“I want to go home,” she demanded.
Even as she said it though, she knew it was a lie. What she really wanted was to stay here, with Destry, so close that she could feel the heat of his body coming off of him and hitting against her in waves, so close that every time he brushed up against her, her skin tingled.
She wanted to feel his hands on her face as he kissed her. Her soul ached to stay right where she was, but she knew she couldn't.
She put her hands up to the sides of her face, pressing her fingers into her temples, creating a makeshift shield between her own guilt and the millions of invisible eyes that she felt burning her.
“But, Emma….,” Destry's face was wild with a mixture of emotions, “everything's fine, we didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I did,” Emma's voice was shaking from holding back the sobs that wanted to break free.
“No, it’s okay Emma, I’m sorry I kissed you…I should have asked…”
“I don’t think of you that way,” Emma said, closing her eyes tightly, trying to make everything go away, “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t,” Emma insisted, refusing to look at Destry.
“You can Emma, and I think you do, you just won’t admit it to yourself.”
“You don’t know anything, you can’t tell me how I feel,” she said coldly. “You have no idea what I’m going through!”
“I would if you would tell me...why are you being like this?”
“Because, I love someone else!” The words came out in a rush, and they felt like poison through her teeth. Emma’s heart was beating wildly behind her ears, making her crazy. She just wanted all of this to stop.
“I don’t believe you,” Destry said quietly as he stared out the window, his mouth forming a tight line across his face.
“I need you to take me home please, if you won't take me I'll get out and walk,” Emma demanded, still holding her hands up to cover the sides of her face. The pounding was getting louder.
She saw Destry's face fall as he turned to look at her, saw the look of defeat crushing him, like he'd just taken a hard punch to the gut.
Emma wanted to pull him close, and tell him that she was an idiot, that this was all her fault and that it was all going to be okay for him, but she couldn’t, and it was killing her.
Destry turned away from her mutely, started the truck and quickly shifted it into gear. He spun it around toward home and Emma noticed, out of the corner of her eye, the deer running into the trees.
Why did she have to ruin everything good? It wasn’t fair that this was happening to Destry. He was a good person, and Emma believed the things he'd told her tonight. She knew they had a connection neither one of them could explain.
Emma knew Destry was upset, and probably angry with her; she couldn’t blame him for that. She deserved his anger; she deserved his hatred, and so much more.
It was hard to be this close to him, and not be able to touch him. Emma clasped her hands tightly together in frustration, she wanted to scream but she held it in, biting her lip, and just stared at the floor the entire ride home.
It was the longest ride she’d ever experienced. The silence was so heavy that her ears were humming from it. Every once in a while, she would see Destry glance at her from the corner of his eye, he didn’t say anything.
When they finally stopped in front of Emma's house, Destry turned toward her again. She was trapped unless she was willing to slide all the way across the truck seat, and make a spectacle of herself trying to escape out the passenger door. She decided to be civil, and let him say whatever he needed to say. She owed him that much at least.
Destry just looked at her for a few minutes. Emma stared numbly out the window, her hands balled up at her sides. Why didn't he just hurry up and get this over with already? She didn't want to sit here with him any longer. She was having a hard time holding strong, she wanted so badly to take back all the things she'd said, to reach over and stroke his face, to kiss him again.
"Emma, look at me," Destry said gently.
Emma slowly raised her eyes up to look at him; she had to force herself to do it, too afraid of what she might find there. Finally her eyes met his unwillingly and her heart sank even deeper into the black abyss that already held it.
His eyes were so soft, so full of light. It was the way she'd always wanted a boy to look at her, but now it was making her insane. Because Destry shouldn't be looking at her like that, shouldn't have these feelings for her, couldn't have these feelings, because she couldn't return his affection, no matter how much she wished she could.
“Tell me what I did wrong Emma, please,” he begged. His face was pained and twisted. He looked as if he were being crushed by an enormous weight. “Was it all that crazy stuff I said about us? I wish I could take it back, but I can’t, because it’s the truth…well for me anyway. I‘m sorry if I scared you, I won‘t bring it up again, I swear.”
“No, it’s not that, I just can’t do this…”
“Why not? What’s holding you back?” The look on Destry's face told Emma that he was confused, and desperate for some explanation of her unexpected reaction.
“I can’t be with you Destry, I’m supposed to be with someone else,” Emma blurted out. “You don’t just walk away from an angel….,” the tears had broken free.
Emma couldn’t talk, she could hardly breathe. Destry's eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, but he reached over and put his hand on Emma's knee, trying to comfort her anyway. She pushed it off.
“Please let me out,” she said between sobs.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked tenderly, his voice barely audible.
She nodded, not trusting herself to say anything. She wanted to assure him that she was fine, but inside she knew she wasn't and she didn't know if she ever would be again.
What really worried her was whether or not he would ever be fine. How badly was she hurting him? Emma knew that hearts that have been broken are never quite the same, even after they've healed.
Destry opened the truck door and reluctantly climbed out. Emma pushed past him avoiding his eyes as she got down out of the truck and headed straight for the house. “I’m sorry Emma,” he called after her. “I love you.”
Destry's words struck Emma solidly between the shoulder blades like a spear, causing her to hunch over in pain. She stopped her march and turned to face him.
“I know,” she said simply. She turned and started walking again, bypassing the front door, heading around the back of the house.
Destry didn’t try to follow her. She heard his truck pull away and she started to cry again. She didn’t want him to be gone.
Emma tiptoed through the back door closing it silently behind her and headed straight to her room where she crumpled onto her bed and cried herself to sleep.
Destry drove away from Emma's house in shock. What had just happened? All he'd done was kiss her for like five seconds and she'd gone totally ballistic, muttering some nonsense about angels and loving someone else.
The kiss had been everything he'd imagined and more. It was right somehow, for him anyway, but obviously not for her.
Why did this matter so much anyway? Destry had always had a plan for his life, a purpose. Of course it included finding a wife and having a family someday, but not all of this drama. This was too much.
"I should have never said anything about all that 'meant-to-be-together' crap!" Destry scolded himself in the dark cab of the truck.
He couldn't make himself stop thinking about the kiss. He still had the taste of her on his lips. He wiped his arm across his mouth.
He didn't know where he was even going; not home, he had no desire to go there. No one was home. He was just driving aimlessly, trying to leave those thoughts and memories behind him, all the while not noticing where he was headed.
After a few minutes he snapped out of his daze and realized that he was close to the same mea
dow where he'd just been with Emma. He'd gone in a big circle. He didn't want to be there, didn't want to be anywhere that reminded him of her.
It wasn't the rejection that was upsetting to him, it was the feeling that he was right and Emma couldn't see it. She was so stubborn. Why couldn't she see that this was how things were supposed to be?
Destry didn't know why that was; just that he couldn't fight it anymore. He'd tried to fight it in the beginning and it had devastated him, drained him of everything that made life worth living.
It was beyond frustrating. Emma didn't even want to try to see what he could see so clearly. Why did he have these overpowering feelings if there was no way they were ever going to be returned?
Destry knew that for his own sanity he needed to let it go—to let her go—and move on with his life in a completely different direction.
He should go back to his previous plan of working hard, making a good income, finding a place of his own and making it a home. More than anything else Destry realized that's what he wanted was somewhere he could call home, somewhere to lay down roots.
The loss of his mother, and moving from the only home he'd ever known clear across the country, had left an emptiness in him that he needed to fill.
That was going to be his focus from this point on, he decided, no more chasing girls around who obviously didn't want to be caught; not by him anyway. He was going to create a safe place for himself—a place that would be a home.
Destry turned his truck around and sped away from this place that was a painful reminder of what he had just gone through. He didn't want to feel this way ever again.
He needed a girl that was safe, one that wanted him. It didn't matter what she looked like or what her name was, all that mattered was that she would love him in return. There were a lot of girls in this town that were more than willing to date him. It was time he started weighing other options.
He stared out the windshield at the emptiness of the darkened world that was flying by him in a blur. In his heart he knew that wasn’t the answer. He longed for her. He couldn’t even see other girls anymore. If she didn’t love him, if she…loved someone else, then he would have to leave. He couldn’t be around her knowing that he could never have her. It would destroy him.
Destry looked up at the full moon that hung in the sky like an all-seeing-eye and wondered if he should just go back home, to Nebraska and get some distance from the whole situation. Then he noticed where he was.
His truck was coasting slowly down the dirt road that led to Emma's house. He could see it ahead of him in the dim light of the moon's rays like it had a spotlight shining down on it straight from heaven.
Destry looked at the little house and thought of the girl inside, and to his dismay, he felt like he was home.
Chapter 26: MONSTER
As Nathan McQuade sat at the breakfast table the next morning, he couldn't help but notice that there was something wrong with his son.
Breakfast was the only meal they got to eat together. Usually Destry was more chipper than this and passed the time filling his Dad in on the events from the previous day and his plans for today, but not this morning.
Destry sat with a bowl of cereal in front of him, staring at the table like he didn't see or hear anything going on around him.
"Are you doin' okay today son?" Nathan asked, noticing that Destry's eyes looked bloodshot with dark circles underneath. "Didn't you get any sleep last night? You look terrible. You're not sick are you?"
"No, I was up thinking most of the night," Destry answered, not looking up from the table.
"What were you thinking about?" Nathan asked feeling concerned.
"I was thinking...that after graduation, maybe I should go back to Nebraska. Grandpa and Grandma could use my help on the farm for the summer, maybe longer." There was no emotion in Destry's voice, he sounded drained of any feeling.
Nathan was shocked at this revelation. Destry had seemed happy here in Eden and had never talked about going back to Nebraska before today.
"But I'm here," his dad said with confusion. "I can't take time off this soon after starting a new job. We're a family; we're supposed to stick together. Why would you want to leave? I thought you liked it here?"
"I don't belong here dad, besides you'd be fine without me for a while, it's not like we see each other that much anyway," Destry said stiffly, and watched his dad flinch out of the corner of his eye. He felt bad for adding that last part— it had been a low blow—his dad always spent any extra second he had with him.
"I'm sorry Destry, I...."
"No dad, I'm sorry, this doesn't have anything to do with you. I shouldn't have said that." Destry looked up at his dad for the first time. "I just need to get away from here for a while and clear my head, weigh my options, figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life."
There was a long silence. "I don't want you to go,” Nathan finally said, “but if that's what you feel like you need to do, I won't stop you."
"Nothing's decided yet dad, I was just thinking about it, that's all," Destry said, hoping to ease the sadness in his father's face. "I've got to get to school, I'll see ya later okay?"
"Yeah, have a good day son," Nathan said with a distant voice. Now he was the one left staring at the table.
As Destry walked out the door to his truck, he was still at war with himself. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to go to school and take the chance of seeing Emma or not.
He wanted to see her, but he didn’t want to see her. The feelings were all jumbled up in his mind.
He wanted to see her, to see if she was okay, to see if she’d come to her senses and changed her mind, to see her face instead of being haunted by it every time he closed his eyes.
But at the same time, he didn’t want to see her, didn’t want to remember the hole that she had put through his chest, didn’t want to see her and ache to be near her when he couldn’t. He didn’t want to remember kissing her if he could never do it again.
He'd kissed her only once and it had made him crazy. He wanted to feel her against him again, to smell her skin, to kiss her and never have to stop. The possibility of that never happening again felt like hot wax being poured down his throat, burning him from the inside out.
He'd laid everything out there, told her exactly how he felt, told her he loved her, and she'd still just walked away. Maybe it didn't matter how much you loved someone, he thought, there was nothing you could do to make them love you back.
In the end all he could do was just climb in his truck and start driving and let fate lead him to where he needed to go.
That morning Emma slept in late despite the sunlight streaming through her window. She had slept fitfully last night—when she'd slept at all—she'd been plagued by bad dreams again and a dull ache in her chest.
Thankfully her mom had gone to work early and she was on her own to get ready for school. She was in no condition to leave the house though. Her red, bloodshot eyes made her look like a zombie.
That comparison probably wasn’t far from the truth. She was some kind of a monster. She had to be, to hurt someone like that after leading him along, and letting him get close to her. Just close enough to squash him completely.
Emma knew she didn’t deserve someone like him. And he definitely deserved a lot better than her.
Emma drug herself out of bed around noon. She couldn’t lie there any longer. The disturbing image of Destry’s face played over and over in her guilt racked mind. She needed to get out of the house.
She got dressed and splashed cold water on her face, hoping it would help her puffy eyes. She brushed her teeth and combed through her tangled hair. Emma finally brushed powder on her cheeks and put on some lip gloss, hoping to cover up the bereft look that she couldn’t seem to get rid of.
It was no use. The makeup and cool water had helped her outward appearance, but on the inside she was still a train wreck. Emma needed something to calm her, and make he
r feel safe again.
As she stepped through the door of the barn, Emma waited for the wave of comfort this place usually gave her to come and take away the sting inside her chest. All that came were more questions. What was she going to do now? Would she have to miss the last week of school?
Emma didn’t think she could risk seeing Destry again, and having to explain things further. Would he understand if she did explain? She'd tried to tell him. Emma felt like she might have been able to make him understand, make him believe, but her heart had gotten in the way.
Destry probably hated her now, but it was no less than what she deserved. She'd hurt him, after he had opened up to her and trusted her with his true feelings.
Emma felt like she was an evil person. She didn’t deserve an angel, and she certainly didn’t deserve Destry— he was more than an angel. He was good in a world that was bad.
Emma slid down onto the cold floor and tried to stop the sobs that were erupting from her gut. She tried to concentrate on breathing slowly, in and out, in and out.
It was in that moment of her deepest despair, that she felt the air around her swirl and shimmer, but she couldn’t pull herself far enough out of the darkness of her own depression to even care.
“Emma?” Micah's voice was careful, but obviously full of concern.
Emma finally drew on her last bit of strength and looked up to see his perfect, glowing figure, standing above her. His eyes were questioning and worry creased his brow.
Emma still hadn’t gathered her sanity enough to be able to talk, so she buried her head in her arms, and rested them on her knees. She continued her breathing, hoping to be able to recover herself enough to answer.
She was humiliated, having him see her like this, but she had no hope of pulling herself together for his sake. Emma wondered what Micah must think of this disheveled mess on the floor that only slightly resembled her?
“Are you okay?” His worried voice was smooth and warm, but it reminded Emma, that Destry had asked her that same question last night and that almost pushed her over the edge again.
Eternal (Eternal series) Page 22
