‘Is this my fault?’ he whispered, pushing her hair back off her face, his other hand firmly in the small of her back. ‘Is this because of what I did to Ryan?’
‘I’m not gonna lie and say it doesn’t have something to do with it, because it has everything to do with it. I tried to pretend it didn’t matter, but it does matter. What you did was wrong. He didn’t deserve it, and I’m not saying that because he means anything to me, but he’s Rico’s dad, and I have to care about him, for our son’s sake. Does that make sense? You’re a father yourself, Jim, so you must understand…’
‘He’ll make a move, Amber. With you up there and me down here – he’ll try.’
‘He can try all he likes. But the only relationship Ryan Fisher and I have now is as parents to our baby. That’s all.’
‘But that’s one hell of a fucking bond there and I don’t know if I…’
She put her fingers to his lips again, silencing him. ‘This is a short and temporary break, Jim. That’s all. We aren’t separating, we aren’t making anything official, and I will be doing my utmost to make sure the media get that. Things have just got all crazy and out of hand and they need to calm down. Everybody needs to calm down. Then maybe we can all get back to normal.’
‘And you think you walking away is going to sort all that out?’
She shrugged. ‘I don’t know. And I don’t really care. Like I said, I’m not doing this for anybody – except us. I’m doing this for us because I don’t want to lose you, Jim. I don’t.’
‘I’m finding that so hard to believe, Amber. Baby, I don’t know if I can do this.’
‘You can. Darling, you can. Remember the Amber Sullivan you fell in love with? And I’m not talking about that sixteen-year-old kid with an infatuation. I’m talking about the strong-willed, feisty woman you came face to face with a couple of years ago. Remember her?’
He nodded, his fingers gripping her hand so tightly it was beginning to hurt.
‘I need her back, Jim. I need to find her again, because she’s lost somewhere amongst all these confusing feelings and people trying to tell me what they think is best for me. I lost her. And I need her back.’
‘But that Amber didn’t love me,’ Jim whispered.
‘Oh, she did. Believe me, she did.’
He threw his head back, letting out a heavy sigh. ‘This is fucking crazy.’
She tried to let go of him, but he pulled her back, his arm circling her waist again, pushing her against him. ‘I’m not saying goodbye, you got that? Because you’re gonna be back here, before I even know you’re gone. You’re gonna be back here, in my bed, and I’m gonna be making love to you as though you’ve never been away. Okay?’
She smiled, reaching up to touch his cheek, rubbing it gently with her thumb. ‘Okay.’
‘I love you, Amber. And don’t ever doubt that. I love you.’
‘I love you, too.’
And with every beat of her heart she hoped that love was strong enough. She hoped.
*
‘I will never be able to keep up with you, kiddo. When the hell did all this happen?’
‘I don’t know, Max.’ She zipped up her case and hauled it off the bed, opening another drawer and picking up a pile of stuff that she threw straight into another case. ‘I really don’t know.’
Max leaned against the doorpost, folding his arms. ‘What’s happened?’
‘Nothing’s happened.’
‘Yeah, well, call me suspicious, Amber, but you’re here throwing clothes into suitcases while telling me you’re moving back up to Newcastle for a fortnight. Ryan’s in a mood that has nothing to do with the punishment the F.A. has just given him this afternoon, because he got off rather lightly on that score. And Ronnie White is walking around the Cloud Sports complex with a bruise on his chin and a cut lip that he didn’t get from bumping into a door in the canteen. Not to mention the fact you’re going back to work for News North East…’
‘I’m not going back to work for them, Max.’
‘What are you doing, then? Because, despite the fact I’m your agent – something you appear to forget about on a frequent basis – the first I heard of any of this was the second I walked through your front door twenty minutes ago.’
‘I’m doing a programme for Cloud Sports on the state of football in the north-east, that’s what I’m doing. And Kevin has kindly allowed me to work from the News North East offices while I’m up in Newcastle. And while I’m there I might do one or two pieces for them. For old time’s sake. We’ll have to see how things go.’
‘Thanks for filling me in. A spur-of-the-moment thing, was it?’
She looked at him. ‘What do you want me to say?’
He arched an eyebrow, his arms still folded across his chest.
She sat down on the edge of the bed, her shoulders sagging. ‘Ever since I had my suspicions about Jim being the one to expose Ryan and his involvement with that betting ring – it’s been hard to deal with, Max. And I tried, I did. I tried to believe that what Jim did was a mistake, that he hadn’t really meant to hurt Ryan. But I was kidding myself. His only intention in life seems to be to want to hurt Ryan, and I need to step back from it all for a while. I need to lose myself in something that doesn’t involve me having to think about all of this for a few days. Even though, in reality, it’s all I’m going to think about. But at least I can do it alone, without any of them on my case, trying to fill my head with their own thoughts, their own reasoning…’
‘Any of them? Who are we talking about, exactly?’
‘You know who, Max. Ryan, Ronnie, Jim… all of them. It’s too much, having them all coming at me – having them all going for each other.’
Max sighed, looking down at the floor for a beat or two. ‘And Ronnie was involved in a set-to with, who?’
‘Jim.’
‘Jesus, Amber. You’ve got enough going on in that complicated life of yours to keep the tabloids going for a year. So, you having second thoughts about being Mrs. Jim Allen?’
She shook her head, standing back up. ‘No. Never. I love that man like crazy, I just need some time out, that’s all. Because I don’t think I’ve really taken any of that for a long time, Max.’ She stopped what she was doing and looked at her agent. ‘What did happen at Ryan’s hearing?’
‘He got a three-match ban.’
‘Is that all?’
Max shrugged. ‘What can I say? We had some very persuasive people on our side.’
‘Has he gone back to Newcastle already?’
‘Left on the 14.25 flight out of Gatwick. He should be home right about now. And what time are you heading for home?’
‘I haven’t actually booked any flights yet. I thought me and Rico could just head off to the airport, see what flights are available, and if there’s nothing today we can spend the night in a hotel. It’s not a problem.’
‘I’m going back up for a few days. You can come with me. I’ll get my assistant to book the seats. I take it Fisher junior just sits with his mum, am I right?’
She nodded. ‘Max, are you really going up north for a few days?’
He reached into his pocket for his electronic cigarette. ‘I am now.’
Chapter Twenty-Five
‘This is freakily like old times,’ Kevin said, placing a mug of tea down in front of Amber.
‘Except you never made me one cup of tea in all the time I worked at News North East.’ Amber smiled, leaning back in her chair, sticking the end of her pen in her mouth.
Kevin perched himself on the edge of her desk. ‘Yeah, well, it’s like having royalty in the office, having you back. I mean, you’re a bit of a celebrity now, aren’t you? The face of Cloud Sports football, wife of one of the country’s – probably one of the world’s – most successful football managers, glamour model…’
She kicked him gently in the shin.
‘That hurt!’
‘Good. Look, I got my tits out once for one photo shoot, can we just forget that
now?’
He looked at her, his expression changing slightly. ‘You still are the wife of one of the country’s most successful football managers, aren’t you?’
‘I explained all of this down in London, Kevin,’ Amber sighed, sitting up and logging into her email. ‘Yes, I’m still Jim’s wife and that’s a role I intend to keep. This is nothing but a short break that I really, really need. And you really, really don’t want to know the complicated ins and outs of my life right now.’
‘Anything to do with Ryan Fisher?’
‘It’s always to do with Ryan Fisher.’
‘Okay,’ Kevin said, sliding down from her desk. ‘I’ll leave you to it. But if there’s anything you need…’
She turned and smiled at him. She was so happy to be back in this office – even if it was only a temporary thing. It just felt so – so safe, being back where she’d always felt she’d belonged. A place that reminded her of a time when everything had been so simple, uncomplicated; a time when she’d been alone. ‘Thanks, Kevin.’
She turned to look out of the window in front of her, resting her chin in her hand as she stared outside at the view of the city centre just a short way out in the distance. She could see the Tyne Bridge from this window, too; a sight that always made her feel like she was home. And she could just about see Tynebridge Stadium if she squinted slightly. Home of Newcastle Red Star. Ryan’s club.
That was enough to make her turn back to her emails, sighing heavily as she saw how many she had to catch up with. Most of them were from the Cloud Sports offices, but there was also one from Ronnie and a handful from Jim. Maybe she should have checked them all earlier on her phone but she just hadn’t been in the mood. She’d just wanted to get settled into the house she’d rented for the fortnight, not far from the News North East offices. Rico was spending his days with her Aunty Kim over in Hebburn but she knew, at some point, whether she felt like it or not, she was going to have to face Ryan. He’d want to see Rico, too.
Her phone ringing made her jump slightly. She’d started to lose herself in the kind of thoughts she’d come back home to avoid, and she gave herself a little inner shake before she answered the call. ‘Amber Sullivan.’ She wasn’t using Jim’s name on a professional level. Not like the last time. Call her superstitious, but she’d just wanted to keep the name Sullivan this time around. Officially she might be Mrs. Allen, but professionally she was still Amber Sullivan.
‘Hey, beautiful.’
Her stomach flipped the second she heard his voice. ‘Jim, I… is everything okay?’
He laughed and she felt her heart start to beat faster. ‘Everything’s fine, baby. I just wanted to hear your voice.’
This really wasn’t fair. If he kept calling her, she wasn’t even going to get the chance to miss him because all he was doing was clouding her thoughts and making her think everything was all still okay. When it wasn’t. Not really.
‘I’m kind of busy, Jim.’ That was a lie. She wasn’t all that busy. Not today, anyway.
‘Amber, honey, this is killing me, you being up there and me being down here. This wasn’t how I envisaged our marriage to be.’
And she hadn’t envisaged him trying to play games with people she still cared about, but it had happened. And she was trying to deal with it as best she could, even though she still couldn’t quite work out whether what she was doing was actually going to make a difference or not. She just knew that she had to try. And this wasn’t helping.
‘I know it’s hard, Jim. It’s hard for me, too, it really is. But…’
‘I miss you.’
She closed her eyes for a second. He was doing it again. Even from hundreds of miles away he was reeling her in and filling her mind with nothing but thoughts of him and the things he could do to her that sent her crazy. And she wanted him. She wanted him so much.
‘I miss you, too.’
‘I should go, huh?’
‘I love you, Jim. You know that, don’t you?’
‘I know, baby. I know.’
She ended the call before she started saying things that were only going to render this whole trip back to Newcastle pointless.
‘Everything okay?’ Kevin asked, walking past her desk.
‘Everything’s fine.’ She looked at her watch. ‘But I think I’m gonna take a break now. Clear my head.’ She stood up, grabbing her coat from the back of her chair.
‘Amber?’
She looked up at her old boss. ‘Yeah?’
‘It really is good to see you.’
She smiled. ‘It’s good to see you, too.’ And right now, that was the only thing she was one hundred per cent sure of.
*
Jim sat back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling as though it was about to give him all the answers. But nothing could, not really. He still didn’t understand why Amber had felt the need to run back to Newcastle. But the thought that it was because of him terrified him. The thought that she’d run back home because that was where Ryan was terrified him even more.
Leaning forward, he opened his emails, none of which he could be bothered to read. Except one. From Max.
A smile spread across his face as he read it. A feeling of hope swept over him as he shut down his laptop. When it came down to it, Jim had always known this was a game he was never going to lose. It now felt as though, this morning, that certainty had just gotten a little bit closer.
*
It had been the perfect afternoon, just wandering along the streets of her home town. She’d only been away for a matter of weeks but it felt as though she hadn’t seen the place for so long. Too long. She’d spent an hour or so looking around Eldon Square, popping into some of her favourite shops, before heading down to the Quayside and a little independent coffee shop she always liked to visit when she was down by the river.
It had been nice, having some time to herself. She’d wished she’d had Rico with her, of course, but it really had been good to just sit and drink coffee and look out at the view of the North Bank, watching the world go by as the backdrop of the Tyne Bridge reminded her she was home. The sun had been shining and all around her people had been enjoying a mild spring day, and she’d wished – just for a brief second – that the past couple of years had been different. She’d never change the fact that Rico was in her life, and she’d never change the fact that her career had taken an upward turn she could never have predicted. But maybe there were other things she could have handled better. Things that, maybe, she would have changed. If she could.
Switching on the TV she turned up the volume. Rico was upstairs asleep and she needed something to take away the silence. She missed Jim with a pain that she really couldn’t describe, and even though having time to herself was what she still felt she needed, it didn’t mean it was easy. None of this was easy. She was still confused and angry and tired of everything being so complicated, but she missed him. She just wished she could forget what he’d done. She wished she could forget how much he’d hurt Ryan.
A knock at the door almost made her jump. She wasn’t expecting anyone. Her dad’s team had a home game that night so he was at work. Maybe her Aunty Kim had forgotten something when she’d dropped Rico off earlier. Pulling the robe she was wearing tighter around herself, she walked out into the hall. She hoped it wasn’t anything that was going to keep her from that glass of wine and good film she was looking forward to watching now she’d had that much-needed long, hot bath, which had really relaxed her. As much as anything could relax her at the minute.
‘You honestly think I’m gonna stay down there when my crazily beautiful wife is miles away?’
She felt her heart almost stop in her chest. It had only been a few days ago that she’d last seen him, but it felt like this was the first time she’d laid eyes on him in years. Which in itself was mad.
‘You shouldn’t be here,’ she said, trying to pull herself together. But she was failing.
‘Baby, I flew up here as soon as I could get away, and
I’m booked on a flight back to London in three hours’ time so believe me when I tell you I am desperate. To see you, to be with you… are you gonna let me in?’
She stood aside to let him through, closing the door behind him. ‘You flew up here, just for a few hours?’
‘That’s how much I’m missing you, Amber.’
She looked at him, taking in every inch of this man she was still so much in love with it hurt. He looked tired, but oh so handsome. So heartbreakingly handsome with those dark-green eyes and hair that was slightly longer than he used to wear it, but it only made him look sexier. Her beautiful American man. Oh, Jesus, what was he doing here?
‘Is Rico…?’
‘He’s asleep,’ she whispered, her eyes locking onto his as he stood there, his hands in his pockets. ‘But you really shouldn’t be here. This isn’t what we agreed…’
‘We didn’t agree anything, baby. This is all you. I didn’t want any of it. And, yes, I may have caused it, I realise that, but I still think we could have sorted all of this out without you running away.’
‘I wasn’t running away, Jim.’
He moved closer, reaching out to touch her cheek with the back of his hand. ‘Yeah. You were. You are.’
She closed her eyes as his mouth touched hers, ever so lightly, but enough to kick-start a chain reaction she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop. She was too weak and it was always going to be that way when he was with her. Which is why he shouldn’t be here, but now that he was…
‘You couldn’t just leave me alone, could you?’ she breathed, pushing his jacket back off his shoulders until it fell to the floor. ‘That’s all I asked of you. To leave me alone. Just for a few days.’
‘You don’t want me to leave you alone,’ he said, his voice barely audible, his mouth almost touching hers.
‘You know that, do you?’
‘I know that.’
‘You shouldn’t be here.’
‘So…’ He untied her robe, pulling it open. She was wearing nothing but tiny white knickers and his eyes instantly fell upon her breasts. ‘You don’t want me to do – this?’
Final Score Page 30
