by Ally Adams
“I’ll come home with you,” she said.
I shook my head. “Thanks, M, but there’s nothing you can do. I have to process this.”
“We can talk, have a wine or a coffee, work through it,” she insisted.
I touched her hand on top of my leg and squeezed it. I knew I was white. I could feel the color draining from me and that awful clammy feeling of vacillating between hot and cold.
“I appreciate it, really, but I need to be alone. I’m okay.” I glanced at her and back at the road. “I just need to process it all and I’ve got work tomorrow. I’ll be busy. I’ll keep busy.” I felt like I was having an out of body experience—it was so surreal.
Why did he go there with her? Because he knew I would probably be at Shaken Not Stirred with Mia or at home? Why didn’t he tell me? If I hadn’t seen them, when would he have told me? After we’d done the final ‘class’?
I heard my phone ringing in my bag.
“Do you want that?” Mia asked and I shook my head in the negative.
She knew how badly I’d fallen for him. She’d had daily reports except for the sex classes and she had promised it would all stay in the vault. Thank God no one else in the club knew we were an item other than a bit of flirting. How humiliating that would have been.
“Do you think Valentina knew when she gave you the tickets? Do you think she knew they would be there?” Mia asked. “Maybe she really likes that other woman and wanted you to back off Tomás.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know, but I don’t think so. Tina seems so lovely and she told me Tomás wouldn’t be there because he had an airport run. I doubt she even remembered to tell Tomás she gave me the tickets. He was gone when she got home this morning,” I said.
I could be wrong, but I didn’t believe that of her, she seemed so genuine and I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. She hadn’t been judgmental of me the first time she found me in Tomás’s bed; she had been really accepting.
I pulled up outside the Shaken Not Stirred bar and left the car running as I turned to Mia. “Thanks for coming with me, thank God you were there,” I said.
“Why don’t you come in for a while? Just have a drink and dance, distract yourself,” she suggested.
I thought about it for a second but I knew I would be terrible company; totally in my head analyzing it all and morose.
“No,” I whispered, “I’ll just go home and...” I let the sentence trail off.
“I’ll leave my phone on and I’ll be up, so no matter what time you need to talk, you call me, okay? No matter what time,” she said, with emphasis.
I smiled and nodded. “Thanks. Please don’t tell Lucas, or anyone.”
“Never,” she said, and leaning over Mia kissed me on the cheek and got out of the car. I saw her watching me drive away.
I wanted to do something but I didn’t know what—I felt like crying but the tears wouldn’t come. I wanted to scream but nothing would come out. I think I might have been in some sort of shock if it applied to love. I didn’t know what to do and so I drove home on automatic pilot. I now knew why people avoided being in love too; so painful, so excruciatingly painful... why would anyone put themselves through this? The highs were great but the lows were just so very low.
I pulled into the garage at home and I heard my phone ringing again. I turned off the car ignition, grabbed the phone from my bag and put it on silent. It was Tomás calling and there was another missed call and a message. I didn’t want to hear from him that it was over before it started with us and I didn’t want to hear his excuses. He knew she was coming and yet he didn’t tell me, he still dated me and slept with me. What could he say now?
If he had been honest with me, I could have made the choice to keep it casual or not progress with him but he didn’t give me that option. He held all the cards. I couldn’t get the picture out of my head of her snuggling into Tomás’s body as if she was designed to fit against him. Then again, maybe it was my fault… maybe I read way too much into what we had going on.
I took a deep breath, exited the car and went into the house. Ryan was in his room on his computer and probably would be for the rest of the night. Dad was having a coffee in front of the golf on the television.
“Hello love, great game today, your boy did well,” Dad said.
“He did. It was a great win. I’m so exhausted...”
“Of course, it’s been a big week for you,” Dad agreed.
“I’m going to shower and turn in now.”
“All right love. I’ve got a seven o’clock meeting onsite in the morning so if I don’t see you, I’ll see you tomorrow night? I’ll be home at six to help you with the move to Cassie’s place.”
I couldn’t think about that right now.
“Thanks Dad. Night,” I said, and kissed him on the cheek as I passed.
Dad was an engineer who had to do onsite reports throughout construction processes. I guessed the first few weeks without me around were going to be hard for him because I’m adorable, okay, I cooked dinner, so it was good if he was busy. I’m not sure if Ryan would notice I was gone. At least the move was another thing to look forward to and focus on—so much was happening so quickly.
I went into my room, closed my bedroom door and fell onto the bed. I curled into a fetal position which was surprisingly comfortable and wished Mom was here. Still no tears. I’m sure I was in shock... I could barely hear my heart beating. Twenty minutes later, I forced myself up and to the bathroom for a shower. I came back, turned down my bed and got in. With the lights off, then I cried a river. It poured out of me. Grief, pain, embarrassment, hurt, loss, all the emotions. My face was swollen and my eyes stung.
My phone vibrated again and I looked at it. Still Tomás trying to reach me. I listened to his phone messages.
“Bella, it’s Tomás. Answer for me.”
“Al...iss, please return my call. I want to tell you what is happening.”
“Al...iss please don’t do this, take my call. Call me anytime tonight, anytime.”
I think you have enough on your hands Tomás without worrying about calling or texting me, I thought.
There were also several text messages from him and one from Mia checking up on me. She must have texted when I was in the shower. I shot her back a quick text telling her I was okay and not to worry and that I was turning in. I mentioned I was going to ignore my phone for a while so not to panic if she couldn’t reach me.
Thank God I had my work to go to tomorrow—a blessing to be busy in my new job and to have the company of Kay, Sasha and Jim. Otherwise, I would have had to be in my own space all day, in pain and alone, or at college lost in a lecture, trying to focus and trying not to think of him.
I took a deep breath and opened Tomás’s texts. I didn’t want to read them but I wanted them to have some explanation in there that would make everything okay again and ease the ache in my chest.
TOMÁS: Alice I need 2 explain. It’s a history thing. pls
TOMÁS: Bella, don’t do this I am sick about it. Call. Need to talk to U
Wow, you feel sick Tomás, imagine how I feel and I don’t even have a back-up guy.
I sat upright in the dark of my room and made a plan. I would text him back, then I would move on. Tomorrow I would throw myself into my job with gusto and into my studies to get the semester finished. I was busy, too busy to think about Tomás or Finn or any of these guys who wanted something that was more than me, clearly more than I could give them.
I wrote a text in my head and then tapped it into the phone. I knew he wouldn’t come around—it was late now and he knew I lived at home. I read it again and then, signing off, I sent in to Tomás.
ME: Hi T, it’s ok. I understand, no explanation needed. It wz fun & thx 4 the G8 D8s. C U around the club maybe.
Tomás rang me within a minute of me sending that text. I don’t know how he was explaining to Julieta about the texts and phone calls and I didn’t care. I didn’t want to answer, I
didn’t want to hear his voice again especially when I was weak and pathetic and likely to believe anything fed to me. The phone beeped to tell me there was a phone message and I listened to it.
“Al...iss, I need to explain. Please take my call, bella.”
A few minutes later, a text message arrived.
TOMÁS: A, please, I know U R awake reading this, call me. Tx
I put my phone on the charger and decided to turn it off altogether. I had never done that before, but disconnecting from the world was just what I needed. And then I slept fitfully, seeing in the morning light.
Chapter 23
Thank God for hot showers and make-up. The water took some of the swelling out of my face and I practiced smiling to try and get my eyes more open and less swollen. I don’t know if that is scientifically proved to work but I was kind of desperate.
It sounds weird but I felt as if I grew up overnight, as if I had been let into a new club and had a bucket load of life experience poured on my head. Dad had left for work by the time I got up and Ryan and I moved around each other with our usual morning grunts.
I arrived early and found Jim in; he seemed oblivious to my slightly swollen face but I wouldn’t get it past Sasha Saxon of the Saints. Jim and I talked about the game for a few minutes and I thanked him for the conference opportunity on Friday and Saturday. Within fifteen minutes Sasha and Kay swanned in. It was going to be a great week for the team—Jim said the office morale was always up after a win and it made our job with the media and marketing so much easier. Kay gushed about the game and we all joined in again.
“Do your boys play soccer?” I asked after her two young sons.
“They do.” She lowered her voice. “But Spencer prefers track and field and Cooper likes swimming... don’t tell anyone,” she joked with a wink.
“My lips are sealed,” I assured her. We sat and logged in, getting Monday underway. I hadn’t turned on my phone, as I didn’t want to know if he had called or not called. Later, when I was feeling stronger, I’d clear my phone of all that. Sasha studied me but didn’t say anything initially until Kay went to photocopy a document.
“Are you okay?” she asked. “You look sort of... drained.”
Yep, she nailed it—that’s just how I felt.
“I am thanks, Sash, big weekend,” I said by way of explanation. “I had the conference too,” I reminded her.
“Oh yeah, any talent?” she asked.
“Yeah, there were some great presentations,” I teased.
She gave me a wry look; that wasn’t quite the talent she was talking about. We heard the coffee van arrive outside and Jim gave a shout of relief from his office.
“I can’t do Monday without a coffee,” he said, appearing and waving a twenty dollar note at us. “My shout for Monday if you girls order and collect?”
“Done!” Sasha jumped up and took it from him. “C’mon Alice, help me carry. The usual?”
“Please, but make it a large,” Jim said, returning to his office.
Kay came around the corner and nodded. “Oh yes, yes,” she said as if coffee was an orgasm. She reached for her purse and we told her it was Jim’s shout. A coffee orgasm might be the closest I came to one for a while... already with the pathetic jokes and it was only nine a.m.
We exited the building and joined the coffee queue at the van again. It was a smaller queue this morning. Most of the football staff wasn’t in yet, but the security team was—somehow The Russian had beaten us to the front again. I was beginning to think he had some sort of spy network of alerts going with the coffee van crew.
Sasha appraised me while we waited. “Mm, cute .. schoolish. I like that pinafore.”
I had on a grey pinafore, white dress shirt, black tights and black shoes and it was one of my favorite outfits, even if it did look a bit like a school uniform.
“I like that too,” I said, admiring her outfit. She wore a hounds-tooth short skirt, black tights and a black zip up jacket.
“I have a matching hounds-tooth hat too, but it’s a bit much for the office.”
“Did you make it?” I asked.
She nodded. “I sold two of my designs last week.”
“Good on you,” I said, impressed.
The Russian—all glorious six-foot-five of him, ambled past with a coffee for him and Ed. He checked me out.
“I like the schoolgirl look, Alice,” he teased. “Most becoming. An all girls’ school?”
“Of course, The-Bless-Me-Now-College-for-Wayward-Girls,” I said, looking down at my pinafore.
The Russian burst out laughing, a huge, booming laugh that matched his size. He shook his head at me—no comeback for that one—and continued on.
Eventually, back at my desk and with my skinny cappuccino in hand, my first priority was to select some of the great shots from the weekend’s game as they came in from our official photographer and drip feed them on our website and Facebook page over the week. I wanted to start the morning with a brilliant shot and of course, amongst the photos was the beautiful Tomás Carrera in action. I tried not to look at them but I was drawn to them like a magnet. It would get easier, I knew that. I picked a Lucas shot—the fans wanted to see their captain in a hero pose.
Shayne, our football manager, appeared in our area. He said a few words to Jim and then came out to see me, greeting us all.
“Got a gig for you this morning Alice; could be good for some social media exposure,” he said.
“Sure, great.” I looked up at him. Shayne, as a former player, had kept up his fitness and still looked damn good.
He continued, “Ed’s got a junior clinic from ten o’clock at the school down the road. It’s only an hour and Ed could use a bit of profile-raising. It would be good to get some shots of the young kids in action having fun too—we need to keep the youth recruitment and clinics in the spotlight.”
“Sounds good,” I said. “I’ll go catch Ed and attach myself to him.”
Shayne laughed. “Yeah, that’s a plan, thanks.” He turned to Sasha. “Maybe, Sasha Saxon from the Saints, you could use the shots for a small story in the next newsletter?”
“Super, for sure, Shayne,” she said, with a grin.
He moved over to have a chat to Kay about getting some extra tickets in the VIP area and I stuck my head into Jim’s office.
“All good with you if I go with Ed?” I asked and he gave the thumbs up and also handed over the camera from the bottom drawer of his filing cabinet.
“Might be better than your phone,” he said.
I took the camera and went to the office next door to mine to catch Ed. I rapped on the door and opened it when Russian’s voice boomed out a request for me to enter.
“Alice, twice in ten minutes! What a pleasure.” He grinned.
“Yeah, thanks Russian. I’m just here to see Ed,” I said, and laughed as The Russian’s face fell.
“First visitor ever for Ed.” Russian smirked.
Ed gave him a rude hand sign and a grin, and turned to me. He was shy and quiet spoken.
“Shayne suggests it might be good if I tag along with you to the clinic this morning and get some pics of you and the kids in action for the clinic promotions. That okay?” I asked.
“Sure,” he said, “leave here in thirty minutes? I’ll pick you up at your desk.”
“Perfect,” I said. “Well thanks guys, sorry to interrupt the engine room.”
The Russian grinned and Ed laughed.
“The place would shut down without us,” The Russian agreed.
I walked back to my office to find a huge delivery of flowers had arrived and was sitting on my desk. I inwardly groaned. Don’t do this Tomás, I don’t want everyone to know that we’ve started and you’ve got two on the go.
Sasha grinned at me. “Well, who did you impress on the weekend?”
I cringed. “I did wash the car, maybe Dad sent them,” I joked. They were beautiful, a huge bunch of mixed flowers of all colors and scents—I had Tomás’s
roses at home and now flowers at work; it was either a feast or a famine.
“So come on, tell us,” Kay said.
I moved them to the spare table against the wall where we could all enjoy them and opened the envelope with dread.
What the... ? The card read: Didn’t get to say goodbye but would love to say hello again, Dane.
I breathed a sigh of equal relief and disappointment. I didn’t want them to be from Tomás but I kind of did too. I was pathetically torn. There should be a manual for this stuff. I looked up to see Kay and Sasha looking at me expectantly.
“They’re from a guy who was at the conference. A really nice guy, he’s a film event promoter,” I said.
“What’s his name?” Sasha asked.
“Dane...” I had to think about his surname for a moment. “Dane Frazier. I’ll have to call and thank him. They’re divine,” I said, and buried my face into them.
“He’s hot,” Sasha said and I looked up and over at her.
“How do you know?” I asked.
“I found his Facebook page,” she said.
Kay and I both moved behind her.
“Very nice looking young man, Alice,” Kay approved. I swear sometimes she forgot she was only a decade older and instead, had taken the office mother role. “And not cheap… I like a man who sends flowers.”
“He’s lovely, but I’m not the only one who noticed at the conference,” I assured them. And he had made my morning a bit brighter, thanks Dane.
“I think you might be the only one he noticed though,” Kay said, with a glance to the flowers.
*****
Before I knew it, Ed appeared beside my desk carrying a bag full of soccer balls for the clinic. Sasha looked up at him.
“Got the address and the first aid kit?” she asked him. I looked at her, surprised, and she explained. “I always do a checklist before I leave home and the office.”
“Got them,” Ed confirmed.
“Got your phone?” she asked me.
I nodded. It wasn’t on, but I guess I had to bite the bullet and put it on since I was leaving the office and should be contactable.
