‘So, you know what I’m thinking now, do you?’
‘Baby, I’m not sure even you know what the hell you’re thinking half the time. But I do think you want this. You just don’t realise how much.’
‘And I thought Ryan Fisher couldn’t get any more arrogant. Go and put some clothes on.’
He walked over to her, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘It was nice, last night. Just sitting, talking, watching TV. Like a proper family.’
‘I have a proper family.’
‘Do you? You have a husband you’ve left behind in London while you come back home to do what, Amber? What are you doing here? And if you’d really wanted to get away from everybody – from all of us – why did you come back here? Somewhere you knew I’d be. You could have gone anywhere, sweetheart. But you came here.’
‘And maybe now I’m just beginning to realise what a mistake that was.’
He shook his head, his thumb gently stroking her cheek. ‘It wasn’t a mistake.’
‘You really need to go now, Ryan.’
He let his fingers trail down over her neck, brushing over her collarbone, and she could feel every touch through the thin material of her shirt. She could feel it all, but she didn’t want to.
‘Remember the day he arrived, Amber? Our baby. Remember that day?’
‘I remember the pain.’
‘You were so beautiful. That’s what I remember. I ran into that room, hoping to God I hadn’t missed him coming into the world, and I saw you, so tired… Jesus, you looked tired, but you were so beautiful, Amber. You were my beautiful girl, and at that moment in time I’d never loved you more. What you gave me that day, it was huge. Rico is… he’s the most incredible thing to ever happen to me. Him, and you. Because you gave me every reason I ever needed to change the person I was becoming.’
‘You don’t have me, Ryan.’
‘I’m still so much in fucking love with you, do you know that?’
She shook her head, desperate to push him away, but it was as though her arms were suddenly made of lead. She couldn’t lift them, couldn’t make them do what she wanted them to do. ‘You have no right to say those things to me, Ryan. No right.’
‘I love you. I love that boy of mine and I love his mum. I love you, Amber.’
‘No,’ she whispered, finally finding the strength to push him away, running out of the room, breathing in deeply as she ran upstairs.
‘We need to talk, Amber.’ He’d followed her. Of course he’d followed her.
She swung around to face him, trying to stay calm and wishing more than anything that Jim was there. Her handsome American man. Her husband. She wished he was with her, to stop this from happening.
‘There is nothing to talk about, Ryan. I shouldn’t have let you stay here last night…’
‘But you did.’
‘And you’re reading way too much into that.’
‘Am I?’
‘You need to go.’
‘Is that what you want?’
She couldn’t help laughing. ‘I don’t believe you. Go and put some clothes on, and get out, okay? I need to get ready for work.’
He held his hands up in surrender. ‘Okay. Okay, I get it. I’m sorry. I’ll let myself out, alright?’
She breathed a sigh of relief. But shouldn’t she really have been prepared for this? She’d let him stay the night. And she hadn’t expected him to read anything into that? And she’d had the nerve to call Ellen naïve.
‘I’ll call you later, about Rico. Is that okay?’
She nodded. ‘Yeah. That’s fine.’ Closing the door behind her she leaned against it, closing her eyes and breathing in deeply. What the hell was she doing? This had gone far enough now. Was Ryan right? Had she, subconsciously, come back to Newcastle because some things were just a touch too familiar? Had she really let that happen? Maybe going further afield was something she needed to do. Maybe that’s what she needed to really get her focus back. Because this obviously wasn’t working.
She took a quick shower, hoping the blasts of cold water she forced herself to endure would knock some sense back into her and some rational thinking would finally start to take over. But it didn’t really help.
Grabbing a towel from the heated rail beside the shower she quickly dried herself, slipping on a pair of knickers before wrapping the towel around herself, taking the clip from her hair and shaking it loose around her shoulders as she stared into the mirror. She looked tired. All of this was supposed to be helping her get her head straight when all it was really doing was confusing her even more.
Running her fingers through her hair, she gave it one more shake before stepping back out into the bedroom.
‘You really thought I’d take any notice of you?’
‘Jesus, Ryan! What are you still doing here?’
He was leaning against the wall with his arms folded, still half-naked and a cocky smile on his far-too-handsome face.
‘You know, you could have any woman you wanted. Any woman, Ryan. And yet you still want to waste your time with me.’
He shrugged, his eyes never leaving hers. ‘If that’s the way I want to spend my time…’
‘You’re crazy.’
‘No, you’re the crazy one. For staying with a man who’s cheated on you, lied to you and treated you like crap for most of your life.’
‘Why are you still here?’
‘Because I think we’ve got unfinished business.’
She backed up against the closed bathroom door, clutching the top of the towel that was covering her. ‘Ryan, if we’re honest with each other, we’re probably always going to have unfinished business. So let’s just accept that, okay?’
He looked at her from across the other side of the room. It was a weird and slightly erotic Mexican stand-off, both of them standing there in a state of undress, and neither of them willing to move any closer, even though the air was charged with something Amber was choosing to ignore.
‘Please, Ryan.’
He said nothing, he just continued to stare at her, and she tried her hardest to break that stare, but he was making it so hard.
‘Ryan.’
He didn’t move, and she was starting to get angry now. Angry at him for still being here, and angry at herself for giving him the chance to do this in the first place. Her fault. When the hell had she become so weak?
She finally broke the stare, looking down at her fingers as they clutched the towel wrapped around her body.
‘You need to go, Ryan.’
‘It doesn’t matter how many times you keep saying that, Amber, I’m not going anywhere.’
She slowly raised her head, her eyes meeting his again. ‘You’re not being fair.’
‘And neither are you. You’re not being fair to me. You’re not being fair to Rico. And, most of all, you’re not being fair to yourself.’
She shook her head, her fingers gripping the towel even tighter. ‘I’m married.’
‘Oh, Jesus, Amber, believe me, we’re all aware of that fact. We all know you’re married.’ He started to walk over to her, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. ‘But I don’t actually care.’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t.’
‘But I do, Ryan. And I don’t want this. This shouldn’t be happening.’
‘Nothing’s happening.’ He stopped, just a few inches away from her. ‘Nothing.’
She felt a shiver run through her that she didn’t welcome. She closed her eyes and tried to think of Jim, but all that did was make her feel guilty. And then she remembered what he’d done to Ryan and the guilt changed. She felt angry, with Jim for lying to her and for doing what he’d done. For making her run – here. Straight to Ryan. Someone she’d vowed never to run back to. Yet here she was. And she hadn’t even realised she’d been running.
‘I won’t let you do this,’ she whispered, trying to ignore those dark-blue eyes and the sexy smile and those tattoos that were just so hot. She felt as if she couldn’t breathe; it was almost claustrophobic
in there now, yet the window was open and the room was full of fresh air.
‘I’m not doing anything.’ His hands were still in his pockets, but his eyes were staring into hers. ‘Unless you want me to.’
‘Please, Ryan. Just go. Please.’
He threw his head back, sighing quietly. ‘We made a baby, Amber.’
‘What’s that got to do with anything?’
He took a step closer, reaching out to touch her cheek, stroking it lightly. ‘He’s that bond that can never be broken. That one thing that will always keep us together, and I think he arrived for a reason.’
‘Stop talking, okay? Just, stop talking. I don’t love you and I don’t want this. I really don’t want this.’
‘You don’t have to love me.’
‘This is crazy…’
‘Then push me away. Go on. Push me away.’
Once again her arms felt as though they were made of lead, and she tried lifting them but they weighed a ton.
‘Push me away, Amber.’
She closed her eyes. Maybe part of her somewhere thought that if she closed her eyes, all of this would just go away. Yeah, that naïve part of her had suddenly come to the forefront.
But she kept them closed, and of course that was an invitation to him. A way of telling him it was okay, and she couldn’t see that?
She felt his fingers slide around the back of her neck, burying themselves in her hair, pulling her head back slightly as his lips touched the base of her throat so lightly that she felt another involuntary shiver run the length of her body. He was coaxing the memories she’d tried to forget out of her now, all of them rushing forward like a tidal wave of images playing out all at once inside her head – memories of him touching her, kissing her, making love to her in the most incredible way, because they’d had some great sex. Oh, Jesus, they’d had great sex!
Another shiver flooded through her as his other hand took hold of hers, lifting it up beside her head, their fingers intertwining, locking together as his eyes met hers.
‘Push me away,’ he whispered, his mouth almost touching hers now, and all Amber could hear was the sound of heart beating so loudly, she was positive he must be able to hear it too.
She couldn’t reply; she couldn’t get any words out because she was sure that if she spoke she was going to utter something that meant she was saying this was okay, and it wasn’t. It was so far from okay. It was wrong. But everything about her life right now was wrong. Would this make that much of a difference? What the hell was she doing?
‘Push me away,’ he repeated, goading her in an attempt to make her do something she really didn’t want to do. Because she didn’t want to do this – did she?
‘Ryan…’
She closed her eyes again, clinging onto his hand, her body tensing up as his mouth finally rested against hers. And she gave in, oh God, she was giving in to him! She was letting him kiss her in that wonderfully erotic way, with his mouth slightly open and his tongue touching hers. She was letting him do that, and she didn’t want him to stop. She wasn’t sure she could make him stop, even if she wanted him to. And he tasted so good; he felt warm and hard, his toned and taut body was still not quite touching hers, but almost. She could feel an overwhelming heat. And once again she felt her chest tightening; he was giving her no room to breathe.
‘No,’ she whispered, shaking her head as he took hold of the towel covering her. She looked up into his eyes, pleading with him. Where was that strength she needed right now? Where was her handsome husband?
She gave an almost resigned sigh as she pulled her hand away, allowing him to pull off the towel, throwing it aside, his eyes immediately lowering to look at her breasts. And she wished she wasn’t breathing quite as heavily, that her chest wasn’t heaving quite as hard and fast as it was because that was another sign she was giving him that this was going to happen. And it wasn’t. She was going to stop it. Now. She was going to stop it.
‘Ryan…’ she gasped, taking a sharp intake of breath as his hand cupped her breast, his thumb flicking over her nipple, which was already hard. He didn’t need to do any extra work in that department.
‘Do you know how many hours I’ve spent lately looking at those photos you did? Those naked-yet-showing-nothing pictures can give me a hard-on just thinking about them. Because I know what you’re hiding. I take those pictures out and I look at them and I remember how fucking hot you really are, and I can come a dozen times from just doing that, Amber. Looking at those pictures, imagining you with those incredible legs wide open; I can come a dozen fucking times.’
Her breathing was becoming more laboured now, listening to him talk, feeling him so close to her. She hadn’t let him stand this close since before Rico had been born, but she could still remember it. That night. She’d been almost nine months pregnant but, for some reason, when he’d initiated sex she hadn’t pushed him away. She’d let him hold her, his hand on her bump as he’d made love to her, pushing into her from behind with a force so gentle it had almost made her cry. And despite the fact she’d felt big and tired and not in the least bit sexy, he’d made her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world that night. And that was the last time she’d let him get so close because that was the last time she hadn’t thought of Jim. Was she thinking of Jim now? As Ryan’s fingers continued to stroke her breasts, his mouth on hers, he kissed her so deeply it felt as though she were drowning. Was she thinking of Jim as Ryan’s hand dropped lower, skimming over her hip, sliding down her thigh? Was she thinking of Jim now?
He pulled at her knickers, nudging them down just a tiny touch, leaving his thumb hooked into the side as he continued to kiss her. And the fact he was leaving them right where they were was probably the most erotic thing about this whole, wrong scenario. But it was exciting Amber way more than she wanted it to. She wanted it to stop, for him to leave her alone and walk away, yet there was another part of her that wanted him to slide his fingers so deep inside her – an ache he’d caused and one she couldn’t control.
Running a hand up over his taut, tattooed arm, she was aware that he was nudging her knickers down a little bit further now, both of his hands concentrating on that task. And that’s when it hit her. A cold reality. The realisation that this was wrong. That the only man she wanted to touch her like this was her husband. She wanted to feel his hands on her skin, his mouth kissing her, it was his body she wanted to feel inside her, not Ryan’s. Coming here had been a mistake. Letting him into this house had been a mistake. He might be Rico’s daddy but he was using that to do this to her, and she was letting him.
‘No, Ryan.’ She pulled his hands from her hips, pushing him gently away. Yes, he was hot. He was so fucking hot, and yes, he’d pushed her to the point where she’d almost given in to him, and she couldn’t deny she was turned on. She could feel that ache between her legs but it wasn’t for him, not really. Maybe it had started out that way, with his warm kisses and words that had caused her stomach to flip and her brain to become just a touch confused. But now she only wanted Jim. She wanted her beautiful American man, with all his flaws and faults; she could forgive them all. She would forgive them all. She just wanted him here. She wanted to put all of this crap behind her now and just be his wife. Wasn’t that what she’d always dreamed of? Spending her life as Jim Allen’s wife?
‘Amber, babe, come on!’ Ryan groaned, taking a step back, watching as she pulled her knickers back up. ‘I’ve got a hard-on from hell here.’
‘You’ll have to sort that out yourself. I’m sorry.’
‘You’re sorry? Are you kidding me? You’re standing there, practically naked, looking red-fucking-hot with those amazing frigging tits of yours. Since you had Rico, Amber, baby, those tits, they just got sexier, and they were fucking incredible before.’
She looked at him, cocking her head slightly but making no attempt to cover herself up. Was that fair? She didn’t really care any more. ‘Feel free to do whatever it is you need to do to ease any of that tensi
on, Ryan.’ No. She wasn’t really playing fair. But since when had life been fair? ‘You’re just not getting inside me.’
‘Jesus Christ, you can’t stand there and talk like that, Amber. You can’t behave like you just did, sweetheart, and expect me to deal with it… for fuck’s sake!’ He threw his head back. ‘We were almost fucking there!’
‘Almost,’ she whispered.
He looked at her, those dark-blue eyes of his verging upon sad, something Amber didn’t want him to be. He deserved to be happy. ‘I love you, Amber.’
She shook her head, her eyes locked on his. ‘No, Ryan. You think you love me, but you don’t. I’m just an infatuation, the older woman who just happened to tick all of your fantasy boxes.’
‘We made a baby together, Amber.’
‘You keep bringing that up as though it’s going to make some kind of difference. It isn’t. And as much as I would never, ever change the fact that Rico is here, he wasn’t exactly planned, was he?’
‘You wanted a baby.’
‘I wanted Jim’s baby.’
Ryan hung his head and pushed his hands back down into his pockets.
‘Ryan, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, that was… that was uncalled for. And it wasn’t fair, I know that, but…’
He looked back up at her, and once more she felt a pull on her heart she didn’t want to feel. ‘But it’s the truth.’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t know what the truth is any more, Ryan. But… me and you, we didn’t set out to start a family. Rico wasn’t a mistake, I could never call him that because he is the most incredible thing to have ever happened to me. But me and you…’
He moved a couple of steps closer, reaching out to touch her cheek, but she turned her head slightly, causing him to drop his hand.
‘Out of that mixed-up, crazy night came our little boy, Amber. All that pain, all those tears… I held you, because you were almost broken, baby. You were falling apart and I held you, and, yeah, maybe it shouldn’t have happened the way it did, but we made him that night. We made our baby. And he is that link forever now. One that can never be broken. He’s that link that means we will always be in each other’s lives, and we just have to get used to that.’
Final Score Page 34
