by Maz Evans
‘Gee, thanks,’ said Elliot unenthusiastically.
Odysseus smiled and looked closely at Elliot.
‘I recognize a fellow reluctant hero,’ he said. ‘All I ever wanted was my home.’
‘Me too,’ said Elliot softly.
Odysseus opened a drawer in his desk.
‘Take this,’ he said, pulling out a small metal disc and handing it to Elliot.
‘Wow – thanks!’ said Elliot, turning it over in his hands. It was a silver compass, exquisitely engraved on the outside with waves and on the inside with the four points of the compass: N, S, E and W.
‘This will help you find your way,’ said Odysseus. ‘I hope you get home soon.’
‘How much is it?’ asked Elliot cautiously, turning the compass over in his hands.
Odysseus laughed. ‘This is a gift, my friend. I know how hard it can be for the wandering hero. That’s why I’m only charging you two obals if you want a carrier bag.’
‘Appreciate it,’ smiled Elliot, putting the compass in his pocket. It immediately fell through the hole. He picked it up sheepishly and was grateful Athene wasn’t there to see that he’d neither fixed, nor washed, those trousers.
‘Right – we’d best be on our way to the airport,’ said Zeus, rising to shake Odysseus’s hand and bumping his head on the low ceiling. ‘Thanks, old bean.’
‘Before we go, can I use your lavatory, please?’ said Virgo. ‘Or is that going to cost money too?’
‘You crazy!’ laughed Odysseus, slapping the desk so hard it bent. ‘At Don’tcAIR, you don’t have to spend a penny to spend a penny!’
‘Phew, that’s a relief !’ sighed Virgo.
‘But if you need toilet paper, it’ll be one obal a sheet,’ said Odysseus. ‘This isn’t a charity, y’know.’
10. Your Daemon Needs You
There were few things Thanatos enjoyed more than a stroll through the fiery wastelands of Tartarus. The tortured souls, the screams of anguish, the scent of despair – it was truly one of his favourite places.
But today he was here on business. His first appointment had gone exceptionally well – better than he’d dared hope. A thin smile twisted his lips. Now for phase two.
He arrived at the foot of a scorching valley. On one side, Asteria and her forty-eight sisters were trying to fill their almighty bronze urn, using only their hands and the water from the pool below. In the centre of the pool was Tantalus, hungrily eyeing the luscious fruit that hung just out of his reach. And on the other, Sisyphus was trying to push his boulder up the hill.
‘Greetings friends!’ Thanatos called. ‘How are you this fine day?’
‘Today thuckth!’ shouted Sisyphus from his hill. ‘Every thingle day ith thuckier than the latht – no thankth to THOME people!’
‘Oh, thop your thulking,’ came a new voice from beneath a nearby rock. ‘Thuck it up, thunshine.’
‘Salmoneus? Is that you?’ smiled Thanatos. ‘I hadn’t spotted you there.’
‘It thertainly ith,’ said Salmoneus, looking anxiously at the rock that eternally teetered above his head as if it were about to fall. ‘Thorry about my thtupid thibling. Thithyphuth alwayth wath a thimpering little thithy . . . whoa!’
At his slightest movement, the rock wobbled precariously, forcing Salmoneus into absolute stillness.
‘Thilenth Thalmoneuth!’ cried Sisyphus. ‘It’th thankth to you that I’m thtuck in thith thoulleth thtink-hole!’
‘That’th thuch a thlander!’ Salmoneus cried back. ‘You tried to thlaughter me!’
‘At leatht I’m here for thomething theriouth!’ laughed Sisyphus. ‘You were thent for imperthonating Zeuth! How thilly is that!’
‘Now be nice, boys,’ drawled Thanatos. ‘Trust me, I know how irksome brothers can be. But siblings should stick together. Isn’t that right, ladies?’
‘Oh, sure,’ scoffed Asteria. ‘“You must all kill your husband on your wedding night,” Dad said. We all stuck together – now we’re all stuck here . . .’
‘Quite right,’ snarled Tantalus from his pool. ‘Children should obey their parents. You let one of your sisters disobey your father. Serves you right.’
‘Serves us right!’ shrieked Asteria. ‘You cooked your own son for a banquet! That didn’t serve him right! That served him with chips!’
‘Calm yourself, Asteria,’ said Thanatos. ‘I am here to make you an offer.’
‘Unless it’s for an industrial hosepipe and some hand cream, I’m not interested!’
‘Shame,’ said Thanatos. ‘I always had you down as more of a “the urn is half-full” kind of a girl . . .’
‘Don’t lithen to him!’ shouted Sisyphus. ‘He’th a thlippery thnake . . .’
‘You thound abthurd,’ said Salmoneus. ‘Lithen to what the man hath to thay.’
‘Thank you, Salmoneus,’ said Thanatos. ‘My friends – you were placed here by the Gods for your crimes on Earth. You have all proven that you are murderous, untrustworthy, deceitful and evil.’
‘Tho what?’ snarled Sisyphus.
‘So, I want you to come and work for me.’
‘Oh, wow, thanks,’ said Tantalus. ‘Great offer, boss – let me think it over. Hmmm – holiday, sick pay, pension scheme . . . Oh, yes, that’s right – just a shame we’re all SENTENCED TO STAY HERE FOR ETERNITY, YOU MORON!’
‘Maybe. Maybe not,’ said Thanatos. ‘War is coming. It is time the Gods paid for their treatment of us all. I have experienced the pain of unjust captivity. I have suffered the centuries of solitude. I have felt the rage of the righteous. Join me and I will free you from this place. Tantalus – for years you have been denied food and drink. Imagine how it will feel to feast on the sweet taste of freedom!’
‘I’d rather have a kebab, if it’s all the same to you,’ said Tantalus, reaching for the fruit, which immediately swayed out of his reach.
‘Daughters of Danaus!’ Thanatos roared. ‘Don’t you want justice? For hundreds of years you have toiled fruitlessly, working endlessly on a thankless task because of what a man told you to do!’
‘We know,’ snapped Asteria. ‘We might as well have stayed married.’
‘And Sisyphus,’ pleaded the Daemon of Death. ‘My old friend Sisyphus. Don’t you want peace from your back-breaking toils? Don’t you want to rest your weary limbs? Don’t you want to ease your bodily pains?’
‘Then I’ll get a mathage!’ shouted Sisyphus. ‘I wouldn’t trutht you ath far ath I could thpit you!’
‘Put a thock in it!’ Salmoneus shouted. ‘Count me in, Thantatoth! Where do I thign?’
‘Excellent,’ drawled Thanatos. ‘Then I appoint you the first general in my army!’
Thanatos’s voice echoed around the silent valley.
‘Sorry to be a pedant – what army would that be?’ sneered Tantalus. ‘All your Daemons are locked away.’
‘Patience, my friend,’ said Thanatos. ‘My troops will be here shortly.’
‘Well, in that case, why not?’ said Tantalus. ‘It’s not like I have anything more to lose.’
‘Delighted to have you on board,’ said Thanatos. ‘Ladies?’
‘Whatever,’ said Asteria, scooping water from the pool and trudging back up the hill. ‘Can’t be any worse than sharing a bedroom with forty-eight sisters. When I find out who took my favourite earrings . . .’
‘A wise decision,’ nodded Thanatos. ‘Come on, Sisyphus. You don’t want to be left out, do you? I’m going to rule the world. Surely you’d like to join the winning team?’
‘Pah! I’ll believe that when I thee it,’ scoffed Sisyphus, returning to his rock. ‘You’re a trickthter and a thcammer and a thcemer and I wouldn’t thide with you if you were the latht thoul on the fathe of the Earth!’
‘I’ll put you down as a maybe,’ said Thanatos. ‘Good luck with that.’
‘Er, ith that it?’ said Sisyphus.
‘What more is there to say?’ said Thanatos. ‘And for the record, I’d like to apologize for my .
. . interference with your task. It was childish and petty.’
‘Yeah right!’ scoffed Sisyphus. ‘I wathn’t born yethterday . . .’
‘I mean it,’ said Thanatos. ‘I am truly sorry.’
‘You’re theriouthly not going to thtop me rolling my boulder?’
‘Absolutely,’ said Thanatos.
‘No trickth?’
‘Never.’
‘No thilly thennaniganth?’
‘I swear it on the Styx! I will never touch your boulder again.’
Sisyphus paused for a moment. ‘Then I acthept your apology. Let uth theparate ath friendth.’
‘That’s all I ever wanted,’ said Thanatos, putting his long fingers over his heart. ‘Because I know what’s coming. And when it does, trust me. No one will want to be my enemy.’
11. Don’tcAIR
‘We have begun our descent into the Island of the Cyclopes. Please ensure you have all your belongings before disembarking the aircraft. Thank you for choosing Don’tcAIR: you cut prices, we cut corners.’
‘Well, that was highly sub-optimal,’ groaned Virgo as she attempted to free her knees from the seat in front of her. As something of an expert in air travel, she had never been forced to travel with only enough belongings to last her until lunchtime, nor flown to her destination via six different stops. Oh, to have her star-ball – Constellation – powers returned. And they would be. Soon.
‘Get me off this bally contraption!’ shouted Zeus from further down the plane. Despite the flight being virtually empty, their group had been dotted all around the aircraft, after Zeus refused to pay the seventy-four obals per person to sit together. ‘And for the last time, I do not want to buy an infernal scratch card!’
Virgo looked at Elliot in the opposite row. He had been unusually quiet on this journey. And yet this didn’t please her. Elliot being quiet meant one of two things: he was harbouring a secret, or he had in fact ‘dropped one’.
For the purposes of the journey, Virgo understood why Hypnos had dissembled into a Satyr to avoid suspicion. She just wished he hadn’t chosen such a large Satyr, as he was squashed in the seat next to her.
‘No one’s watching,’ she whispered. ‘Perhaps you could lose a few pounds?’
‘I beg your pardon?’ he said. ‘How dare you!’
‘Highly amusing,’ said Virgo. ‘But seriously, your thighs have been encroaching upon my personal space for the entire flight. It’s like sharing a seat with two sacks of hairy jelly!’
‘Why you horrible little . . .’
Virgo felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to see Hypnos sitting in the row behind, with a hat hiding his feathered head.
‘Hiya, superstar!’ he trilled.
Virgo turned back to the irate Satyr to her right. She experienced a burning sensation similar to the time she had realized that wearing headphones did not stop passers-by from hearing your singing.
‘Er, safe travels!’ she smiled, hurriedly slipping into the row behind to sit next to the Daemon of Sleep.
‘Told you we should have sailed,’ smirked Hypnos.
‘You heard Zeus,’ said Virgo. ‘He has forbidden travel by water.’
‘And you always do as you’re told?’
‘Don’t you?’ said Virgo, wrinkling her nose.
Hypnos smiled. ‘Never.’
‘Why not?’ Virgo asked. This was highly irrational.
‘Listen, toots,’ said Hypnos, reclining the centimetre his seat would allow. ‘When the centaur dung hits the hurricane – and you can bet your starry socks that it will – there is only one thing I can rely on.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Number one,’ grinned Hypnos.
Virgo paused to consider this. ‘I don’t understand. How is passing urine going to help?’
The Daemon rolled his eyes.
‘Me, darling,’ he said, ‘along with myself and I. We’re the only people I trust. So why would I listen to anyone else?’
‘Because there are people who know better than you. People who know what’s best for you.’
‘Oh, yeah? So who’s looking out for you?’
‘Many people,’ said Virgo, stiffening. ‘There’s . . . the Council . . .’
‘You think they care about you!’ laughed Hypnos. ‘They suspended you! They could give back your kardia and your life in Elysium right now if they wanted to. So ask yourself – why don’t they want you?’
‘Well,’ said Virgo, refusing to answer such a ridiculous suggestion. Especially given the uncomfortable sensation in her stomach. ‘I have the Gods.’
‘Ha!’ squealed Hypnos. ‘Those doddery old deities? They just want the Chaos Stones. If they get them, you won’t see them for dusty drachma, mark my words.’
‘Elliot!’ said Virgo at considerable volume. ‘I have Elliot!’
‘And if he cures his mother, do you really think they’ll want you hanging around?’ whispered the Daemon. ‘None of my business, but I’d start seriously considering your options. At the end of the day, who really cares about you – except you?’
Virgo had a quite brilliant argument against all of Hypnos’s points. It was just evading her presently.
‘Excuse me, Galatea,’ drawled Zeus as the plane bumped down on to the runway, his mood improved significantly by the attractiveness of the air stewardess before him. ‘What time does this tin can leave for home?’
‘I’m sorry, sir – I don’t understand,’ smiled Galatea.
‘How you’re so beautiful?’ Zeus flirted. ‘Me neither. But I need to know our return flight time so I can book dinner tonight. Where shall we go?’
‘I’m afraid that won’t be possible.’ Galatea smiled again. Virgo started to become concerned that the stewardess’s face was in fact unable to move.
‘Urgh – boyfriend?’ muttered Zeus.
‘Not any more,’ chirped Galatea. ‘My boyfriend Acis was killed by a jealous Polyphemus dropping a boulder on him.’
‘That’s awful!’ cried Virgo.
‘Oh, it was OK,’ Galatea said cheerfully. ‘I turned him into a river spirit so we could share immortality. Didn’t work out though. I found him a bit of a drip. So I left the heating on and he evaporated.’
‘Beautiful story,’ laughed Hypnos.
‘But as for your return flight, I’m afraid that Don’tcAIR no longer offers the route back to England.’
‘Since when?’ roared Zeus.
‘Since about forty-five minutes ago.’
‘But how are we supposed to get home?’ cried Zeus, thrusting a ticket in Galatea’s face.
The air stewardess examined the ticket, then looked up, her face quite unchanged.
‘I’m afraid you have only been issued with a one-way ticket,’ said Galatea. ‘I suggest you refer to the full terms and conditions on our website. They are eight obals each.’
‘Wait till I get my hands on that cheapskate Odysseus!’ thundered Zeus.
‘I’m going to have to ask you to move along now, sir, as you are blocking an exit aisle,’ smiled Galatea, turning her white teeth away.
‘Um, excuse me – where do we collect our luggage?’ Virgo asked politely. Her suitcase was stuffed with essential items, including Zeus’s thunderbolts, Hermes’s iGod and all the other things they’d not been allowed to take into the cabin because they hadn’t paid to have more than five personal belongings within ten metres. All Virgo was carrying was her small handbag, which was entirely insufficient for their journey.
‘May I see your luggage receipts?’ said Galatea.
‘Receipts?’ said Virgo. ‘But we had the express check-in. I saw the bags thrown into the plane myself.’
‘Ah,’ said Galatea. ‘But did you pay the surcharge to guarantee they went on the plane you were travelling on?’
‘No, we bally well did not!’ shouted Zeus. ‘We were all skint from paying rent in the waiting room! We need that luggage, it’s got all my thunder . . . underpants in.’
‘I’m afraid I
am unable to help you,’ smiled Galatea.
‘So, our luggage could be on any plane, anywhere in the world?’ said Virgo. ‘But we were told that Don’tcAIR promises that all luggage will arrive safely.’
‘Absolutely,’ beamed Galatea. ‘We just don’t promise where. Now, if you’d kindly disembark . . .’
Virgo couldn’t believe it. All of their possessions were gone, including any means of communicating with the Goddesses back home. She walked down the steps on to the lush green grass of the Island of the Cyclopes. It was a very pleasing scene – rolling green meadows with wild flowers bringing splashes of colour like fireworks to the verdant pastures. The question was, how were they going to leave it again?
‘This is absurd!’ she said to Elliot. ‘Now we can’t change our clothes, bathe or clean our teeth!’
‘So what?’ he said.
The boy was revolting.
‘Well, this is a bally rum deal!’ glowered Zeus. ‘I’m going to throttle that . . . But first, the Water Stone. I’ll go to Polyphemus and sort that out. You all find a way off this island.’
‘Just a thought, boss,’ said Hypnos. ‘You appear to be a couple of thunderbolts short. We’re on the Island of the Cyclopes. Who make thunderbolts. Hashtag – just saying . . .’
‘Yes, well . . . I suppose that might work,’ mumbled Zeus. ‘Then if Polyphemus won’t play ball, I’ll bally well blast him until he does.’
‘Excellent!’ squealed Hypnos. ‘Except for one teeny tiny problem.’
‘What’s that?’ huffed Zeus.
‘Polyphemus won’t talk to you,’ said Hypnos. ‘Like I said. He’s a little . . . paranoid.’
‘We’ll soon see about that!’ grumbled Zeus. ‘He’d better talk to me, or I’ll give him something to be paranoid about . . .’
‘Juicy Zeusy, this is your picnic and the sandwiches are divine,’ sang Hypnos, throwing his arm around the King of the Gods. ‘I have a plan B. All you need to do is follow my lead. Not that we’ll need to, of course. You have this under control, natch.’
