by H. D. Gordon
Then she left the room before I could think about responding, and I was left with just Kayla. When I looked over at my old friend now, now that we were alone for the first time since I’d seen her, she was staring directly back at me with narrowed eyes. The look was so full of warring emotion that I almost flinched.
When Kayla grabbed my arm and yanked me further into the room, I did flinch. She put a finger to her lips to keep me silent and pulled me close. “What are you doing here?” she hissed in my ear. Her tone made me want to cringe again. Although I’d done some research on cults, seeing the effect of the brainwashing firsthand was jarring, especially because it was happening to one of my best friends. I’d known Kayla for a good majority of my life, and yet as I pulled back and looked into her eyes now, I felt as though I was staring down a stranger.
It made the point clear that I may have been let in, but I had yet to be allowed to see what the beast beneath the mask looked like. Looking at Kayla, her grip still tight on my arm, I had the sinking feeling in my gut that I would be seeing it soon enough.
I kept my voice low when I answered. “I-I-I told you I—”
Kayla held her hand up, cutting me off. “I know what you told them,” she said, glancing nervously toward the door. “Now I’m asking you what you’re doing here. You’ve been talking to Kyle haven’t you? Did Kyle put you up to this?”
I stared at her, battling with how to respond, pondering just how much reason she was still capable of. If I told her the truth, that the man she was so devoted to was insane, and leading his flock right into the fire, would she even be able to believe me? What’s more, would she tell Reynolds what I’d said? Out me as an imposter? And if she did, then what would happen? Would I just be allowed to leave?
I took only the shortest of moments to consider all of this, and what made the decision for me was probably more an emotional factor rather than logical. It was something Kayla had said to me once, when I was in second grade and she was in first and we had been riding the school bus together. A couple of the boys behind us starting talking all in stammers and stutters, which obviously meant they were making fun of me. I’d been prepared to ignore them, but Kayla had taken a wooden ruler from her backpack, crawled up on the seat, and whacked both boys right on the top of their heads with the ruler hard enough to make two nice thwack! sounds. I’d had to stifle a giggle as she threatened more bodily harm if she heard them talking about me again.
Afterward, she’d turned to me, and in her sweet voice she’d whispered, “Don’t worry, Joe. I’ll protect you.”
It was this that made me do what I did next. Now, I was the one who grabbed Kayla’s arm. “I saw s-s-something,” I said, still keeping my voice low. “Kayla, I-I-I saw something buh-buh-bad.”
“I hope you don’t mind mint toothpaste,” Fae said as she reentered the room, causing me and Kayla to break apart like teenagers caught kissing in the janitor’s closet. “I prefer orange-flavored myself,” she laughed. “But people think I’m weird for that.”
If Fae had noticed anything strange between Kayla and me, she didn’t let on. I took the handful of clothes, towels and toiletries she handed me and smiled, doing my best not to look at Kayla, even though I was dying to see how she was reacting to what I’d just told her. “Th-thank you,” I said. “Muh-mint is p-perfect.”
Fae yawned again. “Well, it’s getting late,” she said, and though her face gave away nothing, I got the feeling that this was her dismissal to Kayla. I was starting to realize that I was probably under more scrutiny than I realized. After all, why not put me in a room with Kayla if the reverend really wanted me to feel at home.
Because they don’t trust you with Kayla…or Kayla with you.
Apparently Kayla took this as a dismissal as well. She stretched and yawned now too. “Yeah, I’m beat,” she said, and I noticed she would not meet my eyes. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow, okay?”
I had no choice but to let her go, even though I had just dropped a bomb on her and had no idea just what the impact—or the aftermath—would be. Once she was gone, Fae chatted me up for a little bit about nothing before asking me if I wanted to use the restroom before bed. I didn’t miss the fact that she’d kept me in the room until Kayla was surely gone.
“If you want to use the restrooms,” she said, “you should probably do it now before everyone comes back from the dinner.”
I took her advice and showered quickly but thoroughly, brushing my teeth and leaving the bathroom as I’d found it. Putting on the stripped pajamas Fae had given me, the feeling of cleverly veiled imprisonment couldn’t be more complete. It was amazing how everything on this crazy ranch was set up to so subtly strip away identity. As much as he disgusted me, I had to give it to the reverend. He was a trickster of the highest form.
When I returned to the room ten minutes later, Fae was lying in her bed, but she wasn’t asleep. She’d clearly been waiting for me. “I meant to ask you,” she said. “Do you have any special skills?”
When I raised an eyebrow, she laughed. “I ask because we all pitch in with the work here at the ranch, and if there’s something you’re particularly good at, or really like doing, we’ll try to fit you with the chores that best suit your skills and needs.”
For a moment, I couldn’t think of anything to say. Somehow, right, well, I can see the future, and there’s a good chance we’ll all die soon. Does that count as a special skill?, didn’t seem like the best of answers. Then I thought of the little girl I’d seen earlier at the dinner. The one that had been staring at me while everyone else in the room had been staring at the reverend.
“I-I luh-love to work with children,” I said. “I’ve uh-always dreamed of r-running a duh-daycare.”
Fae stifled another yawn and smiled. “I love children too,” she said. “That’s perfect, then. You can work with me at the daycare center, as long as you don’t mind helping me teach the lessons. I’m sure I can get Madge relocated to another task.” She lifted her head off the pillow and looked at the door, making sure it was closed. “She’s not really great with the kids anyway,” she whispered.
“That’d buh-be great,” I said, and thanked her, climbing into my new bed and pulling the covers over me.
“It’s settled then,” Fae said, and flicked off the lamp beside her bed, casting the room into darkness. “Let’s try to get some sleep. The kids can be handful, and hopefully Marty won’t wake us up when she comes in.”
I pulled the covers up higher, tucking them under my chin the way I used to do when I was a child. Fae’s breathing leveled out only moments after that, and before long, I felt the heavy pull of sleep tugging at me as well. It had been a long day, and something told me I would need all my strength for the next days to come.
So, I slept, but it was light, because there was no way it wouldn’t be when I knew my head was resting in the center of enemy territory. I was aware enough to notice when Fae slipped out the door an hour later, and aware enough again to notice when she returned hours later, as dawn was just barely beginning to brush the sky, slipping into her bunk and pulling the covers up over her head.
And though she was stoically silent, I was awake enough to know that Fae, the girl with the contagious smile, was soaking her pillow with tears.
Right before I slipped back out of consciousness for the last time that night, the thought passed through my head that the beast I was searching for came out at night, and if I wanted to stop him, I would need to head further still, into the darkness.
Chapter 38
Fae
When Dorie shook her out of her sleep around two o’ clock, Fae wasn’t really surprised, but she was a little annoyed, which was surprising in itself. She knew why Dorie was waking her, that Father must have summoned her to another meeting, but she couldn’t help the bitter feeling that arose within her as of late when Father required something of her. She knew this feeling was wrong, and she’d been doing her best to ignore it, but it just kept coming back.
/> Fae also knew the right thing to do would be to tell Father how she was feeling, speak her blasphemous thoughts aloud to him so that he could cleanse her of this poison she felt festering inside, but something just would not let her. Something told her that things were different between her and Father now, and as much as she would have liked, they could not go back to the way they’d been before.
Back when you were just a girl. Back before Father made you into a woman.
She shuddered, pushing Dorie’s hand, which was still shaking her shoulder away. “Okay,” Fae hissed, careful to keep her voice low, so as not to wake Marty and Joe. “I’m getting up. You can go. I’ll meet you there in a minute.”
Dorie was standing over Fae’s bed, and Fae could feel her staring down at her in the darkness. “Fine,” she whispered. “But you know how Father hates it when you make him wait.”
Dorie left after that, and Fae pulled herself up from the bed with a good amount of effort. It seemed like it had been weeks since she’d gotten a good night’s sleep. With the reporters and spies that Father said were hanging all around lately, these late night meetings had become a nearly nightly routine. If she didn’t get more than four hours of sleep soon, she wouldn’t be much good to anyone.
Despite her exhaustion, ignoring Father’s request was not something that even occurred to Fae. After slipping on the tennis shoes by her bed, she opened the door quietly and stepped out into the hallway. Knowing Dorie was right about not keeping Father waiting, Fae jogged across the lawn and around the lake to his house as quickly as she could make herself. And though this thought was blasphemous too, she couldn’t help but think the sooner she responded, the sooner she could get back to her bed and the sleep she so desperately needed.
When she reached the big white house, she wasn’t surprised to see Dorie and Kayla there. Dorie was always there, and Kayla had some answering to do. With the way Kayla’s brother had been harassing the church and Father lately, the fact that her childhood friend had just shown up on their doorstep was something that would need investigating. Fae thought this Joe girl seemed like a nice person, but she also knew that the sinner’s spies and mercenaries could be anyone. It was something she’d been taught as far back as she could remember, and she believed it whole-heartedly. These were tough times, after all, and one couldn’t be too careful.
Let your guard down for a minute, and the devil might just slip in. It was something Father was fond of saying.
So when Fae followed Dorie and Kayla into Father’s house and into the living room, where he sat waiting in his armchair, staring into the fire, Fae didn’t feel bad for Kayla, even though she knew the girl she’d recruited six months ago was in trouble. Honestly, she was too tired for this shit, and though she liked her just fine, Fae was starting to think Kayla was more trouble than she was worth. If it weren’t for Kayla, she could be in dreamland right now.
Fae clenched her teeth to hide another yawn as she came forward and kissed Father’s hand. She took a seat on the floor in front of him, folding her legs beneath her as Dorie and Kayla followed suit.
Settling in for Kayla’s interrogation, Fae was snapped to attention when Father’s dark eyes fell on her first. A dreaded feeling swirled in her gut, and suddenly she was awake. Completely awake.
“Thank you for coming, girls,” Father said, his gaze passing over Kayla and Dorie before coming back to Fae. “I’m sorry to have to wake you, but there are some urgent matters involving y’all that needs to be addressed immediately.”
Now Fae’s heart stopped. Why was he still looking at her? Wasn’t this about Kayla? Of course it was about Kayla. If it wasn’t, why would she even be here?
“One of you,” Father continued, “has done something terrible and as much as I would like to, I cannot let it go without acknowledgement. One of you—and I’m not going to say which, you need to admit your sins on your own and step forward—has been having dirty thoughts, and has tried to drag me into those dirty fantasies to soil my soul and take me away from the Lord’s path.”
His eyes were still on her, pinning her, drowning her in their dark depths. Fae was so consumed by that look that she could not latch onto a clear thought, could only concentrate on the racing of her heart and the blood rushing in her ears. He knew. He knew what she’d been thinking all along. Of course he knew. She should have just confessed to him when she’d had the chance. She should have known better.
Fae’s mouth fell open as she watched the blue vein in Father’s forehead bulge out; the one that only made an appearance when he was truly angry. “Are you going to step forward?” he asked, his voice deceptively calm. “Or do I have to do it for you?”
In her periphery, Fae noticed that both Dorie and Kayla had scooted back several inches, putting her between them and Father, where he sat above her in his chair. She felt her neck crane back robotically, and when she spoke, her voice sounded far away and small. “It’s me,” she said. “I have sinned Father. I’ve had dirty thoughts, and I’m so sorry. I should have come to you. I don’t know why I didn’t come to you.”
Father continued to look down at her with no pity. “Is that all?” he asked, fists still clenched but voice still level. “You don’t think you should tell your sisters here about how you came to me, begging me to take your body, crying your daughter of Eve tears and trying to tempt me with your poisonous fruit? You don’t think they would be interested to know how you have tried to test me, to make me suffer?” He paused, and his voice lowered into a near growl. “You don’t think Dorie and Kayla should know how much of a whore you are, Fae Harper?”
Fae flinched as though he’d slapped her, caught completely off-guard by these accusations. She wasn’t surprised that Father had known about her bad thoughts, but she hadn’t expected this. She hadn’t thrown herself at him…had she? Something clicked in her head then. The other night, when he’d wanted her to come to him again, and she’d gone to the infirmary pretending to have a stomach flu…this was punishment for that. Not punishment for trying to have sex with him; punishment for trying not to have sex with him.
But that couldn’t be right. Father wasn’t like that. He wouldn’t do that. She must be mistaken, her memory of the events somehow skewed. Father wouldn’t call her a whore unless…well, unless she really was one.
All of this passed through Fae’s head in a fraction of a moment, and both Kayla and Dorie gasped at what Father had just said.
“How could you?” Kayla asked. “Why would you do something like that to Father?”
“Because she’s a dirty whore, just like Father said,” Dorie answered. “She deserves to be punished, to suffer the way she’s made Father suffer.”
Fae didn’t open her mouth to protest. There was no point. Obviously, she’d done something really wrong to warrant this treatment from Father. She just stared up at him, blinking back tears. A smile spread across his face now. He tapped his chin with one finger. “You’re right,” he said “As much as I hate it, you’re right. Fae does need to be punished. How do you think she should be punished, Dorie, my darling?” he asked.
Dorie’s answering smile made a rush of anger flare up in Fae, but there were too many other emotions coursing through her body that she had no hope of acting on it. She could do little more than kneel before Father and take what was coming to her.
“The paddle should be sufficient,” Dorie said. “I’ll do it if you want me to, Father. I know how hard it is for you to see one of your children in pain.”
Fae held her breath, waiting for his answer, and couldn’t help but cringe when he nodded. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, I believe the paddle will help.” His smile now was kind, that fatherly smile that Fae knew so well, and his hand was gentle as he placed it on her shoulder. “Don’t you worry, my child. We will beat the darkness out of you, so that you can be good again. I do this because I love you, even though it pains me.”
Fae nodded, wanting so much to believe him, but as she crawled to her knees and bent over th
e coffee table nearest Father’s chair, she wasn’t so sure she could. A moment later, Fae felt Dorie’s cold fingers yank down her pajama pants and underwear, exposing her to everyone in the room. The air in the living room was cool on her bare backside, but that was quickly replaced with a painful burning as Dorie grabbed the paddle Father always kept near and began spanking her with all the might she could muster.
Though she’d heard it several times before when others were being punished, the thwack! sound the wooden paddle made every time it struck her skin would haunt her dreams for the next several moons.
Fae tried her best not to cry out, but there was nothing she could do to keep the tears from flowing from her eyes as Dorie beat her backside blue with the paddle, and under instruction from Father, Kayla called her a dirty whore over and over again. Fae wanted to believe that this was for her own good, the way she had believed it was for Anna’s own good when she’d gotten punished at the meeting just the night before. She wanted to believe that it pained Father as much as he claimed.
But, believing that was hard when she kept looking over at him, her most private parts completely bared, her ass in the air and being spanked repeatedly, and he had that crooked smile on his face, that gleeful gleam in his eyes. To Fae, it didn’t look like it was painful for him. No, he looked like he was enjoying it.
