So were they.
Josh turned his head to face her. “Sam,” he caught her finger in his hand and pulled it to his mouth to be kissed. He had the most incredible lips. They did the most incredible things. “I know your relationship with Collin was emotionally abusive, but were there things you didn’t tell me? Physically, did the bastard hurt you? Because I can track him down if he did.”
Sam tried to smile, but her heart wasn’t in it, and Josh’s eyes brewed up a storm. “I’ll kill him –”
“No.” She laid her finger against those lips. “No, you won’t, and no he never actually hurt me. He just…” Sam had to swallow her pride to speak of it. They’d covered this ground before but she’d been drunk, and fully dressed. She was sober this time, and naked, but somehow she was less exposed. There was trust, now. Josh wouldn’t use what she told him against her.
“Collin liked to crush my self-esteem. It was his particular expertise. He made me feel that… giving it up to him was all I was really good for. And that I wasn’t even all that good for that. He stopped kissing me.” And it had been unbearably hurtful. “Like I didn’t deserve the most basic foreplay. Just straight, humiliating sex.”
Josh held himself very still. “I’m in no position to question, and I don’t want you to think that’s what I’m doing, but –”
“You want to know why?” she surmised, rolling away from him. “Why I was stupid enough to stay in an abusive relationship?”
“Stop it.” He pulled her forcefully back toward him. “You’re not stupid, and you never have been.” He cupped her chin, lifted it so that she faced him. “What happened” he asked, gentle now “to make you think you deserved it?”
He’d hit the nail on the head. It was disconcerting that he understood that much already.
“Your father.” He saw the truth of it in her eyes, and something dangerous flickered in his. “He abused you.”
It wasn’t a question, though Sam nodded her head. Shame washed over her, staining her cheeks. Despite all the years which had passed. She’d never told anyone – it had been her and Donnie’s dirty little secret.
But this man had just asked her to share his life with him. So surely she could share this.
“My dad was a long-haul trucker, so he wasn’t home very often. When he was home, he dictated how things should be. Knocked us around when one of us didn’t go along. He had this… this insatiable need for control.” It was so hard to talk about objectively. “I don’t know for certain, but I’m pretty sure he was abused also. It’s a fairly predictable cycle.”
“But that doesn’t make it okay.”
“No,” she agreed, stroking his cheek. “He should have been locked up for what he did to us. But one of the things I’ve learned through the classes I’ve taken is that it’s important to understand how these things work. Not excuse,” she clarified, watching the faint morning light illuminate his anger “but… understand. Understanding the cycle can sometimes help people break it.” She sighed, turning to look at the skylight. Wispy clouds drifted past, a deeper shadow against the lightening sky. “That’s part of why I stayed with Collin. When boys are abused they often turn that anger and self-loathing onto others, whereas girls turn it inward to themselves. Eating disorders, substance abuse, promiscuity. Falling into the very pattern of abuse they’d hoped to leave behind.”
“But you got out.”
“I did. There’s a good bit of steel in my backbone. And growing up with Donnie… he never let me feel I wasn’t worthy. Like I didn’t deserve to be loved and cared for as a person. That’s why he was so upset when he found out about Collin. It was like I was living with our father all over again, and this time, he wasn’t there to protect me.”
“How did you meet him?”
“My father died when I was twelve. Fell asleep at the wheel, crossed four lanes of traffic. He hit another semi head on. Donnie was only seventeen, getting ready to head off to college – he’d gotten a scholarship to the University of South Carolina. My brother’s an incredibly smart man. But he gave it up and went to work to support me and my mother. Bussing tables, washing dishes, whatever paid the bills. He hated it, though you’d never have guessed it. And I hated it that my father had taken that away from him, too.
“Anyway, life went on, I hit my teens and gained an attitude, and I started to rebel against any and all authority. Even Donnie. I told him he wasn’t my dad and he couldn’t tell me what to do. And there was this boy… he was eighteen, captain of the football team, Prince Charming to my Cinderella.” It was those damn fairy tales that kept getting her into trouble. “Donnie told me to stay away from him, because he knew some things that I didn’t, and the boy was bad news. But I was seventeen. Invincible.”
JOSH steeled himself against what he thought was coming.
“So one day he asks me to meet him that night, there was this festival down at the Baptist Church. Me, Samantha Martin – Plain Jane and the class dunce to boot – had been noticed by the town’s reigning prince. I told my brother to kiss my ass. Well, the prince was waiting for me by the giant slide. He bought me a snow cone. I was in heaven. And when I’d finished and he’d laughingly kissed the juice off my face, he led me into the service alley.
He raped me against the brick wall of the church.”
Josh brought the heels of his hands to his eyes.
“I was devastated,” Sam continued. “I was a virgin when I’d gone into that alley. But he told me that I’d wanted it, and I almost… believed him for a bit, because he was who he was. And I had wanted him. But not like that. Never like that. Then he ignored me when he saw me at school, and I heard the other boys snickering whenever I passed them. I’d gained a reputation. I was easy. Donnie was going crazy because he could tell that something was wrong, but I refused to tell him anything about it. I was ashamed. Things got so bad that he confronted the boy with his suspicions, and nearly killed him when the story came out. He spent some time in jail. Assault and battery. So my brother – my perfect, sweet brother who’d sacrificed himself out of love for me – well, I’d ruined him by thinking I knew better. So I ran away. I hated myself and I ran away. Collin gave me a lift when I was hitching.”
Josh thrust his hands from his eyes and pulled her to him with barely restrained violence. “You’re… incredible.” To have gone through all that she had. To have emerged whole on the other side. His voice was shaky with emotion, but he couldn’t sound calm if he tried. “I’m humbled by how incredibly strong you are, by the person you’ve become despite all of that.”
“I became this person because of all of that.”
“You’re right.” He stroked a hand over her hair. “You truly blow me away.” They kissed with passion now banked, a gesture of tenderness and respect and friendship. “Thank you for trusting me.”
“You’ve earned it.”
From somewhere downstairs, Josh’s phone began trilling, and he sighed before kissing her on the head. “Duty calls.”
When he’d walked, totally naked, to the top of the stairs, he turned to look at her with a beatific smile. “I love you. And you earned that just by being you.”
JOSH grimaced as he noted the abused state of his tuxedo, currently spread all over the floor. But then he recalled what happened after he’d lost the tux, and he gave it another kick. He’d get that damn dog back and let it chew on his shoes if he thought it might get him a replay of last night.
But the damn phone was still ringing, and that did not bode well for possible repeats. He was supposed to be off today, so it had to be pretty important.
He sighed and scooped his pants off the floor.
“What?” he barked, after pulling the phone from his pocket and finding the caller was Kathleen. She’d just slipped dramatically on his list of favorite people.
“Grumpy,” she chided. “I thought you got all of your sulking out last night.”
“I got lots of stuff out last night, and I was hoping to get it out again. What’s up?” he asked, tir
ed of the preliminaries.
Kathleen bypassed the door he’d just opened, which told him things could not be good. “I got a call from my source over at the lab, and he gave me a head’s up on that test we’ve been waiting for.”
Damn. The mayor’s daughter. Apparently her ghost wouldn’t be put off. “It’s a match?” he asked, although he was already certain of the answer.
“You got it.” She sounded tired. “But that wasn’t the news he called to drop.”
Josh felt a tug of apprehension.
“The lab was also running some DNA tests on a few hairs from another case. That abduction/fire deal that involved your, uh, girlfriend’s friend.”
“Okay,” he said cautiously, wondering where exactly this was going. He knew the techs had found some hair and other biological samples in the van in which Karen had been found, which were being tested against the DNA samples of the other known victims of their suspected serial rapist. “And?”
“And it seems they came up with a match. But not any of the ones they were expecting.”
Josh’s heart sank when he realized what was coming.
“Apparently, the mayor’s daughters DNA somehow ended up in the back of that white van.”
SAM jumped, almost slipping on the stone tiles of the shower, as the warm hand slid over her belly. Josh had obviously crept into the bathroom. Sneaky, she thought happily, a low purr echoing in her throat as that clever hand eased lower. The man was surprisingly sneaky.
He had all sorts of interesting quirks and personality flaws that she’d become intrigued by over the past week – flaws she’d attempted to use to bolster her belief that it was all well and good they were only friends.
He snored, first off, to the point that he sometimes wore those funny little white strips over his perfect nose. And he was a grouch until he’d had at least two cups of coffee. Let Chris have him, she’d lied to herself just yesterday. Who needs to wake up to that every day?
When his hand snaked out, grabbed the washcloth from the rack, Sam lost her train of thought for a moment.
Possessive, she reminded herself, watching him squirt shower gel onto the black cotton. He was also possessive and a little high-handed – the testosterone-off with Dane took on new meaning now that she understood his real motives – despite the fact that he was on the whole a modern and sophisticated man.
She tried to work up some feminist indignation as he nibbled delicately at her earlobe, but decided not to bother.
After all, possessiveness had some pretty exciting benefits. Especially when he dragged the washcloth over the very tips of her breasts. Teased her nipples into hard peaks. Tipped her over with a gentle but firm hand on her back.
Murmured some surprisingly naughty things to her as he slid into her from behind.
When he rubbed the gel into her skin, moving in circles that grew slower as he worked his way between her thighs – the cloth gently scraping, his thrusts slow and deep, the dual friction driving her out of her mind – Sam wasn’t about to protest.
She was, indisputably, his.
“Samantha.” Her name passed his lips on a rush of warm breath, slid over her sweet as honey.
There was something almost unbearably romantic about having your lover whisper your name.
She felt the enchantment of it seep into her blood, until it hummed and danced through her veins.
Josh’s own heartbeat thundered against her back, their skin slid wet against wet.
Water rained down like a thousand liquid kisses.
When his hand slipped up to caress her breast, Sam had to brace herself against the tile to keep from simply dissolving.
Her breath trembled out on a sigh.
But then he changed the tempo, spun her around. Something nearly dangerous lurked in his eyes. And what had been loose, languid in Sam began to coil into a tight fist of need.
“I want to watch you.”
He pressed her back to the tile, cupped her bottom, lifted her high. Water turned his lashes to sooty spikes, but he didn’t blink as he plunged inside.
This time there were no lazy strokes, just powerful thrusts of his hips that pinned her to the wall and made her shudder. Her nails bit at his shoulders even as his fingers dug into her thighs.
This was Josh, but not her sweet friend Josh, not even last night’s tender, sensitive lover. This was the side of him that charged into ransacked apartments. The side that calmly, smoothly took control. The side that could take three bullets in the line of duty and still not hesitate to strap on a gun.
This was the wolf that hid beneath designer wool.
The thrill of it coursed through her blood, and the coil wound tight, tighter.
“Oh, God, Sam.” He moved deeper, faster, never taking his eyes from hers. All that blue, like fairy tale skies, gone dark now, midnight. His breath came in hard pants and Sam wasn’t sure she could breathe at all.
But when he leaned in, set his teeth on her neck, the air burst from her lungs on a startled cry.
“Let go.”
The gentle command was all it took.
The coil broke, flying into so many pieces that Sam wondered if there’d be anything left. Steam blurred her vision, but through it she saw Josh’s eyes on hers.
“Again.” And he drove her, ruthlessly.
The water ran hot over her shaking body, her breath caught on a plea that was his name.
“Josh.”
This time, he was the one that shattered.
And as he shook, emptying himself into her, Sam’s release left her limp as the abandoned washcloth.
“Sweet Lord.”
Finally collapsing, Josh gasped like a landed trout. “Making love with you in the shower is even better than I imagined. And sweetheart, that’s saying something.”
Sam smiled a little, her cheek pressed to his as Josh leaned heavy and winded against her. “You imagined it, did you?”
“At least once a day for years. I’d be innocently soaping myself down and pop! There you’d be. You played havoc with my energy bill. I ended up taking the longest showers on record.”
Sam giggled, utterly delighted. Thrilled to trust a man so completely that she could laugh while they made love.
Thrilled to be making love instead of having sex.
But the water was turning cold so she reached over and shut it off. Her hair would rebel for not being washed but she figured it could take one for the team. Her other body parts were happy.
Josh set her down, letting her slide along his body as he yanked a towel from the rack. He wrapped it around her middle, lifting her arms to tuck it in, murmuring I love you before grabbing one for himself.
Sam believed that he actually did.
“I don’t want to leave you,” he said, lifting one foot to dry a well-muscled leg. The bullet scar high on his thigh made her good mood dissipate a little. That side of him might be exciting, but it was also the side that had nearly gotten him killed.
“But I have to go down to the station. Something came up on a case I’m involved in and it unfortunately can’t wait until tomorrow.”
THERE was a lot they needed to do, Josh considered. All kinds of dots that needed to be connected. And no doubt he’d be reconstructing the features of their charred corpse because dental records hadn’t come through. There were also a lot of gaps in what they knew of Salinas’ background, which left Josh with an uncomfortable feeling. Especially with no fingerprints to run through AFIS. But since they now had one pretty huge reason to make certain who’d burned in that fire, positive identification was a top priority. Hence, his presence today was a requirement. The timing a drawback to a demanding job.
“I understand.”
And he knew that she really did. She’d made it known that she respected his work immensely, even if she didn’t like the part where he could get shot.
“Karen’s being released from the hospital today and I thought I might go see her. I’ll stop by to see Donnie for a little while, and
then probably take care of some paperwork and stuff before I head into work tonight.”
Josh frowned, hanging the used towel on a hook, and watched Sam apply lotion to her legs. Gorgeous legs, he thought, momentarily distracted. But then he remembered what he wanted to say. “Sam, I promise I’m not going to start acting like a despot just because I’m your fiancé.”
SAM went dizzy for a moment at that word. My God, they were actually getting married, weren’t they?
“But,” Josh continued, oblivious to her plight, “I’d like you to think about going back to school. You only have a semester left to finish, and then you could start doing the work you’re meant for. I know you’re worried about Donnie’s insurance and the bills, but I know a really good attorney I can get to look into it. We can fight them if we have to. And I…” he hesitated, seemingly unsure of her reaction, “I don’t like you working in that bar, Sam. It’s up to you,” he pointed out, mustering his best hey, I’m supportive and enlightened face, “but I have enough money to float us.”
Sam’s back went up, she couldn’t help it. It just went against her hard-won independence to roll over and relinquish control. It was the main reason it was taking her so long to earn her degree – she’d worked two jobs and taken classes part time so that she could pay for her schooling herself. It was only recently that she’d agreed to let Donnie help her with her last couple semesters.
She thought of Collin and financial dependence. Of the way he’d made her feel like a second class citizen at best, a mere possession when he was at his worst. She never wanted to go back to that.
Josh must have sensed it, because he came over. “I know what your brother means to you, Sam. And I know you want to do this your own way.” His voice was so soft it was like cashmere, a warm blanket falling over her skin. “But this isn’t about charity or control or me thinking I know more than you. This is about me loving you and wanting to help you. About the fact that I owe your brother, too. If he hadn’t been the example that he was of how a good man should be, you might have been put off men before I ever got a chance. I want to help, Sam. If you’ll let me.”
Deception Page 23
