“I went to see her.”
“Oh! I know, boy.” She nods. Okay, I was wrong. Of course Ge called to tell her. “Question is, why isn’t she with you?”
“Things got complicated along the way. Her husband was at the hotel. He made her all kinds of promises about changing. He wants her back. And oh yeah, she found out she was pregnant … WITH HIS BABY,” I bite out and I hate that I feel this animosity. It’s not directed toward Eden but the stupid asshat that neglected her all these years. Even after all that neglect, she doesn’t turn away from him.
Ma’s jaw drops. It is a rare reaction from her.
When she told me she was pregnant, my chest filled with happiness thinking that baby was mine. This perfect woman carrying my child. When I realized the baby was Blythe’s, it stung, but then I realized I would love that baby like my own. I care so deeply for Grant after only spending a short while with him. I wanted the chance to be the father he didn’t have.
Ma sits quietly, looking at me as I process all the events of the evening.
“What are you going to do about it?” she asks.
“What can I do? Eden asked me to give her space. She needs to think. She’s carrying his baby,” I stress again.
“Don’t give me that shit, Dixon. I didn’t give birth to you, and I still love you with all my heart.” She smiles even though her voice is stern. I get her point.
“I know. I know I can love her baby too.”
“Did you tell her that?”
“Yes.” I let out a sigh.
“I don’t think you should give up on her.”
“I don’t plan on it, but I think she needs space to figure this out,” I say. Then I get up from the table give Ma a peck on the cheek before heading off to bed.
The next week flies by and I don’t hear from Eden. Wednesday I saw her at the door at school when I picked up Jaden. The pain in her eyes was evident. I couldn’t do anything about it. We were in a public place, and I know how she feels about associating with me at work.
It didn’t help that a mother came up to me and was hitting on me in front of her. On Friday, I sent Ma to pick up the kids because seeing her was just too painful. Especially since she hadn’t contacted me about her decision. Last night I was worried she went back to Blythe, so I called the Plaza and asked for her room. I was relieved when they put me through and I heard her voice. At least she didn’t go back to asshat. The moment I heard her voice, I hung up, not knowing what to say.
The whole situation is a colossal mess. Even Jaden’s been asking why Eden and Grant aren’t staying with us anymore. He looked me in the eyes and said he wishes they could live with us ‘always.’ His words literally sucked the breath from my lungs. I hate that I had her living here every night, with her heated, heavy-lidded eyes devouring me, and I messed it all the FUCK UP. Now I’d give anything to have her back.
I moved back home about two months ago. Not much has changed with Blythe. He still works late hours. When he is home he talks to Grant a little more, but he doesn’t sit down to play with him like Dixon did. It’s wrong of me to compare the two men, but I can’t help myself. Dixon was perfect. The vision of Blythe, me, and our children becoming a family hasn’t come to fruition. My determination still hasn’t wavered though. My children deserve their mother and father together, but each day I feel like the chances of that happening are slipping further away. I slowly realize how out of my control the situation really is. Reality is I don’t think my vision ever really existed within these cold walls. In my heart, my family is a few blocks away, made up of a caring man, his two beautiful children, and the woman who adopted them. Too bad they’re so close yet seem so far away.
My first full ultrasound is tomorrow, so I try to keep my focus on the excitement of finding out the sex of the baby. I’m officially eighteen weeks pregnant and sporting a small baby bump and a set of swollen breasts. I can’t fit into any of my clothes. Blythe took Grant and me shopping along Fifth Avenue the other day. It was a nice day. Blythe bought Grant an ice cream, which made him happy. He’s trying … I can see that. Family life doesn’t come naturally to him though. I always get this feeling like he would rather be somewhere else and even though I now realize it isn’t me, it’s him, it doesn’t take away the loneliness or the fact that with each passing day, my hope for this family is washing away. It makes me sad for my son and unborn child. It’s that sadness that allows a small spark of hope to stay lit inside me. Hope that Blythe will come around, and he will be what I need him to be and what his children need him to be.
Loneliness has become my good friend as I lie in bed waiting for him. Not much has changed on that front. I berate myself for even attempting to keep the hope alive, like I did with my mother’s return so many years ago. I clearly have problems letting go, but I remind myself why. Blythe saved me. I owed him. Had he not entered that courtroom when he did, I would have ended up in jail, another number in the system, maybe getting released just to live in shelters. Blythe gave me a life, an education, and a beautiful son. Those are things I can’t look past. Of course I wished for more. Like every woman or girl, I want my fairy tale ending.
Fairy tales … how sad that I still believe in them. After walking away from Dixon, my love for him should have simmered by now. It never died. In fact, it boils inside me like a whirlwind breaking my heart because I can’t spend my days and my nights with him. I hope my sacrifice is worth it because I know I’ve hurt a good man. His hurt is transparent when he picks up Jaden from school and keeps contact with me to a minimum. It’s even harder when Jaden asks me why Grant and I can’t come back to live with them or when he tells me Macy was asking for me too. The family I almost had … A stray tear falls down from my cheek—one of so many tears I’ve cried for my love. This pregnancy, the baby growing inside me, changes all of that. This child deserves a chance to know its father, and Grant deserves a chance to have a relationship with his father. I fear if we aren’t here with Blythe, he’ll forget about us completely, and it’s a very unsettling thought. Another aspect I can’t control and wish I could.
The other night, Blythe tried to be intimate with me and I wasn’t able to reciprocate. In fact, I actually cringed which is something that never happened before. As he ran his fingers delicately down my arm, I couldn’t stop thinking of Dixon and how I only wanted and craved his touch. I apologized to Blythe and gave the excuse that I was tired, but I’m not sure he bought my story. He told me he knows he’s still messing up with me, but he’s trying. His acknowledgment was comforting in a way. The truth is I’m worried he’s too late because my heart and soul belongs to another man. A man I’m not sure will take me back after I broke his heart the way I have.
I pick up a book and read. It’s the best way to distract my mind. Finally my eyes grow heavy, and I fall asleep.
There’s a knock on the door and I saunter down the stairs to open the door for Jenna. She’s here to take Grant to school for me.
“Good morning.” Jenna’s voice sounds cheery. She looks me over. I’m still in my robe.
“Morning. Thanks so much for doing this.”
“What do you mean? Of course.” She grins. “I’m excited about this. I’m having babies through you,” she snickers. “You get to gain the weight and rip in two. I get to play the part of the best aunt in town.”
“Very funny. I think one day you will find your prince charming and have babies too,” I reply, knowing it isn’t a comment she likes to hear.
“Yeah sure.” She waves me off.
“Grant, honey, grab your backpack. Jenna is here to take you to school,” I call out to my son, who is still in the kitchen finishing his cereal.
“No worries, Eden. We’re still good with time,” Jenna answers. I’m so grateful she was able to pick him up this morning for school because I didn’t want to be late for my ultrasound appointment.
“Thanks so much. I still need to get dressed,” I say, looking at my wristwatch.
“Please, I’m
happy to take the little guy.” She pauses and gazes around the apartment. “Where’s Blythe? He’s taking you to the appointment … right?”
“He sent me a text last night that something came up with work, and he would have to pull an all-nighter, but he reassured me he would be here this morning for the appointment,” I answer with a nervous tone as I stare at my wristwatch again.
“Eden, I’m not sure I like the sound of that. He didn’t come home last night? I swear if he’s cheating on you again …” She trails off, her voice filled with anger.
“I haven’t seen any new pics on his phone.” I know it’s sick I’m still checking. “He sounded truly sorry on the phone when he called yesterday evening. He said he had to take care of a meeting in the Catskills and would take the chopper back this morning,” I explain, but the more I think about his story, the more I worry maybe he is cheating. It’s hard to admit those feelings out loud though since they make me feel ashamed.
“I hope for your sake he’s telling the truth.” She frowns. I hope so too, Jenna.
Grant comes running to the door, and Jenna embraces him in a hug and carries his backpack for him.
“Love you.” I give him a peck on the cheek.
“Love you too, Mommy. I wish I was coming to see the baby with you. I want to know if I will have a brother or sister.” He smiles.
“I know, sweet boy. I will come to your class when I get back to school and tell you,” I reply. It’s better for Grant to be in school, in case I turn into a blubbering mess during the ultrasound. I’ve been extra emotional with the pregnancy hormones and missing Dixon. I just don’t know what to expect from myself.
“Okay, Mommy.” He relents and leaves with Jenna.
I quickly head back upstairs to get ready for my appointment. It’s cool outside, so I put on a warm pair of leggings and a long gray tunic sweater since it’s supposed to snow today. I send Blythe a quick text, reminding him the appointment is in forty-five minutes. There’s no response, so I head to the kitchen and toast a bagel with cream cheese before heading out the door.
Half an hour later, I’m in an ultrasound room, wearing a gown with a bladder full of liquids, and still no Blythe. I shoot him another text. A part of me wants to cry that I’m here and going through this by myself all over again. He never showed up for ultrasounds or doctor appointments when I was pregnant with Grant. I was younger back then. I still had hope. Suddenly my cell phone buzzes and I figure it’s him with a lame excuse. I pick up my phone and look at the screen. Dick’s name comes up.
Is everything okay? You weren’t in the classroom.
A laugh bubbles out of my chest. It’s throaty and sad. Besides quick exchanges at the school entrance, I haven’t really seen him in two months. I called him two weeks after I saw him at the Plaza hotel, when we revealed all our truths, and I told him I decided to give Blythe another chance. I already hurt him so much. I hated making the decision, but I also felt like I didn’t have a choice. The fact he’s reaching out now when I feel so low and alone is eerie and reminds me how closely connected we truly are despite the distance between us.
I’m okay. I have my ultrasound today. I will find out the sex of the baby soon. I’m heading back to school after the appointment.
Wow! Maybe that was too much info. I’m clearly feeling low, and I love that he cares but it hurts too.
Sounds like fun. I’m happy for you. Is asshat there?
My stomach sinks. How do I answer that? I can’t lie. He doesn’t deserve that. I know how badly he wants me, and yet I broke both our hearts to give Blythe a chance, and damn, Blythe is not even here!
No, he isn’t.
I reply and wait for a response. It doesn’t come. My phone rings and Dick lights up the screen.
“Hello?” I answer hesitantly, knowing it will hurt even more to hear his thick, deep voice.
“Eden, where are you? I’m coming to be with you.” His voice is demanding, assertive, caring.
“Dixon, it’s okay,” I begin to say.
“Eden, don’t go there. Just give me the damn address,” he demands again. I know he isn’t angry. He just doesn’t want to be pushed away, and quite frankly I’m sick and tired of pushing him away when I want nothing more than to be with him.
I give him the address and the phone clicks. I can’t imagine he’ll make it here on time, even though this place is close to his apartment. The streets are filled with snow and it always makes traffic slower.
The ultrasound technician walks in.
“Hello, Mrs. Howard … right?” She’s a young woman with a kind smile.
I nod my head. “Yes.”
“Okay, let’s get started. Your bladder must be screaming. I will do all my checks, then I will ask you to empty your bladder and we will finish the exam. Are you waiting for a partner?” she asks.
“Um, yes, but that’s okay. We can get started.” I smile as a rush of disappointment washes over me. What have I been thinking all this time? I’m not happy. My son isn’t happy. Blythe isn’t capable of being the family man I need him to be. I’ve really messed everything up. I broke Dixon’s heart, and he’s still willing to come here and be with me. The technician places the wand on my belly and my baby comes to view. My tiny, sweet, innocent baby. My heart swells. She presses into my stomach, causing my bladder to cry as she takes measurements.
There’s a light knock on the door. “That must be your partner.” The technician smiles to me. “If you want you can go ahead and head to the bathroom to empty your bladder and we can finish up.
“Thank you.” I rise up from the bench and open the door. It’s Dixon with a panty-melting smile, dimples and all. My heart flips. “Hi,” I say breathlessly. “Thanks for coming. I just need to head to the restroom for a minute to empty my bladder,” I explain, bouncing on my tiptoes in fear of peeing.
“Sure thing. I’ll take a seat in here.” He winks.
I run off to the bathroom like a bat out of hell to relieve myself, and I’m actually giddy and smiling. I can’t believe he’s here, with me. For me. My emotions are in high gear, and I want to run back into the room and tell him how much I’ve missed him. How I made the wrong decision. I’m just not sure it’s fair of me at this point. What happens if he’s only here as a friend? What if he met someone else? It’s been over two months since he confessed his love for me. A lot can happen in two months.
I head back into the room, unsure of myself.
“Okay, I need you to lie back down,” the technician says. She gives me a blanket to cover myself and lifts the gown over my belly. When she places the wand back on my stomach, I hear Dixon gasp. He rises from his chair and takes a seat at the edge of the bed and takes a hold of my hand as he watches the screen intently. His hand in mine solidifies the connection I feel toward him. “Did you want to know the sex of the baby?” the technician asks.
“I do.” I smile brightly and grasp Dixon’s hand a little stronger. The wand moves over my stomach, so it looks like it’s directed right between the baby’s legs. Dixon gazes into my eyes lovingly.
“See right there?” She points to the screen. I see a lot of gray fuzz. “It looks like you’re having a girl,” she calls out happily.
Happy tears spring from my eyes. “Wow.” Dixon leans over and hugs me.
“Congratulations,” he whispers in my ear. Pulling his head back, his lips land on mine in a slow, soft sensuous kiss. This reconnection makes my heart burst with joy. Sharing this moment with him means everything.
“Here, you can use these tissues to wipe yourself off.” The technician passes me the tissues. Dixon pulls away, leaving me with swollen lips, a bright smile, and a silly grin.
“Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome. You can change in here if you like. We’re all done.” She smiles and heads out of the room.
I stand up from the bed and Dixon wraps his arms around me tight. “I’m glad I got a hold of you when I did or else I would have missed this moment.”
>
“Your timing was impeccable.”
“Eden, I want you. That’s why I’m here. No matter what, in any way I can get you, I want you. Whatever you need, I’ll always be here for you. I need you to really listen to me, Eden, because I love you. You’re the first girl I ever loved and you’re going to be the last.”
My heart flutters at his words. He’s willing to be here for me even though I chose Blythe, the man whose presence is not missed. My mistake crushes me. Even though these past few weeks there have been chinks growing in my armor, breaking me down and making me realize I can’t force a family on Blythe.
Tears fall freely. That moment when clarity hits … This is my moment.
“What is it, baby?” Dixon asks, swiping at my tears with his fingers as he lowers his body to gaze directly in my eyes. “What’s wrong?” He continues with a worried look. My tears grow fierce.
“It’s not what’s wrong. It’s what’s right,” I finally blabber.
“What are you saying, Eden?” he asks, and I hate that he’s scared to hope. Hope kept me going for so long. Even if it remains a dim light under the surface, it should never completely burn out … because without hope we are nothing.
“I want to come home with you,” I murmur as I continue to bawl my eyes out.
His eyes widen and flicker and right there in the depths of his blue-green eyes, I see it. The flicker of hope inside him turns into a burning flame.
“I won’t share you.” He tilts his head to the side.
“No need,” I reassure him. “I’m all yours. Always have been.” I lean forward and wrap my arms around his neck, and he squeezes me close. I love that he won’t share me. I love that he wants me all for himself.
“You’re damn right you are. You’ve always been my girl. Took you a damn long time to realize it.”
“I always knew. I was trying to do the right thing. I realize now it was the wrong thing. You’re right. You, the kids, Ma …”
Dick (Bad Boys #1) Page 25
