by Jamie Magee
As I crossed the threshold, a warm sensation seemed to absorb me. I grew even calmer – I couldn’t recall a moment that I ever felt so… peaceful. As I heard the guitar cry somewhere in the house, my eyes smiled. The woman circled me and seemed to nod at the thin air around me. With that gesture, the warm sensation faded, and in its wake I felt a numbing sensation. I was still calm, but deep in my core I felt my anxieties struggling to break free. I let out a guilty breath, then forced a smile as I looked into the small woman’s wise eyes.
“It’s Annabelle, right?” I finally managed to say.
“Nana…I’ve been Nana for nineteen years, and I’ll always be Nana,” she said sternly, as if I should already know that.
I looked down, feeling ashamed for some unknown reason. “I hear you’re a good one, too,” I said, smiling nervously as I fought to keep my anxiety at bay.
“I try,” she said as she slowly stepped forward. “It’s OK to be scared right now…I promise you’re coming back – it will all come back.”
I nodded, understanding that either mother or Evan must have told her what I was going through. I was almost grateful they had – I didn’t wanna try and explain myself…and right now I felt understood – calm.
I cleared my throat and let my shoulders relax, then nodded toward the ceiling. “That sounds really good.”
Her grin grew. “They got some idea an hour or so ago and have been up there going at it ever since. I’ll let you get them when dinner is ready, but now it’s just girl time.”
“Sounds nice,” I mumbled as I took in a jagged breath. I bit my bottom lip and told myself to just calm down – I needed to be here – I needed to remember.
I followed her to the kitchen. As I rocked my head back and forth to the rhythm of the music, I could hear them playing; it sounded amazing.
The entire kitchen was a gray and black stone. The walls were jagged, but the counters and floor were smooth. As I sat my bag down in the corner, I could see she had all kinds of pots boiling at once.
“Help me fix some fruit,” she said, pulling out a stool that was tucked under the island in the center of the kitchen. I rinsed my hands and took a seat, then started to slice strawberries.
“Your mom looked really good, too, when I saw her yesterday,” Nana said, looking over her shoulder as she stirred her pots at the stove. “I did tell her she was working too hard, though,” she said, smiling at me.
“It fell on deaf ears, I’m sure,” I said, reaching for the grapes so I could pull them from the vine.
“My sweet girl, your mother can hear more clearly than you’d imagine,” she said as she moved a steaming pot of vegetables from the burner.
“I don’t think I know the woman you do,” I said, trying not to sound so sad.
Nana set the pot of vegetables down, then turned to look at me. “You know more than you think you do, child…with each breath – each step you take - you call back what was taken from you. I can see that you’re scared and confused, and when you feel that way, the only way to make it through is to listen to your heart – right now, you’re standing at a threshold – from this place, you’re blind, but you will see again, you have to trust the ones that love you – the ones you love.”
I stared blankly back at her. It was like she knew – she knew everything I was fighting, and that was startling. As I studied her tender expression, I tried to smile. “Thank you,” I said quietly.
She looked beside me and smiled at the thin air. I looked from her to the empty space, trying to understand why everyone seemed to be doing that around me lately.
I couldn’t see anything, but it did feel like there was more than just us here; it was like I could just sense it. It wasn’t scary...I felt warm, safe, even protected, and I’d never felt that way outside of my own home.
“I want to see what you see…what Draven sees,” I said quietly.
“You will,” she said softly before turning back to her pots.
As I started to move to the music I was listening to, Nana did as well. It was really cool to see a woman her age understand the sound so perfectly. I finished making the fruit bowl, then helped her slice the bread. We worked in silence, but it wasn’t awkward; it was just peaceful.
“Almost done,” she said, tossing the creamy sauce over her pasta and vegetables. She then looked at the ceiling and said, “Sounds like they are, too.”
I focused on the sound; the drums had stopped, but the guitar played on.
“The glasses are there,” she said, nodding to the cabinet.
As I pulled them out, I heard Aden say, ”Oh no, you have her working? We would have helped.”
I looked over my shoulder to see him kissing Nana’s forehead, smiling at me. You’d think that because he was Draven’s twin, seeing him would make my heart race, but it didn’t; he was just a guy - a good guy, but he didn’t make me feel out of control.
“Nonsense, girl time; it’s been a while,” Nana said, patting his chest.
“I heard you rocked out today – good job,” Aden said, taking plates out of the cabinet.
“Thanks, but he was lying,” I said, blushing.
“Was he lying about making you laugh, too?” Aden said, trying to hide his grin.
I laughed quietly and tried not to blush, but I was sure I was bright red. “I wanna say no, but I’m really bad at lying,”
“Aren’t we all?” Nana said, looking over her shoulder at me. “Aden will set the table. Will you go and get Draven?”
I looked past them at the open doorway, not sure which way to go.
“Just follow the sound,” Aden said, putting his hand on the small of my back and pushing me forward.
When I reached the door, I looked back to see them smiling at each other and shaking their heads. I bit my bottom lip and turned to follow the sound of his guitar. I walked through the open front hall to the stairs, which were wide and circled as they climbed to the next floor. Along the walls, there were portraits of Draven and Aden growing up; they were so precious. At the top of the stairs, there was a wide hallway, and on the wall in front of me there was a beautiful portrait of who I could only assume was Draven’s mom. Her hair was long and dark like Draven’s, and her eyes were the same as his; there would be no denying that they belonged to her. I felt envious of that. I looked nothing like my mother or sister.
There was a narrow table under the portrait, and I leaned down to look at each picture. A few of them were old. I recognized my mom with Draven’s; they looked so young, carefree, and innocent. As I looked at the last picture on the right of the table, I froze; it was one of Draven, Aden, Madison, and…me. I remembered taking this picture one Christmas – but I didn’t remember Aden and Draven there. I could tell you every gift I got that year – what we had for dinner that night, but they weren’t there. I was sure of it.
My head started to spin, and I felt like I was going to faint. I braced myself against the table, squinted my eyes closed, and tried to call back every detail of that Christmas. I felt so blind; how could this picture exist without a memory behind it?
All at once, I felt a warm sensation all around me, like someone was embracing me – holding me through this dark moment. My heartbeat slowed, and I found my breath - but even in the calm state I was in, I still couldn’t remember them there.
I took in a deep breath, then turned to the left and walked down the hall, looking at the paintings and portraits – looking for more lost memories. At the end of that hall, there were stone stairs; I climbed them, knowing the sound of his guitar was up there. It almost sounded like the music was saying ‘hold fast to the dream you think you never had’...I smiled, knowing I was probably right.
At the top of the stairs, I found a musician’s dream. There were more guitars and amps than I could count in one glance, three sets of drums, and one key board. There was a brown suede couch and chair angled in the center of the large oval room. A massive window was on the left side of this room, and Draven was in front of it
, playing his guitar as he looked out. I walked softly up behind him. Over his shoulder, I could see my house. I could see the studio, the black leather couch, and the stand with all of the guitars. I tapped his shoulder; he looked back at me, almost as if he were expecting to see me standing there. I let a shy smile come across my lips as he finished the chord he was playing.
“I must have left that light on,” I said, raising my eyebrows, prepared to judge his every word. I couldn’t understand why he – or anyone else - wouldn’t tell me what I’d forgotten… I mean, was it bad…or was I just a horrible person for forgetting?
As his eyes moved to the window, mine followed his; just as I looked, the light turned off.
“Did you turn it off, too?” he asked quietly.
Heat burned through every part of my skin. I was starting to fear the answers I was seeking.
“You haven’t shown me how to see what you see yet… so I’m gonna say Kara did,” I said, trying to look calm, wondering if he could see the effect he had on me.
He slowly moved the strap of his guitar from around him and set it down inside the stand under the window. His eyes never left me. He wasn’t looking at me; he was looking all around me. He furrowed his eyebrows.
“What happened?” he asked in a scared, angry whisper.
I looked up at him and swallowed, not understanding how he could gauge my emotions so easily - or even why I always seemed to bring that negative emotion within him to life.
“Nothing; just fighting my demons,” I said quietly.
As he slowly reached his hand for my face and cradled it with the palm of his hand, I felt the warm rush of energy that his skin always seemed to provide. He let his thumb trace over my cheekbone as he looked into my eyes. “I have to figure out how to make you stronger. I can see them at your doorstep.”
I took in a deep breath, not knowing if we were talking about the same thing or not. He let his hand fall from my face.
“Hungry?” he asked.
“You’re always trying to get me to eat,” I said in a teasing manner.
“No, not at all. I just know we have about thirty seconds before Nana comes after us,” he said, winking at me.
“Right. By the way, good call on the name – Annabelle didn’t work,” I said, trying to hold in a laugh.
His eyes seemed to grow sad. “She was eager to talk to you…did she get a chance to?” he asked in a voice just above a whisper as his eyes fell into mine.
“Yeah…she told me I was gonna be alright…that I’d see like you,” I said as I tried to smile.
He gently reached his arms around me and pulled me to him. In the silent room, he swayed us back and forth. I breathed in the addictive aroma of his cologne and let myself pretend for a moment that my life could be this simple – that I could feel this calm all the time.
I leaned away before I found myself too far lost in that illusion. “I don’t wanna make Nana mad,” I said quietly as I urged him to lead me downstairs.
Downstairs, we found Aden and Nana in the kitchen. They’d set the food on the table in the little breakfast nook.
“There they are,” Nana said, setting a plate of bread on the table. “I thought about eating in the dining room, but those chairs are just too far apart; this is cozy,” she said, reaching her arm out for me to come to her at the table.
Draven tightened his fingers around mine and didn’t let go until he pulled out my chair. Nana smiled and nodded at him as if to say good job. I looked back to see him blushing.
We ate in silence for a moment. Everything tasted so perfect. My mom’s housekeeper, Rosa, would cook for me, but it didn’t taste like this; it was like I could feel the love that went into the meal.
“That sounded good,” Nana said, looking between Aden and Draven, referring to what they were playing before.
“Ideas come from everywhere,” Draven said, looking to his side at me.
I just smiled.
“Did either of you talk to your dad today?” Nana asked.
They both shook their head no.
“Well, he landed safe. He wanted to know if either of you had said anything else about your set last night,” Nana said.
“It was amazing – I told them they need a name,” I said boldly.
“Oh, like ‘Anonymous’? That’s a good name, right, Nana?” Aden said, smiling at me.
“It is, and it’s a good way to stay,” she said, raising her eyebrows as if to warn them. They both nodded as if to agree.
“So you guys don’t have dreams to play all the big venues and sell millions of downloads?” I asked curiously.
Draven took his last bite of pasta and looked into my eyes. “Big dreams, but not those.”
“Well, what are they?” I asked, looking around the table at them, wanting to find answers between their words.
I felt a tension rise and thought maybe I said something wrong.
Draven tried to smile behind the anger I could see in his captivating eyes. “We just wanna play our music, and if others can see what we’re saying, then that’s good; if not, then at least we played.”
I furrowed my eyebrows as I questioned the anger I saw in him. I felt like we’d had this discussion before and what he was saying was what I wanted - not what he wanted. I felt like I knew I was holding him back, and that broke my heart. The talent I’d seen in him couldn’t remain a secret – it was there for a divine purpose. I moved my head from side to side as grief filled my expression.
“It’s hard to explain why I feel that way now without you seeing what I see,” he said, reaching his hand for mine.
“Waiting on you,” I said quietly.
Aden pushed his empty bowl away and leaned forward on the table. He looked at Nana, then at me. “I didn’t realize we were already talking about that.”
“Not clearly,” Draven whispered, holding my stare.
“Well,” Nana said, looking at the thin air around me. “I’d stress that you find the words that are clear, Draven. I’ve never seen anything like this.”
I held my breath and lost all expression in my face; I was almost scared of her words. At that moment, thunder clapped in the air, and I jumped at the sound of it. Draven reached his arm around me, then looked at Nana and shook his head no.
“It’s alright,” Aden said. His eyes held the sympathy I heard in his voice.
“You’re fine,” Nana said, reaching across the table to pat my hand. “You’re right where you’ve always belonged,” she said as she got up.
I wanted to look up at Draven and judge his expression, but I was just too scared to. Thunder rumbled again, and I moved my chair closer to him before my mind could tell me to stop. Aden got up to help Nana clear away the table. I felt foolish just sitting there, so I got up and started to help, too. Once we had the kitchen cleaned, Nana stretched her arms.
“Well, this old lady is going to bed,” she said.
She reached up and kissed both Draven and Aden on the cheek, then walked over to me and hugged me tightly. “I’ll see you soon.”
I nodded, not sure how seriously I should take the word ‘see’ anymore.
Once she left the room, I looked back at them. Aden was moving his hands against the counter like he was playing a mass of chords. “Well, do you wanna play some more, or would you rather I just disappear and leave you guys alone?” Aden asked, tilting his head and letting his eyes move between the two of us.
I wasn’t going to move; I didn’t want to give any hidden message in my body language. Draven studied my face for a second. “Let’s play; I tell you when to go,” he said, punching Aden in the arm.
“That’s what I wanted to hear,” Aden said, grinning and walking out the door.
Draven put his arm around me. “Maybe you’ll be able to see my favorite audience,” he whispered.
Every part of me tensed. He let his hand slide down my arm and looped his fingers through mine. “To see… you’re gonna have to stop that; you’re blocking everything,” he
said quietly, looking into my eyes for some kind of understanding.
“I can’t help it; I don’t know why you do that to me, and it really makes me mad,” I said in the most confident tone I could manage.
He shook his head no. “You’re not mad, you’re scared; there’s a big difference,” he said, pulling me to follow him. I tried to let the tension leave me, but my heart just started to race.
A sudden urge to run came over me. I couldn’t comprehend it. I wanted to be at his side – to understand if I’d really lost memories, but at the same time I didn’t think I’d be able handle what I learned. I started to tell him I just wanted to go home - but as soon as I opened my mouth, I felt the warm sensation all around me, and a calm that couldn’t belong to me suddenly became mine. It was so numbing, I stopped. As Draven’s eyes looked all around me, he smiled confidently at something or someone I couldn’t see, then pulled me forward again. The sensation of calm stayed with me. By the time we’d reached their studio, I took ownership of it.
Aden was sitting behind a massive set of drums, twirling the sticks. I admit, I was excited to see him play; I don’t think I’ve ever been this close. I let go of Draven’s hand and settled on the couch to watch them play. Draven went to his guitar, and I could only stare as I watched the strap go across his back. I was still calm - almost too calm, but underneath that, I could feel a nervous anticipation of just being around him.
I listened carefully as they played and even let myself rock with the rhythm. As the music swarmed around me, the air seemed to electrify. It felt like the world was listening with me. Four straight songs later, Aden’s beat slowed to a whisper, then Draven’s guitar began to cry an almost silent note. He nodded for me to come to him. I can’t explain it, but I almost felt pushed to him. Not in a bad, suffocating way; more like someone was nudging me in the direction I needed to go.
I stood up slowly and stared into his eyes as I crossed the room. In that moment, the room was empty and silent… it was as if we were the only souls in this world. Once I reached his side, his guitar bellowed one final note, so hard that I felt it vibrate through me. His eyes slowly broke away from mine, and he looked to the window. I followed his stare and watched as the lights in my father’s studio turned on and off again twice. I stared calmly at the room as the light remained on. Even though the proof was right in front of me, I still couldn’t believe it - not out of fear that it was real, but out of fear that it wasn’t.
