Love and Decay

by Rachel Higginson

  Miller’s lips pressed against my forehead and then against my temple. He trailed kisses down my cheek and across my jaw until he reached my mouth again, where he kissed me once more. It wasn’t a hot kiss or an enthusiastic one; he didn’t use all the amazing tricks he had with his tongue or demand anything more than our lips pressed against each other for a long, endless moment.

  This kiss was different than all the others because it wasn’t a promise for the future or tool for the present. This kiss was a story of everything that had happened between us, every single thing that had led us to this moment.

  This kiss was our seal.

  Our covenant.

  Our creed.

  He pulled back and for the first time since I could remember, his face was filled with peace. His eyes had lost the darkness that always lurked and the stress had left his forehead and mouth. He was beautiful.

  Breathtaking.

  I scratched at my sensitive skin where his beard had abraded and pressed my swollen lips together, marks that Miller had kissed me. I smiled. This had been the most perfect moment of my life.

  Maybe in all of humanity.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered to me, his voice catching. “I have never seen anything more beautiful than you.”

  My smile faltered and hot tears filled my eyes again. I wanted to hide my face from him, but he wouldn’t let me. His strong hand cupped my jaw again and held me there so he could look at me for as long as he wanted.

  “Page!” Equal expressions of disappointment crossed our faces as Hendrix yelled at us. “Page, are you out there?”

  Taking a steadying breath and giving Miller a wobbly smile, I let the last remnants of magic disappear as I yelled back, “I’m here!”

  Miller took my hand and led me back inside the house. I knew Hendrix would want to have a chat about what had happened earlier tonight and what was going to happen. I had to face the reality of tomorrow and the war I had begged to fight.

  But I would carry this kiss with me forever. I would remember the feel of him and the taste of him and every second of his touch until my last breath.

  Miller had finally come back to me.

  I didn’t have to worry about losing him again.

  ****

  The man stared out at his kingdom through the dimness of night. Stars blinked overhead and a thin moon faded somewhere in the sky, but the man’s gaze was fixed downward, out of his high tower.

  His fingers ached, but he moved them over the wheels of the chair he was confined to, pushing himself closer to the window. He didn’t always have to use the chair, but tonight he couldn’t find the will to stand. Everything hurt. Everything always hurt, but tonight it was even more unbearable.

  His once able body had been burned and beaten until it was a shadow of its former glory. He had been stripped of his strength and power.

  Only his mind remained.

  Although some might argue that was his real weapon. At least his deadliest.

  He didn’t see anything below that interested him. His people stayed inside their homes after curfew and not a peep would be heard before dawn. His best men guarded the wall and if there were Feeders lurking about, they would be taken care of soon enough.

  His life had become a well-oiled machine that ran as smoothly as he could have hoped for. Unlike his failing body.

  Bitterness and simmering rage surged in his blood. He should be able to enjoy his reign. He had worked hard to get where he was. He had sacrificed everything.

  His life should be his reward.

  And yet…

  A knock at the door pulled his attention out of his darkening thoughts. “Come in,” he yelled, not moving from his place at the window.

  One of his men stepped inside, followed by a spy. The spy looked bedraggled enough. A few months on the road would do that to a person. But there was something wild in this one’s eyes, something cagey and frightened.

  Adrenaline spiked in his chest. What could have scared a seasoned soldier at this point during the Apocalypse?

  “Jim is dead,” the man wheezed before he had been given permission to speak.

  The man allowed him this one insult because he was clearly worked up about something. But if it happened again, his head would adorn the spikes outside his wall. He wouldn’t allow insolence twice.

  The spy realized his mistake and dropped his gaze to the floor. A sign of respect.

  A symbol of justified fear.

  “Feeders or Mexicans?” he rasped through his tortured vocal chords. His own ears hurt to hear the broken sound of his voice. His men never reacted, though.

  They knew the consequences of reacting.

  “Neither,” the spy rushed to say. “By someone new. Someone we’ve never seen before.”

  Adrenaline now pounded his heart and invigorated his withered muscles. “Did you hear a name?”

  “No,” the spy promptly answered.

  “Can you describe him?”

  “It was dark. T-too dark. And I tried to stay hidden otherwise they would’ve killed me too.”

  “Then how do you know it was someone we’ve never seen before?” His patience drew thin, a reedy weed that threatened to snap the second this man said one more thing he didn’t like.

  “I could hear them. I could hear ‘em talking. The man said that he knew you. Said he even looked like you.”

  The adrenaline turned into a blazing fire that burned through him. Matthias could feel it eating him alive on the inside and his skin prickled with the memory of a different fire, one that had destroyed his body and tried to take his life.

  He managed to keep his voice even when he asked, “You said them.”

  The spy nodded. “There was a girl too.”

  “His sister?” Matthias asked.

  “I-I don’t think so,” the spy answered. “But maybe.”

  No matter. One was enough. Matthias turned back to the window.

  The spy’s tentative voice broke through a whole new train of thoughts. “Should I do something about them?”

  When Matthias’s lips curled into a smile, it surprised even him. “Not right now,” he said. “Let the prodigal son return home. Then we shall decide what to do with him.”

  Episode Six

  Chapter One

  If I had to do it over again… I would change nothing.

  Not even the aftermath.

  Okay, that’s a lie. I might change the aftermath.

  I would at least change this part of the aftermath.

  This part. Right here.

  I knew why they brought me here. I could see it in their shifty eyes and fidgeting hands. They thought they were doing the right thing, but there was just no possible way any of us would come out on the other side of this unscathed.

  They were about to damage me. Irreparably.

  “Here’s the thing, Page…” Hendrix cleared his throat for the third time and refused to lift his gaze from his shoes. “The thing is… The thing about it is…”

  Nelson nudged him with his elbow and took over. “Page, I know this is confusing, but when a man loves a woman-”

  “Oh, my god.”

  “Dude,” Hendrix laughed. “You can’t start with that!”

  Nelson glared at him. “Because you’re doing such a stellar job?”

  “At least I’m not-”

  “Please stop,” I begged. They both dragged their eyes to meet mine. They looked so awkward as they sat next to each other on a beat up table I wasn’t sure could hold their combined weight for much longer.

  Hendrix folded his arms and grimaced. “There are things you need to know, Page. There are things that… that we have to tell you.”

  “No,” I assured him, “you don’t.”

  Nelson gathered some confidence and sat up straighter. “I know it’s fun to…”

  Oh, god. They’re not going to stop.

  “Kiss,” Hendrix finished for him.

  Nelson nodded and it looked painful. “Right
. Kiss. But sometimes… being young and human and… and… young… you might not want to stop at kissing. You might be compelled to do more than kiss.”

  “Compelled?” Hendrix snickered.

  “Shut up,” Nelson growled.

  I jumped up from the pew I’d been sitting cross-legged in. My brothers had brought me to this abandoned, overgrown church for a talk, but I hadn’t realized it was going to be the talk. I’d have found any excuse to avoid this had I known it was coming.

  Babysitting duty.

  Dinner duty.

  Laundry duty.

  Zombie duty.

  Jumping off the nearest cliff duty.

  I would have seriously given them any excuse to delay this epic awkwardness. “You have to stop,” I told them. “Or I’m going to have to run away and find a different family to live with. A family I can actually look in the eyes again.”

  Hendrix frowned and I winced. He’d put on his “dad” face. The one he gave his children when they were acting up. The one he always used on me when he didn’t agree with my actions or decisions. The one that meant, I mean business.

  “Page, I know this is uncomfortable, but there are things you need to know. Especially if I’m going to find you and Miller making out every time we turn a corner.”

  I ignored the sense of dread that spiraled through me at his statement, turning it into healthy denial. “But I already know those things,” I promised him. “Please don’t make me run away. I like this family! I feel settled here. I feel like we have a future, you know? Plus, it sounds like a lot of work to find another one. I’m not sure I have the energy for it.”

  “Stop being cute.” His frown deepened. “The problem is… you think you know things. And it’s partly our fault. We’re such awesome brothers that we’ve set you up with false expectations for males around the world. But the truth is we haven’t exactly been on top of your… education when it comes to…”

  Hendrix’s voice faded away and awkward silence hung in the air.

  Fine.

  But they asked for it.

  “Sex.” Someone had to say it. I didn’t want to torture my brothers but… No, that was a lie. I totally wanted to torture them. Especially after I’d had to suffer here for twenty minutes while they worked up the courage to give me the most awkward version of the birds and the bees talk ever.

  Nelson dropped his head to hide his smile and Hendrix’s frown evolved into a harsh slash against his face. He looked ready to explode. Or melt. Or die.

  Enjoying their reaction I couldn’t help but push the issue. “Isn’t sex what you wanted to talk to me about? Sex between a man and a woman?”

  Hendrix shifted on the table and it groaned in protest. “Yep.”

  “Oh, then let’s talk about sex. Since you brought me in here to talk about sex. I think we should talk about it. Sex, that is. What do you want to tell me about sex? Go ahead, I’m listening. You can say anything you want to about sex. I have tons of questions too. Questions about sex, in case you were confused. We could probably talk about sex for the next four hours. That’s how many questions I have. I hope you have all of the answers. These questions I have about sex have been burning a hole in my brain for years. Everything is just so confusing. What goes where? And how exactly are babies made? I mean, what is the exact process? Does it hurt? Is it supposed to hurt? How badly does it hurt? And just so I have some frame of reference, how many times a day can you-”

  “Stop!” Hendrix practically shouted. “Dear god, please stop.”

  Nelson’s shoulders shook with laughter, but he still refused to look up at me.

  I smiled sweetly at Hendrix and raised my eyebrows expectantly.

  “You’re teasing us,” Hendrix finally decided.

  “I’m giving you a dose of your own medicine. Do you have any idea what this has been like for me?”

  His lips twitched. “I have some idea.” He ran a hand through his hair and let out a long sigh. “So you already know the basics?”

  I almost laughed, but I held back. “You’re about five years too late. Reagan, Haley and Tyler dropped this bomb forever ago.”

  They stared at me, mouths open, foreheads furrowed.

  “No, they didn’t,” Nelson argued.

  “They did.” I finally let myself smile. “And they did a way better job than you two.”

  Nelson threw his hand to the side. “Haley told me this was a good idea! She encouraged me to speak to you!”

  “Reagan, too,” Hendrix growled. “That lying harpy.”

  “I’m going to kill them,” I vowed.

  “Not if I get there first,” Hendrix countered.

  My eyes snapped back to him. “What even possessed you guys to think I would need the… talk now? I’m almost nineteen.”

  They turned a deeper shade of red and stared at their feet. Hendrix cleared his throat. Again. And said, “I, uh, I saw you with Miller before we left the Territories.”

  “You what?”

  “I saw you and Miller going at it in the supply room.”

  My voice reached an entirely new octave of humiliation, “We weren’t going at it in the supply room! Oh, my god, Hendrix!” The redness of my face was eclipsed only by the blush covering his. “We were kissing! That’s it!”

  Hendrix and Nelson shared a look that said they didn’t believe me. If I’d thought I was mortified earlier, it was nothing compared to this.

  “You say that now,” Nelson began. “But you don’t understand guys like we do. Today you’re kissing in the supply closet, tomorrow you’re six months pregnant and craving pickles and ice cream.”

  “That is not how pregnancy works!”

  Nelson shot me a superior look and said, “The point is that it’s better to know what you’re getting into than make mistakes you can’t come back from. Miller is a guy! He thinks like a guy. Acts like a guy. Kisses like a guy. Which means when he’s kissing you, he’s not really thinking about kissing you. He’s thinking about the next thing after kissing you. And the thing after that. And all the other things that go after that.”

  I ground my teeth together so hard my jaw hurt. “First of all, I know what I’m getting into.” Lie. I didn’t have any clue what I was getting myself into. But I at least had the physical stuff down. “Second, thank you for pointing out Miller’s gender, but I’m pretty sure I’m familiar with it.” They looked horrified again, so I immediately had to back track. “No, not like that, you perverts. I just meant I’m well aware of his guy-ness. But this thing with him, whatever it is, just started. We know the risks. All the risks. And we’re not going to rush into this without thinking everything through. Neither of us is ready for a commitment or anything serious yet. We’re just… I don’t know… we’re just feeling this out.”

  “Feeling what out exactly?” Hendrix demanded.

  My blush deepened at least ten shades. “Us,” I clarified. “We’re going slowly. Very, very slowly.”

  “Because neither of you is ready for a commitment?” Nelson clarified by dragging his words out, clipping each consonant and in general making me very nervous. “Or anything serious.”

  “Right.” His question was basically a repeat of what I’d already said but somehow it sounded like a threat.

  “And you’re okay with that? Because sometimes when guys say they’re not looking for a commitment what they really mean is that they don’t respect you enough to get serious with you even though they want to fool around with you.” When my glare turned murderous, he added, “I don’t think Miller’s like that. But I just want to make sure you’re okay with this mutual decision.” His tone softened just a touch. “Be honest with us, Page.”

  “Of course I’m okay with that,” I told them. “I’m the one that asked him to go slowly.” I turned away from them to stare through the broken stained glass windows of the small church we’d stumbled upon. “I’ve never done this before. I don’t want to mess it up by jumping into something I’m not ready for. Miller understand
s. He’s happy to give me space. And time.”

  They glared at me.

  “What?”

  Hendrix turned to Nelson. “What is with the women we know and their fear of commitment?”

  Nelson snorted a laugh, “Speak for yourself. Haley was more than happy to commit herself to me.”

  “I don’t have a fear of commitment,” I argued.

  They ignored me. “What do expect, though?” Nelson asked Hendrix. “Reagan and Tyler are two of the strongest female influences in her life. Of course she’s going to be afraid of commitment.”

  Hendrix let out an overdramatic sigh. “You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking when I allowed her to speak to those women. Page would have been better off if we’d ditched them in Missouri.”

  Now I knew he was just giving me a hard time. Like Hendrix could have ever left Reagan somewhere. I wanted to punch him for being so stupid.

  “You’re probably right,” Nelson agreed solemnly. “But the damage is done now. Poor Miller.”

  “Poor Miller,” Hendrix commiserated.

  I snorted. “I think I know why Reagan and Haley hesitated. You two are idiots.”

  Nelson grinned at me, “Haley never hesitated. I think that makes only one of us an idiot.”

  Hendrix barked out a laugh. “Maybe we should ask Haley about that before we take away your idiot card willy nilly.”

  Nelson growled something profane and shoved Hendrix off the table. Hendrix’s arms flailed and he tripped over his feet, landing on his butt in an ungraceful heap. Nelson started to laugh at him, but a sharp cracking sound split through the echoing church. The unstable table legs had finally buckled beneath my brothers’ weight and collapsed beneath them.

  The top of the table dropped to the ground, crushing the already broken legs beneath it. Nelson howled in surprise and pain. Hendrix dissolved in laughter while Nelson hurled curse words at Hendrix.

  I took the opportunity to help them.

  Just kidding. I got the hell out of there.

  I stepped into the warm afternoon air. The sun hung high in the sky, beating relentlessly on the barren landscape.