“Death is my life, Chip. Seriously, how much worse can it get?”
“I don’t want to lose you,” he said. “Please let me help you.”
“I want to go with you,” she insisted. “Neither one of us should be alone right now. We need each other. Please.”
Chip paused for a few minutes, contemplating her request. Sara was afraid he was going to say no. She knew he would do anything to protect her. She hoped he realized that being in the hospital surrounded by sick and dying people was riskier than being with him. She felt better when she was with him. This place made her feel ill.
“Please,” she said again. “I feel better when I’m with you. And I’m having too many visions here. I can’t handle any more today.”
“Okay,” he said finally. “But please promise me you won’t try anything.”
“I will stay right by your side,” she agreed.
***
Dave’s funeral arrangements were all just a blur for both Sara and Chip. As the funeral director spoke, a curtain of fog surrounded them, shielding them from the heartbreak and devastation that death always brought. They picked out a casket and a poem for the funeral card. They chose the prayers that would be said and the words that would be spoken at the funeral. They did so with love and respect in their hearts, but with an ironclad numbness in their minds and souls—a numbness that prevented the shower of tears that would surely come if they only allowed themselves to feel for one brief moment.
Sara resented the fact that they were forced to make these decisions, to get up, get dressed, and go out into the world. She especially hated being expected to function and carry on as if everything were normal. The love of her life had just lost his father. Life was anything but normal.
It’s weird how when someone dies the world feels like it has just stopped for you, but for everyone else, it somehow continues, Sara thought. You want to just scream out and say, “No, the world can’t just go on as if nothing has happened. Someone died.” Can’t we stop time, just for a little while? Why does everything have to continue as if nothing has changed, when in reality everything has changed? The world will never be quite the same again. No passage of time, no business-as-usual, could ever undo what has already been done.
Sara despised death. Yet, at many times, she was so ready to die. What a contradiction. She knew her time was coming soon. She could feel herself being pulled away from Chip, away from this life that had brought her so much anguish. Yes, she would kill herself soon. She had promised Chip she would stay by his side, and she intended to honor that promise for now. After the funeral, she would make her exit. She knew the perfect spot for her final moment. It was a place of peace. Maybe then she would finally have some peace herself.
“Are you okay?” Chip asked suddenly, grabbing Sara’s hand.
She stared blankly ahead, still sitting at the large, hard funeral home conference table where they had been discussing the arrangements. Sara thought she had heard Chip speak to her, but she was too far away in her thoughts to be sure.
“Sara?” Chip said again. She turned her eyes slightly in his direction to meet his gaze.
“What?” she said weakly.
“I asked if you were okay,” he replied.
“Oh,” she said. “I’m all right. Are you okay?”
“Hanging in there,” he said, giving her hand a tight squeeze. “We’re almost done here.”
“Good,” she said.
They finished up the remaining details before rising from their seats and shaking the funeral director’s hand. As they walked to the door, Sara caught a whiff of gladiolus from a neighboring room. She turned and spotted an older bald man lying in a casket, surrounded by colorful varieties of flowers. Her chest constricted, and her breathing became labored and shallow. Pneumonia, she thought. That’s what the man had died from.
What she saw next took her by surprise. Standing in front of the dead man was Dave, dressed in a black suit and red tie and looking about twenty years younger than he was when he had passed. He stared at her with deep concern and shook his head. His mouth didn’t move, but she heard the words: “Don’t do it.”
Sara shuddered, feeling a wave of guilt and fear run through her. No, he can’t be here, she thought. He’s dead. I must really be losing it.
She blinked hard and looked again. Dave was gone.
***
The funeral was two days later. It was a dark, cloudy, dreary day. The rain created muddy puddles, but hid the tears that would occasionally escape from Chip’s and Sara’s eyes. They walked arm in arm through the doors of St. James Catholic Church in Houghton Lake. Sara wore a simple black dress with a scoop neck and a string of pearls, and Chip had on a black suit and blue tie. They looked elegant and poised, but inside was a different story. Their hearts were broken.
As an empath, Sara could feel not only her own emotions, but Chip’s as well. Her once happy, hopeful lover was now filled with a sorrow that no one could penetrate. Sara herself felt a bleak, quiet sadness that was different from the usual intense fear and pain that accompanied her visions. She had not really known Dave, yet she still felt a sense of loss. She had gotten to know him well enough during the hours they spent together, and had also witnessed his death before the fact. She knew what was in his heart because she had felt it. She knew he was a good man—sometimes misguided and materialistic, but still a kindhearted person who thought the world of Chip. He would be missed.
It must be nice to have a family that feels that way about you, Sara thought. Her own family had only consisted of her mother and grandmother, until her mom’s untimely demise. And though her grandmother’s love for her was strong and deep, it wasn’t the same as having her parents in her life. She never knew her father’s love. He had died when she was a baby. She never felt the pride and protectiveness a dad feels toward his child. Sara’s family life was a distant memory, and she had spent so many years on her own that she hardly recalled what it even felt like to have a family.
Chip and Sara quietly took their seats in the church pews and the service began shortly after. After a long series of prayers and several rounds of sitting and standing, the church choir began to sing “Amazing Grace.” The mourners bowed their heads, and Sara felt the emotions stirring inside of her as the song played. A tear trickled down her cheek, and she quickly wiped it with the back of her hand. She glanced sadly at Chip, who was now visibly crying, his eyes red and puffy. She took his hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. He looked at her lovingly and with a nod of appreciation.
Even in his despair, Chip was gorgeous. Maybe even more so. His sorrow made him vulnerable, and Sara found that sexy. She pictured his naked body and the way it shimmered in the light of the campfire days earlier. She desperately wanted to go back to that moment, to have him like that again. But this was neither the time nor the place for such thoughts. They were here to bid farewell to Dave. Sara shifted her thoughts back to the church and the funeral service. Music echoed through the air, and the angelic choir voices became louder and more powerful as they neared the end of their touching rendition of “Amazing Grace.”
Sara’s eyes then fell on a tiny beam of sunlight that filtered through the church window and illuminated the casket where Dave’s body rested. It was a glorious, beautiful sight that momentarily filled Sara with love and peace. She turned her head toward Chip and saw his eyes widen in amazement. She knew what he was thinking. It was as if Dave’s soul was being lifted directly up to Heaven at that moment. She knew what Chip believed, and that this experience must surely give him great peace and comfort. But for her, it was just a lucky coincidence. It was beautiful, but it didn’t really mean anything. Sara wasn’t about to change her beliefs based on a happenstance tiny ray of sunlight. She was glad it made Chip feel better, though. He deserved some brightness in his life at such a sorrowful time.
The light faded after a few seconds, and the dark clouds were soon blocking the sun’s rays once again. Sara looked around at the
people in the church. No one seemed fazed by the experience. It was almost as if they expected it. Even stranger was what Sara was now feeling. She was taking notice of the emotions of the congregation. Somehow the mood in the church had changed from solemn to hopeful, and that hope lingered. All it took was a tiny ray of light to overcome the darkness that had taken over their hearts. As the priest delivered words of comfort, he mentioned the miraculous moment of sunlight during the service. He assured everyone that it was a precious gift from God and stressed that it was God’s way of reminding them of the eternal life that awaits us all. He told the congregation that although they would miss Dave, they would indeed be reunited with him again one day in Heaven. Dave was now at peace. He was in a better place.
Anything’s better than here, Sara thought, remembering the sadness and suffering she often felt. However, she had no hopes of one day reaching Heaven and rejoicing. Her only hope was that she would one day feel nothing at all.
The mass ended, and Chip put his arm around Sara. He leaned over close to her, and she could feel his breath on her neck as he whispered: “Wasn’t that incredible? I could really feel Dad’s presence when the light came through the church window. I know he is okay and at peace now.”
Sara gave him a small smile. She wasn’t about to burst his bubble by suggesting it was just a coincidence. “You know what else?” he asked.
“What?”
“For a moment, I thought I caught a glimpse of my dad. He was wearing a black suit and red tie, and he looked about twenty years younger. He was smiling at me. Then he disappeared.”
Sara felt her heart skip a beat. Now that’s an interesting coincidence, she thought. That’s exactly how I pictured him at the funeral home, standing by that man’s casket.
They headed for the car and prepared for the funeral procession. As their vehicle left the parking lot, all Sara could think of was that it was almost over. She wasn’t just thinking about Dave’s funeral. She was thinking of how she would soon be free. The end was finally near.
Don’t do it. She heard the words again, followed by an image in her mind of Dave. He was once again wearing the black suit and red tie.
“I have to,” she said aloud.
“You have to what?” Chip asked.
“I have to get some sleep,” she replied quickly. “It’s been a rough day. Could you please drop me off at home?”
“Sure,” he said. “I’m exhausted, too. Maybe we can both get a little nap in. I’ll pick you up later, and we can have dinner.”
Sara just nodded. She knew that he would not be picking her up for dinner later. By then it would be too late. She would already be gone.
Chapter 15
At death’s door
Dave’s death and funeral took a toll on Sara, and she found herself feeling especially vulnerable. She had promised herself that she could end her life once the funeral was over; finally, that day had come. She wished there was some other way. She truly did love Chip. But she was so tired of struggling all the time. The overwhelming pain and sorrow were always lurking just below the surface, threatening to take her away. And now, with the funeral, those feelings had once again taken over her soul.
She knew that Chip wanted to help her—just like he had helped so many of his clients—but in her eyes, she was beyond help. Although Chip had a calm, uplifting demeanor, he couldn’t stop her visions of death or take away the pain and sadness she felt. She did find moments of happiness and fulfillment with him, and for that she was incredibly grateful. He loved her like no one else ever would or could. But unfortunately, love was not enough.
She thought again of Merek and Margaret. They had loved each other so much, but it had destroyed them. The dream of Margaret overlooking the cliff appeared in Sara’s mind. She knew what Margaret was thinking. She understood Margaret’s misery better than anyone. Death’s clutches were just too powerful for her to overcome. Without Merek, she no longer had the will to live. Sara watched intently as the scene played out to its conclusion.
Margaret stood at the edge of the cliff, tears streaming down her face. Her heart was raw, like a thousand blades had cut through her flesh, just as the guards had sliced and tortured Merek. She could no longer go on.
Merek arrived once again and wrapped his arms around her from behind. “Let me help thee,” he whispered, his voice blending with the wind.
“Thou cannot help me now, my love,” Margaret sobbed. “Thou est already dead.”
“Don’t do this, Margaret,” Merek urged. “It won’t solve anything. It will only create new problems.”
“Nothing could possibly be worse than living without thee,” she said.
“But that’s just it. Thou needn’t live without me. We can be together. But if you kill thyself, you shall go to a place where I cannot reach thee. We will be apart for a very long time. It doesn’t have to be this way.”
“I don’t believe in an afterlife,” she said. “I’ve never seen any proof that life goes on. I just want this all to end.”
“Then explain this,” he said. “If there’s no afterlife, how could thy be speaking to thee right now?”
“Well, that’s easy,” she said. “Thou art a hallucination, brought on by me profound grief. It happens all the time to people when they lose a loved one. I need to do this.”
“Then do what ye must. But mark me words: we shall meet again someday, my love,” he said. “In another time, another place, we shall be together. Nothing can separate two hearts who belong together, not time, not space, and certainly not death.”
“That’s where thee is wrong, Merek,” she said angrily. “It’s too late. Death has already separated us. Death has won.”
Margaret took one last look over the cliff and jumped to her death. Sara felt the unbearable crush of Margaret’s bones as her body hit the rocks below. Then there was blackness. This is how the story of Merek and Margaret ends. And this would be how hers ended, too.
Sara took a deep breath as she stood looking out at the deep waters that awaited her. She wore a white, cotton gauze dress. Her fiery hair hung down in messy curls, signaling freedom—freedom to choose and freedom to leave. The sun was beginning to set and cast orange shadows on the beach. The air around her was still and very quiet. The lake beckoned her to join it.
She had returned to Herrick Recreation Area, the place that held special memories of her time with Chip. She treasured the time they had spent there and those heartfelt moments that had given her solace from her pain. She wished that they could have lasted forever.
Unfortunately, her happiness was short-lived, and she now knew for certain that nothing and no one could ever permanently erase the anguish that plagued her heart. The urge to kill herself was uncontrollable, undeniable.
Sara began walking slowly into the water. She felt the icy cold wetness surround her ankles, her calves, her knees, and then her thighs. She thought fondly of Chip and the many memories she had of him. At least she would leave this world knowing what it felt like to be loved completely and unconditionally. Her final days were some of her best.
A seagull squawked overhead, as if calling out a warning, but she ignored it. Sara continued pressing forward, getting closer and closer to the fate that had always awaited her. The water was now up to her chest, and she breathed deeply. It’s chill penetrated her heart and numbed her from the many conflicting feelings that threatened to abort her plan. Apprehensively, she continued.
The tears fell effortlessly from her troubled blue eyes, emptying into the lake and joining it as one. Now chin-deep in the water, Sara took her final breaths of fresh air. Soon she would be fully immersed and, before long, her oxygen-deprived lungs would fill with cold water and lead her into nothingness.
Goodbye, Chip, she thought. I love you. Loving him was the only thing that ever felt right to Sara. She hated the thought of leaving him but, as she had told herself many times, she had no choice. The anguish and turmoil she experienced could never be overcome. She had live
d with it for too long. It had weakened her spirit. It had taken over her mind. Death had claimed her soul long ago.
Sara’s entire body was now fully submerged in the frigid water. It welcomed her as she sank effortlessly down into its depths. She struggled a bit at first, her arms flailing beside her, her lungs fighting to breathe. Her survival instinct had involuntarily kicked in. Her pulse quickened. She gasped for air, but what she got instead was a large dose of water. Sara was choking, suffocating. Her life force was draining. She felt herself fading, bit by bit. It was uncomfortable, unpleasant, and scary but not as horrible as she had imagined. So, this is what it feels like to die, she thought. Sara soon felt faint and tired. So tired. She could hardly move anymore. It was as if a thousand weights held her firmly in place. Her body became limp, her mind a gentle fog. It will all be over soon, she told herself. Everything will finally be okay. No more suffering. No more pain. No more anything.
“That’s where thee is wrong,” Margaret’s voice called out. She was floating alongside Sara in the water. “Killing thyself doesn’t solve anything; it only makes matters worst. Trust me, I know. What do you think I’ve been trying to teach you all this time?”
“You haven’t taught me,” Sara protested, her weary body drifting through the water. “All you’ve done is torment me. Do you really think I wanted to experience your pain? Do you think I wanted to see Merek brutally murdered right in front of my eyes?”
“I showed thee all of that for a reason, so you would understand.”
“All I understand is that life is horrific… and excruciating… and unfair. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m done with this wretched life.”
“Very well, then,” Margaret said. “But don’t say I didn’t warn thee.”
The last fragments of lifeforce drained from Sara’s body. The moment she had waited for had finally come. There was no turning back now. A final pang of fear came over Sara as she thought about Chip. She saw his smiling face and felt his love surrounding her. Then she felt his fear, his pain, and his anguish. Chip wanted to save her, but this time he couldn’t. He was too late. Oh my God, she thought. What have I done? Sara saw blackness befall her, and then there was nothing.
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