by Rob Loveless
“Haven’t you noticed how you’ve been carrying yourself lately? You’re not the same scared twenty-one-year-old you were back then.”
Sophie was right; Cal was in a much better state of mind, compared to when he had been involved with Andrew and the accompanying heartache that ensued upon graduation. Though he had often thought about his crush over the years and felt melancholic when reflecting on the time they had spent together, Cal had noticed his confidence returning, which he attributed to Sophie’s company and his better-than-ever physique. Still, all he could do was nod in agreement.
“Come on, admit it! You’re hot,” she said with a smirk. “Now, maybe you can’t be with Andrew, but show him what he missed out on. It’s his turn to regret the past.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Cal admitted with a chuckle.
“Of course I am,” Sophie replied. “Now, finish eating, and then get to work. I’ll cover for you.”
“Thanks,” he said as Sophie left him to his meal.
Cal sat in his silent office and finished his breakfast sandwich while he reflected on Sophie’s encouraging remarks. Though what she said might have been true, it inspired little hope in Cal. How could he be hopeful for a positive outcome when the man who had haunted his heart for years reappeared in his life without warning?
Cal’s headache continued to throb as an inevitable hangover began to settle over him. Fortunately, his greasy meal helped to ease his nausea. When Cal was done eating, he rubbed the growing lump on his head and then began his work for the day.
That Monday seemed to drag on for Cal, as he attempted to push thoughts of Andrew out of his mind so he could focus on his job. As the morning passed , his headache began to dissipate, although the painful bump on the back of his head remained and ached. By early afternoon, Cal’s lack of sleep caused his eyelids to grow heavy. He struggled to stay awake as he filed various paperwork and responded to work-related emails. The rest of the afternoon was a blur, yet he was miraculously able to stay conscious. Around five, Sophie strolled into Cal’s office and offered him a ride home, which he accepted with gratitude since he did not wish to walk home in the frigid weather.
As soon as Cal arrived at his apartment, he plopped onto his bed. Though his hangover had subsided hours ago, he was worn and off-kilter. The prospect that Andrew and Claire were a couple had shaken him to the core, and Cal’s excessive drinking over the past few days did not help to relieve his emotional tension either.
I need to get my shit together. He couldn’t let his yearning for Andrew destroy him, not again. Weary and emotional, Cal drifted into a deep slumber, which his body desperately needed.
Despite not setting his alarm, before passing out the night before, Cal still awoke at his usual time that morning. His body—though sore from his vigorous, drunken workout and fall—felt refreshed, and his mind was somewhat at ease, thanks to a much-needed good night’s sleep. Cal rose out of bed—still dressed in the previous day’s work clothes—and began his morning routine. After about forty-five minutes, he was prepared for the day ahead.
Cal attempted to feel optimistic about his current situation with Andrew as he stepped out of his apartment and into the bitter December chill. He crossed the slushy parking lot and retrieved his car keys from his coat pocket once he reached his beat-up car. Cal stepped into his aged vehicle and started up the engine before a muffled pop resonated from under the hood which was followed by dark wisps of smoke.
“Shit,” Cal swore as he yanked the keys out of the ignition. He jumped out of his car and lifted its hood, releasing a thick cloud of smoke. Cal was no mechanical expert, but nevertheless scanned under the hood for telltale indications of malfunction; he assumed the hissing sound coming from the engine and the putrid scent of burned oil were not good signs. Cal retrieved his phone and called a nearby mechanic, who listed a handful of possible problems which could be responsible for his car troubles. Based upon the vehicle’s maladies, the mechanic deemed it unsuitable for driving and instructed Cal to have the vehicle towed over to the shop, so he could conduct a proper inspection of the engine.
Cal dialed the number for a local towing company and then called Sophie, asking for a ride to work. As he waited in the blistery weather, Cal eyed his car sourly and cursed his bad luck until Sophie arrived to keep him company while they waited for the tow truck. After an additional twenty minutes or so, the truck pulled into the parking lot. A heavyset, middle-aged man with graying, untidied scruff climbed out from behind the driver’s seat and approached Cal. He took his personal information and had Cal complete some forms before turning toward the still-smoking vehicle.
“Ha, this thing has seen better days,” the truck driver chuckled as he prepped Cal’s car for towing. “I doubt it’ll be worth repairing.”
“Gee, thanks,” Cal retorted with his arms folded.
Once his vehicle had been towed, he settled himself into Sophie’s car, and she drove them to work. She could sense Cal’s tension and let him fume in silence. When they arrived at the gym, he sulked away to his office and slammed the door behind him, and then remained locked up with the door closed throughout the entire morning. Around early afternoon, Sophie decided she needed to check on her friend.
“Hey,” she greeted as she peeked her head into the office. Cal was seated at his desk, with his back facing Sophie. “How’s it going?”
“Fan-fucking-tastic,” he replied, while remaining fixated on his computer.
“Oh,” Sophie stated softly as she stepped in and then closed the door behind her. “Did you hear back from the mechanic?”
“Yep. He called about two hours ago.”
“Um, what did he—”
“It’s not worth repairing,” Cal informed her. “I’ve been searching for cars online, but I’m not finding anything.”
“Have you tried looking at—”
“Goddamn it!” Cal swore, which caused Sophie to jump. He slammed his mouse upon the desk and shoved his monitor away from himself in disgust. “Everything online is a piece of shit, or way out of my price range. This is just ridiculous!”
“Cal.”
“Goddamn piece of shit car dying on me.”
“Cal.”
“Fucking mechanic probably doesn’t even know what he’s talking about.”
“Cal!” she exclaimed. He fell silent and Sophie gazed at her disheveled friend with a worried expression on her face. “Cal, breathe. Take a deep breath. We’ll figure this out.”
Cal pinched the bridge of his nose as he attempted to calm himself. “I’m sorry. I know it’s only a car, and it can be replaced. But now, with everything going on…” he trailed off as his voice grew shaky. “It’s just really bad timing; that’s all.”
“It’ll be okay,” Sophie reassured him as she strode around the desk and gave Cal a tight hug. “This will all be okay. I’ll drive you to work this week, and then we can shop for cars this weekend.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I know, but I want to. It’ll be fun, and we can make a day out of it.”
“You sure?” Cal asked, not wanting to be a burden.
“Of course I’m sure! Besides, it’ll help take my mind off the fact that my parents are going on a cruise for Christmas without me.”
“What?!”
“I know!” Sophie stated. “They’re leaving Friday, and won’t be back till after New Year’s Eve.”
“What are you going to do for the holidays?” he wondered. “Are you gonna try to stay with Rich’s family?”
“I don’t know. His family doesn’t do anything for Christmas,” she said.
“Well, you know you’re always welcome to come to my parents’ house. We’re having my mom’s side of the family over this year.”
“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind,” Sophie replied. “I’ve got a client coming in for a training session in a few, but we can work out the car shopping details later.”
“Okay, sounds good,” Cal said. �
��Hey, Sophie?”
“Yeah?” she replied, standing at his office door.
“Thanks,” he smiled.
“You don’t need to thank me,” Sophie replied, returning his smile. “You know I’ll always be here for you.”
Chapter Seven
The rest of the dismal work week passed by and was otherwise uneventful. Though his job had provided a slight distraction from Andrew, Cal welcomed the upcoming weekend. He and Sophie had made plans to go car shopping that Saturday, which helped alleviate Cal’s near-constant stress. Due to his car’s untimely demise, he had to rely on a rental vehicle, and he was eager to drive a set of wheels belonging to him again.
Cal tidied up his desk and snuck out of the office early since he had finished everything he needed to accomplish that week. He hurried to his rental vehicle—a classy, silver car which was a year old—and glanced at its clock once he had started the engine: 5:20 p.m.
I’ve got plenty of time to get ready for tonight, he determined.
Cal had been talking with someone online for a couple of weeks, and the two had made plans to meet for dinner at seven that night. The guy appeared handsome in his pictures and seemed normal, yet Cal was not anticipating the date. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he had felt excitement at the prospect of going out with someone other than Andrew. Cal sighed and then drove out of the parking garage.
He got caught in some traffic on his commute home and arrived at his apartment just after a quarter to six. He traipsed into his bedroom, stripped out of his business casual attire, down to his briefs, and then sifted through his dresser as he searched for something to wear, not that he really cared since this date probably wouldn’t lead to anything worthwhile. After several moments, he retrieved a pair of stylish, ripped jeans and a red-and-gray, three-quarter-sleeve Henley shirt and got dressed. Afterward, he shuffled over to the bathroom mirror, assessed his appearance, and then applied a few subtle spritzes of cologne.
Cal took one last glance at the mirror and had to admit he didn’t look half bad. Cal appreciated his own features, though he rarely acknowledged that for fear of being regarded as conceited. However, despite his positive perception of his appearance that night, he was uncomfortable. Cal would have preferred to be dressed in a pair of sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt and enjoy a quiet evening at home by himself. He had no desire to go on this date, but it was too short notice to cancel. So, Cal mustered what little positivity and excitement he had and departed for his date.
The two had arranged to meet at a local sports bar and grill, and Cal pulled up to the location right on time. As he walked to the entrance, he spotted his date standing outside the front door. He looked exactly like he had online, which was a pleasant surprise; nothing was worse than going on a date with someone who did not resemble their pictures. As Cal approached the restaurant, he caught his date’s eye.
“Hi,” Cal greeted with a warm smile before he extended his hand. “I’m Cal. Nice to finally meet you.”
“Hi. I’m Jacob,” his date replied as he shook Cal’s hand. “Nice to meet you too.”
Even though Cal had been talking to Jacob online for a couple of weeks and knew his name, he still liked to introduce himself on the first date to make things seem a little more personal instead of going out with a stranger from a dating app.
He and Jacob made small talk as they entered the restaurant, and were soon seated at a cozy booth. After their waitress took their drink order, Cal eyed Jacob from across the table. He sported a fashionable undercut, with his tawny hair parted neatly to the side. His light-blue eyes conveyed genuine expression with strong facial features and a clean-shaven chin. His overall dapper appearance was complemented by a slender, yet muscular physique similar to Cal’s, though Jacob may have been a half a size larger. He was definitely attractive, and yet Cal felt nothing.
Cal’s heart did not skip a beat, he didn’t stumble over his words, and no butterflies fluttered in his stomach. There was simply no attraction there. And why was that? Why could Cal not feel anything for the handsome man sitting across from him, yet he could fall so carelessly for Andrew, who was so average and unavailable? Cal attempted to suppress his dark musings and returned his attention to his date. Maybe he just needed to get to know Jacob better, and then he would feel something.
Cal found it easy to converse with the young man, who was quite amiable. Jacob was two years older than Cal, a successful banking manager, and family oriented. The two discovered they shared many similar interests and continued to chat with ease throughout dinner. As they finished their meals, Cal experienced a tinge of guilt. The date was going well, and he enjoyed Jacob’s company, but he only felt a platonic connection; he was unsure if he could feel anything more. However, the charming smile Jacob gave Cal insinuated that he may have begun to develop feelings—feelings that Cal may not be able to reciprocate.
When the waitress arrived with the check, Cal reached for his wallet, but Jacob snatched the bill off the table. Cal offered to pay for dinner and drinks, or even split it, but Jacob objected and insisted on covering it, much to Cal’s annoyance since he hated when his dates paid for him—especially when Cal only had lukewarm feelings. Nevertheless, Cal thanked Jacob in an attempt to appreciate his kindness.
After the check had been paid, the two grabbed their coats and left the restaurant. They continued their conversation as they crossed the semideserted parking lot, and Jacob pulled out his phone to check the time.
“You know,” he began as he pocketed his phone, “it’s only a little after nine, if you wanted to grab a drink or go to a movie or something.”
“Oh, I wish I could,” Cal lied, “but I have to get up early tomorrow to shop for cars with my friend.”
“Oh, are you thinking of getting a new car?” Jacob asked.
“Yeah, I have to. Mine died on me this week, and I’ve been stuck with a rental,” he explained.
“Aw, I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It was a long time coming, I guess. It just happened at a really inconvenient time.”
“Well, good luck tomorrow,” Jacob said as he walked with Cal to the rental vehicle.
“Thanks,” he replied with a grin as he approached the driver’s side of the car.
“I had a lot of fun tonight,” Jacob stated before taking a step closer to Cal.
“Me too,” he said as he grabbed the car keys out of his pocket. “I’m glad we did this.”
As Cal was about to unlock the door, he sensed Jacob moving closer. The two men gazed into each other’s eyes, and Jacob gave him the look before he tilted his head.
Oh shit, Cal thought as he prepared himself for the kiss. He didn’t want to lead Jacob on, but he also did not want to pull away and hurt him. Maybe Cal didn’t want to pull away for another reason; maybe he hoped this kiss would induce some type of romantic feeling within him.
He tilted his own head and closed his eyes once their lips connected. Jacob gave him a soft and tender kiss, with his mouth slightly open. The very subtle stubble of an otherwise smooth face scratched Cal’s chin as he continued to press his lips against Jacob’s. This lasted for a moment longer before the two broke away mutually.
“I’ll text you tomorrow,” Jacob offered with a flirtatious smile.
“Sounds good,” Cal replied. “Have a good night.”
“Thanks! You too!” he waved before he crossed the parking lot to his own car.
Cal settled himself inside his rental car as an increased feeling of guilt came over him. Jacob seemed like a great guy; he was handsome, he had a great personality, and he was looking for a relationship. He and Cal had a lot in common, and the kiss was great. Still, Cal felt nothing. Had Andrew damaged Cal so deeply he could never feel the excitement of a first date again? Or was Cal not allowing himself to fall for someone other than Andrew? These thoughts weighed upon Cal as he drove home and later haunted his dreams.
The next morning, Cal awoke around eight and promptly got out of b
ed since Sophie had planned on meeting at his place around ten to go car shopping. Cal ate a light breakfast, showered, and readied himself for the day ahead. Once Sophie arrived, Cal drove them in the rental vehicle across town to check out the first car shop on their list.
They eyed the lot’s used inventory, but Cal was somewhat disappointed by the selection. While the cars were in his price range, most of them were very used and not much of an improvement from his prior vehicle. Cal strolled down the aisles and attempted to avoid making eye contact with any of the salespeople, since he had no intention of purchasing any of the cars on display.
When Cal’s cell phone started to vibrate in his pocket, he instinctively reached to retrieve it. He frowned when he received a text from Jacob, saying that he had such a great time at dinner and wanted to get together again.
“Is everything okay?” Sophie asked when she saw Cal’s grim expression. “Who is it?”
“Jacob,” he said as he pocketed his phone without replying.
“Is that the guy you’ve been talking to online?”
“Yep. We went out to dinner last night,” Cal informed her.
“How did it go?”
“He’s funny and nice and successful,” he said. “And he’s really hot.”
“Oh, that’s great!” Sophie exclaimed.
“And I think he likes me,” Cal added.
“Then, why the face?” she wondered while they inspected a beige car with a dented bumper. “What did his text say?”
“He said he had a lot of fun last night, and he wants to hang out again soon,” he sighed.
“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
“You would think so, right?”
“You don’t like him,” Sophie said, rather than asked.
“I don’t know,” he confessed. “Probably not. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Cal, nothing is wrong with you. You can’t expect to like every single guy you go out with.”
“I know, but I never expected to not like any of the guys I’ve gone out with,” Cal replied in frustration. “It’s like I haven’t had feelings for anyone since—”
