by C. M. Albert
“Ryan is obsessed with old books. I’m sure whatever it is, he’ll love it.”
“Come here. I want to show it to you,” I said, grabbing her hand like we had the first time we’d met.
We headed for the secret stairs, only this time, I let Olivia press the magic button. The shelf swung open and we entered. I’d stashed the book in here so there was no chance of it walking off with a crew member. It was worth about eighteen hundred dollars and was autographed by W. Somerset Maugham, and I really wanted Ryan to have it.
The room was tiny, but my uncle kept some of his most treasured books in here—probably because of their value and the lack of sunlight to cause damage. Behind the small open-slatted staircase was a cozy reading nook with cashmere blankets and throw pillows. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases flanked the stairs, and a huge watercolor painting of the house filled the wall space on the backside of the “magic” door into the room. I suspected Olivia was right that it would be a selling point.
I grabbed the book off the shelf then joined Olivia on the bench of the reading nook, handing it to her before I sat down. She ran her hand over the textured red cover reverently. “This is too much.”
“He’s a good friend,” I said, shrugging. “I don’t have the same sentiment toward old books, so why not pass it on to someone who does?”
“Maybe because it has to cost a small fortune?” she teased.
“It’s just money.”
Her eyes grew soft and she set the book down onto the nearest shelf. “Would you do me a favor? I’m not ready to go home yet, and my heart’s not on work today.”
I nodded my head. I’d move heaven and earth for the woman.
She turned on the small sconces that were nestled among the books, then closed the magic door. Intimacy shrouded us as she fingered the book spines on the nearest shelf. One caught her eye and lit her face with joy. She pulled it down and joined me on the bench again, reclining across the small surface and resting her head in my lap.
“Read this to me?” she asked, looking up at me.
I ran my fingers through her soft, blond hair that flowed over the sides of my leg and onto the cushion. I fluffed out one of the cashmere blankets over Olivia and gently stroked the side of her face, lost in those dazzling blue eyes of hers.
“You are going to be the death of me.”
“I’d rather be what brings you life,” she said, her pulse jumping in her throat.
I had to tread carefully because Liv and me in this tiny, intimate space would only spell disaster if I weren’t careful. It was too cozy. Too private. It was as if we’d shut out the outside world and descended into a magical fairy tale where only the feelings between us pulsed through the air and nothing else existed.
I flipped open the book to a random spot and started reading Little Women as Olivia curled onto her side and listened. I read that way for about twenty minutes, until a certain passage caught her attention and she sat up, transfixed.
“‘Upon my word, I was so tumbled up in my mind, at one time, that I didn’t know which I loved best, you or Amy, and tried to love you both alike. But I couldn’t, and—’”
Her eyes were wide, and her breathing was shallow. I saw the dilation of her pupils and the way she licked her lips as she stared at the words coming from my mouth. I paused and set the book down.
“Olivia—”
“I’ve made mistakes too,” she said, her eyes hot with longing. “I’ve not been listening to my heart or telling Ryan how I really feel.”
“And how do you really feel?” I asked, my voice thick and husky from the way she was staring at me.
“I feel like I wasn’t ready for our time together to stop. Even though Ryan started it all, it wasn’t just his to finish or tell me when we were done. It was so much more than just our bodies, Brighton. I never meant for my heart to become so invested, but how could it not? Especially when it was with you?”
She moved closer on the bench, her hand cupping my jaw. She looked like she wanted to say more, so I didn’t respond, I just held the depth and space she needed to work out what was racing though her heart.
“I need to know, Brighton. I need to know if what we have has taken a part of my heart forever, or even all of it.”
“Liv—you don’t mean that.”
“I need you to make love to me. I need to know if you see me, and if you want me, for just me. Or if it’s only when the three of us are together. I need you to get clear on that, and I need that, too.”
“Liv—”
She lifted her lips to meet mine, brushing her tongue over my mouth to part it. I wish I could say I did the honorable thing and said no—that we needed to figure this out another way. But her lips were too soft, and my heart was too far gone.
And Ryan was the last thing on my mind as I cupped Olivia’s head and deepened the kiss. One way or another, this was about to change everything. And I had no willpower to stop it.
Chapter 43
Olivia
I LOST EVERY ounce of willpower and common sense as I deepened the kiss with Brighton. My skin was burning for his touch, and I could do nothing to stop it. It was as if, all this time, it was leading to this. It had been my deepest fear and my most secret desire. One way or another, after today, I would know. I would know if Brighton had stolen all of my heart, or if it was still shared—torn between the two men in my life.
I sat all the way up, letting Brighton pull me onto his lap as I straddled him, our hands unable to pull clothes off fast enough. It was as if the fire was racing up both our forms and we needed to feel him inside of me before we were all the way consumed—scorched by the very passion that was driving us.
The first thrust in was heaven, my body aching around his and surrendering completely. Holy hell. It was as if we were the ones married, our bodies knowing every need, every desire, every response before it happened. He gave as much as he took, my body arching, pressing, needing him deeper and more fully than we’d ever gone. I reached up, gripping the back of the staircase as I rode him, Brighton worshiping my breasts as I came the first time.
Then he gripped my hips and held me still, thrusting deep inside of me, his hips bucking off the bench so he could fill me, drowning me in his desire. Our bodies were hot and sweaty when we finally came down from our high together. I wrapped my arms around his neck, felt his lips lick the salt from my collarbone.
I ran my hands through the sweaty hair on his neckline, pressed my bottom deeper down onto his lap as I purred from the contented bliss of a full-body, full-soul orgasm. It had never been like this with us before, because we’d always held back a small part of ourselves in front of Ryan. But this—this was the glorious loving my body needed, craved to feel fully alive again.
But I didn’t have even a moment to enjoy the sensation.
Footsteps echoed on the hardwood floor of the library. Then, our world was fractured, destroyed by two simple words.
“Olivia? Brighton?”
It was Ryan.
He was on the other side of the wall—the only thing that separated us from the library. I held my breath and my body still. Brighton lifted his finger to his lips. Neither of us moved as guilt washed over me like poison.
Oh my god. What had we done?
“Liv? Brighton? You guys in here?”
We could hear him pacing the room, as if searching. “Huh.” His hand brushed the outer wall; he was so close we could hear his fingers running along the books. I was terrified my heartrate would give us away, and I felt like I was going to black out from the shame.
Then his footsteps fell away, and my phone buzzed from the pocket of my shorts that were crumbled on the floor. Thank god the phone was on Do Not Disturb and hadn’t rung.
When we heard the click of the library door, and no further movement, I slid off Brighton’s lap. He handed me his T-shirt to clean up before I slid back into my clothes. I gripped the phone in my pocket, afraid to look.
Brighton cupped my chin, lifting
my face so I could meet his eyes. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I looked up at him. “What did I do?”
“What did we do, you mean. You aren’t facing this alone, Olivia. This was both of us—and I won’t regret it,” he said, his mouth crashing onto mine possessively. I whimpered into his kiss, but drew strength from his warm, thick tongue as it captured mine. We were entwined in so many ways now, it was hard to separate myself from him as he comforted me.
“I will face this with you, Liv,” he said after we broke apart. He rested his forehead onto mine, his hand still cradling my head.
“It’s not yours to face,” I said quietly. “Ryan’s my husband. I’m the one with the scarlet letter here, not you.”
“It’s not that simple, and you know it,” he said. “Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t you dare take this on alone and act like you did everything wrong. If Ryan was that concerned over the possibility of losing you, he should never have shared you with another man to begin with. Fuck, Liv. If our situations were reversed, I never would have let another man touch you.”
I backed up for a second, putting some much-needed space between us. I couldn’t think when I could still smell the sex on his skin. Which meant if I could, Ryan would.
I knew it was bad when my mind started spinning, trying to figure out how to get home and take a shower without raising any suspicion. I was already spiraling from my deceit. The realization that I’d broken our wedding vows crashing over me like a giant tsunami.
My hands shook as I buttoned my jean shorts all the way, running a hand over my hair. “He’s going to smell you on me,” I whispered.
“Take a shower here then.”
“In front of all these workers? And come home with wet hair? No way. That will look even worse. And I’m not ready to face Ryan yet with this. I’m not. I can’t.”
Brighton wrapped me in his arms one last time, hugging me as tightly as he could as if to transfer all his bravery to me for what I might face when I went home.
“If you need anything—anything at all—you text me. I mean it. I’ll stay over here for the rest of the day to give you some breathing space and to work anything out if it comes up. But Liv?”
“Yeah,” I said, glancing up into the eyes I’d grown to know as closely and deeply as my husband’s.
“I love you. I loved you before, and I love you even more now. Do not deny what just happened between us. That wasn’t just physical. That was you getting my entire heart. Just be careful what you do with it, okay?”
I nodded, torn even worse than before.
But there was one thing I wasn’t torn about, and did know even clearer now, no matter what happened in the days ahead with Ryan and me.
“I don’t just love tulips, Brighton.”
“I know,” he whispered, brushing my lips with his.
“But I need you to hear it.”
“You don’t have to do this right now, Liv. I know you’re hurt and confused.”
“But I’m not confused about this. Because you’re right. There’s no denying the depth and complexity of what just happened. I have no clue what it means for any of us going forward, but I know for certain that I love you, Brighton—even more than I love tulips.”
A small smile played on his lips, lighting his eyes even more. But no matter how much I longed to stay and savor the moment, I had to get home and face Ryan and the fallout of our earlier fight. I opened the hidden door, praying Ryan was truly gone. The library was empty, but every step echoed loudly, as if the room now held our secrets. I knew in my heart I wasn’t ready to tell Ryan about what had happened yet. Because I knew it would absolutely crush him, and selfishly, I wasn’t sure if it would end our marriage.
I needed time to think.
As I left Brighton’s house and headed home, I prayed that our transgressions stayed buried between the pages of the books that were shelved around the secret of our deceit.
Chapter 44
Ryan
I HEARD LIV come home through the sunroom, then the water running through the creaky old pipes as she snuck into the shower. Tears ran down my cheeks into my beard as I pet Stitch on the living room sofa. I looked up at the oversized picture of Olivia and me heading back down the aisle after saying our wedding vows. Olivia’s blond hair was captured in flight as the soft breeze came rolling off the lake, lifting it in beautiful repose. Her eyes shone bright as they looked at me. Before this summer, her eyes had only ever shone like that for me.
I’d pushed her away, though, with my stupid plan.
I loved Liv with all my heart, but if what my gut was telling me was true, I would be the one broken beyond repair. Because not a single person in this world mattered to me more than her—not even our babies. I knew that was harsh, but I hadn’t had time to love them, to know them as intimately as Olivia had, carrying them inside her body.
But I had over eight years to love the woman who was my entire world. Nothing mattered without her. I knew she felt the same way—but dangling Brighton in front of her had been a huge mistake I’d have to live with for the rest of my life. Even so, I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive her if she ever chose him over me.
“Ryan?” Olivia was walking around the house, calling out my name as I sat in the dark. It was still light out, but I’d drawn the drapes in our formal living room, needing the privacy and seclusion.
She rounded the corner, wearing a pair of thin cotton pants and a wrap top that hugged her body. All I could see when I looked at her was Brighton’s hands on her. Only this time, it didn’t turn me on. This time, it made me want to cry.
“What are you doing in here all alone?” she asked, sitting next to me on the couch. At least she didn’t smell like him. I would’ve lost it if she had. She smelled of fresh tangerines and basil from the body wash she favored. It used to turn me on, but now it only covered the deceit I knew had happened.
“I came home to apologize, Liv.” I looked down at my hands in my lap, twisting my wedding band.
“Ryan, you don’t need to. The argument was my fault, too.”
“Yeah, but you’ve done nothing to break my trust, so I shouldn’t have accused you of anything.”
“I understand though, Ryan. Things have gotten so—complicated, lately. I wish we could turn back time.”
I took her hands, noticing the slight shake. “Where would you turn the clock back to if you could? Before Brighton? Or before our first miscarriage?”
Olivia inhaled sharply.
“Because I think I might turn it all the way back to the before. Back when we were Liv and Ry. I miss those crazy kids.”
Tears were falling down Olivia’s face now, and I reached over and wiped one away.
“Why the tears?”
“Because we can’t go back to the way we were, Ryan. That was never the goal. I wish to god things had turned out differently. But I would never give up the short amount of time we had with Laelynn. God just needed our babies in heaven more than we needed them here on earth, I guess.”
I squeezed her hand.
“Our relationship was born in grief, Ryan. From the moment my parents died, you were the one there to comfort me. But our love grew out of those ashes, stronger than ever. Taking root in the soil of my pain. When we lost our first baby, grief was a little too comfortable for me. It was easy to go back there and dwell in that space. Then it was one loss after another, making it impossible for me to crawl out of that misery. Grief changed us. There’s no denying that. I hate where I was a few months ago.
“But I’m different now, and you are too. There’s no magic machine that would take us back to the Liv and Ry we once were. Those people don’t exist anymore. My grief and your anger have changed us. Brighton changed us,” she whispered.
“So, you wouldn’t take any of it back then?”
Olivia shook her head. “As weird as it sounds—no, I wouldn’t. I’ve loved our babies. I love you, and—”
“You love Brighton,” I finished for her.
I watched the pain ride across her face, but she didn’t deny it. Fresh tears slipped down her cheeks as she bit her bottom lip. “I never asked for this, Ryan.”
“No, I was the idiot who got us here.”
“Out of love,” she said, meeting my eyes. “I know how much you love me. What you did was the bravest thing I could ever imagine to save our marriage.”
“Did it work?”
She grew quiet. “I guess we’ll see. I do feel happier now.”
“You look it,” I said sarcastically.
She smiled, placing a hand over her mouth as a nearly hysterical bubble of laughter spilled over.
“Where were you?” I asked quietly. “When I came back to apologize, you were nowhere to be found. Brighton’s crew said they thought you were upstairs in the library, but I couldn’t find you anywhere.”
The nearly inaudible gasp would’ve slipped by me if I hadn’t been looking for it. If I wasn’t so good at reading people after so many years of teaching them.
“We—we were supposed to go to the warehouse today, but I was pretty upset after our argument. So, we did go up to the library to talk, and to get something he wanted me to give you—though I accidentally left it at the house,” she said, switching gears.
“Then where were you?” I pressed. “Your cars were both still in the driveway, but you weren’t here, and I couldn’t find you anywhere over there.”
She picked at the skin of her cuticles, not meeting my eyes. Then she took a deep breath and finally answered, “We went for a walk. I needed to clear my head, and I couldn’t focus on work.”
“So you walked? With Brighton?”
“Yes. What is this, Ryan? An inquisition?”
“I don’t know, Liv. Do you need one? How come you won’t meet my eyes?”
“Ryan!” Olivia said and stood up, Stitch bouncing off my lap and following her from the room.
Before she got to the door, I stopped her though, with five simple words.
