Yes, sir, Agnes deserved to have ringside seats when the shit hit the fan.
***
Jack and his officers removed the plastic tape at eleven o’clock and the gate was opened by cutting a bright red ribbon across two poles that supported the Cadillac City Park sign. People poured in and children took off for the playground equipment. Old folks set up lawn chairs with coolers beside them. Those who didn’t eat chili might want a bologna sandwich for lunch. No one wanted to miss the fun or the visiting.
The day was beautiful. The sun was bright. The television meteorologist had promised high eighties on the thermometer. A few fluffy white clouds floated around but not a single dark rain cloud threatened the day.
Patrice started fidgeting when, five minutes after the public was allowed in the park, they still didn’t have a single customer. She stepped outside the tent and looked around. “No one is buying from any of the vendors. Why would they line up, fight over parking spaces and walk from three blocks away, and not buy?”
Violet walked past and stuck her nose up in the air, went straight to Lenny’s Chili Kings’ tent, and bought the first bowl of chili sold that morning. She carried it right past the Red-Hot Bloomers and told Patrice, “It will give me great pleasure to announce that Lenny has won this afternoon. His chili, as always, is flawless.”
Patrice turned around to face her six team members. “I’d forgotten that she gets to announce who wins.”
“Well, ain’t that nice,” Agnes said.
Patrice jumped. “You aren’t supposed to sneak up on me like that, Miz Agnes.”
“I didn’t sneak up on nobody. I come to buy chili. I want it with corn chips, onions, and mustard squirted over the top. And I heard that y’all are givin’ away ice cream with yours. Nice touch.” Agnes pulled five dollars from her pocket and laid it on the table. “How much did you bring?”
“Of what?” Patrice asked.
“Chili. Lenny’s got three big cookers full. I done got the count on all of the vendors. They all got three cookers but the Bank’s tent right straight across over there. They’ve got four. So how many did y’all bring?”
“Four,” Gigi said. “Should we have brought more?”
“Four is good. Lenny might sell out before you but don’t get excited if he does. You’re going to make more for the cause because you got more to sell.”
Josie fixed Agnes a Frito chili pie in a bowl with a spoon stuck in the middle, refilled her tea glass, and handed her an ice cream cup, all on a sturdy plastic tray with a napkin and wooden spoon for her ice cream on the side.
“Now that’s service. Y’all are doin’ a knockout job. You’d think you’d been at this for years. Hell, next year I might put in a site just to pester Violet. I could get Cathy and the girls and Jack to help me,” Agnes said. “Get ready for a rush here in about ten minutes.”
A few people stopped by to speak to Agnes and, just like she said, in ten minutes not only did the Red-Hot Bloomers have a rush, the line reached ten yards out into the park. In thirty minutes the first cooker was half gone and all seven of the team worked furiously.
Patrice took the money.
Alma Grace put an ice cream cup, napkin, and wooden spoon on each tray.
Gigi scooped ice.
Sugar poured sweet tea.
Tansy kept the table restocked with chips and the mustard bottle filled.
Josie refilled onion and relish bowls.
Carlene dipped chili.
At noon they’d emptied the first cooker and were working on the second. Another batch had been poured up and was heating. Gigi stirred it often to keep it from sticking and filled cups with ice in her spare time.
There was a lull at a few minutes past one. Patrice swiped the sweat from her forehead with a paper towel and took stock of the remaining supplies. They were working on the third cooker of chili and the last one was heating. They’d sent Kim for the last batch of ice cream to put in the freezer. It looked like maybe they’d gauged things just about right. Half the napkins were gone and they were down to a little less than half the chips. Josie had chopped way more onions than they needed and they’d have enough mustard to last through the next hundred years.
The next round hit before she had time to sit down, and at two thirty, they were completely sold out.
“Now what?” she asked.
“Now, according to your father, who had a team for years, when you sell out, you take your money to any one of the judges so he can mark your paper that you’ve had a sell-out. Then you are free to tear down your serving table, clean up your site, pull a picnic table out to the park, and relax until judging is done,” Tansy said.
***
Alma Grace kept a close eye on the crowd but she didn’t see Macy or Bridget. She’d seen the signs but patience was not one of her better virtues. Still if God gave her the signs, she trusted Him to produce the results.
She helped box up the leftover plastic items and paper goods. Carlene and Patrice took the empty containers and the cookers to the van and the whole place was tidied up without even a wadded-up paper towel on the grass. Gigi and Tansy folded up the table they’d used to serve from and the three mamas carried a picnic table down to where Agnes was sitting under the shade of a big pecan tree.
“I see you are cleaned up, so I’ll collect the money,” Isaac said.
“Patrice has it.” Alma Grace kicked off her shoes and buried her feet in the cool green grass. She was wiggling her toes and thinking about how good it felt and almost missed Bridget when she stormed past Agnes and stepped on her toes.
“Hey, watch where you are going,” Agnes yelled after her.
Bridget didn’t even turn around, much less apologize like a southern lady should.
“Shhh,” Alma Grace whispered to Agnes. “The show is about to begin and you don’t want to hold her up. She’s the star.”
Agnes’s eyes twinkled. “I knew you was the one to tell. I just knew it.”
Bridget marched right inside the Chili Kings’ tent, poked Lenny in the chest, and started ranting. “So you’re off screwing with Macy while I’m at home babysitting your mother.”
“What are you talking about? Have you been drinking?” Lenny asked.
Bridget yelled to the top of her lungs, “I am sober as a judge with my eyes wide open. Damn you, Lenny Lovelle. Granny told me if I could steal you away from your wife then someone could take you away from me, but would I listen, oh, no! Well, we are done and I don’t ever want to hear from you again.”
She put both hands on his chest and pushed with all her might, sending him backward into the team’s preparation table. His team members caught the table before it spilled everything onto the ground but a few napkins fluttered away on the breeze. Folks who’d been oblivious to the argument turned to see where the golden napkins were coming from.
“Well, shit,” Agnes said. “I could pitch a better fit than that and I’m over eighty. Girls these days just don’t have much spunk.”
Bridget picked up a plastic bowl and hurled it at him.
He caught it like a Frisbee and said, “Go home, Bridget. We’ll talk later. You are making a fool out of yourself.”
“Fool! You are calling me a fool? What about you, getting caught in a hotel with Macy when I’m babysitting Kitty, who you say is feeble and losing her mind.”
“I am what?” Kitty yelled from ten feet away. She left Violet’s side and the people parted like the Red Sea, giving her room to plow her way through the crowd to the Chili Kings’ tent.
Lenny tried to soothe Kitty before she ever made it to the tent. “Mama, she’s lying. She’s heard some false gossip. And y’all need to get on out of here because you’ll cause us to get disqualified. Only the team members can be behind the table.”
“I paid for this freakin’ tent and everything in it so I will damn sure come inside it if I want to. So I’m feeble and losing my mind? Is that right, Bridget?” Kitty asked.
“Yes, ma’am. He said
he had to work late but look at this.” She flipped her phone around for Kitty to see. “Date, time, and place where he and Macy were in the Hampton hotel while you and I were going to a club meeting. He coerced me into staying with you. Hell, I even begged him to let me stay since he made you out to be totally helpless after that fight with Tansy.”
“Now it’s getting better,” Agnes said.
“Holy shit!” Carlene whispered. “He’s done the same thing to me a dozen times. Not with his mother but manipulated me into believing he had to work late. I wonder if he keeps a room at the hotel.”
“Shhh,” Agnes said. “It’s fixin’ to get better.”
Alma Grace pointed at Macy making a beeline for the tent.
“You hussy! How did you get that picture? Floy is mad at me and says I can’t even sing in the church choir and that I’ll never be an angel in the Easter program again. My mama is throwing a fit because Violet is liable to kick her out of the jalapeño club.” She slapped Bridget across the face.
Bridget screamed as she drew back her fist and landed a good right hook to Macy’s eye. “It wasn’t me and if you hadn’t been there, you wouldn’t be in trouble.”
Lenny got between them and flying fists from both women landed a few blows on his torso but not a one reached his face. Not until Kitty picked up a gallon jug of tea and coldcocked him up beside the head.
“Losing my mind, am I? Well, you can damn well take care of yourself from now on, Lenny,” she said.
He instinctively put out both hands when he fell forward and one brushed the last cooker of chili right off into the grass. Two of his buddies were quick enough to grab him before he hit the ground and dragged him to the backside of the tent where they stretched him out on the ground.
The three women looked more than a little bit lost to Alma Grace now that Lenny was laid out like a corpse. Then Kitty threw up both hands and wailed, “My baby, my poor, poor baby boy. Look what you two bitches have caused. If he’s dead, I’m going to kill both of you before they take me to jail.” She tied into them slapping and hitting until they ran outside the tent.
Macy slipped and fell ass over sparkly jeans in the green grass. When Bridget started around her, she got tangled up in Macy’s feet and fell forward landing right on top of Macy. When she came to a stop and sat up, Bridget realized she had the advantage, took a deep breath, and drew back to hit Macy again but Jack’s big fist closed around her hand.
“I’d say we’ve had enough excitement, ladies. Y’all want to walk out of here on your own or do I need to get out the cuffs?”
“What did Bridget have on that phone, anyway?” Gigi asked.
“It’s a dirty picture of Macy and Lenny at the Hampton.” Agnes pulled her phone out of her pocket and held it up. “I got it about ten minutes ago. God bless technology. Gossip has risen to a whole new level.”
Bridget stormed out by going between the Chili Kings’ tent and the one next to it. Macy left the way she arrived. Straight out through the gate.
“Best damn cook-off we’ve had in years,” Agnes declared.
“Could have been better if one of those girls had hit Kitty with a jug of tea,” Tansy said.
“Maybe next year, darlin’.” Agnes patted her hand.
“Or if Kitty had killed Lenny,” Gigi said. “Look, that son of a bitch is already sitting up with a bag of ice on his cheek and Kitty is kissing him on the forehead.”
“Now that ain’t never goin’ to happen. He’s stuck with her for life. You don’t know how lucky you are, Carlene,” Agnes said.
“Yes, I do.” Carlene laughed. “Win, lose, or draw, I’m the luckiest woman in the park today.”
Alma Grace touched her arm.
“I don’t know how you stayed with him as long as you did. He’s a real son of a bitch and that’s not a cuss word; it’s an honest statement,” Alma Grace said.
Carlene raised one perfectly arched eyebrow. “I told you earlier, you are forgiven. It’s okay so don’t you dare start praying.”
“I realize that it’s all a bigger plan than I could foresee. If you hadn’t left Lenny, then Rick wouldn’t have brought the divorce papers and I wouldn’t have met him. We wouldn’t have entered the chili cook-off and the mamas wouldn’t have moved into the house making us move in with Patrice, which gave me the courage to move away from Mama’s place. We’ve all grown closer, mamas, daughters, and friends because you left and besides he’s a rotten bastard.”
“That he is not. His mama and daddy were married,” Carlene said. “And to think it was all over little red bikini under-britches.”
“Amazin’, ain’t it?”
***
At four o’clock sharp, Violet took the stand behind the microphone in the center of the park. Her gold fingernail with a brand-new rhinestone at the tip sparkled in the sun as she tapped the microphone a few times to get everyone’s attention.
“If you will all quiet down, the judges’ scores are in. First of all, let’s give a big round of applause to the six judges who helped us today,” Violet said.
The clapping went on for fifteen seconds before she tapped the microphone again. “And another round for all the wonderful contestants, the folks who came out and supported our fund raiser for the Cadillac Volunteer Fire Department, and the fire department itself for all the good it does.”
She only let that last ten seconds before she hit the microphone with an ink pen. “And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Third place goes to the Money-Maker Team sponsored by the Cadillac Bank. Congratulations. And at this time I’d like to announce that this year we brought in almost twice as much as we did last year.”
Agnes cupped her hands over her mouth and yelled, “That’s because there was a women’s team. Next year it’ll be even better.”
“Amen, and they had the best chili in the whole park,” another elderly woman hollered.
Violet tipped her head up so high that all three of her chins showed. She gave everyone time to get through applauding and opened the second envelope. “Second place goes to the Fire Engine Team, which is run by the fire department. Congratulations.”
She held up the third envelope and waved it in the air. “And now the moment we have truly waited on. First place…” She opened it and didn’t even look down. “…for the sixth year in a row goes to…” She held it up, saw the name, and turned scarlet. “I’m sorry. First place goes to the Red-Hot Bloomers Team for their first win. If one of the team members will come forward for your trophy…”
Alma Grace had never seen seven women move so fast. Six pair of high heels grew wings and flew and Josie’s shoes sparkled the whole way to the center of the park. Cameras flashed as they all gathered round and let Carlene hold the trophy high in the air.
“Daddy, we won!” Alma Grace screamed.
“I see that, baby girl. I’m so proud of all of you,” Jamie said.
“I’ll see y’all at the party at seven and bring that trophy with you,” Agnes called out.
“Yes, ma’am,” Alma Grace said.
***
Hank hugged Carlene tightly. “You did it. Does it feel good?”
“Yes, Daddy, it does. Winning always feels good when you work as hard as we did but I was a winner before Violet even said our name. I’ve got family, friends, and a happy life ahead of me.”
“I heard that Lenny called you a loser,” Hank said. “Want me to do what his mama couldn’t?”
“No.” Carlene laughed. “I want to forget all about him and the past and jump into the future like diving into the deep end of the swimmin’ pool.”
Gigi came over and made it a three-way hug. “Did you see Lenny? He was already coming across the park to get the trophy when Violet realized she should have looked at the paper in her hands instead of assuming.”
“No, I was looking at Agnes. Her expression was priceless. Let’s get ready for the party,” Carlene said.
***
Alex picked Tansy up and spun around wit
h her until they were both dizzy. “I think I’m happier than any of you. I sure thought Lenny had it in the bag even after that fiasco in his tent. But it was funny the way that Violet screwed up. We won, darlin’! Next year…”
Tansy put a finger over his lips. “There might be a Red-Hot Bloomers next year but I won’t be a part of it. Only red-hot bloomers I’ll have is the ones I wear to the bedroom for you,” she whispered.
“Well, I sure like that,” Alex said.
***
Jamie hugged Sugar close to his side. “You going to save that sexy shirt for next year?”
“Not me. I’m so sick of chili I may never eat it again. I’m not sure God could talk me into even letting anyone make it in my kitchen, that’s how tired I am of this whole thing. I’m glad we won and now I’m ready to go home, take a long bath, and get the party over with. Next week, I’m more than ready to get my world back into its normal routine.”
Alma Grace walked up to them, holding a young police officer’s hand. “Mama and Daddy, I want y’all to meet Rick Kelly. Rick, this is my daddy, Jamie Magee, and my mama, Sugar Magee.”
Rick kissed Sugar’s fingertips and stuck out his hand to Jamie. “Right pleased to meet you both. Alma Grace talks about y’all all the time.”
“He’s coming to Mother’s Day dinner, Mama,” Alma Grace said.
“We’ll be glad to have you, Rick.” Sugar smiled. “Looks like you are about to go on duty.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’m going to steal your daughter for a Coke and then I’ll be on the night shift. It was right nice meeting y’all.”
When they were out of hearing distance, Jamie leaned over and whispered out of the side of his mouth, “Forget normal, darlin’. From the looks on their faces, I’d say we’re in for a busy year that could involve wedding cake.”
***
Hank leaned on the fender of his truck and purposely waited on Jack to walk past.
“Hank?” Jack tipped his hat.
“A word, Jack,” Hank said.
“Yes, sir?”
“Are you interested in my daughter?” he asked bluntly.
The Red-Hot Chili Cook-Off Page 28
