by Leona Fox
“But is it difficult to separate your relationship from the work you do together? It's all well and good, working on these cases, but when you go home together at night, is it still on your minds, or do you manage to get your alone time?”
“We have to make an effort at it. Sometimes it's tough because the cases we work on can be quite involved, but we both try to remind each other we do deserve our own lives as well. We've both known sorrow and I think we both realize it's important to keep some things separate. We're both too old for any drama so we've got a pretty good handle on things, at least I think so,” she said, laughing again.
It was surprisingly good to talk to someone about these things and as the conversation continued she found herself opening up to Paul more easily. She told him about a few of the things she and Andy did together to help forget about the job, like how they would read to each other or watch a movie, little things that reminded them why they were together.
“And recently I've been thinking a lot about the future. It's easy to forget about the rest of the world when you're in East Pender. It's like we're in our own little bubble and I'm aware that when I die I'm probably not going to be remembered. Just the other day I was at the cemetery thinking about everyone there and the thing that struck me the most was the tombstones that were being covered in moss and grass. All those people had lives. They loved and felt the same things we do, and yet they're forgotten. We're not like you, at least you're going to have your films. People are going to remember you long after you're dead but for people like me and Andy it's different. We have to make sure we make the most of our lives while we have the chance, and being with him is how I'm going about doing that.”
“What is it about him that attracts you most? What is it that made you fall in love with him?”
It was perhaps the most difficult question she ever had been asked. She had no idea how to go about answering it, the act of falling in love with Andy had happened so naturally and almost without her knowing. It was simply that one day she had awoken and these feelings had been a part of her. There didn't even seem to have been any choice about it; there was no way she couldn't love him. To distill the exact reasons was an impossible task and one that she put great thought into. She was searching her mind to try finding the qualities that she most admired, until she finally exhaled and gave up.
“You know, it's funny, but I can't actually answer that, I don't think. All the qualities I admire in him...they're present in other people but I think it's the unique combination that I love. There's never been anyone like him in my life. There's just something that when I'm near him I feel like it's where I belong, as though being with him is what my life has been leading to. It sounds a little corny, and sometimes I don't even believe myself when I say it, but that's the truth. I love him because he's him, and that's probably the best answer I can give.”
“Hearing you talk about him almost makes me believe in love,” Paul said.
“You don't?”
“I believe in feelings, but I think love is just something to control us. I've known a lot of people in the world and there have been many different versions of love. I've never known anything to last though, even when they claim they love them forever. I've seen married couples get destroyed and young hearts broken by life. Love is just as impermanent as everything else in the world.”
“So what do you do, just keep yourself alone? That sounds like a pretty miserable way to live. Sometimes you have to take a chance on love, even if you don't believe in it.”
“I'm never alone Ellen. Come on, I'm a millionaire and a Hollywood actor, you think my bed is ever empty? It's easy enough to indulge the physical sensations but the emotional needs...that's more difficult. I never would be tied down to anything like that. It's all a fleeting thing, like you say. We're only here for a limited amount of time so we may as well get the most out of life, shouldn’t we?” he said, looking at her with a wicked glint in his eyes. His eyes moved down and Ellen could feel them on her, and suddenly she felt vulnerable and unsettled.
“That's not really what I meant...” she said.
“Wasn't it? Or was it exactly what you meant? I'm going to be honest with you now Ellen. Ever since I came to this town I've been impressed with what it has to offer, which includes you. You're different from all the other women I know. I'm sure I would regret it if I did not pursue you. So what do you say? Do you- feel the same way?”
Ellen's eyes went wide as she could barely believe that he had asked the question. She tilted her head and looked askance at him, with her jaw dropping open. She half-expected him to begin laughing and pretend it was all a joke but instead he remained sitting there, resolute, looking at her expectantly, waiting for an answer.
“Are you serious?” she asked.
“Always. It's not so strange a thought, is it?”
“I don't know where you get off saying something like this but it's completely out of the question. How can you ask me about my love for Andy and then turn around and make a move on me? Do you have no respect or any sense of decency? You know, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt when you came to East Pender. Andy wanted to ignore you and send you back to Hollywood but I persuaded him to give you some time, to make sure you understood him but obviously you don't. I don't know how you're ever going to give a true portrayal of Andy because he has more honor in his little finger than you have in your whole body!”
Ellen raised her voice sharply and Paul seemed amused more than anything, which was not the reaction she was hoping to see. He moved languidly and sighed, pulling his notebook away from the table.
“It's no big deal,” he began, “this is just the way it's done in Hollywood. People take what they can get, and they give what they want. There's no need to be so outraged.”
“You're not in Hollywood anymore,” Ellen replied through gritted teeth, a steely look on her face.
“No,” Paul said, dispirited, “and I'm beginning to see this isn't the world for me. When I was going around town I thought maybe I could live in a place like this, but it's not meant for the likes of me. I've been changed by Hollywood. It turns you around, you know. You have all these roles and even when you're supposed to be yourself you're told how to act and what to say. Sometimes it's easy to forget who you really are.”
Ellen was a little touched by the melancholic tone of his words, but she still was rattled by his proposition and the anger had yet to subside. If Paul simply had come to her with these reflections she would have been happy to hear him out, but he had shown herself and Andy a profound lack of respect, and that she could not tolerate. Yet what happened next surprised her.
“It doesn't matter who you are. You're not Andy and you never will be. I love him, and I'm a one-woman man.”
At this Paul bowed his head and shook it slowly from side to side. His breathing became labored and deep, and Ellen was curious as to what was happening. For a moment she wondered if he was having some sort of attack. She was about to reach across the table to check on him when Paul bolted upright, startling Ellen. Paul rose from his chair and adjusted his posture, mimicking Andy's walk. He strode across the floor of the cafe and then returned to the table, sitting the same way that Andy would sit. He began speaking about the case.
“This gas bandit is really tough to catch. I don't know if we're ever going to get to the bottom of this,” he said, matching the cadence and tone of Andy's voice.
It was incredibly unsettling for Ellen to see so much of the man she loved in Paul, a man who she was at best indifferent to. Through her eyes she could see it was Paul and yet the things he was doing were so much like Andy that it confused her momentarily. The change was remarkable, and as quickly as Paul had become Andy, he changed back again.
“You see, I can become anyone I want,” he said, although there was a poignancy behind his smile. He then looked away, casting his eyes down to the floor as he pursed his lips.
“I think perhaps I have overstayed my welcome here. I
shall take my leave of you now. But before I go I want to know about Andy's past. If this film is a success there will be sequels and they're going to go into the tragedy of what happened. That promise is what first drew me to the role. I understand why Andy does not want to talk about it but I need to know so I can prepare. My career may depend on it.”
For the first time, Ellen got the impression Paul was being serious, as rather than wearing his aloof, smug expression, he was looking at her earnestly. At least he had some integrity when it came to acting. It was clear his career meant a great deal to him, in contrast to everything else in life. However, it was asking too much of Ellen.
“I understand why you need to know but it's not my information to give. If you want to know about that stuff you're going to have to get Andy to tell you himself.”
Paul gave her a grim laugh. “Thanks for the help anyway, what you told me has been...enlightening,” he said, and with that he left the cafe, leaving Ellen with her own thoughts.
His conversation with Ellen had not resulted in the things Paul had wanted, but it had given him an insight into their relationship, which was always useful. Although by now the wholesome goodness of East Pender was wearing thin and, as much as he admired this quality, he was missing the edge of L.A., and all the devilish delights the city of angels had to offer. He fully believed that if someone stayed in a place long enough they started to become that place and it was incredibly difficult to escape. He was envious of Andy for being able to begin a new life, but he saw no such fate for himself. As he walked through the streets of East Pender he resigned himself to the knowledge he never could live in a place like this. The quaint life he envisioned for himself never would come to pass. Then he approached Andy's house, and he had other things to worry about.
When Andy opened the door he made no effort to hide his expression of disdain and disappointment upon seeing Paul standing there.
“Evening,” Paul said.
“What do you want?” Andy asked defensively.
“I've spoken to pretty much everyone in town and I think I have most of what I need. So I'll be out of your hair soon, but there's something else I need to know about and I know you're not going to like it. I just spoke with Ellen and she wouldn't tell me anything about your past, but please Andy, I want this role so badly. I think the material in it could transform my career. I want to be taken seriously, you know? I want to be up there with the very best. I know I can be, and this character can take me there. Please, just talk to me about what happened so I know the thought process.”
“That character isn't me,” Andy said with a clenched jaw, “my brother...he made all that up.”
“All of it?” Paul challenged. Andy glared at him icily and stepped forward, lowering his tone until it was practically a growl.
“Whatever happened back then I got through it, okay? I want to leave that in the past. You're fortunate I indulged you this far. I'm not going to do it any further. Some things have to remain private. I was just an inspiration for that character. I'm not him. I never was, and I never will be, and the sooner you realize that the better you'll be. Use what you've learned if you like, but as far as I'm concerned you can do whatever you want with the role. If I ever watch the movie I'm not going to be sitting there worrying about whether it's like me or not, because it won't be. Now I suggest you get in your car and you go back to Hollywood because we're done here.”
Andy emphatically slammed the door in Paul's face. The actor remained there for a few moments, then turned and walked away into the night, frustrated he hadn't managed to get what he needed, but there was only so much he could do.
Meanwhile, back inside, Andy stood leaning against the door he just had closed. The anger was boiling in his blood and he had to take a number of deep breaths to calm himself down. He pinched the bridge of his nose and then cupped his face in his hands, trying to escape from everything. His fist curled into a ball and it slammed against the door three times before he finally pushed himself off and walked back into the house, into the kitchen. He opened a cupboard and pulled out a bottle of whiskey, staring at it grimly as he poured the golden liquid into a stout glass and slammed it back down his throat. He coughed and winced, then left the bottle.
He had taken so long to move on from his past yet he kept being dragged back, and it was all he could do to keep himself together. Paul sniffing around had been bad enough, especially since Ellen had insisted on him indulging the actor. He knew it had been a mistake from the start but he hadn't wanted to appear petulant in front of her, because he knew how much she wanted him to show that the past didn't affect him anymore. Yet it did...it kept coming back no matter how much he tried to forge a new path for himself. That damn case always would come back. It pursued him relentlessly like time itself, and there was no refuge from it.
With a heavy sigh he lurched from the kitchen to the office. The taste of whiskey lingered on his breath but the intoxicating effect was not strong enough, but it couldn't be. He had to be strong and resist. Already his demons had threatened to ruin his life once before. It wouldn't happen again. It couldn't. But there was only so much a man could take. The people of the town were hounding him about the gas bandit and there was no respite.
He walked to a filing cabinet and opened a drawer, then reached in the back to a folder that held within it typed letters. Over the past few weeks Andy had been receiving these yet had not told anyone about it. It pained him because he knew Ellen deserved to know but he didn't want her to worry. He sat down at his desk and looked through them again. Painful reminders of what had happened. Newspaper clippings. Somebody wanted him to remember his mistake and make him relive the tragedy all over again, but who? Who had tracked him down to East Pender? As far as he knew he was the only person who still even thought about the case, but somebody else evidently did, and it played on his mind to a great extent.
Was he always to be tortured like this? To never be allowed to forget? Yes, a child had died because he hadn't been there to save them, but was it fair that he never was allowed to be at peace himself? Rage boiled within and in a fit of anger he swept the papers off his desk. They fell to the floor, floating through the air. Andy sat with his head in his hands, clutching his hair, wishing for this endless nightmare to be over.
Chapter 8
While the gas bandit had been terrorizing the town and Ellen and Andy had been preoccupied with that and the constant irritant that was Paul, Kelly had been hiding herself away. She had heard Ellen knock on her door and call out to her, and it pained her to have to ignore Ellen's efforts to come inside, but Kelly needed to be alone. Her barriers were up and, although she appreciated Ellen for wanting to comfort her, all she needed to do was stay inside and paint. It was the only thing that ever had helped her work through her emotions. All through her life she had tried to be as upbeat and breezy as possible. This led some people to believe she was ditsy and lived in a world of her own making. Actually, it was just Kelly's way of trying to preserve her own sanity, for she felt things so deeply and was so empathetic that her entire body throbbed with pain in times of emotional anguish, and to be in the world was to torment herself.
She remembered back to her first breakup. Causing her boyfriend to break down in tears was a revelatory experience. It forced her to question the way she interacted with people. Not only did she bear her own pain after the breakup, but the pain of her jilted lover as well. It caused her to withdraw for the better part of a year. Throughout her adult life she had tried keeping her distance from strong romantic entanglements because she knew they only ever would end in one way, with her being hurt, and she wanted to avoid that pain as much as possible. It was human nature, after all.
This was especially true after her secret, for she knew she never would be able to reveal it to anybody. It had been truly difficult in some instances, like with Ellen. Then Matthew had come along in all his handsome glory. At first Kelly figured it was just going to be a casual thing. After all, he just was
coming off a divorce, but quickly it had turned into something more, something she hadn't expected. To her surprise she found it was good and she liked it, but always at the back of her mind there was the niggling, twisting reminder of her secret. So no matter how close they became there was still a part of her that was hidden from him, and he never would know her true nature.
Lost in an abyss of her own making, she was surrounded by the paintings she had made. She laughed morbidly, sneering at the things she had created, for she knew they all were worthless without Matthew. She missed him dearly, despite her best intentions. She tried to harden her heart against the anguish but it was impossible to do, and she didn't want to live her life without him. She had come so close to having something wonderful that she didn't want to let it slip through her grasp. She wanted to be better than that, so she battled with her own soul and wrenched the courage to tell him.
As though she were in a trance, she showered and dressed and made her way out of the house into the fresh air, which was a foreign taste on her tongue. The things she had to say were running through her mind, and she only hoped she would have the strength to say them when she saw him. For so long she had been trapped by the one thing she never could tell anybody. She knew the only way she could be free was to let it go, and even if Matthew did shun her for being a fraud at least she would be better in her own mind. It was perhaps the most difficult thing she ever had done, and as she drew closer to Matthew's home she had to force herself to continue.
Matthew found it impossible to hide his delight upon seeing her and welcomed her in, expressing concern for her well-being. Kelly's face was drawn and she wasn't her usual exuberant self. She staggered through to the lounge where Matthew joined her, sitting on opposite ends of the couch.
“I have something to tell you, and it's very difficult for me. So I'd appreciate it if you just let me talk and I'll try getting through it as best I can,” she said, and Matthew nodded. Kelly took a deep breath and summoned the willpower to dredge up the secret she had been holding onto for so long.
