Pouring himself a small shot of whiskey he knocked it back in one mouthful before throwing his head back and letting out a heavy, laboured sigh. His heart felt as though it was breaking, but that was a feeling he was used to now. Ever since he’d allowed himself to love her, he’d felt this pain, an intense, burning pain. And he’d thought he could handle it because he was Jim Allen. He could handle anything. Except this. This was killing him, and he couldn’t let that happen again. He couldn’t let it almost ruin him, like it had once tried to do before.
Resisting the urge to take another shot of whiskey, he put the glass down and looked in the mirror on the wall above the sideboard. Pushing a hand through his hair, he stared at his reflection, blinking slowly as he noticed eyes that were tired, a face that was still impassive but a little more worn than he felt comfortable with. He had to get himself back on track. What had happened this afternoon with Amber had been a lapse he couldn’t allow to be repeated. He couldn’t let this distract him from what really mattered – his career; making sure this club was more successful than it had ever been. He had his sights set high, and he couldn’t let anything detract from that.
Inhaling deeply he turned around and headed for the door, hesitating slightly as his hand reached out to open it. He could do this. Love not only broke your heart, it made you weak. And if there was one thing Jim Allen wasn’t, it was weak.
Chapter Four
‘Are you serious?’ Debbie asked, sipping demurely on a large gin and tonic as the post-match Players’ Lounge began filling up with girlfriends, wives, friends and family.
Amber leaned back against the wall, staring out ahead of her, smiling at people who waved hellos or smiled in her direction. ‘I don’t know, Debbie. I just know that I can’t stay here.’
‘And I thought things were okay with you and Ryan.’
‘They are… they were.’ She looked at her friend. Debbie Hogan – glamour model, gossip columnist, and wife of Ryan’s best friend, Newcastle Red Star defender Gary Blandford. ‘Things were fine. But fine isn’t enough, Debs. Fine isn’t how I want to live my life.’
‘And running away from things is?’
‘Oh, don’t you start. Just – don’t. Okay? I’ve had enough from him.’ She jerked her head towards Ronnie, who was standing over by the bar talking to one of his fellow pundits.
‘You don’t even like working in London, never mind living there.’
Amber threw her head back, sighing heavily, and probably rather more loudly than she’d intended. But sometimes frustration got the better of her. ‘It’s hardly like I’m upping sticks and emigrating, is it? I have a house down there anyway, and like I told Ryan, I’ll probably be up here just as much as I usually am. I’m just… I’m just swapping bases for a while, that’s all.’
Debbie took another sip of gin and tonic. ‘Sounds like a pointless waste of time, then, if you ask me.’
‘I’m not. You brought up the subject.’
‘Because I don’t understand, Amber. If things aren’t working out with Ryan, why not just tell him?’
‘I have just told him,’ Amber sighed, sliding her hands into the pockets of her jeans.
‘So what’s the prob… oh, hang on.’
Amber turned her head to look at Debbie, but she didn’t say anything.
‘You haven’t?’
‘I haven’t, what?’
‘You and Jim.’
‘There is no me and Jim. We’re divorced, remember?’
‘That means nothing where you two are concerned.’
‘Why do people keep saying that?’
Debbie narrowed her eyes as she continued to stare at her. ‘You’ve slept with him, haven’t you?’
‘No, I…’ Amber let out another sigh, this time one of resignation.
‘When?’
‘What is this? You’ll be reading me my rights next.’
‘When did you have sex with him, Amber?’
‘I’m not sure that’s any of your business.’
‘You’re my friend. It’s very much my business. When?’
‘Just before the game.’
‘Okay… and, what happened after that?’
‘Newcastle Red Star beat Wearside Spartans 3 – 2.’
‘Oh, Ronnie is so right about your tendency to be flippant when faced with something you don’t want to talk about. So, let me get this straight, you have sex with your ex-husband, and then you decide to move down to London to get away from him, is that right?’
Amber just stared at Debbie for a second or two. ‘No. That is not right. I’d already made the decision to base myself down south before all this shit happened…’
‘This shit? Oh, so, it wasn’t good, then? Sex with Jim.’
‘Now who’s being flippant? I’m being serious here, Debbie. Ronnie told me I needed to sort myself out, so, that’s what I’m trying to do.’
‘By moving away from everything you know?’
‘Jesus, Debbie, come on. I’ve been working down there for over a year now, it’s hardly the end of the earth. And I just need the space, alright? I need the space.’
‘Why?’
Amber stared at her again, knowing all too well she was trying to get her to admit to something she already knew. ‘I’m moving to London, end of subject.’
‘Okay. That’s me told,’ Debbie huffed, sucking up the last of her gin and tonic. ‘I’m off to get a refill.’
Amber watched her walk over to the bar, whispering something to Ronnie that caused him to look over, and Amber could only hope it wasn’t enough to make him come and talk to her. She really wasn’t in the mood to discuss this any more, not today.
‘So you’re moving to London?’
She felt her heart skip a ridiculous beat as the familiar American accent once more filled her head, but she didn’t look at him. She couldn’t. She didn’t think she was strong enough.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘It wasn’t really the right time, was it? When you were fucking me up against your office door.’
‘I would have thought it was the perfect time.’
Still she said nothing. She just dug her hands into her pockets and stared down at the ground.
‘You thought it was the perfect time to tell Ryan, though. Didn’t you?’
She slowly looked up, raising her head so her eyes met his. ‘I wasn’t thinking straight, Jim. I haven’t been thinking straight for a while now. Ever since you walked back into my life my head’s been a fucking mess.’
It was Jim’s turn to look away. ‘I don’t want you to go.’
‘You have no say in the matter. And I don’t want to hear you say that, okay? I don’t want you to say something like that when you don’t really mean it.’
‘I mean it.’ His eyes were back on hers, staring at her with an intensity that was quite frightening. ‘I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to be so far away I can’t see you or talk to you or…’
‘Hang on…’ That confusion that seemed to be omnipresent at the minute washed over Amber once again, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from him. It was like some weird and invisible force was keeping them locked on his. ‘You have absolutely no right to stand there and say those things. None. You… you divorced me, Jim. You left me.’
‘Because you were sleeping with one of my players.’
Amber laughed, a small, cynical laugh. ‘This is crap. All of it, it’s crap.’ She pushed a hand through her hair and turned away, knowing that she needed to leave here. She needed to walk away and leave this crazy situation that she couldn’t understand. Before it killed her.
‘Amber, please…’ Jim reached out, his fingers gently circling her wrist, stopping her from going anywhere. ‘I’m sorry, okay?’
She looked at him again, her head telling her one thing, and her heart screaming something altogether different. ‘For what, Jim? For sleeping with me when I was just a teenager? For making me love you my entire life? For messing with my hea
d every single, fucking day? What exactly are you sorry for?’
‘Letting you go. I’m sorry for letting you go, and there are reasons, believe me, Amber, there are reasons why I… why…’
She frowned slightly as she noticed emotion clouding his usually impassive and stoic expression. This was a side of him she’d very rarely seen, and it confused her even more. ‘Jim?’
He shook his head. ‘Not here.’
‘No. No, don’t ask me to go somewhere more private or make me listen to any more excuses or…’
‘I have to go.’
‘What the…? Jim!’
She watched as he just turned and walked away, pushing through the crowded Players’ Lounge until she couldn’t see him any more.
‘You alright?’
She turned to look at Brandon, who’d suddenly materialised beside her. Handsome, hot and talented – a frighteningly younger version of his father. A constant reminder of a man she would always love. A man who was destined to spend the rest of his life fucking up hers.
‘What the hell is wrong with him, Brandon?’
Brandon looked down at the bottle of lager he was holding, scuffing his heel against the wall behind him. ‘He’s got a lot on his mind.’
‘Haven’t we all?’ Amber sighed, her mood brightening slightly as she saw Ryan walk in carrying their baby boy. Her father had been looking after Rico but he’d obviously brought him to Tynebridge to see his mum and dad, and for that Amber could only be grateful. She badly needed the distraction.
‘Do you want me to talk to him?’ Brandon asked.
‘Do whatever you like.’ Amber’s attention was elsewhere now. ‘I’m past caring.’ Not entirely true. She turned to look at Brandon, suddenly realising that his father’s odd behaviour was nothing to do with him. ‘You were great out there this afternoon. Without you on their side, Red Star would have annihilated Spartans.’ She smiled, standing up on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. ‘See you later, okay?’
Brandon smiled back, but Amber was done there now. She didn’t want to talk about Jim or even have to think about him, not when she had way more important things to be concentrating on.
‘And what are you doing here, gorgeous?’ She had the biggest grin on her face as she reached out to take Rico from Ryan’s arms.
‘I’ve brought our son to see his mum.’ Ryan grinned back, and Amber couldn’t help but smile.
‘I was talking to Rico.’
‘I know. Your dad brought him in, thought you might want to see him seeing as you’ve been away from him all day.’
‘Well, Dad was right.’ Rico was her steadying influence, the one thing that could stop her from making any more crazy decisions that were nothing but a way of deflecting her real feelings. With him in her life, she had to make sure every decision she made was the right one. For both their sakes. ‘Hello, baby! Has Granddad got you all dressed up in your daddy’s team’s colours?’
Rico was dressed in the cutest of baby football strips, with the number nine on the back and the name Fisher above it. A tiny replica of his daddy’s strip.
‘Oh, you are too cute!’ Debbie cooed as she tottered over on her four-inch heels. ‘Amber, he gets more beautiful every day.’
‘Just like his mum,’ Ryan said, his eyes instantly meeting Amber’s.
‘Jesus, do you ever give that flannel a rest?’ Gary rolled his eyes, and Debbie nudged him hard in the ribs. ‘Ouch! What the fuck was that for?’
‘We need to get home to check on Jodi.’
‘Do we?’
It was Debbie’s turn to roll her eyes. ‘Just get your arse out of here, come on,’ she said, ushering him quickly away from Amber and Ryan.
‘That was subtle,’ Ryan sighed, leaning back against the wall, his hands in the pockets of his doubtless very expensive jeans.
‘You can talk.’
He looked at her. ‘I meant it. You do get more beautiful every day.’
‘I bet you say that to all the girls.’
He shrugged, a slight smirk on his handsome face. ‘Once upon a time I did, yeah.’
Amber couldn’t help smiling again. ‘And didn’t I know it.’
Neither of them said anything for a second, they just let the silence between them hang in the air as they both watched their son play with Amber’s hair, wrapping it around his tiny hand and pulling at it gently. This perfect little man had been created in the midst of a not-so-perfect relationship. And Amber doubted it could ever be anything but that. Too much had happened, too many things had been said. Too many truths had been told.
‘We had something, Amber. You and me. Remember? We had something.’
‘I know we did, Ryan. It’s just…’ She was distracted by Jim’s reappearance in the room, her grip on Rico tightening as her eyes followed him, watching the way he walked, the way he smiled at everyone who acknowledged him. She’d allowed this man to take over her life all those years ago, and now there was no way back.
‘I’m going to get a drink,’ Ryan sighed, pulling himself away from the wall.
‘Ryan…’
‘Later, Amber.’
She threw her head back, stroking her son’s soft, dark hair as he snuggled into her.
‘Do you want to get out of here?’
She opened her eyes to see Ronnie standing there. He was the only person who could bring some sanity and sense into this rapidly deteriorating situation.
She nodded, kissing the top of Rico’s head.
Ronnie smiled. ‘Okay, well, I’ve just got a couple of things to tie up here, but I’ll only be a couple of minutes.’
‘I’ll wait for you out in the main reception. I’d better let Ryan know I’m going.’
Ronnie leaned over to kiss her quickly before retreating back over to the bar, smiling at Freddie Sullivan as he approached Amber.
‘Everything alright, kiddo?’
‘I’m trying to make it that way, Dad.’
Freddie frowned at his daughter, taking Rico from her. ‘Something you want to tell me?’
She looked at him. ‘Like what?’
Freddie raised an eyebrow. ‘Like, London?’
All of a sudden that move to London wasn’t sounding like such a good idea. And a huge part of her wished she’d given it a lot more thought before mentioning anything to anyone. So much for leaving the days of rash decision-making behind.
‘Look, Dad, forget London, okay?’
‘So, you’re not moving down there, then?’
‘I don’t know…’
‘What’s happened?’
‘What do you mean, what’s happened?’
‘Something going on between you and Ryan?’
‘Nothing’s going on between me and Ryan.’ And that’s where the problem lay. ‘I just wish it was,’ she said quietly. ‘Then none of this crap would be happening.’
Freddie frowned again. ‘’I don’t understand, sweetheart.’
She leaned over to gently kiss Rico’s warm cheek, stroking his hair. ‘No. Neither do I.’
‘Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it is you’ve got on your mind? Would that help?’
Amber smiled at her dad. He was the best dad a girl could ask for, and she loved him beyond words. But she really didn’t want him getting mixed up in any more of her turbulent and complicated love life. He didn’t need that, and neither did she. ‘No, it’s okay. I’m gonna go with Ronnie, grab something to eat.’
‘Do you want me to take Rico?’
‘Oh, no, Dad, it’s alright. He can come with us.’
‘He doesn’t want to do that, do you, little fella? You’d rather spend some more time with your old granddad. He can stay the night, can’t you, kiddo? If your mum doesn’t mind.’
‘Dad, are you sure? You’ve had him all day, and I… I can’t just…’
‘Amber, it’s fine. I love having him, you know I do. You just go with Ronnie, okay?’
‘Okay.’ She smiled, kissing first Rico, then her dad. ‘I’ll call y
ou later. You be a good boy now, baby, you hear me? No acting up for granddad.’
‘He’ll be fine. You go, go on.’
She made her way out of the Players’ Lounge, keeping her head down because she didn’t really want to stop for any small talk. She just wanted to leave Tynebridge and go somewhere away from it all. Just for a little while.
‘Hey, Amber, hang on!’
She’d put one foot outside of the door when he caught her, giving her no choice but to stop and face him. ‘What do you want, Ryan?’
‘I thought we were taking Rico home together?’
‘And when was that decided? I don’t remember making any plans. I didn’t even know Dad was bringing him in until ten minutes ago.’
‘You’re leaving him with Freddie, again?’
‘What do you mean, “again”? You make it sound as though Rico’s never with me. It’s one night, Ryan.’
‘Why?’
She narrowed her eyes as she stared at him. ‘Why, what?’
‘Why are you leaving him? Come on, Amber, you haven’t seen him all day…’
‘Can you just quit with the lectures and the guilt-tripping and anything else that has very little to do with you.’
‘He’s my son, too, Amber. So I think it has quite a bit to do with me. Jesus, I don’t even know how we got to this. To here. To the point where we can’t even have a frigging conversation without it ending in an argument. And it really doesn’t have to be this way, you know that, don’t you? It doesn’t have to be this way.’
She looked at him. A man she’d once thought she’d loved so much, but was Ronnie right? Had she ever really loved Ryan Fisher? Or had he always been nothing but a distraction. Something to hide behind because she was scared of giving in to someone she really should have left behind a long time ago.
‘Everything’s just so confusing, Ryan. And I’m sorry; sorry that it’s all turned to this so quickly, but… I don’t know. I just don’t know any more.’
He closed the door of the Players’ Lounge behind him, moving so he was standing in front of her, and she reluctantly leaned back against the wall.
‘Can’t we just talk, Amber?’
Final Score Page 4
