Amber broke away from Jim, turning to see Ronnie standing in the doorway.
‘I’ll leave you to it.’ Jim smiled, quickly squeezing her waist.
‘Are you going straight back up north?’ She didn’t want him to go. She really didn’t want him to go, not now he was here. She wanted him to stay, at least for one night.
He smiled again, moving his mouth close to her ear, his hand resting on her hip. ‘I’ll see you at home. Then we can get naked and talk some more.’
She breathed in deeply as she watched him leave, unable to stop her stomach from somersaulting so fast she almost felt dizzy.
Ronnie stood aside to let him through the door. ‘They’ve offered him the job, then?’ His tone was matter-of-fact as he threw the newspapers he was holding down on his desk next to Amber’s.
‘I… that isn’t common knowledge, is it? I mean, he’s only just left the stadium after talking to them…’
‘Chill out, will you? It isn’t common knowledge. But I’m not stupid enough to think he’s come all the way down here on a Thursday just for sex. He’s too professional for that.’
Amber threw him a look as she leaned back against her desk. ‘People are gonna put two and two together, though, aren’t they? If he’s seen down here.’
‘Probably, yes. His name’s already being touted around by the bookies as favourite to be Hollins’ replacement so I wouldn’t think it’ll be too long before the rumour mill is well and truly up and running.’
‘He wants us to move down here.’
Ronnie stopped what he was doing and looked at her. ‘He’s taking the job?’
‘I don’t know. No. I mean, he hasn’t come to a decision yet. We haven’t come to a decision yet.’
‘A fresh start, huh?’
Her eyes met Ronnie’s, and once again she wondered how different her life would have been if they’d stayed a couple. When she thought about it now, those few months they’d been together back when he’d been a player in Manchester and she’d been working as a reporter for New North East, they’d been good. Fun. Uncomplicated. If she’d just let that ride, given that relationship a chance to evolve, could it not have turned into the perfect life she’d been looking for? But she already knew the answer to that. It never would have happened. Because she’d never have left Jim behind. Ryan was right – nobody else had ever stood a chance. ‘Would that be such a bad thing?’
Ronnie said nothing, he just kept his eyes locked on hers for a few seconds longer before breaking the stare.
‘You still think I’m making a mistake, don’t you?’
‘I don’t know what to think any more, Amber. Everything’s changing so quickly, and I’m just scared you’re getting lost in all the crap he surrounds you with. So much that you can’t see the reality.’
‘I can see the reality, Ronnie.’
‘Can you?’ He walked over to her, his hands dug deep in his pockets. ‘Twenty-two years, Amber. He’s been doing this to you for twenty-two years and you had a chance to let go and move on. To leave him and all his shit behind. You had more than one chance to do that.’
‘But I can’t, can I? I tried, remember? For almost sixteen years I stayed away from him, avoided him. Did everything I possibly could to make sure our paths never had a chance to cross. And yet, now… now I regret doing that. Because after what he told me…’ She stopped talking, turning her head away.
‘What did he tell you, Amber? Come on. What was it he told you that’s suddenly changed everything and turned you back into that lovesick kid he prefers you to be?’
‘Do you know what? I don’t need this. And I especially don’t need it from you.’ She turned to leave, but Ronnie grabbed her wrist, swinging her back around to face him.
‘I’m not doing this to be cruel, Amber. Or because I wish it was me instead of him that you just can’t leave alone. I’m doing it because I care about you, and because I’ve been through way too much crap with you, all of it caused by Jim Allen. And every time he does that to you, it kills me. It fucking kills me to see you put yourself through it, time and time again.’
‘He won’t hurt me any more, Ronnie.’
‘Has he promised you that, huh? Has he promised you he won’t hurt you again? Has he promised you he won’t put you through any more shit? Has he promised you that?’
‘He doesn’t make me promises. I won’t let him.’
Ronnie let out a small laugh, full of nothing but cynicism tinged with scorn. ‘Well, there you go, then. And how convenient is that? When it all turns to shit again he can just turn right around and tell you he never made you any promises.’
‘You’re supposed to be my friend,’ she whispered, trying to pull her arm free but his grip on her was firm.
‘I am your friend, Amber. That’s why I’m saying these things. Because I love you too much to see you dragged down again. You’ve got Rico now…’
She finally pulled her arm free. ‘I am tired of people throwing Rico at me as some sort of reason as to why I shouldn’t be with Jim. That isn’t fair on me, it isn’t fair on Rico, and it certainly isn’t fair on Jim.’
Ronnie laughed that laugh again, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘Jesus, Amber, he really has got you reeled in hook, line and sinker, hasn’t he?’
She stared at him, their eyes locked together for what seemed like an eternity. ‘For all my life, Ronnie. For all my life.’
*
Ryan flung open the door and let out a heavy sigh.
‘And I’m really happy to see you, too,’ Ellen said. ‘You look like crap, by the way. Baby been keeping you up?’
‘He’s with his granddad.’
‘So why do you look like you haven’t slept in days?’
‘Because I haven’t. What do you want, Ellen?’
‘I thought you might like a bit of company.’
He leaned against the doorpost, folding his arms. ‘Why would I like some company? I’ve just spent the best part of a day with a whole lot of people and, to be honest, I’d quite like to chill out on my own now.’
‘That’s not very sociable, is it?’
‘I’m not feeling particularly sociable. And haven’t you got a boyfriend who needs your attention?’
‘He isn’t some puppy I just picked up from the shelter.’
Ryan rolled his eyes and walked back inside. Ellen took this as a sign to follow him, seeing as he hadn’t exactly slammed the door in her face.
‘I hear Amber and Jim…’
‘I don’t want to talk about it, Ellen.’
She followed him into the living room, slipping off her coat and throwing it over the back of the sofa. ‘If you want my opinion…’
He turned around to face her, his eyes dark and determined. ‘I don’t.’
‘You deserve better than Amber Sullivan.’
‘I said, I don’t want your opinion, Ellen. I really don’t care what you or anyone else says or thinks because your opinions mean fuck all to me. Do you understand? Your opinion is pointless.’
‘Okay. If that’s the way you feel.’
Ryan frowned as he looked at her. ‘Why are you here, Ellen? I mean, I thought you were all loved-up with Brandon Palmer.’
‘Have I ever said that?’
‘I kind of got the idea that you were, seeing as every time I see you you’re hanging off his arm like some WAG.’
She smiled slightly as she walked over to him. ‘That’s not very nice, Ryan.’
‘I’m really not in the mood, Ellen. Just go home, will you?’
‘I wanted to make sure you were alright, that’s all.’
‘What am I? Some twelve-year-old who’s had a row with his best friend? I’m fucking fine, okay? Now, can everyone please get off my back and leave me alone?’
‘You’re certainly acting like a petulant child,’ Ellen said, turning her back on him as she walked away.
Ryan reached out and grabbed her by the waist, swinging her back around to face him, pulling her agains
t him and kissing her so hard and so quickly she almost forgot to breathe. ‘Is that what you wanted, huh?’ he sneered, keeping a tight grip on her. ‘Is that what you came for?’
Ellen didn’t struggle to free herself. She stayed right where she was, smiling as she gently stroked his face, letting her fingers run over his chin, which was rough with heavy stubble. ‘I care about you, Ryan. More than I’ve ever cared about anyone. And the way you’ve been treated by Amber, it’s wrong.’
‘I loved her, Ellen. I still do love her.’
‘But you’re wasting your time, baby, don’t you see? Because she will never love you back. Not the same way you love her. She isn’t capable of doing that.’
‘How do you know what she’s capable of?’
‘Because I see the way she looks at Jim Allen. The way he looks at her. And anyone else just doesn’t matter. They’re two selfish people who deserve each other.’
‘And what does that make you, huh? I mean, here you are, with me, when you’ve got a boyfriend at home who has no idea his girlfriend is after another man.’
Ellen laughed quietly, taking a small step back, but not far enough away to be out of his arms. ‘Is that what you think? That I’m after you?’
‘Aren’t you?’
‘I think you deserve someone who really cares about you.’
‘And that’s you, is it?’
‘You could do a lot worse.’ She moved a little bit closer, sliding a hand around the back of his neck. ‘You could do a lot worse.’
He pressed his hand harder into the small of her back, pushing her against him, kissing her again, only slower this time. And she responded with the tiniest of moans, her fingers burying themselves in his hair as the kiss became deeper, longer.
‘We shouldn’t be doing this,’ Ryan whispered, even though every inch of him was crying out for something to take his mind off Amber. And if Ellen was quite happy to sleep with him, the way he felt right now he was more than up for it. Or he would be, if he could just get rid of that last, lingering feeling of guilt. What the hell was wrong with him? The old Ryan Fisher wouldn’t have hesitated for even a second over this decision. ‘We shouldn’t…’
She put a finger to his lips, shaking her head. ‘We shouldn’t, what? Follow our hearts?’
Was he really following his heart? Because this wasn’t exactly the direction he wanted it to go in. Not really.
‘Come on, Ryan. What happened to that hot, sexy player I used to know? The one who wouldn’t think twice about making his move, especially if someone’s holding it right there on a plate for him.’
That person felt like a lifetime ago for Ryan. ‘Have you got no self-respect?’
Ellen smiled, slipping a hand up under her dress and wriggling out of her knickers. ‘Just fuck me, Ryan.’
And who was he to argue?
*
‘I really do have to get back to Newcastle,’ Jim groaned as Amber slid back into bed beside him. ‘But when a beautiful, naked woman is lying right beside me, what am I supposed to do?’
‘Have some willpower?’
He laughed, pulling her against him, kissing her slowly. She tasted of mint and toothpaste, and a life he wanted. ‘I’m done with willpower. Maybe I want to give reckless and spontaneous a go.’
‘You’re the least spontaneous person I know, Jim.’
‘Yeah, well, times are changing, baby.’
She smiled, closing her eyes as his mouth lowered down onto hers again, and she held onto him tightly because she was truly scared to let him go. All the pain and the hurt of the past year wasn’t forgotten; it was still there, and she still felt it all with a fresh reality every time she looked at him. Even now, as they made plans for a brand-new future and the life they’d tried to make together for so long, she still felt that fear that she’d lose him again. She probably always would. She’d just have to learn to fight harder, that was all. To make sure she didn’t lose her grip quite so easily this time. To make sure she never gave him a reason to doubt them ever again.
‘So, we’re gonna do it, then?’ he asked, his forehead resting against hers, his thumb lightly stroking her cheek.
She nodded, laying her hand over his, their eyes locking, her stomach turning over and over with a mixture of nerves, fear and excitement. ‘Yeah. We’re gonna do it.’
He smiled, that wonderful, beautiful smile of his which lit up his face and made her fall in love with him a hundred times over. ‘Okay. I’ll call Gavin Kilpatrick at Endleigh this morning, and get the ball rolling. Then I’d better go and talk to the board at Newcastle Red Star. It won’t be pleasant, but it’s gone way past being just about football now. This is what I need to do. What we need to do.’
Amber felt her stomach flip over again as the reality of what they were doing hit home for her. This was really happening now. Her life was about to change all over again. But it wouldn’t just be her life that was changing; Ryan’s was going to change, too. Because, no matter how much Jim tried to tell her she wasn’t taking Rico away from him, she was. That was exactly what she was doing. Hundreds of miles would soon separate father and son, instead of the few that kept them apart now. Dropping in at any time to see his baby would cease to be something he could do, and Amber felt that guilt hit her head-on.
‘He has no say in this, Amber.’ It was almost as if Jim had read her mind.
‘Doesn’t he? Rico is his son, Jim.’
‘And nobody will ever stop him from seeing him. Nobody.’
Amber sighed, turning over onto her back, flinging one arm up above her head. ‘Nothing is ever simple, is it?’
‘Life would be pretty boring if it was.’
She closed her eyes again, as though blocking out everything she was going to have to deal with would just go away if there was nothing but blackness in front of her.
‘You do realise that you’re also taking on my child, and not just me, don’t you?’ she whispered, aware that his fingers were trailing lightly up her legs now, his breath warm on her cheek as he kissed her neck. ‘And you do realise that Rico comes first now. I love you, Jim, but you ceased to be the most important man in my life the second I gave birth to that little boy.’
He stopped what he was doing and Amber opened her eyes.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘What was it like? Giving birth, I mean.’
‘Painful. Next question.’
‘Was Ryan there? Was he with you, when it happened?’
‘Only just… look, do we have to talk about this? I don’t really want to…’
‘Did he see his son come into the world, Amber?’
‘Did you see yours? Were you there when Brandon was born?’
‘You know I wasn’t. And that was a completely different situation. There were no feelings involved, I didn’t love his mom…’
‘But you love your boy.’
‘You’re changing the subject, Amber.’
She reached up and gently touched his cheek, stroking his skin, her eyes staring deep into his. ‘This has nothing to do with us, Jim.’
‘You and Ryan, you shared one of the most special experiences two people could ever share. And that kills me, Amber.’
‘Do you regret it? Not being there when Brandon was born?’
He took her hand, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it gently. ‘Now I do, yes. Which is why it hurts even more to know Ryan was there with you when Rico arrived.’
‘It still couldn’t make me love him the way I love you, Jim. Do you understand that? Yes, it was an incredible experience, but I would give up everything I have to have shared that experience with you. Not Ryan. Even through the most painful of contractions I wanted you there with me. You. Not Rico’s dad. I wanted you. The first alarm bell rang that night, Jim, drowning out everything else my head was trying to tell me. It rang out loud and clear; even when I was holding Ryan’s child in my arms, I wanted you.’
‘Jesus, Amber, we handled all this so fucking badly.’
‘He could have been my baby, if we’d just tried that little bit harder.’
She shook her head, her hand still resting against his cheek. ‘Don’t go back there, Jim. Please. Don’t go raking over the past. What happened, happened. And there isn’t a thing we can do to change it. All we can do is try to move forward and deal with all the problems and complications that are going to be thrown at us in the best way we can. And if we love each other, we can do that. We can do that, Jim. Together.’
He threw his head back for a second, and Amber watched as fresh tears fell from his eyes, her heart physically aching as everything he was feeling seemed to flood through into her.
‘I love you so much,’ she whispered, her voice faltering as she watched him almost fall apart in front of her. She’d never seen him like this before; never seen him so vulnerable, so real. But the pressure of keeping up that controlled and slightly harsh front was quite obviously becoming too much now.
He smiled and she wiped away yet more tears, sliding a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him down for another kiss, opening her legs to let him lie between. She needed to feel him close, to feel him against her before she had to let him go. Before he left her to start making the plans that would change their lives, plans that still scared her, but it was all she wanted now. A new life with the only man she could ever let herself love. And this time she wasn’t going to fight it.
‘I am so, so sorry, for everything,’ Jim whispered, his eyes staring deep into hers, and she gasped quietly as she felt him gently push inside her.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ she breathed, pulling her legs up around him. ‘None of it. It doesn’t matter.’ Maybe that was a little lie. Some of what had happened mattered a great deal, but right now she meant it. Right now it didn’t mean a thing. All that mattered was that he was with her, beside her, inside her. He loved her. And how badly had she wanted that only a few months ago? How badly had she wanted that, forever?
Arching her back she moved her hips up against his, wrapping her legs around him as he pushed harder, his hands in the small of her back pushing her up towards him, and she cried out as she felt him touch her so deeply it sent the most incredible shivers coursing through her entire body. For over two decades this man had been her life. Her world. Yet only now did she feel he was truly hers.
Final Score Page 9
