by Shey Stahl
I looked over at him, his hat shadowing his face. “You gonna take me for a ride?”
He smirked but kept his eyes on the distance. “Not on the track.” His hand slipped lower, to my ass, suggestively.
Turning toward him, I brought my hand to his scruffy jaw and eased his face toward mine. His bright blue eyes shined with the summer heat. “Are you using sex to avoid what’s really going on?”
Sighing, he turned his hat around backward and leaned his forehead into mine. “What’s really going on?”
“You’re scared.”
His jaw flexed as he swallowed, but no words followed. There was an apology in his smile as his eyes clung to mine, but still no denial. After time trails on Wednesday, he met me back at the motor home and fucked me against the wall in our very small shower. Following his heat race, two hours later, we had sex in the men’s bathroom stall with Willie in the next stall asking if it was wrong that he got chub from it. Or that he took a picture underneath the wall and Rager destroyed his phone afterward.
He was clearly using sex as a crutch. I couldn’t blame him in a way, but it didn’t make it any easier.
THAT NIGHT WE went over to Dingus, a dive bar across the street from the race track. Most of the drivers and crew liked to hang out there. I didn’t want to drink with the upcoming surgery and believe me, my husband drank enough for the both of us.
“Every time I step foot in this place, I think my liver screams fuck you,” Axel noted, stepping inside with Rager, me, Casten, and Hayden. Lily stayed back with the kids. We spotted Tommy, Willie, and Paxton. Yep. Underage kid in the bar.
“Ain’t that the truth,” Casten agreed. “Pretty sure the first time I got drunk was here.”
Both Axel and I eyed our brother.
He laughed. “Okay, that’s a lie.”
“Sweet spot!” someone yelled at the bar when they saw Rager walk in, hooded sweatshirt on, hat covering his eyes.
He nodded, but didn’t look up when he was handed his third beer of the night. Dingus was loud, dark, and exactly what he wanted to disappear into the crowd. He stayed outside with Axel, fully engrossed in a bean bag competition that had them shoving each other at one point.
Across the street, you could see the lights of the track. I sighed when I saw Olivia approach Axel and Rager. “She’s a bitch,” Willie said beside me, wrapping his arm around me.
“You’d think she’d get the point someday.”
“Not likely. But… she gives good head.”
I pushed him away, laughing. “Gross. Why would you let her?”
“Because you’re taken,” he teased, catching himself against the chain link fence.
I wasn’t surprised he’d slept with her. She’d made her way around to all the teams, dirt and asphalt. For some reason, it made me think of Easton, and the fact that he had too. Nausea rolled through me when she wrapped her skinny arm around Rager’s shoulders as he handed her the bean bag. Apparently she had inserted herself into the game.
He looked over at her, said something to her, and then twisted the other way toward his beer on the bench beside him. And chugged it.
She never moved away from him and it pissed me off that he didn’t punch her. Okay, I know he wouldn’t have done that but still, biggest slut in the industry for sure. Hayden stood next to me, scowling at her. “You need to say something to that basic bitch. Or I’m going to.”
“What am I going to say?”
Her face adapted a sudden somber edge. “To stay the fuck away from your husband. That’s what I said to her when she started hanging around Casten last year.”
I downed her beer. Fuck not drinking. “I have something better in mind.”
“I can’t wait.” Hayden lifted another beer to her lips, smiling.
Through the crowd and blaring country music, I made my way over to Rager and the guys. He watched me, bright blue steady on mine, dark lashes heavy with the amount of beer he’d had tonight. In front of him, I tipped my head up, his lips a breath from mine. He smelled like Bud Light and everything I remember about the first time I went to Dingus with him when I was nineteen. Not old enough to be in here, married to another man, and dancing with the one who always held my attention. Ten years later, he still had it.
Without words, he inched down, closing the space between us and backed me against the metal fence. My blood pounded in my ears in competition with the music. Looking over his shoulder, I noticed Olivia was watching us.
His lips met mine, one kiss, two, three, and then his mouth was exploring. His tongue was warm, salty, and so intense. Fisting my hands in his hoodie, I yanked him closer, our foreheads crashing together. His hat was knocked off in the process, a laugh escaping his lips.
“I think you made your point,” he mumbled, biting at my bottom lip. He boxed me in against the fence, his fingers curling around on the links. His quick breathing caught my attention, but his eyes kept it. They were intense, beautiful, a mixture of agony and need.
“And what’s that?”
He licked his lips, his tongue almost touching my mouth. “That I’m taken.” He pressed forward, our bodies aligned and the bass of the music pulsing between us. “So why don’t you show me that needy little cunt of yours.”
As I rolled my eyes, laughter escaped me. “You’re so crass when you’re drunk.”
He stared down at me, his eyes heavy, lashes thick. “I love you.”
Touching my hands to his cheeks, I slid the tip of my nose against his. “If I said fuck me in front of her, would you?” I had no idea where any of this was coming from, but Hayden’s laughter in the distance provoked me.
His breath caught, his mouth eagerly on mine. “In a fucking heartbeat.”
And though I loved it, when he cupped my breasts in front of my brothers and started sucking on my neck, I had to pull him aside. “Okay, how about here instead?” I suggested, yanking him by the front of his sweatshirt to the parking lot behind the bar. There were people all around, but it was dark enough no one could see what we were doing.
Reaching inside his jeans, I palmed his dick, the velvety length gliding between my fingertips. “Are we too old to be doing this?”
“I need you,” he groaned, working on his jeans. He planted his hand against the building and I flipped my sundress up. With as much as he wanted it this weekend, it was easier than shorts.
“Make it quick,” I teased, eyeing the street behind Rager where I noticed my dad walking over from the track. Thankfully, he was stopped by a group of fans wanting his autograph. “My dad is about sixty feet away.”
He said nothing when he slipped my panties aside with a quick pass of his fingertips. In the next second, I felt the head of his thick cock entering me. A shudder ran through me with excitement when I realized that someone was watching us. Olivia. She pretended like she didn’t see it, but she did. I smiled, watching her as I gripped my husband’s hoodie at his shoulders. Carefully, I winked and raised my middle finger.
Take that, bitch.
He panted in my ear, and my back scraped against the concrete building as he fucked me. “I’m coming,” he grunted, his feet shifting against the pavement as he drove into me faster.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that all we had right now was sex, reminding me that while I had my husband physically, mentally, I couldn’t even begin to touch that side.
THE REAL SURPRISE of the Knoxville Nationals was Caden showing up Saturday afternoon. He and Kinsley flew over with the baby and took a break from his therapy sessions to attend the final night of Knoxville Nationals. It wasn’t easy on him. I could tell by the expression on his face, though he tried so hard to hide it.
Sighing, his stare swept over the pits, and then to Rager who stood stone-faced on the other side of his car obsessing over his fifth place starting position.
“Look what the cat drug in,” Jameson teased, leaning down to hug Caden when he noticed him in the pits.
It wasn’t easy to get his wheelchair th
rough the dirt, but he managed with what he told us were off-road tires. “They hooked me up,” he noted, smiling at his altered wheelchair. “Next is the squeeze for speed handle.”
“Let’s take it one thing at a time.” Kinsley laughed, rocking Grace back and forth in the pack on her chest. All I could see were Grace’s chubby little legs dangling out.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” I said, hugging Kinsley. We’d kept in touch every day, but I had no idea she was going to show up for nationals.
“Me either.” She pulled out of the hug, adjusting Grace when she fussed. I was in awe of her, actually, both of them for having the courage to do this.
Standing next to her, I watched Caden talking to Rager now, motioning to the track. It was nice to see them together again. “How’s he been doing?”
Kinsley smiled. “Really good. His body has been really responsive to the therapy sessions. He’s gotten some feeling back in his left leg and even moved it the other day.”
“That’s amazing.” My heart burst with happiness, my smile instant. “Are they hopeful he might walk again?”
“It’s not out of the question, but they give Caden the same answer every time he asks. Day by day. The most progression they see with spinal cord injuries usually happen in the first six months from the injury.”
“Oh, really? You’d think time would be the key there.”
“I thought that too, but the nerves wake up rather quickly, and the longer they take, the more drawn out recovery would be.”
“Interesting.”
Her eyes landed on Caden who had rolled himself into the hauler and was talking with the crew guys. Gray beside him looking the most excited I’d seen since she won the USAC Quarter Midget Junior Animal championship last year.
Kinsley leaned into me, motioning to Caden. “He misses everyone so much.”
“That’s why once he’s finished with therapy, you guys are coming back.”
That earned me a laugh. “That’s what Jameson’s been telling him daily.”
Hayden made her way over to us. “I need to know the scoop, girlfriend.”
Kinsley continued to rock the baby. “You and Casten need to stop sending Caden texts. He’s getting all kinds of bad ideas.”
“Like what?” Hayden rolled her eyes. “We’re helping you out.”
“They’re sending him texts?” It didn’t surprise me but I was curious. “What are you sending him?”
“Inappropriate ideas.” Leaning toward me, she whispered. “All he wants to do is have sex. All the time.”
My cheeks heated. “He doesn’t have any problems with that?”
“Nope. Works like it always did.” She laughed, covering her face, as if she couldn’t believe she admitted that.
I don’t know what I loved more that night. Sitting in the suite with Caden and Kinsley as we watched my little brother win his first Knoxville Nationals, or the fact that finally our family felt whole again in the pits that night after the win. Though shit had changed, the dynamic was different, what once felt unbearably different had settled into a new line. Not as fast as the one we were in, but we were still setting a good lap time.
Dropped Cylinder – A cylinder becomes too rich (too much fuel in the air/fuel mixture) which prevents the spark plugs from firing.
After Knoxville, I wasn’t sure I wanted to race anymore. Okay, I should rephrase that. I wanted to race, but fear had been holding me back. It showed in my performance at nationals. I loved the fact that Caden showed up and that Casten won his first Knoxville Nationals. But like it or not, something inside me had changed. Fear, yes, but emotionally, I couldn’t pinpoint what it was that had been driving me before this, and what I’d lost along the way.
For as long as I could remember, all I’d ever wanted to do was race. Now one accident had left me nervously anticipating the time when I wouldn’t be able to walk away from it. I almost hadn’t, and someone else didn’t. Seeing Caden at Knoxville only made it worse. I understood why he came—JAR Racing was still a huge part of his life—but it didn’t make it any easier on me. The one who ended his career.
It could have been anyone.
It’s not your fault.
It was just a racing accident.
That was what everyone told me, and I told myself those same things, but for someone so completely absorbed with racing as I was, I couldn’t accept any of those answers.
There was a one-week break after Nationals before we had to be in Grand Forks. Arie had her surgery a few days earlier and everything went smoothly. The day she came home from the hospital, I couldn’t stand to be in the house. I felt like the fucking walls were closing in on me, and I didn’t know how to be there for her while stuck inside my own head.
So there I sat at the Pig Pit, drinking, because I didn’t want to go home and look at her face. Not that I didn’t love her, but looking at her only reminded me that I was letting her down.
Casten showed up at the restaurant, probably because Arie sent him to check on me. Either way, I didn’t want any company and I think he knew it. For an hour, we sat in silence and drank. Before he left, he said to me, “I know it’s not the same thing, but I have an idea of what you’re feeling.” He raked his hand through his dark hair, his eyes on the televisions lining the bar I had been staring at for hours. “I was supposed to be watching Jack that night. He was my responsibility. And he died because I let him walk closer to the track.” I looked over at him when his voice cracked. “That kind of guilt, it stays with you. It fucking sucks, but you have to move on from it or you’re never going to live your life. That right there, it’s the worst thing you can do. Caden doesn’t want you to give up. Jack wouldn’t have wanted me to, or Tommy, or Axel. Everyone that was there that night, or the ones standing behind Caden now, we can’t give up because that’s a slap in their face. You have the ability to race and do it fucking better than 90 percent of the people on the goddamn planet. Don’t waste that feeling sorry for yourself.”
And then he left. It was probably the most sophisticated thing I’d heard come from his mouth, but I also didn’t absorb it. Had he said it when I was sober, maybe. Shitty timing on his part.
Hours later, I was still at the bar, arguing with Rosa about what whiskey was made where.
“Jameson is Irish whiskey. It’s not made in Mexico,” I told her for the fourth time, flipping the coaster in my hand over and over again.
She stared at me and then ripped the coaster from my hand. “Regardless of where’s he’s made, Jameson is an asshole.”
“A hot asshole,” someone added. I glanced up from my whiskey and to the blonde standing in front of me. Olivia.
Rosa glared at Olivia. “He’s married,” and then she frowned at me, “and not looking for an open relationship. I tried already.”
Olivia held up her hands. “I’m just having a drink.”
Rosa wasn’t buying it, and neither was I. This chick smelled trouble in any relationship and she came running. “Uh-huh. And I reserve the right to refuse service.”
“Rosa,” I groaned. “Just give her a goddamn drink. It’s not like I’m taking her home later.”
“That you know of,” Olivia teased.
I glared at her. “Knock it off.”
I tried to ignore her, I did, but she was relentless.
My hand tightened around the glass, my eyes darting around the bar.
Dark lashes fluttered, sipping on her drink. “Want company?”
“Nope.”
She exhaled. “Too bad.”
My body tensed, shoulders stiff. I hid my annoyance by taking another drink. “You were never very good at taking a hint, were you?”
Her eyes widened. “I’m going to pretend you said that because you’re drunk.”
“Oh, but I didn’t.” My heart pounded at the way she was looking at me. It was my body’s way of saying “wake the fuck up and move away from her.”
She stared at me for several seconds and shook her head. “
Where’s your wife?”
I watched Olivia’s face, assessing her intentions and knowing they weren’t pure. “Why don’t you just tell me what you want.”
“You.” She gave me a half-smile. “But something tells me that’s not on the table tonight.”
“It’s never been, and never will.”
“That’s a shame.” She leaned in closer, inches from my face and leaned away. “Let me buy you a beer.”
I let her. Not sure why, but I did, with no intention of it going anywhere.
She bit her lip. “Can you give me a ride home? My girlfriends left me here.”
Sighing, I reached for my keys on the bar and my phone. The one with a hundred missed calls from my wife. “That’s what an Uber is for.”
I left the bar, but I didn’t go home. I sat in my truck for hours, trying to untangle my head.
Servomotor – Class of motors that operates within a closed-loop system with respect to both position and velocity.
The day of my surgery came and went. Everything went smoothly. Not a single complication. I was in the hospital for about three days, and then free to go home. While Rager was there for the surgery and supportive, the day I came home from the hospital, he left to head to the shop and never came home that night.
On a day when I needed him the most, he disappeared.
I thought about the time my mom was going through this and the night Rager should up for me.
I needed some fresh air, and intended on finding my dad but I went walking instead.
Every time a doctor walked by, fear pricked my skin at what could go wrong.
As I wandered through the hospital, I found an empty corner and leaned against the wall. When I sat against that wall, it hit me. It was sudden, like a wrecking ball to my gut, a reminder of neglect and so many things unsaid between me and my mother. I was going to change that. She needed to know everything about me. I never realized, until then, that I needed her more than I ever thought.
