by Bonnie Leon
When she reached the shop door, she stopped. Facing the guys would be hard. She hadn’t seen them since the funeral. She didn’t know how to act. Did she behave as if nothing had happened? Or should she talk about Mike? No. She couldn’t do that yet.
She opened the door and stepped inside, her hand resting on Angel’s head.
Jack, Kenny, and Alan looked at her. No one spoke. Kenny gave her a nod and then shoved a piece of wood into the stove. Keeping his face turned away from her, he reached for another piece and thrust it into the fire. Alan turned back to working on a piece of equipment at the bench.
Jack puffed on a cigar. “Didn’t figure you’d be back so soon. We’re not busy right now. Maybe a little more time . . .” His tone was uncharacteristically cordial.
“Thanks, but I’d rather work.” Kate moved to the back room door. For a moment, she expected to find Mike sorting mail for her. She stood in the doorway. He wasn’t there. He’d never be there again.
“It’s only been a few days,” Alan said in his quiet voice. He offered a sympathetic smile.
“I’ve had enough time.”
“You’re sure?” Jack stubbed out his cigar.
Tears demanded release, but Kate held them back. “I’m ready to work.”
“Okay then.” Jack looked at the schedule. “Paul has some calls to make. You want to take him?”
Paul? Kate had hoped for something less personal—a scouting crew or a homesteader needing a ride back to his family. “Sure,” she said. “No problem. I’ll need a flight plan and I’ll be on my way.” She coughed.
“You sick?”
“Just a slight cold. I’m fine.” The room swirled momentarily and Kate held on to the doorframe, hoping Jack hadn’t noticed her unsteadiness. She probably didn’t even have a cold—this was probably caused from all the crying she’d done. If she could stay busy, she’d feel better. After all, stuffing down her feelings for Paul had gotten easier each time she’d had to work with him over the summer. So being with someone like Paul would help her hold back her tears.
Kate took the list of stops from Jack and scanned it. There were several between Anchorage and Kotzebue and then she’d hopscotch from Kotzebue to Fairbanks and then back down to Nenana, Talkeetna, and Palmer. It would take several days, which Kate normally wouldn’t mind, but she didn’t want to spend too much time with Paul.
Get used to it. It’s part of your job. A stab of misery hit her. There’d been a time when she’d longed for more trips with Paul. Now it was Mike she missed. There’d be no more runs with him, no teasing or burned meals, or sardine dinners.
Kate headed for the door. “I’ll stay in touch and see you in a week or so.” As she said the words, the reality that she might not make it back hit her in the gut. Every good-bye for a pilot could be their last.
With the engine roaring in her ears, Kate checked her instruments. In her mind she could see Mike following the same procedures. He’d always been methodical, checking everything to make sure all was in order. What good had it done him? Fear swirled through her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, which made her lungs hurt.
“You ready, girl?” she asked Angel, giving her a pat. The dog put a paw on Kate’s arm as if to say yes. “All right, then. Time to get back at it.” Shaking off a sense of dread, Kate taxied onto the runway and turned the plane into the wind.
It would be a bumpy ride, but she’d had her share of those. She barreled down the length of the airstrip, feeling every jolt and thump. When the wheels left the ground, the plane felt heavier than usual, not quite right. Was something wrong? Her pulse picked up.
Stop it, she told herself, refusing to let what had happened to Mike victimize her. The nights were worse. She dreamed about him and his accident and she’d wake up, wondering if he’d suffered. She knew that, just like Mike, one day her luck could run out.
Helen and Muriel had been a comfort. Helen brought food and good wishes with her every day when she came into the store. One day, Kate had broken down and Helen just held her. The words of comfort she shared came back to Kate now like a balm. “God knows when it’s our time to go home. And his hand is upon you, Kate. Trust in him, not in circumstances.”
“Trust him,” she said, forcing her mind back to flying. She thought over the route. She’d pick up Paul and they’d head north. It would be good to see Nena and Joe and the kids. Nena was sweet and full of love. And the children made her laugh.
Against her will, her mind trailed back to Mike and the life they could have shared. They’d have had beautiful children. He would have been a terrific father, full of fun and surprises. Tears trailed down her cheeks and she didn’t bother to wipe them away.
A crosswind hit the plane, thumping it hard. Fear thudded through Kate. It wasn’t unusual to be hit by crosswinds, and her Bellanca was barely bothered by them. She knew that. Still, she seemed to have no power to stop the alarm that bristled through her.
She was relieved to spot the Susitna River. Bear Creek was close.
When she reached the creek, she buzzed it, making sure her landing site was clear. The trees and brush reached out over the sandbar. It didn’t look like there was enough space. She shook her head. She’d put down here a hundred times. There was plenty of room. At the last moment, Kate pulled up and climbed above the trees, trying to control the quaking in her hands.
Stop it! You’re being foolish.
She came around again, staring at Patrick and Sassa’s rooftop and the smoke drifting from their chimney. Everything was as it should be. Kate relaxed her grip and dropped her shoulders. “Get ahold of yourself,” she said. “Nothing’s changed. You’re the same pilot you were before Mike died, a good one. And you’ve got a dependable plane.” Angel whined. Kate reached over and buried her fingers in the dog’s ruff. “It’s all right, girl. We’re fine.”
With fresh determination, she circled back and set up her approach. This time she stayed on her heading and gently set the plane down on the sandbar. Paul was already waiting there for her, medical bag in hand and pack slung over one shoulder.
Kate had barely stopped when he climbed in. He tossed in his pack and closed the door, then set his bag on a seat and made his way to the front. “Hi. What happened? You having some kind of trouble with the plane?”
“No. Just wasn’t lined up right. Better safe than sorry.” Kate did her best to keep her voice relaxed. “So, Patrick drop you off?”
“Yeah.” He looked at her kindly. “You all right?”
“I’m fine.” Her voice sounded nasally.
“Didn’t expect you. Figured one of the other pilots would pick me up.”
“We’re short on pilots,” Kate said dryly, then blew her nose into a handkerchief.
“Maybe you should have taken more time off. It’s only been a few days since the funeral.”
“I needed to get back in the air. That’s what Mike would have done.”
“Yeah, I suppose.” Paul reached over and gave Kate’s arm a squeeze. “You feeling all right? You don’t sound too good, kind of hoarse.”
“I’ve got a cold . . . or something. Nothing to worry about.” She sniffled into her handkerchief before heading to the end of the sandbar and setting up for takeoff. Again, fear crept into her mind. She ignored it and kicked up her speed, lifting off without difficulty.
Hoping to keep things businesslike, Kate immediately started going through the schedule. “We have stops at a couple of homesteads. One has an elderly parent who’s not doing well and the other family has a child with tonsillitis. After that, we’ll stop at the mine. There’s always a ration of troubles there.”
Paul chuckled. “Those miners would have a whole lot fewer problems if they’d stay out of the hooch and learn some basic hygiene.”
Any other time, Kate would have laughed and bounced back a snappy reply. Today she didn’t have it in her. There was no laughter inside. She ignored Paul’s teasing and continued to read off the list of stops.
“It’ll be nic
e to see Nena and Joe. How’ve they been?” Paul’s tone was cheerier than usual.
“Fine, last I heard.”
Conversation fell off. Finally, Paul said, “Kate, you don’t have to talk about what happened. But sometimes it helps.”
“It doesn’t. I . . . I can’t talk about it, not yet.”
“I know it’s painful, but maybe you should try.”
Kate wasn’t ready. Anger and frustration flamed. “How would you know? You’ve never talked to me about what happened in California. As far as I know, you’ve never talked to anyone about it.”
Paul started to say something, then set his jaw, folded his arms over his chest, and stared straight ahead. Finally, he said, “It’s not always so easy. When you lose someone you love, it leaves a hole inside. And it feels like nothing and no one will ever fill it.”
Immediately guilt swept over Kate. Paul hadn’t deserved harsh words. He was only trying to help. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I know you’ve had a hard time. I’m not myself.” Kate coughed. Her chest felt tight.
“That’s a cold. Doesn’t sound like you should be working.” Paul eyed her paternally.
“It’s nothing,” she said, but Kate knew she was getting worse. Her head felt stuffed up and she could feel a wheeze in her chest when she breathed. “I’ll be fine.” She didn’t want Paul to check on her, to be that close. And she didn’t want him to care, not now.
They stopped at two homesteads. At the first one, Paul gave an elderly man a thorough checkup and left instructions with his daughter on how to care for him. He advised the parents at the second stop to schedule their son for surgery to remove his tonsils. The next place was the mine. By the time they’d finished doctoring several men, it was late in the day and they were forced to stay over. Kate’s accommodation was a tent and a cot. The tightness in her chest had developed into a cough. That and a plugged nose made sleep nearly impossible. Paul checked on her once during the night and gave her something to quiet the cough. After that, she managed a few hours’ sleep.
Morning arrived with gray clouds and drizzle. While Paul had a look at a couple of miners he hadn’t gotten to the previous day, Kate readied the plane. She did her best to ignore the pain in her throat and chest, and her throbbing head. With the engine warming, she huddled in the cockpit, unable to get warm.
By the time Paul showed up, she was losing patience. They had a lot of miles to cover before they reached McGrath. She was already thinking about a warm bed and a good night’s sleep.
Paul finally climbed into the plane. “Sorry,” he said, dropping into his seat. “But one of the men sliced up his hand pretty badly with a hatchet while cutting kindling this morning.”
“Oh,” Kate croaked, feeling guilty at her irritability.
“You don’t sound good. Maybe we ought to stay put for a couple of days so you can rest.”
“No thanks. A tent and a cot isn’t what I have in mind for tonight.” She headed the plane down a rough, grassy airstrip. Rain splattered the windshield and the window fogged up. Kate could barely see. It was too late to abort the takeoff, so trusting her instincts, she increased speed and guided the plane into the air. Her confidence grew.
The next two days passed in a haze of coughing and pain. Kate’s head and face throbbed in spite of the aspirin Paul dispensed. She pushed on, unwilling to give up. Besides, working helped keep her mind off of Mike.
When they landed in Kotzebue, it felt like winter had already arrived. The ground was covered with frost and a chill wind blew in from Kotzebue Sound.
Joe and Paul secured the plane while Kate drained the oil. She couldn’t risk it freezing. With that done, the three of them covered the fuselage with a tarp and then headed toward town. Angel trotted ahead of them. She knew where they were headed.
Nena greeted Kate and Paul with a smile. “Good to see you.” She pulled Kate into her arms. “I’m so sorry about Mike. We weep for you and know you must be missing him terrible. He was a good man.”
Kate didn’t know how to answer. Everyone was sorry, but their words didn’t help. “Mike lived the way he wanted” was all she could think of to say.
The Turchik children sprinted toward Kate and embraced her around the legs. She gave them each a hug, fighting back tears. It felt good to be loved, but somehow the affection only made her feelings of loss more intense. Angel pushed between Kate and the children, demanding attention. Laughing, the children buried her with hugs and kisses.
Nena enfolded Kate in her arms, and then held her away from her. “You have a fever.” She studied Kate. “You’re sick?”
“Just a cold.”
“I can hear it and see it. You have more than a cold.” Nena looked at Paul.
“She won’t let me help.” He shrugged. “Stubborn.”
Nena led Kate to a chair. “You sit and let the doctor fix you.”
Kate was too tired to argue, so she sat down. Nena took her coat.
Paul set his medical bag on the table. He palpated Kate’s neck. “You’ve got some very unhappy glands.” He took a tongue depressor out of his bag. “Open your mouth and stick out your tongue.” He grinned.
Kate almost smiled.
He examined her throat, then using his stethoscope he listened to her heart. “Take a deep breath.” Kate did as instructed, which set off a bout of coughing. When she quieted, he moved the stethoscope from place to place, each time asking her to breathe. “I don’t hear any pneumonia. That’s good.”
He took a thermometer out. “Under your tongue.”
Kate did as he asked, but she felt uncomfortable. His touch seemed too familiar.
Using his thumbs, he gently pressed on her face, first above her eyes. “Does that hurt?”
She nodded.
He put pressure on her cheeks. “Here?”
“Uh-huh,” she mumbled around the thermometer.
Paul removed it and after a quick glance said, “A hundred and one. I’d say you’re good and sick. Probably a sinus infection to go along with your bronchial infection.” He looked straight at her. “You need rest. And I want you to breathe in some hot steam.”
“Okay. I’ll rest.”
“I have soup,” Nena said. “And a cup of hot tea will be soothing.”
“Tea sounds good,” Kate said. “Thanks, Nena.”
“I’ll heat up some water and you can eat and then go to bed,” the native woman said with a maternal smile.
Two days later, when Paul and Kate left Kotzebue, Kate was still sick, but her fever had abated and her cough was better. Her head still felt congested and she’d had an occasional dizzy spell. The best thing for her was to get home.
They had fewer stops to make on their way back to Anchorage, so she figured she’d be in her own bed in two or three days. The atmosphere between her and Paul had warmed since they’d first set out. His kindness and concern made her feel cared for. They felt like friends again.
On their second day out, Kate woke up to pressure in her head and ears. She said nothing to Paul about it. All she wanted was to get home. The sooner they got started, the sooner she’d get there.
As they approached Palmer, the world suddenly dipped sideways, then began to whirl. Kate waited for the sensation to pass. Instead it got worse. The earth and sky merged and spun out of control. Kate couldn’t read the instruments. She couldn’t get her bearings and wasn’t even certain whether the plane was upright or not. Nausea swept over her. She’d heard of vertigo but had never experienced it.
She pushed the palm of her hand against her left ear, the one that had the most pressure. It didn’t help. She tipped her head to the side, but the movement only made the vertigo worse. She did her best to focus on the instruments, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t read them. Kate’s nightmare was coming true. She was about to die and kill another person she loved. She should have stayed on the ground.
“Paul, I’m in trouble. I’m dizzy.”
“Dizzy? How bad is
it?”
“Bad. Everything is spinning. I . . . I can’t fly. I can’t tell up from down.” Kate gripped the control wheel, fighting panic. She needed to stay calm. She closed her eyes and tried to separate the motion of the plane from what the inside of her head was telling her. She loosened her hold on the wheel and listened to the engine to make sure she was maintaining speed.
“Hold your head absolutely still and keep your eyes closed.”
Kate did as he said, but the world continued to spin behind her eyelids. “It’s no better. I . . . think I’m going to be sick.”
“That’s normal with this kind of thing.”
That didn’t make Kate feel any better. Alarm rising, Kate fought for composure. Her life and Paul’s depended on it. “Look at the inclinometer and tell me if we’re flying level.”
“The ball’s floating to the left.”
Kate adjusted with a touch to the pedals. “Better?”
“No. Too far. We’re banking right.” Paul’s voice remained calm.
Kate tapped the pedal.
“Okay. Good.”
“You’re going to have to fly and land the plane. But I’ll help you.”
“You sure you can’t do it?”
“No. I can’t even tell up from down.”
“Okay.”
If Paul was frightened, Kate didn’t hear it in his voice. Her stomach rolled and she willed away the nausea. “Do you have a coin or something flat you can use to free the control wheel?”
“Yeah. I’ve got a quarter.”
“Okay. Turn the screw at the base of the wheel shaft. That will release it.”
Kate felt pressure against her leg as Paul reached across her. “Okay. Got it.”
“It pivots, so swing it around to your side.”
“Done.”
“The plane is yours now.”
“What should I do?”
“You need to get a feel for the controls. We’re going to use gentle changes. I want you to move the nose back and forth with the rudder pedals at your feet. Push the right pedal and the nose should move right.”
“Okay.”
“Now, push the left pedal and the nose will turn left.” Kate could feel the change, but couldn’t distinguish how far they’d moved. Everything was distorted by the spinning.
