story, but I know love when I see it. He loves you. As much as you don’t want to admit it, he does love you. I talked to Rachael before she left. She told me to let you see him. Usually we only let immediate family and spouses in the ICU, but she insisted that I allow you up here. That’s saying something.”

  I shook my head. I heard what she was saying, but Dax’s actions were proving otherwise. “He’s the only man I’ve ever loved. From the first day I saw him, I knew he was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It’s been a rough road, and it’s extremely complicated, but…she let him go. She gave him to me, like he was some prize to be won. Who does that?”

  Tracy placed her hand on top of mine. “Someone who knows that they don’t stand a chance. I know that feeling all too well, and it’s not fun. I’m sure she knew the love that you two share. Sometimes it’s easier to walk away than it is to fight, knowing that you’ll lose. Like I said, just give him some time.”

  “Is he going to be okay?”

  “As long as everything goes well overnight, he should be on the road to recovery in no time.”

  I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding when she said that. “How do you do it? How do you see people like this, on the cusp of death practically, and still find it in yourself to be positive? Because right now, I’m having a hell of a time being positive.”

  “It’s my job. I’ve seen some of the worst things and some of the best. When someone survives something horrible, it makes you look at life a little bit differently. Dax isn’t dying, Charlee. I’m not going to lie, he had some major trauma, but the surgeon feels confident that the swelling in his brain will go down and he will be just fine.”

  My eyes shot up to hers. “He has swelling in his brain?”

  “I’m sorry, I thought you heard the doctor talking to him?”

  “No, I was preoccupied.”

  “Do you want me to tell you all of his injuries?” I nodded and closed my eyes as Tracy broke it all down for me. “Basically his brain started to swell, and they had to drill a small hole to give it room to breathe. His left eye was swollen as well, and when they finally were able to open it, there were tiny shards of glass that had scraped the cornea. Those are the worst of his injuries. All the other ones are superficial and just need time to heal. His left arm was sprained but not broken, and his shoulder was dislocated, but we got it back in place. Other than that, he will be fine. His body just needs time to heal.”

  “Can I go back and see him now?”

  “Let’s go.”

  As we neared his room, I tried to slow down, but Tracy pushed me forward. I knew I was only prolonging the inevitable, but I just felt like I needed more time. Dax was wide-awake as I entered the room. I stood at the end of his bed, wanting more than anything to go to him, but I needed him to want me there.

  “Charlee. Come here.”

  I tried to smile as I made my way over to the chair next to him, but it was a half-hearted attempt, and he noticed immediately.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s nothing.” I hesitantly took his hand and pressed my lips to the back of it. “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m fine. How are you?”

  “I’ve been better.”

  “How did you get here so fast? How did you even know?”

  “Rachael called me, and I moved back.”

  “What? How long ago? Why didn’t you call me?”

  “Calm down, Dax. I moved back about a week ago. I got a promotion at work, and that meant moving back here. And, I didn’t call because you’re married.”

  I tried to pull my hand out of his grasp, but he only squeezed it tighter. He reached for my chin to raise my head up and look at him. It pained me to see the hurt behind his eyes, but the pain was nothing compared to how I felt knowing that he had been with her every minute since he left me. He didn’t know what Rachael did, or that she walked away from him, but I also didn’t want to be the one to hurt him any further.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Dax

  I was having the damnedest time trying to fathom what she was saying. She moved back? How did I not know this? She was pulling away from me. She was pulling back physically and emotionally, but there was no way I wa
s about to let her run away from me. Not this time.

  “I know I’m still married, Charlee. I know that, but we were headed to the courthouse to finalize our divorce. I’m sorry I didn’t call you after I left. I had to do this on my own. I couldn’t ask you to wait, or leave her because of you. It wouldn’t have been fair to any of us. I had to do this on my own terms, and if you can’t understand that, then I don’t know where we go from here.” The pain meds were starting to kick in and my eyes were getting heavy. I tried to keep my focus on her, but I could barely stay awake.

  “I get it, Dax and respect you for making this decision on your own. How did we even get here? What we have, or had, is amazing. I just don’t know how we’re supposed to get past this. I love you, Dax, with all of my heart. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by that I didn’t wish for you to show up on my doorstep, or call me begging for me to come back, but eventually I had to realize that it may never happen.”

  “Are you saying you’ve moved on?”

  She leaned forward resting her head on my stomach as she held my hand. “No Dax, that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is, how do we start over?”

  I brought my other hand up to her face and stroked her hair. “We both decide if it’s what we really want, and if it is, then we make the decision to let the past go, together.” Her face lit up at the idea, and I smiled in return. “There has never been anybody else for me, Charlee. You’ve always been my forever. I hate to bring this up, but did you happen to see Rachael when you got here?”

  She closed her eyes as she sighed. I could see the tears forming and I wanted more than anything to be able to be the one to comfort her.

  “Yeah, I did.”

  “Did she say anything?”

  Charlee squeezed her eyes tight before she opened them and sat up. She took my hand and brought it up to her lips, pressing them lightly against my skin. I let my eyes flutter shut with the mixture of medication and desire flowing through my veins. The smell of her vanilla lotion assaulted my senses, but this time I didn’t despise the smell. The smell was actually soothing and it instantly became one of my favorites. She was beautiful. When I opened my eyes and she was still sitting there, looking at me with that adoring look, I found her to be the most beautiful woman I had ever laid my eyes on. Her face went from adoring to fearful, and I really started to worry about what she was about to tell me.