by S. L. Finlay
“Yes. It’s the least I can do.” Joel told me before looking around the room as if he hadn’t realized where he was before, and was only realizing where he was for the first time right as he looked around at his surroundings.
Before I had a chance to say anything else, Joel was on his feet, walking towards the door. I couldn’t believe he was doing this. Coming over to apologize then just walking right out. I watched as he reached the door, put his hand on the door knob and pulled. Then I stood up and walked over to him.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I have to go.” He told me, and I walked over to him as he opened the door and walked out. He was already half way to his car before I reached the door. Standing at the spot where he had just been standing, with my hand on the door knob, I stared after him as he walked out, disbelieving. How could this be happening?
But it was happening. Joel was leaving me for a second time. As the thought struck me, I crumpled over in half and let out a wail that he didn’t hear, because he was already gone.
For the days preceding Joel coming to my house, I was a mess. It was like he had been there just long enough to open every old wound I had. I had a little voice inside my head - a cruel, nasty little voice - that was telling me how Joel had only done that to be cruel to me. He had only shown up here after my date to cause hurt. I tried to dismiss that part of my brain, but to no avail. My mind kept playing tricks on me, making Joel into the devil incarnate, someone who was just out there to torture me, when he was probably just as sore and sorry for himself as I was. Or was he?
Seeing Joel like that had been dramatic and had had its lasting effects on me it seemed. But seeing Joel like that hadn’t prepared me for what would happen when I saw William for the first time since the break up.
Although William kept things civil at work, there was still a big part of him that I could tell didn’t want to. I was his hire and it was already suspect to other people in the workplace that he was hiring friends, even though they all did it. He didn’t need to make it worse by treating me like I was perhaps a little more than just his friend.
When I went back to work, I tried to act how I would any other day, but if anyone had been watching of course they would have seen there was something in it. They would have seen me fumbling with work, being generally awkward when William was around and losing my train of thought. They would have noticed that I couldn’t concentrate and was fidgeting often, something very different to my normal demeanor.
Thank god everyone at work was too self absorbed to notice my awkwardness, or to notice the impromptu meeting William pulled me in to his office for.
When I walked in he told me to close the door. Feeling nervous, I did so. Then he told me to sit down.
I hated that he was pulling all the boss stuff right now, right now when the last thing I wanted was to be reminded of my subordinate status.
I sat down on the other side of the desk from him and looked over. I tried not to smile, in spite of myself. I was feeling nervous, yet happy to see him. I would never have admitted it, but I was happy to be alone with him. I was feeling angry that he seemed to be pulling rank on me, reminding me of his status over me, but to be alone with him made up for that a little.
Facing one another he and I both went to talk at once. Then I stopped, motioned for him to go first.
William did not need to be told twice.
“I noticed that you have been less productive at work.” He told me, “I wanted to talk to you about that.”
There was a moment where I could say something, where obviously William wanted me to say something, but I didn’t take it. I just kept looking at him over the desk. Daring him to continue.
William let out a sigh and looked down at his desk before meeting my eyes again.
Holding my eyes he told me, “I have indicated in the past that I want to keep our personal relationship and our professional relationship separate.”
“Yes, you have.” I agreed.
“That is something I want to continue with now.” He told me, “but it doesn’t seem like that’s what is happening.”
“You broke up with me, then didn’t give me the space to get over it.” I reminded him, anger flaring, “you came around to my house afterward to-”
“-Yes, yes I know.” William said, cutting me off. “I don’t know much of how to handle a relationship like this either. I have never had to.”
“You have never had to?” I asked, hearing the frustration in my own voice this time.
“That’s correct. I have never had to manage a relationship like this one, because I have never had a relationship like this one.” He told me.
“But you told me you had had relationships with multiple people in them before, and-” I began, but he cut me off again.
“-Yes, yes I have. I have had relationships with more than one person involved in the past. That is true. I have not had a relationship with someone I work with though.” He told me, “I don’t know how to handle it.”
There was silence between us, and I stared at him. What was he on about that he didn’t know how to handle it? I was his subordinate, he set the tone here. If he wanted me to behave a certain way, then all he would have to do is act that way. It wasn’t more complicated than that.
I took a deep breath, in and out. I didn’t want to say the first thing that came into my mind now, it wouldn’t be the best thing, or even the kindest thing that I could say.
Eventually I went to start a sentence, then stopped myself. Then went to start again, then stopped myself.
“You can speak freely here.” He told me, “I don’t want you to feel like you can’t say what you’re thinking.”
Eventually I nodded and told him, “I am just over it. I can’t get what I want from you, then fine. But you’re telling me how to take that and it just makes things harder.”
“It makes things harder?” He asked.
“Yes, it makes things harder. I want to make you happy, to be with you. I want to be the one who gets to wake up beside you. I want that kind of intimate relationship with you and I have wanted it so long that it aches, even when I got close to having it, it ached.” I told him, speaking right from my heart for the first time since walking into his office, “you pull the rug right from under me right when I think I am getting it. Right when I think I am getting the relationship which I have wanted forever, which I have not been able to have. Then it’s gone and I can’t get it back.” I told him.
William just listened, his eyes soft and a little sad. He was nodding as I spoke then when I finished he looked down at his hands on his desk and thought for a long moment. Silence filled the room.
“I am sorry.” He finally told me, “I am sorry that I led you on.”
“Don’t be sorry about leading me on, be sorry about leading yourself on. You let yourself believe that you could have that wonderful relationship too. You let yourself believe that that could happen, and it didn’t because you wouldn’t let it. That’s on you, really.” I said, feeling all sorts of feelings bubble to the surface as I spoke the words.
William just nodded at me from the other side of the desk before he looked away.
“That’s fair.” He said after the silence had stretched into all corners of the office. “That’s a fair assessment of what happened.”
He was saying I was right, and I could hardly believe it. I just stared at him, as if waiting for his head to start spinning around and him to start vomiting green. He didn’t, of course, but what he had done was almost as shocking.
As if on a high from being right, I told him, “between you and Joel, I have had enough of this. Why don’t you both realize how great you had it? Relationships like ours aren’t all that common.”
“Realize how great I had it?” He asked, his face blank, “and Joel?”
“Yeah.” I told him, “I saw you both when I was out with another guy and you have both made approaches since to try and apologize for being terrible, but ne
ither of you is interested in getting back together, apparently.” I said the last word like it was an alleged thing, like I really didn’t believe that these two men didn’t want to be with me. Like I knew that of course anyone would be lucky to have me.
William nodded his head and asked me, “so you think Joel wants to get back with you?”
“Yes.” I told him, “if he knows what’s good for him.”
William let out a little chuckle as if amused but when he saw my face he looked surprised and stopped.
“I am sorry.” He told me, “I have to agree with you, as far as Joel is concerned.” He told me the last part quickly, as if to tell me that of course Joel was being silly but that he, William, was not being silly.
“Right.” I agreed.
“I didn’t know you had seen us both that night though.” He told me, “do you think Joel will want to get back with you?”
“I don’t know.” I told him, “I would think so, maybe he just doesn’t realize it yet?”
William sat back in his chair and smiled a smug sort of grin but didn’t say anything for a long time. Then he asked me, “would you like him back?”
“I would like you both back. I want it how it was.” I told him.
“But things can never be how they were, we can’t have the past back, only the future can happen now.” William told me.
“Right. Only the future.” I agreed, although not feeling completely convinced. Life is always changing, we can never have things stay static, but that wasn’t what I meant, and he knew what I meant. I wasn’t going to argue with him though. I just sat there in silence, not looking at him for a long time.
“You may leave now, I just, I wanted you to know what you can have as much time as you want off. I can get it approved so you will still be paid. I know we were keeping this personal relationship separate, but apparently that can’t be done. I will look after you, if that is what you need.” He told me.
I stood up slowly, a little shell shocked hearing that he wanted to look after me, but apparently not in the way I wanted him to look after me. He wasn’t my daddy anymore, and being reminded of that hurt.
“Okay.” I told him as I put the chair back close to his desk where I had found it, “is there anything else?”
“Yes.” William told me in a matter of fact way, he was back to business when he asked, “can I have Joel’s phone number?”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I had these two big break ups with Joel and William in quick succession. It was like having two giant rejections rejections one after the other, then having to get on with it like everything was fine. All because I hadn’t told anyone about my three-way relationship.
When I was on my way home from work the day William told me he would give me time off with pay if I desperately needed it, I gave my Friday night date a quick call as a way to bolster my battered self esteem. Of course, right when I needed the uptick in self esteem, he didn’t answer the phone.
Sighing, I got myself home and started doing my after work routine. I changed into ‘lounge clothes’, clothes I wore in the house that were much more comfortable than what I wore to work. I started heating the kettle for a cup of tea and thought about the depressing meal for one I would have to heat up from frozen using my microwave. I hated these meals for one with a passion, but they were much tastier than my cooking so I persisted in over spending on them rather than bothering to improve my culinary skills.
Eventually, when I was about half way through my cup of tea relaxing on the couch, my phone buzzed, this time with a text message rather than a phone call. It was the guy I had been on a date with on the Friday.
“Hey, I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed our date, but don’t think we should go on another. I’m sorry.” He wrote.
I sat up a little straighter as I thought about how odd that message was. Men always wanted to go out with you again, even if just because they knew more dates meant they were more likely to get sex from you.
It was pretty damn weird for a guy to shoot you down like that I told myself, trying not to think about how everything happens in three and this must be my third rejection. I shook my head, threw the phone down on my coffee table and rolled my eyes as I downed the rest of my tea before standing up and heating up one of my depressing meals for one.
Watching the microwave rotate the meal for one again and again, I stared at it as I tuned out.
This was happening. I was really on the receiving end of a whole load of rejection. One, two, three I counted in my mind. Three shots, all to my self esteem. Coming back from this felt impossible.
Then the microwave beeped and I pulled out my little meal for one, trying not to let it get to me as my lip curled and I knew I was making that face that disappointed little girls the world over make right as they’re about to cry.
I was three rejections deep, four tubs of ice cream and a lot of restless sleep by the time the Friday rolled around. When the day was finally there, I remembered how just a week ago I had been out on a date with one guy and the sole focus of two other guys as they saw me on my date. I remembered how much of a difference a week could make and felt frustrated by it. It seemed typical that in such a short time you could go from being deliriously happy and having everything go your way - or at least thinking that everything might start going your way after a period of darkness - to being in a state of confusion, unrest and annoyance.
Whatever, I thought. I’ll just get on with it. It’s not like there was anything else I could do.
I was going into a single girl weekend, feeling pretty awful about it when I arrived home from work and saw Joel’s ute in my drive way. Great, I thought. He must be here to tell me he is sorry again without following through with it and showing me he was really sorry, or that he really wanted me back. Idiot. I reminded myself of how I deserved better and how I would walk right into the situation with my head held high. Maintaining my dignity, that was important.
I got out of my car and slammed my car door loudly. Apparently he wasn’t in his car, or he would have gotten out of his when he heard my own car door slam. I rolled my eyes before walking up towards my front door.
When I reached the door though, there was a note on it. A part of me wanted to ignore it, and to ignore Joel’s presence even though I didn’t know where he was, but I didn’t. I was too curious about this. I took the note off my door where it had been fastened there with some tack and read it. The note was short and sweet. It read:
Please come around the back (you won’t be disappointed!).
I stared at the note and re-read the words a few times, as if it would give me some clue about what was waiting for me around the back. As if there could be something I hadn’t noticed written beneath those nine words. But of course there wasn’t, there was only those nine words. There was only that one request.
I considered them against my previous desire to walk in with dignity, then, before I could stop myself or tell myself that doing his bidding was undignified even if it was just to walk around the back of my own home, the swelling inside my chest was buoying me forward. One foot in front of the other I walked around the house towards my back yard to find out exactly what there would be waiting for me there. To find out exactly what it was that I wouldn’t be disappointed to find.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I was surprised by what I found when I walked around the house. I had expected to maybe find Joel around there, maybe holding some flowers to apologize properly. If that. I wasn’t sure he would even be doing that because he was being so silly about everything.
When I walked around though, I didn’t find him holding flowers. Instead he was standing beside William and they were both wearing suits. Although William always wore a suit to work, this was a different suit. They were both in gray suits with crisp white shirts and purple ties underneath.
“What are you - what’s going on?” I asked.
“We’re here to marry you.” Joel said with a chuckle, “Or, not to marry.
To commit to. Your lawyer says we can’t get married like this. You can’t marry two guys at once he says.”
“We can’t - what?” I asked, realizing for the first time since the two of them had come into sight that it wasn’t just two men standing there in suits. There was more here than that. They had transformed my back garden into something unrecognizable. There was furniture that wasn’t normally here - a white metal arch covered in white flowers, a white metal table with three chairs which looked like it had already been set with food which was covered.
William caught me looking around and told me, “we wanted it to be as like a real wedding as it could be, to show you we both wanted to make this commitment to you.”
“To show me - you wanted to make the commitment?” I said, half a question.
“Yes.” William told me, “it was important that you could see how serious we both were.”
“But, you didn’t want to make a commitment, you didn’t want to be with me.” I said, still feeling thrown off balance by all of this.
“We both want to make you happy, Mel.” He told me, “when I told Joel how unhappy you were, and that I wanted to make you happy, he told me that was all he wanted too.”
“But, this isn’t what you wanted before.” I said, hearing the shock in my own voice. Even as I spoke the words, I knew I wanted the same thing they did, but I needed to hear it from them, especially after everything that had happened. I needed to hear what was going on inside both their heads. I needed to hear why they had changed their minds now. It was important for me, hearing their thoughts would help me trust them more, or not.
“I know.” William agreed.
“We were being selfish before.” Joel told me in the honest way only he could, “him more than me though.” He said, and William laughed at his joke while objecting. William was saying they were both as stupid and selfish as one another.
“Will you marry us?” Joel asked when they had both stopped admitting their faults and there was silence again.
