by Duncan Ball
‘No, no, not here!’ Selby thought. ‘Anywhere but here! Please say no!’
‘Yes,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘I’d be happy to put him up. Dr Trifle and I will be out a lot of the time so I hope he won’t mind looking after himself.’
‘I’m sure he won’t mind. But he really won’t be alone anyway,’ Camilla said, looking down at Selby. ‘He’ll have Selby to keep him company. In fact, I’ve always thought that Selby was quite a bit like the Selby in the books. Selby might even give him some story ideas.’
‘Oh, no,’ Selby thought. ‘But hang on. What am I worried about? He’s never actually seen me. The only times I’ve been with him I was wearing my dog-suit disguise. I’m just going to have to be extra-especially careful. One little slip-up and my life will be ruined forever. This is going to be a real challenge.’
* * *
Half an hour later, a dented and dusty car drove up and out stepped Duncan.
‘It’s a pleasure to meet a real live author,’ Mrs Trifle said, shaking his hand.
‘And it’s a pleasure to meet a real live mayor,’ Duncan said with a laugh. ‘And a real live inventor, too. Pleased to meet you, Dr Trifle. Thank you so much for agreeing to put me up. And this must be Selby,’ Duncan added. ‘He looks very friendly.’
‘He is,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘And we love him to bits.’
Duncan bent down and, brushing some crumbs from Selby’s mouth, gave him a good pat.
‘Do you have a dog?’ Dr Trifle asked.
‘No, I’ve only got a cat. I was thinking of getting a dog but I was afraid that it would make Selby jealous.’
‘Do you mean that there’s a real Selby?’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘A real talking dog that rings you up and tells you his stories and you just write them down? I thought he was just … made up.’
‘Oh, no,’ Duncan said. ‘I could never make up such unbelievable stories.’
‘So what is Selby like?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘All I know is that he’s not too big and not too small and that he’s a bitser — a bit of this and a bit of that. That’s what he tells me, anyway,’ Duncan said, looking at Selby’s worn collar. ‘What sort of dog is this guy?’
‘We’re not quite sure,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I guess he’s like Selby — a bit of this and a bit of that.’
‘He looks like a cross between a terrier and a pit bull. That would make him a terribull dog,’ Duncan said and laughed. ‘Get it? A terrier and a pit bull:terribull?’
‘Oh, I get it,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Or maybe he’s one of those dogs that looks for trousers.’
‘There’s a dog that looks for trousers?’ Dr Trifle asked.
‘Yes, a cross between a Newfoundland and a Dachsund, a New Found Dacks Hound. Get it?’
‘Oh, no,’ Selby thought. ‘That’s funny. But I’ve got to keep from laughing.’
‘Hey,’ Duncan said, staring at Selby. ‘Did I just see a tiny smile on this guy’s face?’
‘Did you?’ Mrs Trifle asked, looking at Selby, too.
‘No, just kidding,’ Duncan laughed.
‘Those jokes sound like the dog jokes that our comedian friend, Gary Gaggs, tells,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Like the one about the Christmas plant dog. It’s a cross between a Pointer and a Setter — a Pointsetter.‘
‘It’s interesting that you have a friend who’s a comedian. Selby’s owners, the Trifles, also have a friend who’s a comedian,’ Duncan said, taking a closer look at Selby. ‘Do you suppose your dog, Selby, might be a talking dog?’
‘A talking dog? I don’t think so.’
‘Of course if he was,’ Duncan said, ‘he’d be a cross between a Bloodhound and a Labrador. A blab-rador. Get it? A talking dog.’
‘This is beginning to make me feel very uneasy,’ Selby thought. ‘I wish this guy would just get out of here.’
Suddenly Mrs Trifle looked at her watch.
‘Look at the time!’ she exclaimed. ‘Drop your things in the spare bedroom. You’re due at Bogusville Primary School in five minutes.’
Which isn’t their real name. (Are you with me?)
‘Thanks for reminding me,’ Duncan said. ‘Oh, and could I take Selby with me?’
‘Selby? Certainly — but why?’
‘I’m going to pretend to the kids that he’s the real Selby,’ Duncan said. ‘Besides, they’ll be much more interested in seeing a real live dog than a real live author.’
‘Oh, no,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m going to have to be super-duper extra-especially careful.’
Duncan read Selby stories to the children all afternoon while Selby sat on a chair beside him.
‘Selby here rings me up and tells me these stories,’ Duncan said, ‘and I just write them down. He says that he can’t write them because he’s a very slow typist. But, just between you and me,’ Duncan added, looking over at Selby, ‘he’s a pathetic storyteller. I have to rewrite the stories to make them better. And I try to make them funnier, too. Selby can be a bit too serious.’
‘He’s smiling at me,’ Selby thought. ‘Everyone’s looking at me. I’ll just pretend I don’t notice.’
‘Is he really Selby, the talking dog?’ a girl asked.
‘I don’t really know,’ Duncan answered. ‘He could be. Or maybe the real Selby is your dog.’
‘But my dog is a girl-dog.’
‘Selby could be a girl-dog. He made up the name Selby so that no one could find him. He also made up the name of the town he lives in and the names of his owners. So maybe he made up the fact that he’s a boy-dog. Quite frankly, I can’t tell when I talk to him on the phone if he’s a girl-dog or a boy-dog. By the way, if any of you want to know if your dog is the real Selby all you have to do is remember the Seven Warning Signs of a Talking Dog. Look for these things:
1. Reading material lying open near him.
2. His eyes secretly watching TV.
3. Look for a tiny smile on his lips when someone says something funny.
4. Cake crumbs on the chin are a dead giveaway.
5. If it’s raining outside and he comes in with clean feet it means that he’s wiped them on the mat.
6. His collar: see if it’s worn out from being taken off all the time when no one’s watching.
7. And look for an ear shooting up to hear what’s being said in another room.’
That evening, after dinner, Duncan took Selby for a walk. And as the two of them walked along the back roads of Bogusville, Duncan talked and talked.
‘I’m going to hate to leave this town tomorrow, Selby,’ he said. ‘You’re so lucky to live here. And you’re so lucky to be with the Trifles. They’re great. You must have the perfect life.’
‘I do,’ Selby thought. ‘I do.’
‘I don’t know about being an author,’ Duncan said. ‘I mean it’s okay but I’m getting tired of Selby’s stories. I think I’ll write my own from now on.’
‘What is he on about?’ Selby thought. ‘When’s the last time he walked up a glass building? When was he ever in a ship that hit an iceberg? When was he ever hunted by an Evil Genius? He can’t come up with stories like that!’
‘I mean sometimes I think I’m wasting my talent on stories about a talking dog,’ Duncan continued. ‘I could be writing intelligent books, books for grown-ups. I mean, honestly, some of the stories he tells me are so far-fetched that no one would believe them.’
‘Oh, please,’ Selby thought. ‘Give me a break. This guy’s head’s as big as a watermelon. It’s a wonder he can stand up straight.’
Duncan and Selby took a shortcut across a field and were about to cross a road.
‘Careful,’ Duncan said, ‘car coming.’
Selby looked around. There was no car coming. In fact, there was no car anywhere in sight. Then he noticed that Duncan was smiling.
‘Gotcha!’ Duncan said. ‘It’s you, isn’t it, Selby? You’re the real Selby!’
Silence.
‘You understood just what I said. You turned you
r head.’
More silence.
‘Come on, I know it’s you.’
Still more silence.
‘It’s not going to do you any good to play dumb,’ Duncan said. ‘You gave yourself away.’
‘Okay, okay,’ Selby blurted out. ‘You caught me. I was afraid this would happen. Why did you suspect me? Was it because of the crumbs on my chin from Mrs Trifle’s leftover birthday cake?’
‘No.’
‘Is it because my collar is worn from me taking it off all the time when no one’s looking?’
‘No.’
‘Because I smiled when you told those jokes?’
‘No.’
‘Could you tell I was angry when you said you could tell better stories than me?’
‘Nope.’
‘Then how did you know?’
‘I didn’t. I just guessed. I’ve been to hundreds and hundreds of country towns and I’ve been with hundreds and hundreds of dogs. I often try to trick them. But you’re the first dog that’s fallen into my trap.’
‘Oh,’ Selby said. ‘So now are you going to tell everyone?’
‘Nope.’
‘You’re not? Why not?’
‘If I tell people about you,’ Duncan said, ‘then they’ll come looking for you. And they’ll find you. And you’ll become a major celebrity and everyone will forget about my books. Why read a book about a talking dog when you can talk to a real live talking dog?’
‘You’ve got a point,’ Selby said. ‘So I want you to keep your secret a secret for as long as you can,’ Duncan said. ‘If you don’t, then it’ll ruin my life forever.’
‘So you still want to write my stories?’ ‘Of course. What else would I write about? Nothing exciting ever happens to me,’ Duncan said. ‘You keep ringing me and I’ll keep writing. Is it a deal?’
Selby put out his paw.
‘It’s a deal,’ Selby said, shaking Duncan’s hand. And then he added with a laugh, ‘All this time I was scared that you’d find me and you finally did. But everything’s okay. All the things I was scared of aren’t going to happen. This is truly unbelievable!’
Author’s note: Selby was right, this story is unbelievable — and I don’t believe it. I’ve written it exactly the way Selby told it to me. I haven’t changed a thing. And it’s true that I’ve been to lots of schools in lots of country towns and, yes, I’ve tried to trick dogs into telling me they’re Selby — but I don’t ever remember one of them talking to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole story is just a trick to stop me trying to find out who Selby is and where he lives.
As far as I’m concerned, Selby has a lot more challenges ahead. And the search for Selby is still on …
Paw note: Camilla did say ‘Selby’ but of course Selby’s not my real name.
S
Paw note: She said ‘Gary Gaggs’ but, of course, that’s not his real name.
S
Which isn’t their real name. (Are you with me?)
S
Paw note: See these in the back of the bookSelby Screams.
S
SELBY SNAPS!
Selby, the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world, is back in the snappiest collection of fur-raising and
fun-filled adventures yet! So hold on tight as you rocket through space and time with the perilous pooch as he deals with a nasty knight and an even nastier dragon!
And take a deep breath as Aunt Jetty tears through town on a runaway toilet leaving a trail of destruction; then Selby is captured and taken away to be the ruler of a mysterious jungle tribe; and if that isn’t enough he falls head over heels in love with the most gorgeous girl-dog he’s ever seen!
But the big question is: will the world learn
that Selby can talk? Only you can answer that question, so grab this eighth
collection of stories and read it, and then scream at the top of your lungs:
I know the answer and I’m not telling!
Acknowledgments
The author would like to thank Shona Martyn, Lisa Berryman, Vanessa Radnidge, Cristina Rodrigues, Barbara Pepworth, Helen Beard and all the others at HarperCollins Australia, who make these books possible. Thanks as well to Callum and Darcy Gray, youth quality assurance consultants, and to Allan Stomann for his wonderful pictures of a dog he’s never seen.
About the Author
Duncan Ball is an Australian author best known for his popular books for children. Among his best-loved works are the books about Selby, the talking dog.Selby Scrambled is the twelfth collection of short stories about ‘the only talking dog in Australia, and perhaps the world’. There is also a selection of stories taken from the other books, called Selby’s Selection,and two collections of jokes,Selby’s Joke Bookand Selby’s Side-splitting Joke Book.
Among Duncan’s other books are the Emily Eyefinger series, about the adventures of a girl who was born with an eye on the end of her finger, and the comedy novels Piggott Place and Piggotts in Peril,about the frustrations of twelve-year-old Bert Piggott forever struggling to get his family of ratbags and dreamers out of the trouble they constantly get themselves into.
Duncan lives in Sydney with his wife, Jill, and their cat, Jasper. There is a saying that dogs have owners and cats have slaves. In the Trifles’ house it’s sometimes hard to tell if Selby or the Trifles are really in charge. But in Duncan’s house there can be little doubt — they are Jasper’s slaves.
For more information about Duncan and his books, see Selby’s web site at: www.harpercollins.com.au/selby
BY THE SAME AUTHOR
Emily Eyefinger
Emily Eyefinger, Secret Agent
Emily Eyefinger and the Lost Treasure
Emily Eyefinger and the Black Volcano
Emily Eyefinger’s Alien Adventure
Emily Eyefinger and the Devil Bones
Emily Eyefinger and the Balloon Bandits
Emily Eyefinger and the Ghost Ship
Emily Eyefinger and the Puzzlein the Jungle
Emily Eyefinger and the City in the Sky
Piggott Place
Piggotts in Peril
The Case of the Graveyard Ghost and Other Mysteries
The Case of the Vampire’s Wire and Other Mysteries
Selby’s Secret Selby Speaks
Selby Screams Selby Supersnoop
Selby Spacedog Selby Snowbound
Selby Surfs Selby Snaps!
Selby’s Joke Book Selby Splits
Selby’s Selection Selby’s Stardom
Selby’s Side-Splitting Selby Scrambled
Joke Book Selby Shattered
Selby Sorcerer Selby’s Shemozzle
Selby Santa
Copyright
Angus&Robertson
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers, Australia
First published in Australia in 2004
This edition published in 2011
by HarperCollinsPublishers Australia Pty Limited
ABN 36 009 913 517
www.harpercollins.com.au
Copyright © Duncan Ball 2004
Illustrations copyright © Allan Stomann 2004
The right of Duncan Ball and Allan Stomann to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright Amendment (Moral Rights) Act 2000.
This work is copyright. Apart from any use as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may be reproduced, copied, scanned, stored in a retrieval system, recorded, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
HarperCollinsPublishers
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National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data:
Ball, Duncan, 1941– .
Selby Scrambled / Duncan Ball and Allan Stomann.
ISBN: 978-0-2071-9911-0 (pbk.)
ISBN: 978-0-7304-9522-2 (ePub)
1. Dogs – Juvenile fiction. I. Title.
A823.3
Cover design by Christa Edmonds
