by Rob Loveless
“Nah, it’s cool,” Andrew replied as he tucked his own still-erect penis back into his underwear.
The two men lay side-by-side on their backs—still shirtless and pantless—as they caught their breath. Then, Cal leaned over and placed his lips upon Andrew’s. They continued to make out for a while longer until Andrew decided it was time to leave, and Cal drove him home. He was mortified that he had become flaccid in front of Andrew. Cal liked him a lot, but he wasn’t prepared to go that far.
Despite Cal’s embarrassment over the situation, Andrew didn’t seem to mind. The two continued to text more than they had in the past and even made plans for the following week. To get in the Halloween spirit, they decided to go to a haunted house and even held hands the entire time—which seemed promising since Andrew claimed he was not into public displays of affection. Per usual, the night ended at Cal’s apartment where they cuddled on Cal’s bed since Andrew was exhausted.
“I could just lie here forever,” Andrew muttered, and he gave Cal a peck on the lips.
It all seemed too good to be true. Over a month ago, Cal had been crushed by Andrew’s silence. But now, here they were on his bed; who would’ve ever thought? Andrew’s words made Cal’s heart skip a beat and, for a moment, he believed maybe he and Andrew could actually be together. I could just lie here forever.
It was a nice sentiment, but unfortunately they were empty words. A week and a half later, Cal had to leave the state to interview for a business management position with a prestigious company. He had interned with the organization over the two previous summers, so the interview was a formality.
As an intern, Cal was excited at the prospect of working for the business and becoming a permanent part of the team. But now, as he was halfway through his final college semester and his romance with Andrew appeared to be back on track, he didn’t know what he wanted after graduation. However, Cal made the mistake of telling Andrew about the interview, which seemed to have gone well.
He seemed somewhat quiet the next couple of days. Then, Cal awoke one morning to a text Andrew had sent him around midnight.
Hey so I’ve been lying in bed thinking about you. I just wanted to let you know that if it seems like I’m backing off, you didn’t do anything wrong. I like you but you mite be leaving the state after you graduate and I don’t want to get too attached.
As soon as Cal finished reading the message, he responded. He tried to tell Andrew that nothing was certain yet. Cal hadn’t been offered the job—though he feared he would—and graduation was still two months away; a lot could happen in that time.
Andrew agreed. However, he never responded when Cal suggested they hang out later that week. Once again, a familiar silence smothered what Cal had hoped to be a budding romance. And this time, it seemed permanent.
Chapter Five
The morning after the disastrous family dinner, Cal awoke groggily with a dull headache. As he rubbed his dry eyes he recalled a most peculiar dream, which still haunted him as he roused himself. A familiar pair of brown eyes had crept back into his life, and their owner was intent on breaking Cal’s heart once again. In his dream, the seductive heartbreaker infiltrated the foundation Cal had rebuilt over the past few years by romancing Claire and winning over his parents. Like a disease, the handsome menace had attacked Cal from within until his heart, body, and sanity crumbled from despair.
Cal grew alert as he heard the squeak of the shower knob turning in the bathroom adjacent to his room. He had been unaware of the sound of running water, but now that the faucet was off, the resulting silence was deafening. Still disoriented from last night’s whiskey, Cal glanced around and realized he was not in his apartment, but the guest room of his parents’ house, and the events of the past twenty-four hours raced through his mind, adding to his pain. Dinner, the snowstorm, Andrew. It had not just been a peculiar dream; Cal was trapped in a nightmare.
Soft voices murmured in the kitchen below as the bitter aroma of coffee wafted upstairs. Cal’s slight headache began to throb as he sat up in bed, and his stomach lurched, although he was not sure if that was caused by his emotional distress or mild hangover. After several minutes of debating, Cal determined he was more hungry than nauseous and decided to go downstairs to grab a cup of coffee and a light breakfast.
He eased himself out of bed and rubbed his forehead, hoping to comfort his headache. He readjusted the elastic waistband of the loose-fitting lounge pants—which had been sagging below his waist—and then exited the guestroom. He could make out the voices of Claire and their parents as he stepped into the upstairs hallway. Then the bathroom door opened and Andrew stood in front of Cal.
His skin was shiny and damp, and only a soft, tan towel was wrapped around his waist. The wind was knocked out of Cal as he gazed upon his former lover’s semi-nude body. When was the last time he had seen this much of Andrew? The night they made love?
Cal had been so shocked by Andrew’s arrival the night prior that he had not taken the time to observe the changes in his ex. Andrew’s dark hair—now damp and clinging to his forehead—had not changed. His face, once smooth and clean-shaven, now sported a light patch of facial hair on his chin and upper lip. Still, he maintained the same youthful and carefree complexion as before. His once hairless body now had a small tuft of chest hair, and his torso appeared to be a bit softer than it had been three years ago. Although his appearance had changed, the resemblance to his former self was obvious. And there was no denying Cal’s longing for him.
“Uh, hey,” Andrew said and smiled weakly, unsure of what to say now that he and Cal were alone together for the first time in years.
Cal rolled his eyes and began to walk past Andrew.
“Cal, wait a minute,” Andrew pleaded. “I want to talk to you.”
“Oh, now you want to talk?” Cal hissed. “Three and a half fucking years later, and you want to talk now?”
“I get it—”
“Do you?” Cal interrupted. “Do you know how it feels to have spent four months—my last semester of college—wondering if I’d ever see you again, and making myself available to you whenever you were interested and then not hear anything from you after?”
“I know, it wasn’t fair for me—”
“No, it wasn’t fair. At all,” he snapped. “Do you know that for years I’ve wondered what we were? If you actually ever liked me or if I was just a convenience for you.”
“You’re right, it was really shitty of me—”
“And then, you came to my apartment and said we’d talk about us the next day. We had sex and then you left. Do you know what that felt like? Waking up the next morning and you were gone?”
“Cal, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Andrew said with a solemn expression, which was similar to the one he wore on the night when he had arrived without notice at Cal’s apartment. “I don’t know what I can say. I was young. I was scared.”
“You were scared!” Cal retorted. “You know, all I’m hearing is ‘Me, me, me, me, me.’ You were young; you were scared; you didn’t want to get too attached. What about me, Andrew? I was young. I was scared too. For Christ’s sake, I was the one moving out of state while wondering—”
“Exactly, you were moving!” Andrew countered. His usual carefree demeanor had been broken. “You were gonna be leaving. So can you really blame me?”
“Yeah, I was leaving,” Cal acknowledged with his voice trembling ever so slightly in a mixture of anger and anguish. “But if you had given me a reason—even if you had just said something—I would’ve stayed.”
Andrew opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, but instead sighed deeply and was at a loss for words.
“But instead, you kept your distance and only came around when you wanted to,” Cal spat. He was surprised by how strong his tone of voice was, despite feeling like an emotional wreck. “What? Did you just hit me up when you were bored and horny?”
“No! Cal, come on. I…I don’t know what to say,” Andrew admit
ted with a tinge of regret. “I don’t know what I can say to fix this.”
“There’s nothing you can say to fix this,” he retorted.
“Cal, you were never just a convenience.”
It had taken three and a half years, but Cal was finally receiving answers to the questions he had. Andrew had said exactly what he had hoped to hear for so long: he was never just a convenience. However, Andrew’s words meant nothing to Cal now, much to his surprise. His words provided no sense of relief or closure. Standing in front of Andrew left Cal feeling just as heartbroken as when he had woken up in bed alone on the day of his graduation.
“Even if I wasn’t, I still made it easy for you to walk out on. You were able to go on with your life, without any thoughts of me. I’m the one who still has feelings for you, who can’t move on after all these years,” Cal blurted out as his body grew rigid from embarrassment. He could not believe he had let that slip.
“You still have feelings for me?” Andrew inquired in a soft voice. Cal knew he had trapped himself in his confession. If he denied his statement, then he would be caught in a lie. But if he confirmed his feelings, then he would sound pathetic. Whatever he replied, he couldn’t win.
“I know. How fucked up is that?” Cal scoffed and rolled his eyes at his own foolishness.
“I’ve always thought about you,” Andrew admitted. “A lot.”
“Well, that doesn’t help me any,” Cal dismissed. His family continued chattering downstairs over breakfast, unaware of the awkward reconciliation of former lovers above them. “You’re with my sister now.”
“I swear, I had no idea she was your sister,” Andrew stated, raising his hands in defense.
“I figured,” Cal replied.
“And…I mean…she didn’t say anything about—”
“I never told them.”
“What do you mean?”
“I never told Claire or my parents about…about us.”
“Oh, okay,” Andrew replied. An uncomfortable silence settled between the two men, who avoided eye contact with each other. Cal shifted his attention from Andrew’s eyes to his chest where he noticed a few stray droplets of water dripping from his half-naked body, which had now dried somewhat.
“Yeah, well…” Cal mumbled as he began to walk away down the hall.
“Wait,” he said as Cal reached the top of the staircase.
“Yeah?” he replied, glancing back at Andrew over his shoulder.
“I know you never told your family,” he began, “but, um…can we keep it that way?”
“What?” Cal asked—though he knew what Andrew had meant—and turned around to face him.
“Can we keep us to ourselves?” Andrew asked. “I don’t want Claire to know.”
“Wow, you haven’t changed at all,” Cal chuckled in disbelief. “You’re still only concerned about yourself.”
“Come on, Cal. This is a weird situation we’re in.”
“Andrew, are you done in the shower?” Claire called before she appeared at the foot of the stairs. “Oh, Cal, you’re finally up.”
“Yeah, I was exhausted,” he stated.
“I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” she said as she glanced between the two men with a bemused expression on her face.
Andrew shot Cal a nervous expression, and his eyes begged for silence.
“No,” Cal replied after a moment’s hesitation, “you’re not interrupting anything.”
“We were just talking,” Andrew added.
“About growing a pair,” Cal snickered under his breath.
“All right, well glad you guys are getting to know each other,” Claire said, without having heard Cal. “We made breakfast, so come down and have something to eat.”
“We’ll be right there,” Cal replied. Once Claire was out of earshot, he turned back toward Andrew. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything.”
“Thank you,” Andrew sighed, appearing relieved.
“But I’m not doing this for you,” he replied in a cool tone as he walked away. Cal strode downstairs to join his family for breakfast, leaving Andrew behind in the hallway.
Cal greeted his parents as he entered the toasty kitchen and helped himself to a warmed, plain bagel, absent of any sort of butter or spread, which was all his stomach could handle. As Cal chowed down on his breakfast, he gazed out the window. The snowstorm had continued throughout the night and covered his hometown in a cozy blanket of cool white powder. The roads appeared to have been plowed earlier that morning, however they were still slick and covered with fresh snow as relentless flurries fell from the cloudy sky. Cal wouldn’t be returning to his apartment anytime soon.
As he was finishing his bagel, Andrew entered the kitchen and the two avoided eye contact with each other as he was welcomed by the Adamses. Cal scarfed down the rest of his bagel and then hurried upstairs to the guest room, eager to spend as little time as possible around his ex. He wanted to lay low until the roads improved so he could escape from the awkwardness enveloping his parents’ home. However, he knew he could not hide out in the guest room until the winter storm broke, so he decided he would shower.
He welcomed the therapeutic warmth of the hot water as it rained from the showerhead and trickled down his chilled flesh. The heat provided a sense of comfort and ease despite Cal’s troubling circumstances. After several minutes, steam began to accumulate in the bathroom and with it came a familiar scent, which stung his nostrils—Andrew. He realized Andrew had left his shampoo and body wash in the shower. For a moment, standing under the steamy water and smelling his ex’s scent, Cal felt as if he was being embraced by Andrew once more.
His reverie was broken as a sudden fit of laughter resounded from downstairs. No doubt Andrew had probably said something humorous, much to his family’s delight. Cal was somewhat frustrated that they were fawning over his former flame, though he knew he was being irrational. He had kept silent about Andrew for years, so how could he blame his parents for not recognizing his displeasure? And he certainly could understand why Claire had fallen for her boyfriend. As average as Andrew may have been, something about his touch and demeanor proved to be intoxicating.
Once he finished washing himself, Cal got out of the shower and changed into his father’s clothes—baggy worn jeans and a shapeless concert tee from the late eighties. Cal sighed as he peered into the bathroom mirror and critiqued his appearance. He resembled his former teenaged self, wearing loose-fitting clothes and feeling insecure. The only thing worse than facing Andrew was to face Andrew like that. Despite his embarrassment, Cal forced himself to rejoin his family downstairs.
Prior to the winter storm, Mr. and Mrs. Adams had planned on getting their Christmas tree from the local tree farm. However, since they were now snowed in, Mrs. Adams decided to clean and put out her holiday décor instead, and she recruited the rest of the family—and Andrew—to assist with decorating.
The snow outside continued to fall as the company adorned the cozy home with various Christmas trinkets, and they took a brief break for lunch. Cal and Andrew avoided each other whenever possible but cast awkward glances on occasion. As the afternoon progressed, Cal slipped into the hallway to assist his mother with stringing garland on the banister of the stairs.
“So…what do you think of Andrew?” his mother asked eventually, out of earshot of the others.
“What do you think of Andrew?” Cal questioned without removing his attention from a strand of lights, which he was in the process of wrapping around the garland.
“I like him a lot,” she responded. “He seems like a great guy.”
“Yeah, he seems fine.”
“That sounded sincere,” his mother stated and chuckled a little. “You don’t like him?”
“No, Mom. I do like him,” Cal said; he wasn’t lying. “Like I said, he seems fine.”
“Then what’s with the tone?”
“I just don’t feel well, that’s all. I think I’m coming down with something.”
“Oh, do you still have a headache?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“The medicine didn’t help? It didn’t get any better?”
“Nope, the headache feels a lot worse,” Cal replied.
“Well, hopefully it’s just the weather. The snow is supposed to let up tonight.”
Great, guess I’m gonna be stuck here another night, Cal thought.
Despite the forecast, the snow continued to fall into the early evening and showed no signs of letting up anytime soon. Cal was forced to stay overnight at his parents’ house once again, much to his dismay. He turned in for the night early, desperate to escape from Andrew and his unsuspecting family. However, Cal struggled to fall asleep as he replayed his brief fling with Andrew over and over in his head. The endless thoughts of his ex resulted in a cruel dream of the two of them getting back together, feeling young, naïve, and in love. However, in the chill of the next morning, he was reminded that it was not so. The snow had finally eased up sometime during the night. However, the roads were still messy, so Mr. and Mrs. Adams convinced Cal to stay until the plows were able to clear up the streets. Cal was emotionally exhausted and had no energy left to be in the presence of Andrew, so he grabbed a book from the study and retreated back to the guest room.
Around five, his parents determined the roads were suitable to drive on. Cal grabbed what little belongings he had brought with him—unaware on Friday night that he would be trapped with his ex all weekend—and hurried to leave, much to his parents’ disappointment.
“Honey, can’t you stay for dinner?” his mother inquired as Cal grabbed his coat from the hall closet.
“I really can’t, Mom,” Cal replied and gave her a quick hug. “I’ve got a lot of stuff to get done before tomorrow.”
“All right,” she sighed.
“Well, we’ll see you soon,” Claire said as she gave her brother a warm hug goodbye.
“You will?” Cal asked with a puzzled expression.
“Christmas,” Claire replied with a giggle.
“Oh, that’s right.”
