by Shey Stahl
Our eyes met. “I’m sorry if this brings back… you know.”
His chin shook, and he blinked rapidly. “I’m praying for them both.” Swallowing hard, he nodded back at the waiting room behind him. “The guys are going to head out. We have to get the haulers to Lincoln.”
I twisted to look at Alley, who was still next to us, and Dad, who’d appeared with a cup of coffee in his hand. His eyes were bloodshot. “We’re gonna have yours and Kinsley motor homes driven back to the shop. Haulers too.”
Given the condition of both Rager and Caden, they weren’t going back to racing right away. And Caden, maybe never. We still weren’t sure of the extent of him being paralyzed, or if this was something that was temporary.
I eventually went back into the room with Kinsley, knowing that there was nothing we could do here for a while. “My mom got some hotel rooms nearby. Do you want to go see Grace and get some sleep since we can’t see the boys yet?”
“Okay.” Her eyes lifted from her phone. “My parents and Caden’s mom are on a flight here. Did you hear about Rager?”
“He’s out of surgery now but they have him in a medically induced coma. Fractured skull, collapsed lung, broken ribs and ankle.”
Her bloodshot eyes focused on mine. “But he’s going to be okay?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Thank God.” She sighed, holding a waded-up tissue in her hand. “I can’t handle any more bad news.”
I didn’t like the idea of leaving Rager in the hospital, but I also wanted to see the kids. They had to be so scared. Though they were young, I saw Pace and Bristol’s faces when the helicopter landed. They knew.
Dad stayed at the hospital with Lane and Zac, Caden’s crew chief. I took Kinsley with me to the hotel to see the kids. On the drive there, Kinsley’s eyes fixated on mine in the back seat of the Uber. The agony was almost too much to bear. “How am I ever going to explain to him that he might never race again? It’s his life. It’s the only thing he’s ever wanted.”
Guilt hit me so hard it took my breath away. Was she mad at me because Rager wasn’t paralyzed and Caden was? Certainly carrying around my own baggage of guilt, I didn’t know what to say to her. But I had to say something as she was looking to me for answers, just as I had to Alley, and would have from my mom had she been there.
“You’re going to tell him that this doesn’t change anything. People have come back from injuries like this, and if he can’t, if that’s physically impossible, it doesn’t mean he can’t be involved in the sport in some way.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks. “I feel so alone right now.”
I held her close. “You’re not though. We’re your racing family.”
And we were. Together we’d get through this. As scary as it was to navigate through.
“WHERE’S DADDY?” PACE asked, looking around the hotel room when the morning light peeked through the room.
I hadn’t slept at all. Instead, I laid awake, the crash playing in my head over and over again. I held Pace closer, my lips pressed to his forehead as he lay with me. Bristol was on the right, Hudson and Knox on the bed with my mom. To our left in the bedroom of the suite, Kinsley slept next to Grace. On the floor, Hayden, Casten, Gray, Ryder, and Rowyn.
The room was filled with our family and I wasn’t sure who was awake, but I knew I needed to answer Pace. Drawing in a deep breath, I whispered, “Daddy is going to be in the hospital for a little bit.”
Pace lifted his head. “Why?”
“He hit his head when he crashed and they’re making sure he’s going to be okay?”
“With Uncle Caden?”
I nodded, loving that my kids referred to Caden and Kinsley as aunt and uncle. Slowly everyone began to wake up and Dad called from the hospital. Caden would be heading into surgery and they knew Kinsley wanted to see him first.
I walked into the room where she was sleeping and found her lying awake. She looked over at me when I opened the door. I smiled, though I knew it wouldn’t offer much to her. “Do you want to head over to the hospital? They’re going to be taking Caden into surgery soon.”
She sat up. “Yeah.” Her eyes drifted to the baby next to her. “Do you think your mom could watch her today? I’ve pumped enough food for her through the day.”
“It’d be her pleasure. She loves babies.”
Mom peeked her head inside the door, her hair a mess, mascara smeared down her face. “I literally can’t wait to hold her. That’s all I did earlier this morning.”
And there, in the middle of her nightmare, Kinsley smiled. “You’re spoiling my baby girl.”
Removing herself from the bed, she gently picked the baby up and handed her to my mom. That was when mom hugged Kinsley. “I’ve been where you are before, honey. It gets easier. Every hour they heal, and it gets easier. I’m not telling you what comes next is going to be easy, but it gets better. Just take one hour at a time.”
Kinsley started crying. “We’re so lucky to have this team.”
We were all lucky to have this team.
Mom pulled me aside before we left, her arms wrapped tight around my shoulders. “Take your miracles where we found them. Reach for the impossible, trading paint, brushing the wall, and sometimes, against all logic—you make it through to the lead and hold on for the white flag.”
At first, I didn’t know what she was talking about, or maybe my mind couldn’t comprehend the meaning. It wasn’t until we reached the rental car that I realized what she meant. Even when you’re at your worst, when you don’t think your car was going to make it, you could pull through if you held on.
CADEN WENT INTO surgery that night to repair the fracture in his neck and I was able to see Rager for the first time. Though I was relieved to see him, it didn’t make me feel much better about his condition. I sobbed when I saw him. I was so scared I’d never see him again. When they took him away on that LifeFlight, I remember thinking, what if I don’t see him again? What if that was my last chance? And now here, as I stood in that cool dark room with my husband basically strapped to a bed, the vision sent me into a spin of emotions I couldn’t handle.
It was as if all the air had been sucked from my lungs and I fought to breathe again.
The nurse reached for me and I must have swayed on my feet. “Are you okay, Mrs. Sweet?”
It was then I realized I hadn’t eaten since before the race yesterday and it was probably contributing to it.
“I’m fine,” I told her, stepping toward Rager. “Is he okay? I mean, is the swelling coming down?”
“It is. He’s doing great.”
I touched my hand to his. It was cold and unfamiliar. His face was badly bruised. He was on a ventilator, had a chest tube in and another one attached to the side of his head. And they’d shaved his beautiful jet-black hair from the front of his head. Now he looked like he was growing a half-assed mullet. I wanted to laugh. But I also wanted to cry. I hated seeing him like this.
The doctors assured me, and Kinsley, that keeping both Rager and Caden in a medically induced coma was best for allowing them to heal. It didn’t make us feel any better, but I kept reminding myself they were still alive. That was all that mattered.
That afternoon, while Kinsley and her mom sat with Caden, I had a meeting with Dad and Alley, and we made a plan for the next month. It felt good to have a distraction from worrying.
Per the World Racing rules, we had fourteen days to find replacement drivers. Cody was filling in for Rager and Tyler would drive for Caden—both previous JAR Racing drivers—until the end of the season. Then we’d talk about what to do for next year, but it was almost certain, Caden might never race again.
I broke down. To know that someone’s career had ended before they were ready, it broke me. And Kinsley, who was sitting with the hospital staff and grief counselors right now going over his care for the next few days after his second surgery, and the ones that would follow in the days to come. Their entire life was about to change. They’d
just had a baby and started their life together, and now it was completely rearranged.
Tears streamed down my face and I could tell Dad was bothered by the realization too. His eyes were glossy when he added, “Legally we have to run the car through till the end of the year. And then Rager and I can discuss what our options are for next season.”
Lily, who was in charge of the budget for JAR Racing, added, “I suggest dropping the fifth car at the end of the season.”
We knew running five cars might have been a bit much, but with Caden behind the wheel, it had been beneficial to us. Now that he wouldn’t be, it didn’t make sense. Financially.
“But we could see about having him as a team member in some form. Kinsley too,” Dad added, looking to Lily for assurance.
“Yes, that would be possible. Totally. It’s just running the fifth car for the entire season, without Caden behind the wheel, well, he brought those sponsors with him so….”
Caden had the appeal everyone wanted. Young, hungry, driven, and so fucking talented. It was gut-wrenching to see this happening and knowing there was absolutely nothing we could do about it.
Dad cleared his throat. “Whatever Caden’s medical bills are, they’re on me. I’ll cover it all.”
Lily nodded. “I’ll let the hospital know. He has some medical coverage, but I know it’s not going to cover all this.”
More tears rolled down my face as I made eye contact with my dad. This man had always been my hero, but today, I saw him once again as the legend I always knew him to be. It’d been almost twenty-four hours since the accident and he hadn’t left this hospital since he’d arrived. And I doubt we’d get him to leave any time soon. Not until he knew that Caden was going to make it.
Dad pulled me aside after the meeting. “How are you holding up?”
I shrugged, not knowing what to say.
He leaned in and pressed his lips to my forehead. “In an engine, there were moving pieces inside that engine, systems that keep it running, belts moving, oil flowing and spark,” he told me, holding me close. “You could take one out of the equation and the engine failed. You depend on those systems to keep everything moving. We’re the belts, the oil, the spark. Without us, none of this works.”
He was right. I had to keep it together. For me, for my kids, for Kinsley, and most importantly, for Rager and Caden.
DAD, CASTEN, AXEL and the other JAR Racing members had to leave to be at Lincoln Speedway. Mom, Hayden, and Rager’s mom stayed with us. Rager’s dad, Duncan, went with my dad to Lincoln to help out in any way he could.
Caden’s mom and Kinsley’s arrived earlier in the morning and had taken Grace with them back to the hotel.
Later that evening, I went to see Rager again and took Pace with me. He was hysterical that he hadn’t been able to see him and borderline inconsolable. Bristol didn’t understand, and Knox, he had a stick and Casten to entertain him. Hudson, he couldn’t care less and also, didn’t understand any of this.
When I took Pace up to see Rager, Jackie, Rager’s mom, went with me. She still hadn’t seen him yet.
Pace didn’t say a word as I held his hand. He stared at Rager, and then me, but no words came. I worried bringing him here wasn’t the right thing to do. Maybe I shouldn’t have let him see him? Was this bad parenting?
Finally, he moved closer to Rager. “I love you, Daddy. Please come home.”
Again, I fucking cried. If it hadn’t been for Jackie beside me, I probably would have lost it all together.
We didn’t stay in his room long, but the doctor assured me the pressure in his head had already come down immensely from where it was this morning. Outside the room, Pace yanked on my hand. I kneeled down to his level, my hands on his face.
His eyes searched mine. “Is my daddy going to die?”
Like it or not, Pace knew the dangers of the sport, even at four. He’d seen bad wrecks, and watched some drivers not walk away. Last year a late model driver died at the world finals in Charlotte. They knew and I hated that they did.
But I couldn’t lie to him. I didn’t want to because if something went wrong, how could I sit there and tell him I was wrong.
“I don’t know, buddy. I don’t think so, but until he’s better, I don’t know.”
Sucking in a breath, his eyes watered. “Don’t tell Bristol. She’s sad.”
“I know she is.” I hugged him to my chest, wishing this wasn’t his reality. I thought of Jonah and Jacen after they lost their brother, and their faces reminded me so much of Pace right then. One of confusion and fear, but also, trust in the ones around them. They were so little, so innocent, yet they knew. They prepared and understood life.
I felt Rager with me again, his presence, and saw him when I looked at Pace. Holding our son in my arms, I let myself believe, even though I couldn’t see or hear him, that Rager was with us, fighting.
Cupping Pace’s cheeks in my hands, I repeated what my dad had said to me earlier. “You know how Daddy runs a big loud engine in his car?”
Pace nodded, nearing tears.
“Well inside that engine, there are moving pieces inside it. Things that keep it going. Like belts, oil, and spark. You can’t take any of those away because if you do, the engine doesn’t run. Do you know what that means?”
His dark brow furrowed like Rager’s did when he was thinking. “It doesn’t go?”
“Exactly. The car would stop. So if me and you, and your brothers and sister are those parts inside the engine and we give up, what does that mean?”
He drew in a quick breath, as if he was trying so hard not to cry. I kissed each one of his red cheeks as he whispered, “Our engine doesn’t work?” his attention on my necklace Rager gave me on our first wedding anniversary—a spring car wing with the number 99 in diamonds.
“Yep. We have to keep going and working through this so our engine doesn’t quit. Daddy needs us to keep this going for him so we’re gonna be super strong and do our jobs, aren’t we?”
He dropped the necklace charm from his fingertips. It hit my chest about as hard as his forced smile. “I won’t let Daddy down.”
“You never could, Pace. He loves you so much.”
With our little boy in my arms, I let myself weaken slightly, knowing the only way to win the race would be to fall back and wait for an opening.
TWO DAYS LATER, they were able to decrease Rager’s sedation and allow him to wake up on his own. His swelling had come down and the lung was almost healed. It’d still be another few days before the ventilator was removed, but having him look at me and squeeze my hand gave me hope.
“I love you,” I told him, over and over again.
He blinked slowly, watching me carefully, trying to breath over the ventilator.
I looked at the nurse. “Is he in pain?”
“He’s anxious,” the nurse told me. “They all act this way when they’re awake and still on the ventilator. It’s not comfortable.”
I squeezed his cold hand once more. “The kids can’t wait to come see you.”
That did nothing for his mood. He scowled, trying to shift in the bed but wasn’t able to since they had his hands constrained to the bed. His heart rate increased and the nurse noticed. “We should let him rest.”
I ended up leaving, fearing I was upsetting him. Rager didn’t even look at me. Outside the room, I immediately burst into tears in the hallway where my dad was waiting for me.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I sobbed into his chest. “Everything I say is wrong.”
Dad chuckled and rubbed my back. “Try being a man. Ninety percent of what we say is wrong.”
I cried harder.
“It’s a lot to take in for him,” Dad said, his voice softer. “He’s confused and in pain. Give him some time.”
I knew it would, but it still wasn’t easy to see.
After leaving Rager’s room, I went down the hall to check on Kinsley, who’d been with Caden. She was seated in a chair next to his bed, her legs p
ulled up and her arms wrapped around them. Her chin rested on her knee, her face, tired, consumed, worried.
“Do you need anything?” I asked, struggling to see this side of her. Though I knew once Rager woke up, he would eventually return to racing, it was heartbreaking to be in this room and know the outcome was completely different.
“My milk dried up,” she whispered, tears in her eyes. “My life is slowly falling apart, and I can’t even give my baby the one thing I should be able to.”
I didn’t know what to say to her, but just as my dad had been there for me, I needed to give Kinsley words of wisdom, if I had any. I sat next to her. “You’re a great mom, Kinsley. You’re just stressed out, and that’s to be expected. That’s not your fault.”
Her eyes drifted to him again. “I just want him to wake up. I want to see that adorable smile I fell in love with and those pretty brown eyes. I don’t want to think about anything but that.”
And then I thought about how Rager comforted me when my mom was in the hospital having surgery. “Tell me your favorite memory of her.” And the night I found out my grandpa died. We were in the hallway, and he was still wearing his racing suit. I was wearing pajamas having come from home. He’d wrapped his arms around me and drew me into his chest. I’d never felt so safe in that moment as I did when he held me. He whispered, “He’s with you, even when he isn’t anymore.”
I hated that the man I relied on to comfort me was now attached to tubes, but I also needed to be here for Kinsley. So I played the role I needed and wanted to. I pulled up a chair next to her and held her hand. “Tell me your favorite memory of him? The moment you knew you loved him.”
Her smile was almost instant. Like a flick of a match, she lit up and told me everything about how they started. She was fifteen when she met him and Willamette Speedway in Lebanon Oregon. He was sixteen and raced his first sanctioned National ASCS race that he won. Her cousin Nova introduced them and they stayed up until three in the morning talking. They didn’t see each other again until her and Nova snuck out of the house and drove down to Calistoga Speedway, his home track to watch him race. From there, they talked every day and she traveled to see him when she could. The day she graduated, he picked her up from the ceremony, she packed a bag, and they traveled the country together racing.
