ME: Right.
PSYCHIC: “I knew what I was doing. It was like playing Russian roulette. You think, this will never happen to me. On some level I thought I didn’t care if it did happen to me, because I wanted it so bad. I wanted relief.” She’s telling me that at the end you and she had started not to get along—I wouldn’t say you were estranged, she’s not saying that. She’s saying that you were getting on her about the drug use and she did not want to hear it.
ME: [Crying.] Yes.
PSYCHIC: That’s what she’s saying.
ME: Yes.
PSYCHIC: “It’s important”—these are your sister’s exact words—“that you recognize that you did everything you could for me and I know that now. I know that. I know everything you did was because you loved me. You told on me,” she says. You told your parents what was going on with her?
ME: Yes. I told my mom.
PSYCHIC: She was really mad at you. How could you do that, she said then, but not now. She totally understands now. She says, “I’m so grateful that you loved me enough to risk our friendship. I know how much you tried to help me. Christa, there was nothing more you could really do. You did everything you could.” She says your family had been talking about having an intervention right before this happened.
ME: Yes, that’s right.
PSYCHIC: One thing that I’m definitely picking up around the time that she’s tuning me into—your sister would have had none of it. Your sister was not in a place where she wanted to get help or wanted to get clean—
ME: That’s sort of true and sort of not true. She’d gone to get methadone on the morning she died.
PSYCHIC: So she went to get methadone, but she was still taking drugs.
ME: Yes.
PSYCHIC: Yeah. [Drawing out her words, sighing.] She wasn’t really ready. Well, you know—a lot of drug addicts use methadone. I mean, they go to the clinic and they get it, and then they turn it around and sell it on the streets—
ME: My sister would never do something like that. She was a good girl. She probably just wanted to get drugs she could use more consistently, or legally.
PSYCHIC: Exactly. That’s what that is. It’s not a cure for addiction; it’s a controlled substance. But, tuning in with your sister during that time in her life—no matter what she was saying to anyone around her, she was not in that place where an addict says they’ve had enough and want to get well. She just wasn’t. The reason I bring that up is, no matter what you would have done—if you and your parents had forced her into a clinic, she probably would have kept on using.
ME: Right.
PSYCHIC: They have to get to a place in their own minds where they really want it for themselves.
ME: I know.
PSYCHIC: I have addiction in my own family. I’ve seen it. It’s an awful feeling, because you’re watching someone basically kill herself. [Voice breaks.] You can’t do anything. You can’t get through to them. I just feel like you did everything you could have done—even if you took more drastic measures, she just wasn’t there yet. You couldn’t have changed the outcome.
ME: Will I be alone for the rest of my life now?
PSYCHIC: As far as the divorce, you mean? As far as having another relationship come in?
ME: Yes.
PSYCHIC: She says, “She’s very depressed, my sister.” Are you very depressed? Do you feel very depressed lately? Your sister is telling me you’re like, clinical depression. Have you talked to anyone about it?
ME: Of course I have. I lost my identical twin, for God’s sake. Anyone would be depressed. It’s fucking depressing.
PSYCHIC: Yeah, yeah.
ME: I’m getting better.
PSYCHIC: Yeah?
ME: I’m sorry. This is just emotional.
PSYCHIC: I know it is. Your sister is telling me you’re having a real struggle with depression. [Psychic pauses.] I think you might really want to consider calling my colleague.
ME: Right. [Irritated.]
PSYCHIC: I know he’ll talk to you initially at no charge. He’ll talk to you about what he does and the two of you can go from there. I’m only telling you this because I’ve worked with him for five years and he’s worked in grief recovery for twenty years. He’s fantastic.… It is possible to get better.
ME: Right, right. I know that and I’m getting there.
PSYCHIC: Yeah. [In disbelief.] You know if you need help, you should definitely get help. Sometimes we need an objective person to put things into perspective for us. What she’s saying to me is that it’s still really raw for you, the loss of her. Even though your sister has been gone for four years, your grief to me feels very raw.
ME: Right.
PSYCHIC: I can tell you that there is no formula.… You are still very raw and I think you need time to heal. I think that that is going to affect relationships coming into your life, in the short term.… Let me just see what your sister says about romance. [Pauses.] Are you in your late thirties now?
ME: I’m in my early thirties.
PSYCHIC: You’re in your early thirties, okay. Were you recently dating someone that you met through work?
ME: Yes. We met at an artist’s colony five years ago.
PSYCHIC: She’s showing me that that was never really going anywhere, right?
ME: No—well, I don’t know.
PSYCHIC: You’ve been on and off for five years?
ME: Yes.
PSYCHIC: Is he still married? Was he married when you met him?
ME: No.
PSYCHIC: You were married though?
ME: Yes, I was married.
PSYCHIC: He was not?
ME: No. I had an affair with him.
PSYCHIC: Was he living with somebody? I see him living with somebody.
ME: He had just ended a relationship when we met.
PSYCHIC: I’m seeing some overlap, though. I’m getting the feeling that he’s not been honest about that. He wasn’t clear with her or with you. This is the kind of guy who does that. Am I right?
ME: Maybe.
PSYCHIC: He’s moved on from her and you’ve moved on from your marriage?
ME: Yes.
PSYCHIC: But you guys are still in the same place that you’ve always been. You haven’t really advanced much farther in the relationship zone, right?
ME: Yeah. Yes.
PSYCHIC: The sense that I get from you guys is that—well, your sister says you definitely love each other. There is real love there. But, I’m almost getting the sense of like a sibling or really good friend energy. You have a really good friendship and a very close connection. You can confide in one another, even about other people. Like you guys date other people and talk about it.
ME: Right.
PSYCHIC: It’s kind of a complicated relationship, isn’t it?
ME: Yes.
PSYCHIC: It’s very complicated. There are a lot of facets to it. I’m going to tell you, you have a really strong connection to this guy—I think you’ve been together before in previous lives. I almost get a feeling, a really strong sibling kind of energy with the two of you. I really kind of wonder whether in past life-times you haven’t been siblings.
ME: Right.
PSYCHIC: I think there is some physical chemistry there, but I don’t think it’s that strong. I think the strongest connection you have is very good caring friends. Would you say that’s true?
ME: No. We have a very strong sexual chemistry. It’s hard to leave because of that. It’s complicated because he’s twenty years older than I am.
PSYCHIC: It’s definitely complicated. There is a lot of mixed-up energy there, and—you know, there is something there that is really positive. You are really there for one another when you need one another. I think that you have a certain trust together and you can count on one another.
ME: Yes.
PSYCHIC: There are some limitations on that, though. It seems you go to a certain point and that’s it.
ME: Yeah.
PSYCHIC:
This seems to be his doing. You want more and he won’t give it. Like, he doesn’t want things to go much beyond where they are.
ME: Yes, he’s afraid of that.
PSYCHIC: Uh-huh. Well, there’s something about his connection with you that makes him think that this is not marriage material, like a rest of his life kind of relationship.
ME: Okay.
PSYCHIC: I don’t know that I would spend your life waiting for him. But I don’t think that you are. It’s interesting. I feel like he could be in your life for a long time. I feel like it could be one of those scenarios that ten years from now, even if you’ve not talked to him in five years, you might pick up the phone or he might pick up the phone and just call you. There’s something interesting and connected about the two of you. I don’t see it ending in marriage, though. I see you being in each other’s lives for a long time, as friends.
ME: Oh.
PSYCHIC: Your sister is telling me there are some other choices for you on the horizon. There are some other men. I’ll tell you that this older man has been in your life for a very important reason. The one thing that he does for you—there’s something about him that provides a feeling for you of security. He somehow, even in his ambivalence, gives you a feeling of security and some stability.
ME: Yes.
PSYCHIC: He makes you feel safe. Gosh, he’s even got a little bit of a fatherly energy. I have to say, he’s the kind of person who is meant to be in the background of your life to help keep you on track. He’s there for you and provides for you a kind of emotional support that you have really needed throughout this time in your life, through your divorce and the loss of your sister. Do you know what I mean?
ME: Yes. That’s exactly the truth.
PSYCHIC: He’s not a bad guy. He’s just not the one for you. Your sister is telling me that it is very likely you will marry again.
ME: Okay.
PSYCHIC: There is definitely going to be the opportunity for marriage. If you didn’t marry it would only be because it would be your choice not to. Somebody is going to put that out to you.… And, I think you will say yes.
ME: Okay.
PSYCHIC: I’ve got to say that there is something very important that you need to accomplish first, before you love. I think this phone call might be part of that. You need to finish up the healing process before you really move forward with a relationship. Does that make sense to you?
ME: Yes.
PSYCHIC: You need to get some closure and peace. You need to close the book on your grief.
ME: Could you ask my sister if she knows anything about a book?
PSYCHIC: Yeah. Is this a book you put together yourself, a handmade book, something that you put together, your creation?
ME: [Silent.]
PSYCHIC: Like a scrapbook or a book of photographs?
ME: I made photographs of my sister, yes.
PSYCHIC: Is it a book you did for her? A memorial book?
ME: No. I’m writing a book about her. Her book is in my book.
PSYCHIC: Okay. She’s talking about it like it’s your creation. The book is your creation and it’s somehow a memorial of her. So, yes, she knows about it.
ME: Mmm hmm.
PSYCHIC: Mmm hmm. She’s been helping you with it a little bit. As you’ve been writing it, I don’t know if you can tell this—but she’s almost been writing through you.
ME: Yes, that’s correct.
PSYCHIC: Yep. I’ll tell you—I don’t know, did you read my book?
ME: No.
PSYCHIC: Well, my book is a lot like your book. There are spirits that I talk about in the book that literally wrote right through me. I mean, I was pretty aware that I was not writing it. As I was writing it certain sections were just coming to me and I didn’t know where they were coming from. Does that make sense?
ME: Yes.
PSYCHIC: I’m definitely getting the sense that your sister is doing that in your book. I mean, she’s telling me that you can literally hear her talking, hear her words.
ME: That’s correct.
PSYCHIC: Well, that’s really her. Just like she’s speaking to me and through me to you, she is doing the same thing with you. It’s called clairaudience.
ME: Right.
PSYCHIC: You’re kind of, in a way, doing a type of automatic writing.
ME: Right, right.
PSYCHIC: She keeps showing me—and I don’t know if you’ve figured out the front cover of the book or not, but, I keep seeing a collage of photos. Like you’d lay down a bunch of photographs and photograph those and put them on the front cover of your book. It has a very scrapbooky look to me.
ME: I don’t like that idea at all.
PSYCHIC: She says, “It’s a tale of two hearts.”
ME: Really?
PSYCHIC: A tale of two hearts, yes. Have you thought of the title?
ME: No.
PSYCHIC: Yeah! She kind of shows me that as a title.
ME: I’d actually picked something else out I like better.
PSYCHIC: Better than a Tale of Two Hearts?
ME: I call it Her.
PSYCHIC: I think you’re planning on publishing this, aren’t you?
ME: Yes. I hope so.
PSYCHIC: Your sister definitely knows about the book. She’s helping you with the book. Did you have some other things you’d like to ask her?
ME: I don’t have anything else to ask her.
PSYCHIC: She misses you very much and she loves you. “It’s not as hard for me as it is for you,” she says. For her she can really be around you and visit you. The dead can see us. They don’t feel very far away from us themselves—they don’t perceive it that way.… I can tell you that she is definitely around you and she’s definitely helping you with the book.
ME: Does she think that the book will be okay?
PSYCHIC: “It’s a bestseller. I think it’s a bestseller.”
ME: Yes!
PSYCHIC: Your book is going to do really well. “There are a lot of different publishing options,” she says. Do some homework and shop around. If you need any help with that, you know, I can help you with that. I have a great publisher.
ME: I guess those are all of the questions that I have. Does she have anything else she’d like to say to me?
PSYCHIC: She says, “I know it’s kind of a cliché, but mostly, I just want to tell her, I’m sorry, how very sorry I am. For the poor choices that led to my untimely and premature death, I’m sorry. The funny thing about being here on this side is you are painfully aware of how much your actions and your choices affect the people around you. I am painfully aware of how much I hurt the people in my life, the people that loved me. From where I am it’s the hardest pill to swallow, no pun intended. It’s the hardest thing I have to live with every day, how much pain and suffering I’ve caused my family. Nothing can ever change that. In a way, it’s my cross to bear in this life, the spirit life. My only salvation for that is not forgiveness from God, but forgiveness from the people I’ve harmed.”
ME: I’ll give her that. I forgive her.
PSYCHIC: You might want to read my book. I actually talk about that, what she’s talking about. I really explain that and how the spirit side works.
ME: Yeah, right.
PSYCHIC: She says, “For the most part I’m just sorry for the pain and suffering I’ve caused, especially with my mom.” There isn’t a day that goes by that your mother doesn’t think of her, you know?
ME: Of course not.
PSYCHIC: “It’s hard for me to live with,” she says. “I lived a very selfish life. I was self-absorbed.” She says, “You know, all drug addicts are narcissists. There’s no beating around the bush about it. I’m not saying I didn’t have my share of problems. But it still wasn’t an excuse for the way I behaved.” She says, “I’m not as much sorry for the damage I did to my own life, I’m okay where I am now.” She has a lot of regret for the collateral damage that she caused. She says, “You know, I spend most of my tim
e here trying to figure out ways to clean up the mess I made.” She’s trying to get through, get through to you and your family. She’s working behind the scenes, doing what she can.… She says to tell you that she loves you. The most important thing for her is for you to live your life to the fullest and to be the happiest you can be. For her to know or feel like you can’t be happy in your life without her, or because of her—that’s the worst thing she can imagine. “I have to live with that fear,” she says.
ME: I know. I’d just feel better if I could find a real partner and have a family.
PSYCHIC: You will. He’s coming or he may already be on the scene, but you will have someone. The thing is, you have to let the pain of losing your sister go. One thing I know, because she’s telling me, is that the only way for her to be relieved of her burden of guilt for dying is to have you release her from it by moving on.
ME: I’ll try.
PSYCHIC: About the book—she believes it’s very cathartic. Do you know what cathartic means?
ME: Yes, but I don’t think that’s the right word for memoir writing. Vacationing in Hawaii is cathartic. Writing a memoir is like getting clanged on the head with a frying pan.
PSYCHIC: You should read my book. Not because you should buy my book, but because I think you’ll connect with some of the experiences I went through and talk about in the book, with writing the book. I went through a whole process also.… Some things I couldn’t understand until I put them down on paper. I feel that happening with your book and with your sister.
ME: I’ll keep that in mind.
Chapter 29
I dispersed Cara’s ashes in Hawaii, Thailand, Germany, and Hollywood. I’d scattered her worldwide even before D and I traveled to Venice. My sister has no grave marker, no memorial plaque, no stone with her name carved above a date. It was my choice that she have no resting place.
Our family plot is in Schenectady, New York. Acres and acres of rolling hills that once abutted the forest are now directly beside a suburban shopping mall. To visit a relative there means also to be in full view of Macy’s and Sears and shoppers rolling their filled carts to waiting SUVs. I refused to abandon Cara in a dismal scrubby plot, in full view of mall employees and bargain hunters.
Her: A Memoir Page 23
