When I got back into the car, I felt something was still off. There was an uneasiness in the air that I didn’t like. When I sat down in the passenger seat, Cody was still staring straight ahead. He didn’t turn to look at me.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“Sure,” he said but still didn’t meet my gaze. “Can we get out of here?”
I wanted desperately to look into his eyes but they were masked by his sunglasses.
“Please tell me what’s going on,” I pleaded as I touched his arm. I guessed this is the intense and moody artist he had warned me about when we first met.
The muscles of his arm tensed on my touch. I suddenly felt awkward with my hand on him, so I removed it.
When he turned to face me, his expression was grim. “Can we please leave now?” he asked through clenched teeth.
I didn’t know whether to be angry or hurt. I didn’t know what I had done wrong. “Can you please remove your sunglasses so I can see your eyes?” I spat out with more pain in my voice than I wanted.
He flipped up his sunglasses so they rested on the top of his head. His looked at me with such intensity it shook me to the core.
I could feel a lump welling up in my throat. I tried to hold back the emotion but it was too overwhelming. “Please tell me what’s wrong.” I was barely able to squeak the words out before my voice broke.
I could tell he wasn’t being completely honest with me and I hated it. It reminded me of Rob and his lies. The last thing I wanted was another relationship with a man who was hiding something.
He didn’t look at me as he spoke. “I told you there were things in my past that I’d rather not talk about. Being here reminds me of those things.”
I turned away because I didn’t want him to see that I was starting to cry. “Drive,” I said trying not to show the emotion in my voice. I wanted for him to open up to me but he wouldn’t. Why didn’t he trust me? What was he hiding?
Cody flipped his sunglasses over his eyes and put the car in drive. He left so quickly the tires squealed out of the parking lot. He still wouldn’t look in my direction. Tears were now streaming down my face, so I turned to face the window.
I did my best to stifle the sobs that were catching in my chest. Maybe Mel and Lizzie were right. Maybe Cody was too young for me. Every doubt that I had about our relationship now flooded to the surface. What was I doing with a man who would reveal so little of his past to me? I didn’t want to set myself up to be hurt again. I had just mended my heart from Rob’s breaking it.
I cleared my throat in an effort to stop myself from crying but it didn’t work. I started weeping.
I could see Cody glance in my direction. “Damn it!” he said as slapped his hand against the wheel. He pulled the car over to the side of the road and parked.
He turned to face me and lifted his sunglasses so I could see his eyes. “What’s going on, Jenny?” His stare was laser intense.
I balled. I couldn’t contain my emotion. I felt too vulnerable and insecure.
“It’s okay,” Cody said as he took me into his strong arms and cradled me. He kissed my forehead then wiped the tears from my eyes. “Don’t cry.”
I nestled my face into his chest and heaved a few more time trying to control the sobbing. He stroked my hair and tried to sooth me. “I love you so much,” he whispered so softly, I wondered if I had heard him correctly.
“Then why won’t you talk to me about your past?” I asked.
He gently sat me up and stroked my cheek with his thumb. “Is that what the tears are about?”
I nodded.
He wiped away a stray tear as it fell down my cheek and left a soft kiss in its place. “Baby, I don’t want to scare you away. You’re a good person, a teacher. I was a really bad kid. A teacher’s worst nightmare.”
I had one of those in my past, when I first started teaching. Cheyenne Robison. It was a name I would never forget no matter how hard I tried.
I nodded. He continued. “I had a lot of really bad things happen to me. I had parents who abused me in every imaginable way. I was a very angry kid and I let out that rage inside me in all the wrong ways.”
When I looked into his eyes, I could see years of pain that he seemed to be trying to suppress.
“Please don’t hide things from me,” I said. “If we’re going to have a relationship, I want to know everything there is to know about you.”
He leaned in and touched his forehead to mine. “I don’t want to lose you when you find out who I really am.”
I leaned back so that I could see his eyes. He looked desperate.
“You’ll never lose me,” I said.
I put my lips on his and gave him a soft kiss. When I tried to pull back, he wouldn’t release me. His pushed his mouth hard against mine and kissed me with such intensity it took my breath away.
“Say you’ll always be mine,” he pleaded then kissed me again.
“I’ll always be yours,” I gasped.
He took me into his arms and held me. I didn’t ever want him to let me go.
Nine
We made love all afternoon and we were so exhausted that neither of had the energy to cook, so we ordered pizza and had it delivered.
As we cuddled on the couch and fed each other pizza, I felt happy and content. The carefree and loving Cody was back and the fight we had in the car seemed like an eternity ago.
“Have I told you how much I love your house and how much I’ve loved being here with you?” Cody asked as he took a piece of pepperoni from the top of a slice of pizza and popped it in his mouth.
“Are you going to eat the slice or just the toppings off of it?” I joked.
“Just the toppings,” he said as he grabbed an olive and fed it to me.
“Do you really have to leave first thing in the morning?” I whined playfully.
“I have to get back for work,” he said. “Do you want to come back to Sedona with me?”
“I’m going to be starting work myself in a few weeks,” I said glumly.
He put his arm around mine and pulled me close to him. “You know, we have a high school in Sedona. I’m pretty sure they need English teachers.”
I looked into his eyes to see if he was serious. “Are you asking me to move to Sedona?”
He nodded.
“What about my house?” I asked. “I love it and it’s paid for. I don’t think I could afford anything like this in Sedona.”
He kissed me then said, “But you love me, too, don’t you? And I’m paid for.” He gave me a big smile.
I thought about it for a moment. I did love him but I wasn’t ready to tell him. I still had questions I wanted answers to and I still felt like he was holding back information about his past.
Instead I said, “After my parent’s died, they left both my sister and me a small inheritance. She used hers to play the stock market, with a lot of success, I might add, and I used mine to buy this place.”
He took my hand in his. “I know how much this house means to you,” he said. “I would never ask you to sell it. I just wish we lived closer to each other.”
“Me, too,” I said. “No chance of you moving here?”
“Too many bad memories,” he said. “Remember that guy in the car, who made you cry? I don’t want to resurrect him again. And I have the gallery to think about.”
I didn’t want to bring back mean Cody, either. And I knew how important his gallery was to him. Was this an impasse? Was there any way for us to have a future together living 120 miles apart?
I didn’t know if I should broach the subject of a visit up to Sedona. He had yet to let me stay in his place. “Can I come up to Sedona for a visit? Maybe stay with you at your place?”
His jaw tensed and his eyes narrowed. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”
“Why not?”
He didn’t speak for a long moment.
I tried to reassure him. “Whatever it is, we can deal with it.”
&
nbsp; “I just don’t think it’s a good idea,” he said again. I could tell he was starting to get agitated. A wall of secrets was being erected between us and I didn’t like it.
“What could be that bad? That horrible? The guy I know just isn’t capable of anything so bad that I couldn’t handle it.”
He sucked in air then said. “My place is a complete and total mess. My apartment is tiny and most of it is an art studio. There’s clay, and metal and sculpting supplies everywhere.”
“I think I can handle that,” I said eagerly. “When do you want me to come up?”
He sighed in resignation. “I want you with me every waking moment,” he said. “Come up whenever you want.”
***
After Cody left, I missed him almost immediately. I didn’t know how long it would be before I saw him again and it killed me. There was a knock on the door and before I barely opened it, Mel strode in.
“Start packing your bags,” she said. “We’re going to Vegas!”
My jaw dropped. Vegas? “When?” I asked.
“This weekend,” she stated.
I raised an eyebrow.
She beamed and I had a feeling I knew exactly what was coming next. She was going to elope.
“Marve asked me to marry him,” she said. “I want you to be my maid of honor. We leave for Vegas on Friday.”
“Why so soon?” I asked. “You’re not…?”
“Oh, God, no,” she said vehemently shaking her head. “Me? Never. No kiddos. Marve asked me to be his wife and we just decided, why not do it right away? Neither of us is getting any younger.”
A pang of jealousy swept through me. She and Marvin had things all figured out when Cody and I had nothing figured out.
Mel must have sensed my ambiguity. “I know you don’t like Vegas that much but Marvin is really keen on getting hitched at an Elvis Chapel,” she said. Her smile made her whole face light up.
I did my best to feel happy for her. What kind of friend would I be if I wasn’t happy that my best friend was getting married?
“Marvin booked rooms for us downtown.”
I flinched. I was a bit nervous about that part of the city.
As if she was reading my thought, Mel said, “The hotel is right near the wedding chapel.”
I wondered if I should ask about inviting Cody. Mel still did not think very much of our relationship. I doubted she would want him at her wedding. I wished I could tell her how much he meant to me but I didn’t want her to think me foolish.
“The four of us are going to have so much fun,” she said and winked at me. Did she mean Cody after all?
“Marve invited his son, Larry, to be the best man,” she said. “I think you’ll really like him.” She playfully pushed my shoulder. “And he’s single.”
I tried to hide my disgust at the thought of her trying to fix me up with anyone but especially anyone related to Marvin. Ugh.
My next thought was how I was going to explain going to Las Vegas to Cody. Once thing I knew was that I was not going to tell him about Larry.
Mel looked at me trying to get a sense of my mood. She leaned over and kissed my cheek. “You don’t even have to worry about Pugsy. I hired a dog sitter for him.”
***
Later that evening, I was still missing Cody immensely when the phone rang. It was only 9:30, a bit early for Cody to phone. He usually phoned after 10 when he closed the coffee shop. I was surprised to hear my ex-husband’s voice on the line.
“I hope I’m not phoning at a bad time,” Rob said. I wanted to tell him that anytime he called was a bad time but I didn’t get the satisfaction. He continued speaking before I responded. “I just wanted to tell you that it was nice seeing you the other day.”
Rob hadn’t phoned me since we were married and even then his calls were only in emergency situations.
“What do you want?” I asked. I hoped I didn’t sound too rude, but I really did want to know what was motivating him to phone me out of the blue.
“I was glad to see you’ve found someone,” he said.
Now the truth came out. Another man found me attractive so I was suddenly worthwhile again.
“He looks young,” Rob said.
“He is young,” I shot back not knowing where he was going with the conversation.
“That’s not what I mean. I’m not criticizing. That would be hypocritical,” he said. At least he realized that, I thought, because Megan was a lot younger than Cody, five or six years, at least.
He continued, “What I mean is—well—how do you handle it?”
I blinked as I tried to think what he could possible mean with the question. “Handle what?” I asked finally.
He sighed. “How do you handle being with someone so young?”
I almost laughed. Having a younger lover finally caught up to him. “I love being with a younger man,” I said. “He makes me feel beautiful and desirable again.”
“I’m sorry,” Rob said. I could sense pain and even sorrow in his voice. “I’m sorry I left you for Megan.”
“It’s okay,” I said. And for the first time, I felt thankful to Rob for leaving me. If he hadn’t, I would have never found the immense passion I felt with Cody. Cody awakened feelings in me I never knew existed when I was with Rob.
“I think I made a mistake,” Rob said with such a small voice I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly.
I was starting to get a little nervous with the direction of the conversation. “Where’s Megan?” I asked.
“Out with her friends again,” he said with a tone of resignation. “She goes out a lot. Even now that’s she’s pregnant.”
I wondered if that had anything to do with getting her knocked up. Was it an attempt to keep her home with him?
“You don’t want to go with her?” I asked even though I knew the answer. Rob was a professor. He liked sitting in his study and reading Kant while he sipped a glass of fine wine, jazz music playing in the background. He didn’t like to go out much even when we were Megan’s age.
“I’m not sure she still wants to marry me,” he said and I thought he might cry.
I didn’t know what to say. Here was the man who completely and totally broke my heart now spilling his heart to me. “I’m sure the two of you will work it out,” I said even though I wasn’t sure at all.
He sniffled. “My biggest regret is losing you,” he said. “You took good care of me.”
I held back a laugh. I realized in that moment that Rob never really loved me at all. He loved that I took care of him and he no longer had that. Megan was high maintenance and obviously required a lot of care. She was a taker, just like Rob. Neither one of them was giving.
“I’m sorry you’re not as happy with Megan as you want to be,” I said. But I’m sure happy not to be with you anymore, I thought. “Maybe when the baby arrives, she’ll mature and be a better wife and mother.”
He was quiet for a moment. And then he said, “I hope so,” as if he was resigning himself to the possibility that Megan would never be the person he hoped she would be.
“Goodbye, Rob,” I said.
“I was glad to see you so happy,” he said.
“Me, too,” I said before hanging up.
It was strange, but the conversation had finally put things into perspective for me and for the first time, I was actually glad Rob left me. His leaving opened a place for Cody in my life. I now had someone who loved me and made me truly happy.
***
When the phone rang a few minutes later, I knew it had to be Cody.
“I tried calling several times but the line was busy,” he said quickly. “Is everything okay?”
I gulped. I really didn’t want to tell him that I had been on the phone with Rob. Especially after their tense interaction the evening Rob stopped by.
“Who were you on the phone with?” he asked and I could hear the strain in his voice.
“My ex-husband,” I admitted.
There was silence on the
other end of the line.
“I’m coming down to Phoenix,” he said.
I was surprised by the resolve in his voice. “When?”
“As soon as I can take time off again,” he said. The urgency in his voice made me wonder if he felt threatened by my ex-husband. The idea was preposterous.
“I can’t let you keep coming down to see me,” I said. “I’m starting to feel guilty. I know you’re trying to save up money for your art gallery. How can you do that when you keep taking time off from work?”
“You’re worth it,” he said.
I took a deep breathe. I had to tell him about Las Vegas but I didn’t want to. “Mel and Marvin decided to elope and Mel asked me to be her maid of honor,” I said. “I’m going to Las Vegas this weekend.”
There was silence on the other end of the line.
“Cody?” I said with some hesitation in my voice.
“I get the feeling that I’m not invited,” he said sharply.
The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Cody.
“This is really important to Mel,” I said.
“Where are you staying?” he asked. His tone was flat.
I hesitated.
“Where are you staying?” he asked again. This time he had a bit of anger in his voice.
I told him the name of the hotel.
I could hear him suck air. “That’s not a good neighborhood. I’m not sure I want you staying there.”
“They want to get married at an Elvis Chapel. I guess it’s right near there. I won’t go anywhere without Mel and Marvin, I promise.” I hoped that would appease him.
More silence. But what could he say? “When will you be back?” he said softly.
“Sunday afternoon,” I said.
“I guess I’ll call you when you get back,” he said.
And just like that, he hung up.
Ten
I didn’t hear from Cody for the rest of the week, but Mel kept me busy with wedding details. We drove all over the Valley looking for the perfect wedding dress. Then we had to get the perfect shoes. And then a maid of honor dress and shoes. She also wanted us to get our hair done. Even though I missed Cody like crazy, I was glad to see Mel so happy.
Still Fine at Forty Page 11
