by C. M. Albert
Chapter 15
Olivia
I WATCHED FROM the sunroom as Ryan crossed the yard, coming back home to me. He entered the French doors and waved, taking his shoes off.
“Hey, babe,” he said, leaning over to kiss me. “I didn’t know you were up.”
I was sitting on the rustic, oversized swing that was more daybed than bench swing. Ever since I’d gotten home from the hospital, I’d felt off-kilter. Before that, I’d just started to feel like myself again—well, that wasn’t exactly true. I’d felt like myself, but different. I was more hopeful than I’d been in a long time. Something about the new energy of working on a project together with Ryan had invigorated me. And it was hard to deny that Brighton was an unexpectedly bright addition to my life. As a friend, of course. After Laelynn died, I didn’t know how to be around the friends I’d known practically my whole life. There was no hiding with them. I couldn’t just be Olivia. I was now Olivia, grieving mother. And it was like they didn’t know how to be around me without that heavy weight anymore.
It was easier with Brighton. With him, I was just Olivia Wells, interior designer. Even though we were still getting to know one another, I felt as if he could see the real me. The me before all the trauma. It wasn’t like I wanted to forget about it, but it was a refreshing change for once—even if it was only a temporary feeling.
“I’ve been up for a while,” I said to Ryan, patting the swing beside me. I was curled up, reading another dark romance, my heart still not ready for rom-com. “Where were you?”
“I went to see Kerrington.”
“Is he still comfortable staying here?”
“He is,” Ryan said, rubbing my thigh.
“Good. Hopefully, he’ll feel better about not having to be over there every night with all that construction dust.”
“Yeah,” Ryan said, distracted.
“Hey, are you okay?” I asked, putting my hand over Ryan’s. He seemed deep in thought, trying to process something he was grappling with.
He nodded, squeezing my hand. “Yeah, I’m all right. I just . . .” He took a deep breath, dragging his eyes up to meet mine. “Liv, have you ever thought about having an affair?”
I gasped, confusion flooding over me. “No! Why would you even ask that?”
He picked at the threads of the blanket spread across my lap. “I just want you happy,” he said in way of explanation. “I feel like we need some help.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about. “Ry, we’re doing better now, aren’t we? We’re starting to be intimate again. I feel closer, don’t you? You know I’m not unsatisfied in that arena.”
He smiled sadly. “Sometimes sex isn’t about the sex, though. Is it, Liv?”
“What does that even mean?”
“We’ve never had a problem with our connection, hon. But lately, I can’t help but notice you don’t light up the same way around me as you used to—like I was the only one in the world who could make you feel that way. I can’t seem to pull you from the darkness you descend into sometimes, either. I just thought, maybe instead of acting like it doesn’t exist, maybe we just walk through it together.”
“What are you suggesting?”
He ran a hand through his thick, dark hair. “I don’t know. I’m just trying to make things better. And I feel like I’m failing at every turn.”
“Ry,” I said, moving closer, “I don’t need anyone else. It’s Liv and Ry forever, right?”
“It’ll always be Liv and Ry. But what if something could help bridge us back to ourselves quicker? I feel like nothing else has worked. I don’t know. I just wonder what it might be like to spice things up a bit.”
Ryan ran his hand farther up my thigh, whatever he was considering clearly turning him on. “I would do anything to be the one to put that light back in your eyes again. But I’m not. At least, not alone.”
“I don’t know where this is coming from, Ryan. But you’re completely enough.”
“Damn it, Liv!” he said, cupping my face in his hands. “Don’t you get it? I’ve seen the way you look at him. I’ve seen the way your body craves closeness when you’re around him!”
I pulled back, my eyes wide with shock. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about, Ryan!”
“Don’t you?” he asked, running his hand over my hair.
“No, I don’t. You’re talking crazy.”
“Truth?” he asked quietly.
“Truth,” I said softly, knowing I had nothing to hide.
“Are you attracted to Brighton?”
I swallowed. So that’s where this was going. If I told him the truth, I worried I would break him. But we didn’t lie to one another. Especially not after making our sacred pact during our first round of grief. We both took that as seriously as our wedding vows. It was a hard line we’d never break in our marriage, and the one thing that had gotten us this far in our healing—if that’s what you could call this damage we were now sitting in.
“He’s a good-looking guy, Ryan. It’s not hard to see that.”
“It’s not at all. Hell, even I know how handsome he is. But I’m not asking you to acknowledge his inherent good looks. I’m asking—are you, Olivia, sexually attracted to Brighton Kerrington? Truth.”
I bit the inside of my cheek, feeling like my whole world was about to shatter into a million pieces. I didn’t want to do this.
“Truth, Liv,” he ground out.
“Yes,” I said, closing my eyes. “But I would never, ever act on it. It’s not like I want to have an affair with him or anything.”
“But you feel a sexual pull with him. I’m not stupid.”
What could I say? I had felt certain ways around Brighton, but Ryan was my life. Our neighbor was certainly no threat to our marriage.
“I don’t know what to say, Ryan. I’m not ever going to step out on you.”
“What if I asked you to?”
“Why would you do that?” I nearly shouted. “I don’t get what you’re trying to do. Are you trying to tear us apart?”
“No. I’m trying to stitch us back together again,” he said sadly.
“I want the same thing. I just don’t think whatever it is you’re suggesting is a healthy way to solve our problems.”
“Do you still love me?”
“Of course. More than I’ve ever loved anyone.”
“Then let me do this my way,” Ryan pleaded. “You want to stitch us back together? We do it my way. What we’ve been doing hasn’t worked. You know it as well as I do.”
I didn’t know what he was trying to say, but I couldn’t see anything positive coming from any of this. Yet the pain in his eyes told me he was breaking, and I was the one causing it. All I’d tried to do the last few years was pick myself up, piece by piece, so I could return to Ryan whole again.
The entire time I’d missed how broken he was, too.
Chapter 16
Brighton
I DIDN’T SEE Olivia again for a couple of days—Ryan said she was having a hard week and was laying low. So, it was Ryan who set me up in their bonus room, on the same floor as the kitchen. It gave me access to the backdoor and allowed me to come and go without worrying about waking them. I ate at my place though, refusing to impose any more than I already was.
Ryan came over to help a couple more times alone. We started playing basketball at the park together on cooler evenings or grabbing a quick bite to eat at the pub around the corner after a long day of hard work. He showed me his technique with a spokeshave, and I showed him how to drywall a room. The sooner I got the bedroom done, the sooner I could get back over to my uncle’s place. As much as I enjoyed Ryan’s friendship, it was still a little weird being in their home after what he’d said to me . . . after what he’d made me promise.
Besides, Olivia’s design aesthetic and heart were in every square inch of their house. Even on days when I wasn’t bumping into her, I had to see little reminders of their love all over the place. Like the painting Ry
an told me they got in Peru on their honeymoon. Or the accent wall in the living room where Olivia had hung custom-made wallpaper created from blown-up images of their personalized wedding vows. Or, best yet, when I constantly walked by the giant picture of Olivia in her wedding dress on my way to my bedroom—looking like a sun-kissed, free-spirited gypsy goddess in white lace and bare feet. They were all constant reminders that she was not, and never would be, mine.
It was starting to become a sick form of torture that I couldn’t walk away from—and would gladly endure to be so close to her every day.
We were making progress on the house, and a new work crew came in during the week to swap out all the bathroom fixtures with new environmentally friendly toilets, claw-footed tubs, and high-end vanities that Liv picked out. Then my tile guys laid all the walk-in showers and bathroom floors, leaving them to dry overnight. I was grateful to be crashing next door with all the fumes in the house.
When I made my way across the yard after a long day’s work, I saw Liv and Ryan through the window, laughing together as they ate their pizza. I didn’t want to intrude, and I was almost tempted to hop in my truck and drive back to Watertown for the weekend. But I couldn’t afford to give up two days of work—especially with all the time I was spending with them.
I opened the back door leading to the mudroom and took off my work boots before quietly making my way to my room.
“Kerrington!” Ryan called out. “That you? We got enough pizza for an army!”
“Yeah, get out here, sweet cheeks,” Olivia said, laughing.
I cautiously made my way to the kitchen where they were sitting, their clothes covered with splatters of red paint. Liv was in a pair of running shorts and an oversized blue T-shirt that said “Totally Koalafied.” She looked adorable in the ridiculously large shirt, her hair fastened in two little buns on top of her head like Miley Cyrus or Princess Leia, and those long, smooth legs crisscrossed under her on the kitchen chair.
I regretted joining them instantly.
“How’d it go today?” Ryan asked, handing me a beer. Olivia piled a couple slices of veggie pizza onto a plate and handed it to me.
“They’ll be over there well into the night getting all the tilework laid,” I said. I glanced at Olivia. “The vanities you selected are spot on, by the way. They’re gorgeous against the new floors.”
“I knew they’d look great together,” she said, beaming.
Even though she’d only been back over to the house a handful of times to work alongside me, she sent all her plans and purchase requests to me online for approval. I found myself looking forward to the times when Olivia joined me more and more. The house always seemed more alive when she joined Ryan and me on site.
I snuck a glance at the newly painted kitchen island. “Looks like I’ve walked from one active construction zone into another.”
Liv threw her head back and laughed. “My former therapist said I should start a new project, so here we are.” She waved to the island, which was now painted with its first coat.
“Farmhouse red?” I observed. “Great choice.”
“See!” Olivia said to Ryan, sticking out her tongue at him. It was hands down the most relaxed and laid-back I’d seen her since—well, ever.
“Don’t encourage her, Kerrington.”
“But she’s so fun when she’s feisty,” I said, laughing.
We sat and talked some more over pizza, then I decided to crash early for the night, despite Ryan offering another round of beers out by the firepit. It had been a long week of hard labor, and I hadn’t been sleeping very well, despite the more comfortable bed. So, I took a pass. This elicited a response of “Booo!” from the two wise guys sitting across from me. I lifted my hands, asking for mercy.
“I’ve been working on the house for over a month now,” I said, “but this was by far the most labor-intensive week. I think my body just needs to unwind and catch up on some much-needed sleep.”
“I know just what you need!” Liv said, jumping up from her seat.
Ryan chuckled, giving me a sympathy shrug. “Think you’re about to get Liv-a-fied.”
“What you need is a hot bath in our soaker tub with a bath bomb and some Epsom salts, followed by a quick neck massage. It’ll knock you out cold.”
“Come again?” I looked to Ryan for help. “Okay, a beer doesn’t sound so bad after all.”
Olivia rolled her eyes. “Trust me! I’m an expert on self-care. I promise you’ll feel like a new man afterward.”
“I haven’t taken a bath since I was a kid.”
“Then you don’t know what you’re missing!”
“How often do you take baths, Ryan?” I asked, snickering.
His face was completely blank as he sipped his beer.
“Exactly!” I said, as if it proved my point. But somehow, I let Olivia cajole me into a bath in the giant soaker tub in the other spare bedroom downstairs—because it was nearly impossible for me to say no to her. I couldn’t help but notice there were some of her things scattered around the room, though I didn’t say anything.
After she started running the hot water, she poured half a bag of Epsom salt into the bathtub and swore it would work miracles on my sore muscles. Then she let me smell a variety of bath bombs, but I drew the line at those. She set a fluffy bath towel on the floating shelf by the tub and lit a couple candles before leaving me on my own.
I felt like the biggest idiot climbing naked into a bathtub at twenty-nine. But it only took about five minutes for me to see Liv’s wisdom. I closed my eyes and nearly fell asleep as my muscles melted under her magic elixir. After about twenty-five minutes, I washed the day off my body with some fancy liquid body soap, then hoisted myself out. I wrapped the large blue bath towel around my waist, though my hair was still dripping wet. That’s when I realized I either needed to put my dirty clothes back on, or sneak to the other side of the house with nothing but a towel wrapped around my waist. I peeked my head out of the bathroom door, and not seeing Liv anywhere around, I made my way to my bedroom.
I wasn’t sure who was more embarrassed at my half-naked sneak—Ryan or me. He was washing dishes and glanced up as I casually walked by.
“No face mask and fuzzy slippers tonight?”
“Screw you,” I said, laughing. “I’m gonna sic Olivia on you next.”
“Do your best.”
I was still grinning when I walked into my bedroom, stopping dead in my tracks when I saw Liv waiting there. Her eyes widened in surprised as they slid down my naked torso, the cinched towel leaving little to the imagination.
She quickly turned away, covering her eyes with her hand. “God, Brighton. I’m so sorry. Here, let me give you some privacy.”
“Thought I was getting a back rub,” I joked.
“A neck massage,” she clarified, her voice hoarse. “I didn’t think about you needing clean clothes first. Why don’t you get dressed and come out when you’re done?”
“I can get dressed with you here,” I said, grabbing some athletic shorts. I quickly slid them up my legs and over my backside, letting the towel drop to the floor. When she turned and saw I was still shirtless I noticed the faintest pulse skip in her throat.
“Where do you want me?”
She looked around at our limited options. “Why don’t we go out to the kitchen?”
I thought of Ryan standing there doing the dishes and knew there was no way I was going to make this even more awkward.
“Or I could sit right here,” I said, pointing to a small reclining chair next to the fireplace. That looked comfy.
“I won’t be able to get to your neck that way. Just lie down across the bottom of the bed.”
I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. I could do this. I could. I was a grown-ass man who had a ton of self-control.
I sat on the edge of the bed, flopping over onto my stomach. I thought I was prepared for the feel of Olivia’s hands on my bare skin, but I wasn’t. Nothing could’ve prepared me.
They were soft and gentle but applied a firm pressure as they started working my tired muscles. I groaned as the pain began leaving and all that was left was the seductive roll of Liv’s hands over my skin.
I wanted nothing more than to roll over and pull her down on top of me, so I forced myself to close my eyes and think of anything other than Liv leaning over me, her breasts occasionally brushing my back as she worked the kinks from my neck. If she’d ever once given Ryan a massage, I was having a hard time believing he would ever let his wife give someone else one. She was almost done when she ran her hand up the back of my neck and into my wet hair, massaging my scalp and causing my entire body to break out in goose bumps.
“We’re done,” I growled.
“That didn’t feel good?” she asked, genuinely surprised. “Everyone in college always said I gave the best massages.”
I rolled over, lifting myself onto my elbows. My gym shorts were now tented, and I did nothing to hide it. “It felt just fine,” I said. “But I think maybe you need to go find Ryan and let me get some rest.”
Liv bit her lower lip as she allowed herself the briefest glance down the length of my body. She put her hand over her mouth and started giggling when she saw my shorts.
“Glad this is so amusing for you,” I said, standing. I towered over her but didn’t dare move a muscle. One wrong brush by either of us, and I’d lose any ounce of self-control I had. “Goodnight.”
I turned Olivia around by the shoulders and marched her out of my room, her laughter warming my insides even as I closed the doors and turned out the lights. I threw my arm over my eyes, trying to get comfortable. When it was clear I wasn’t going to fall asleep unless I took care of my situation, I dropped my hand under the covers and began stroking myself. Much to my shame, it was the memory of Olivia in her navy-blue bathing suit, pulling herself up my body under the water at the quarry that finally did me in. I hadn’t broken my word to Ryan, but as I fell into a fitful sleep, it was his wife who was in my dreams making me wish I had.
