by S. L. Finlay
“Good.” He told me, “come in just before nine and I’ll get you set up on your desk.”
“Wonderful.” I said, standing up and offering him my hand to shake. William shook my hand and gave me a glowing smile.
Then he showed me out of his office. When I was in my car, looking down at my phone to check the time, I could see it was 8.45AM. Less than an hour ago, I was walking into his office feeling nervous and unsure of myself. Now I had a job as William’s PA and I was feeling pretty damn good about myself.
CHAPTER FIVE
After a weekend spent with Joel mostly between the sheets - although we did emerge occasionally to eat before finding our way back to bed - I was up fresh and early on Monday morning, smiling broadly at Joel as we both got ready together for my first day at work and his regular work day.
Of course, I was up much earlier than I needed to be, because Joel being a tradie worked long days which started earlier than mine ever did, but I didn’t want to not share this first day at my new job with him, so I got up and got ready by his side.
“Do I look okay?” I asked as I spun around in my ‘first day at work’ outfit and he headed for the door, dressed in his high visibility work gear with heavy duty work boots on his feet. The contrast made me smile, but didn’t make me smile as widely as he made me smile when he was obviously checked me out in my work clothes.
“You look hot!” He told me honestly after giving me a good long, slow up-a-d down look.
I shot in a naughty wink before telling him honestly, “you don’t look too bad yourself!” and leaning in to give him a long, hot goodbye kiss. I could tell from his not moving away that he didn’t mind too much that he was going to be late as here was his woman and he would have her if he wanted to, but I had to pull away. I couldn’t in good conscience keep kissing him when I knew he had to be at work. If Joel was late, his team couldn’t do much until he was there and although I was sure he could pull off a lie about traffic or whatever - mostly because I was sure his work mates wouldn’t care about being held up - I didn’t want to put him in that position.
I pulled away from Joel’s kisses and pushed him towards the door.
“You have to go to work!” I told him, giggling. Unable to stop those giggles from leaving my mouth even as I desperately didn’t want them. He just shook his head at me, as if I was being silly, and of course he didn’t have to go to work. I was staying strong though, and insisting he went to work as he normally would, no matter how hot and bothered he was by me all dressed up to be a sexatary (his word!). In the end though, he left for work only a little later than he should have, and I was grateful for that. One hottie out of the house on his way to work, and I would need to get myself out of the house and to go work with my other hottie soon.
When it was time to go to work, I retraced my steps from the day I interviewed and tried to push all thoughts of Joel from my mind. I couldn’t work this distracted, but I knew I would have someone altogether mores distracting right there, and he would be telling me what to do, which would be even hotter and harder to ignore than any thoughts of the other man in my life could be.
As I pulled into the parking spot and got out of the car I took a few deep breaths and walked to the side door with the buzzer. I pushed the buzzer and - as I was sure he was already expecting me - William appeared to let me in the door. He seemed happy to see me and smiled widely. I returned his smile and went to give him a kiss hello but he held up his hand.
“Not here, Mel.” He said, “I am sorry, but we have to keep it professional now.”
I nodded, understanding fully and not at all offended, but William was apologetic still as if I had been deeply offended and shown it. He told me he was sorry, but he didn’t want to leave himself open from claims of favoritism, it was bad enough in some people’s eyes to hire someone you already knew, and, as William said with an eye roll, office politics can be awful.
William helped me get settled in to my desk before anyone else arrived, and helped me log into the system, then he explained his expectations of a PA and told me the current PA would help me getting to know how those expectations can be fulfilled and what the job actually consists of. I wanted to laugh, that William didn’t know what this job consisted of, but then I remembered how he never had to do any shit kicking jobs to get by. He studied, then he worked. There was no point where he worked multiple jobs to get by. Another symptom of class. Something I should be taking advantage of, if only it wasn’t for the constant cuts to scholarships and rising university fees.
Pushing all thoughts of inequality aside, I settled into the job easy enough with the help of the other PA and by the end of my first three-day week, I thought I had at least the understanding of what to do and how to do my job well down. This even though it was all a bit of a mess when it came down to fitting all the things I had to do into an eight-hour work day. When I thought of how much experience the other PA had and that I was supposed to be here to help her, I realized that this job was nowhere near as easy as she often made it look. Making something difficult look easy takes a whole lot of skill.
After one week, I wanted William worse than I had wanted him previous to working together. After two weeks, I found it both difficult coming in to work because I was so tempted by him. But that sword had a double-edge. I both didn’t want to see him because it was hard to act normal when he was around and was dying to be in the same room as him because he was so damn hot and I was so keen to see him!
I would flint between those two feelings, often in the space of several minutes.
The other PA told me I was picking up the job faster than she had expected, and wanted to know when I would be able to be a full time PA. When I told her I was only here to help out and to make a little extra money while I studied, she seemed genuinely disappointed. A part of me was really happy about that, that I was valued enough for someone else to feel disappointed when I couldn’t help out.
By half way through the third week, I had struck a deal with myself. I was seeing Joel, and although I was having dreams about the two men pleasing me at the same time fairly regularly now - mostly sexual ones, but sometimes less sexual where they would be doing other non-sexy things to make me happy - I knew this desire for two men would have to go unfulfilled. I knew it would never be socially acceptable, even if the boys were okay with it and with what I knew about them both, I knew they wouldn’t be down for it either.
I would remind myself about how I couldn’t have him - couldn’t have them both at the same time - multiple times a day.
But, logical thinking isn’t the best way to ditch a desire so deeply held that it plays out in your dreams.
CHAPTER SIX
One Friday night when Joel and I were too exhausted to go out, we ordered some Chinese food for the two of us and were half way through dishing up when one of his friends from work called Joel’s phone.
I finished dishing the food onto plates and when I was putting it on the table, Joel came into the room smiling at me. I knew that smile.
“What’s up?” I asked, knowing he was just about to ask me for something.
“Nothing.” He said, his attempt at an innocent face giving him away.
“I don’t believe your answer. I don’t believe your nothing. What’s going on?” I pressed.
Joel motioned for me to sit down and I did so, reaching for the wine and pouring some into my glass. He sat down across from me with his beer and took a long moment before he actually spoke.
“One of the boys wants us to go over there for a beer.” He finally told me, “its his sister’s birthday and her boyfriend just dumped her.”
“So?” I asked, feeling crabby after a long week with nothing in my tummy.
“So, we should go. For an hour.” He told me, the last sentence said as almost an after thought.
“For an hour?” I repeated grumpily between shoveling food into my mouth.
“Yes, for an hour. If we make an appearance, it will make her happy.
” He told me.
“Which friend?” I asked, and Joel told me. Not by telling me the guys name, but by describing the first and only time I had met the friend. It was only a work friend, I assessed, because I was sure I hadn’t heard any stories about this guy from work before. If he and Joel had been close, I would have heard stories about them drinking at the pub, or something funny they did on the weekend.
“Why do you want to go? Do you know this sister well?” I asked, knowing the answer yet feeling like I should go through the process of asking anyway.
Joel looked uncomfortable, like a little boy getting into trouble with a parent. It made me feel guilty, but I wasn’t going to let that guilt be the deciding factor on what I should do with my night.
“I know her okay. We went to school together, and the ex boyfriend is an old friend of mine.” He told me. Then, when he told me the name of the friend, I remembered hearing about him in the past. I had heard about him quite a lot actually.
“So, you want to go because you know the ex and you feel guilty?” I asked.
“Not exactly.” He said, not looking at me.
A beat. Two.
“Are you spying on her?” I asked, “for your friend, the ex boyfriend?”
“You make it sound worse than it is.” He told me and I laughed. Yeah, he was spying, and yeah, it was just as bad as it sounded, even if he didn’t want me to think so.
Through my laughter I managed, “so, you want to report back to make the friend of yours feel less bad about the break up?” I asked.
“And because it’s the right thing -” He begun, but I cut him off, holding up a hand.
“-I don’t care.” I told him, “I am happy to go if there is a reason, but, not for more than an hour.” I said before adding, “maybe two.”
That boy who had been so disappointed he looked like someone had stolen his cake transformed into a happy young man who was thanking me, and asking me if I could drive so he could drink. I looked down at my wine and nodded my assent. Sure, whatever, I thought. If it made him happy to check on a girl for a friend, and it made the girl happy to have people there for her birthday, I was fine with that.
It’s not like I was doing anything else anyway, and what could possibly go wrong I thought.
By the time we arrived at the party, the thing was in full swing. Far from a small sad affair like I had expected, this party had a heap of people present.
When we got there, Joel struggled to find the people he was looking for - his friends, the girl - but when he did finally find them, he said his hellos to the girl, saw she was okay, then wandered off to talk to a friend. I followed, not knowing what else to do with myself. The friend he was talking to was the girl’s brother who he worked with and the two of them were downing beers and talking about work and the people there for a bit before suddenly - as in, out of nowhere - the conversation flipped from being about work to being about girls.
One of the guys they worked with had recently outed himself as being a swinger with his wife and the boys were talking about what that must be like.
“Imagine your girl with someone else though!” Joel’s friend was saying, “no mate, not for me.”
“Why not?” Joel asked, “you get to do what you want too. Seems only fair.”
“Seems only fair? Seriously?” The friend asked, seeming genuinely shocked.
“Well, if I am sleeping with other girls, she should be able to sleep with other boys.” He said. And for the first time in the conversation, the friend turned to me and asked me a direct question.
“You’re not doing that, are you? With him?” He asked, pointing a thumb at Joel.
I shook my head quickly and vigorously, as if a serious, and fast, denial needed to happen. “No, not at all.” I said.
“But, if she wanted to -” Joel began, making a point of shrugging.
“You guys are sick!” The friend said before standing up and motioning towards the toilet. While he was in the toilet, I took my chances and asked Joel a question that had been brewing inside me, but which I hadn’t felt comfortable asking - and which I had essentially answered on his behalf more than a thousand times without even approaching the question.
“Were you serious then?” I asked.
“Pardon?” He asked.
I took a breath and asked, hoping I would be able to get the question answered before his work mate got back. “If I wanted to be with another man, that would be okay?” I asked.
Joel thought for a second, “yeah, sure.” He finally said.
“Just for sex though?” I asked.
Joel made a face, “well, I wouldn’t like it. But if you wanted to-” He began, but conscious of the time we had until the friend reappeared I cut him off.
“-but you wouldn’t have a problem if I did?” I asked.
“No way.” He said.
“What about if I wanted to date another guy, date you both at the same time?” I asked.
Joel looked confused before he asked me, “you want to break up with me?”
“No.” I said quickly, reflexively, before I could say anything else, “not at all. I was just wondering if I could date you and someone else, and have it not be an issue?” I asked.
“Is there someone you have an eye on?” Joel asked after a long pause, but before I had a chance to answer, his work mate was back, reassuming his seat and opening a fresh beer.
“Now, where were we?” He asked in a way that told me he had no idea about the odd sort of tension that existed in the room now which hadn’t before he had left.
When we got home after being at the party for two hours - something which was so unsurprising I didn’t even comment on it to be cheeky about how he said it wouldn’t be long at all - the first question on Joel’s lips when we walked through the door of his house was, “who is the other guy?”
He seemed more confused than hurt, and as a result I was taken aback a little. It took me a moment before I could tell him, “it’s a guy I have known for a while. Nothing has happened, but, I think about it sometimes.”
“It’s your boss, isn’t it?” Joel asked without emotion, and too quickly for my liking.
I stared at him for a long moment before finally asking, “how did you know?”
“The way you always talk about him. The way you look when his name is mentioned.” He told me, his voice a little accusatory.
“I wasn’t going to do it.” I said, turning away from him to take off my shoes as we had just walked in the door.
Joel’s shoes were still on, but he wasn’t making a move to remove them. “You wanted to date him, not to just fuck him.” He told me.
“I don’t know what I want.” I said after removing my shoes and standing up. I started walking in the direction of the kitchen, “do you want a coffee?”
“No.” Joel told me flatly, now making a move to remove his own shoes. He followed a few moments later, when I was in the kitchen preparing my coffee he was beside me. “If you want to, you can. I mean, as long as you’re not going to dump me.”
I stared at him for a long moment. It felt too easy.
“You are okay with me dating someone else?” I asked.
“Yes.” He told me.
I thought for a long moment, taking a deep breath through my nose before asking, “And kissing someone else?”
“Yes.” He told me.
I nodded and looked him in the eye as I asked, “And having sex with someone else?”
“Yes.” He told me. He had been too stoic through my questioning, but I had another question for him which I thought might solicit a different response.
“And sleeping in their bed, cuddling them?” I asked him, feeling sure I must be pushing it.
To this question, Joel showed some discomfort before finally answering, “I would learn to be okay with it.”
“Are you going to sleep with other people, date other people?” I asked.
“No.” He told me.
I considered his answer f
or a second before I asked, “Kiss other people?”
Joel made a face and a ‘so-so’ hand gesture before telling me, “Well, maybe a drunken kiss or two, but that’s it.”
I laughed.
“What?” Joel asked, sounding a bit offended by my laughter.
“Nothing, I just. I feel happy.” I told him honestly.
“You feel happy?” He asked.
“Yeah. I do.” I told him, “I am happy that I can pursue this, because I never thought I would be able to.”
“Why didn’t you think you would be able to?” Joel asked, “I wouldn’t want to hold you back over anything you really wanted.”
“I just, didn’t think it would be okay.” I told him honestly.
“Well, it is okay. With this one guy, for now.” Joel told me. His voice told me he was being honest. I wanted so badly to kiss him in that moment, but there were other things I needed to know too, so I didn’t. I just kept asking my questions.
“When will it stop being okay?” I asked him, “will it be okay with others at some later date?”
Joel thought for a while as I poured out the hot water into my coffee cup which already had instant coffee in it.
“I don’t know.” He told me honestly.
“Why is it okay with this guy?” I asked, my inquisitive mind firing up.
“I don’t know. I guess, maybe, because you have known him a long time. And he’s old.” Joel told me.
“Why would that be okay?” I asked. “Why would that make it okay?”
“It’s fine because I know you’re not replacing me. I know he can’t replace me. He is older than I am, different to me. Your relationship with him is different to your relationship with me. If he was my age, I think it wouldn’t be okay.
I was shocked by how okay with all of this Joel was, and by the fact he had such ready answers for me without much emotional mining going on.
“Have you done this before?” I asked, “dated a girl who has dated a couple of guys?”
Joel shook his head, “no. I have thought about it though.” He told me.
